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Movie Reviews » Turned it off

The God Inside My Ear

Painfully indie, poorly acted movie that I bet was filmed in Brooklyn. A girl... I don't know. She bleeds from the ears, she goes on blind dates with the worst men ever, she goes to the doctor, she deals with customers at the department store she works at who demand her help in choosing between perfumes that they say smell like spoiled bananas and rancid meat.

Weirdly, the visual production values are pretty professional and well-done, while the attempted acting—really, just people clearly reciting lines and trying ineptly to seem ingenuous about it—is just absolutely awful, incredibly bad. Like, porn-movie-bad. The contradiction between that and decent productions values is jarring.

And the weird pastiche of video production effects, jumpy visual montages to jazz drumming, and special-effects interludes in "artsy" styles don't help at all.

I turned it off halfway though.

Movie Reviews » Je nais se quois

Et tu

What starts out as a really excellent pitch-black comedy about a production of "Julius Caesar" gone murderously wrong loses the thread about halfway through.

For the first half it was incredibly well made and cruising to be a particular favorite, but about halfway through the tight plotting suddenly gets very, very flabby, and instead of exploring the consequences of a murder they fall back on the "comedy" of the bodies piling up as many more happen.

It's a true shame. The production is excellent, whole thing is surprisingly strong, and even the acting holds up all the way through, with the exception of the appearance halfway through as Malcolm McDowell, playing his usual role of Malcolm-McDowell-in-costume-as-someone-else. The actors seemed incredibly true-to-life, based solely my meager experience with theater actors. I'm guessing this really is aimed as a satire at people who've been involved in the theater, but it was…

Movie Reviews » Just, Don't

The Playground

Amateurish, zero-budget attempt at a thriller. I can't even really follow the plot, this guy gets broken out of jail, now he owes someone some money, this little girl is being read to on the playground by someone nobody else can see. Two freaking hours and 35 minutes long. No thanks.

Movie Reviews » Turned it off

Let’s Dream

Everybody ... stares ... looking ... concerned. And ... talks ... very ... slowly. What ... are ... they ... saying? I ... don't ... know ... because ... this ... movie ... has ... the ... most ... muffled ... and ... indistinct ... sound ... recording ... I've ... ever ... heard. Turned it off halfway through, which was long after it got annoying.

Movie Reviews » Bad but I liked it

The Cobbler’s Wife

This feels like a pilot episode of an anthology sci-fi show that wasn't picked up, and at 1 hr 1 minute long, it probably is. A lonely shoemaker builds a robot wife, his girlfriend finds out and is creeped out. It's kinda cute, in that there's-nothing-on-and-I-bored-so-I'll-watch-one-of-these-episodes-of-the-new-run-of-The-Outer-Limits kind of way.

Movie Reviews » watchable

After She Wakes

Actually not bad supernatural thriller about woman who experiences night terrors, and possibly a visit from a demon, after accidentally killing her infant son in a car accident.

Not great by any stretch, and the very end is a little clichéd, but certainly above average for this kind of movie, with no egregious failings.

Movie Reviews » Just, Don't

Superterranean

One of the most boring "thrillers" I've ever seen.

An injured climber in Scotland wakes up in a mountain shelter. He tends to his injuries, and in a few minutes another climber shows up, and they talk.

And talk.

And talk.

And that's literally all they do.

About 80 minutes into this 110 minute movie, they finally start talking about some horror or drama element—supposedly some beast is roving outside and wants the climber. Why did it take 80 minutes to get to this? Finally, in the last 20 minutes, they get into some supernatural elements.

I get the sense this was a 15-minute short that the director/writer/star narcissistically thought deserved to be a 2 hour movie. It didn't. Might have been a cool 12-15 minute short, if they'd gotten to the ending.

But, I mean, literally 80 minutes of two guys in a room talking before the…

Movie Reviews » Honorable Mention

The Human Hibernation

This is sure to be a polarizing film. More a montage than a story, with plenty of very long, unhurried (and beautifully shot) nature shots, this film depicts a version of humanity that hibernates through the winter, and is just slightly more a part of the natural world. People are still people, they don't act like animals, they have dinners around dinner tables and go to concerts. But there's no line between "civilization" and "nature"... goats and raccoons wander through the houses, roosters leap on the dining room table to pick what's left of a massive pre-hibernation feast, and people describe whatever group of people they happen to cohabit with as families, as parents and siblings. "Once when we woke up I had a new older sister", someone relates. "We had no idea where she came from." Cows appear to be the dominant species, and are often seen wandering by.…

Movie Reviews » Je nais se quois

Empathy, Inc.

Sometimes I stumble onto a treat.

A company invents VR technology to allow rich people to experience life from the viewpoint of someone more disadvantages. To say more about the plot would require spoilers.

This indie sci-fi is filmed in black and white, which seemed pretentious at first, but made sense as the movie rolled on, because, it's sci-fi, yes—but mostly it's actually film noir, and while nobody would accuse it of being one of the greats, it's a pretty well-done one for a little indie flick. As the story gets more involved the choice to film in black and white as an homage to vintage film noir makes sense.

It started out seeming pretentious and not very effective, not to mention not particularly well-acted, but only got better as it went along, building, happily, to a very effective ending noir ending. Though it takes a while…

Movie Reviews » watchable

Among Us

Not absolutely terrible haunted house movie. Couple recovering from the death of their son is haunted by... it's not clear, but something. Also, seems to be set in basically a trailer, instead of a house. So, a haunted trailer movie. Not so terrible for a B movie, though, so, basically watchable if you're in the mood for this sort of thing, although don't expect much more than that.

They hire a medium/exorcist who is down-to-earth and underplayed, for once... think about Zelda Rubenstein in "Poltergeist", then imagine her polar opposite.

Movie Reviews » Bad but I liked it

Obsidian (2020)

Patients at a medical clinic trial an experimental drug that cures their permanent injuries... at first.

Sub-USA-Up-All-Nite bottom-of-the-barrel zero-budget amateur-made flick turns out to be, weirdly, not a 100% terrible creature feature. There's like, one or two good actors in it, or something. They tried pretty hard, that's for sure. I mean, it's absolute garbage, for sure, and yet—I kind of liked it. I've seen way less watchable absolute garbage. Weird.

Movie Reviews » Canadian

In April

This is one of the weirdest movies I've ever seen... to a point.

This movie about a suicidal man driving around in a car looking for an opportunity to kill himself when the ghost of a young girl appears in his passenger seat starts as an execrably "indie", pretentious, artsy, low-budget enterprise of the sort I usually hate. And for maybe the first very long half hour, that's what you get. I looked at the clock at the 30 minute mark and questioned whether I could do another 90 minutes of it. Lots of film effects, not much else happening.

But, first off, I noticed something strange: this low-budget pretentious crap movie about a guy driving around in a car had a full-on orchestral score more appropriate for "Raiders Of The Lost Ark". So I began to pay attention. And after the dreadfully long first act... it actually got…

Movie Reviews » Trash

Indiscretions

This "thriller" is in every way like a porn flick without any sex. These people are obviously not actors, and are as stiff as if they're reading lines off cue cards. It's shot on VHS, not even always in focus. I lasted about 20 minutes. Seriously: why would anybody watch something like this if there's no sex?

Movie Reviews » Je nais se quois

Dimland

Truly strange—this is a very talky, amateurish, artsy and extremely pretentious zero-budget indie flick with little plot, dislikeable characters and not much acting to speak of... and yet, somehow, it works. It's like the exception that proves the rule.

A young couple goes on vacation at a cottage she grew up vacationing at, only to be visited by a pretentious masked figure who is either some sort of forest spirit or her childhood imaginary friend. She spends the rest of the movie walking through the woods talking with him, to her boyfriend's growing annoyance.

It's hard to explain why it works. It's very much like a fable, there almost nothing to it, and somehow manages to weave the pretentious elements into something of an engaging tapestry. I don't know. It's weird. It should be an awful, awful movie. Virtually every identifiable element of it, looked at on its own, is…

Movie Reviews » watchable

Harbinger Down

"Alien" in a boat. Vaguely watchable sci-fi/horror action adventure, if derivative.

Stars Lance Henriksen as the Captain. He is the last character to die, meaning this may be a horror movie.

Movie Reviews » Turned it off

Katernica

A hopelessly pretentious amateur production apparently about an actress wanting to stage a cursed one-act play—I got that by looking it up online, because I sure couldn't tell from watching the movie. One of those movies that tries to make up for lack of filmmaking talent by pretention and being 'experimental'.

First you learn the rules, THEN you can break them. Not before.

Annabella Rich is starting to seem like a harbinger of bad, pretentious amateur movies. Second one I've seen her in this week.

Turned it off after 30 minutes.

Movie Reviews » Je nais se quois

From Dust

Strange. This is a bottom-of-the-barrel, amateur, zero-budget, home-movie level attempt at sci-fi, as a couple of non-actors playing "scientists" examine ancient artifacts found Antarctica, which turn out to release something sinister.

But, you know what? I don't know why, but this is like the best bottom-of-the-barrel, amateur, zero-budget, home-movie level attempt at sci-fi I've ever seen. There's something kind of good about it. Maybe it had a really good editor, or something? Bizarre. It's like a bunch of non-filmmakers and non-actors got together to make a bad movie, but somehow accidentally included someone in the mix who knew what they were doing. I actually kind of liked it, which is totally weird, because, I mean, it's terrible.

Movie Reviews » Favorite

Goodfellas

Funny enough, tonight I filled in a bunch of reviews long-time favorites I'd never posted, and as soon as I was done, what does Tubi serve up, but the best gangster movie I've ever seen, "Goodfellas".

Honestly? I love this movie, but not like I love many of my other favorites. There is no denying it's one of the best films from one of our best directors, and contains an unimaginable heap of talent in its huge ensemble cast of dozens. It's a superb movie that deserves every bit of the wide praise it's received, and is the thrilling watch from beginning to end. I love this movie. But not like I love many of my other favorites.

But, it's ultimately just a story. It's not profound. It's about the rise and fall of a gangster. Even a crime film like "Dog Day Afternoon", another old favorite crime movie, somehow…

Movie Reviews » Favorite

A Bronx Tale

This movie about a young man's coming of age in a mafia-controlled Bronx neighborhood in the 60s, set against the backdrop of the growing civil rights movement, has always been a particular favorite of mine. De Niro's directorial debut, it's kind of a less-flashy little brother to GoodFellas, and for my money, a similarly good movie, although the story is smaller and more personal. It likewise stars De Niro, albeit here as a good-guy working-class dad, and has a cameo from Joe Pesci once again in scary mobster mode. Original author Chazz Palmintieri plays a star turn as a coolly intimidating local boss who De Niro wishes his son would stay away from.

I originally reluctantly had this under "Honorable Mentions" instead of "Favorites", because, ok, it's not "Network" or "Deliverance". It's not even "GoodFellas". But, damn, it's undeniably a big favorite of mine.

Movie Reviews » Canadian

Grace

Understated, character-based horror like they used to make in the 1970s, although with a fair share of visceral gore along the way, for sure.

A mother carries a miscarried baby to term, only to have it mysteriously revive... with a taste for blood. Now, better movies have been made with worse premises, and this does remarkably well with it, for a (reasonably, 2009) modern horror movie. It's a quieter, less ambitious, yet to me much more engaging movie than similarly-themed efforts such as the still-not-bad, reasonably watchable Michelle Monaghan supernatural drama/thriller "Blood".

I found the cast to be good, and the writing spends a little time developing the characters into real people, making some of their decisions after the gore starts a little more believable.

A lot of people I assume were born long after the advent of slasher horror and splatstick gore films really…

Movie Reviews » Honorable Mention

Burden Of Dreams

Les Blank's truly memorable documentary about the making of Werner Herzog's excellent "Fitzcarraldo", a historical adventure drama about an early-20th-century entrepreneur seeking access to rubber trees in the Andes who organizes having a 300 ton steamboat carried over a mountain. As part of making the movie, they actually did carry the steamboat over the mountain, with documentarians along the way collecting footage of the unbelievably nihilist, dour Herzog, the erratic rages of leading man Klaus Kinski, and more. One of those rare times, along with "Hearts of Darkness", that a "making of" documentary stands as a great movie in it's own right.

Contains the famous monologue from Herzog that is often quoted as being particularly illustrative of his character. Standing in the Andean forest, he says to Blank: "Taking a close look at what is around us, there is some sort of a harmony. It is the harmony…

Movie Reviews » Honorable Mention

Hearts Of Darkess

For the Apocalypse Now fan: the "making of" documentary about the incredibly chaotic process that somehow yielded that masterpiece. And the documentary is nearly as powerful as the film. It's a miracle that movie even got made.

Movie Reviews » Favorite

Apocalypse Now

This is a placeholder, just put here because no way am I going to let a list of favorite movies go on any longer with Apocalypse Now being mentioned on it.

And incredible story and an incredible, intense film. Many, many people have written about it, much better than I could. Google it, if you need to.

Movie Reviews » Favorite

Blue Velvet

One more favorite I realized I didn't have something posted for. I think some of these big favorites, I've seen so many times, I don't even watch them anymore, hence never thinking of writing them up. They're engraved so solidly in my mind I don't need to watch them anymomre.

Anyway. This is a placeholder. What are you going to say about the "Blue Velvet"? This is the one where it all came together for surrealist filmmaker David Lynch, with a deeply disturbing story, Hypperreal production values, like watching some kind of off-kilter wax museum come to life, and terrific performances from some usually B-grade actors, most especially reviving at-the-time has-been Dennis Hopper's career with his outright terrifying depiction of villain Frank Booth. And how we were supposed to watch Dean Stockwell's lighthearted performance in "Quantum Leap" after his bizarre, sleazy cameo in this?

More than I can…

Movie Reviews » Favorite

Deliverance

Realizing now that a few of my absolute favorite movies aren't mentioned here, so just quickly filling in some blanks. "Deliverance" is a big one.

Come on, you've never heard of "Deliverance"? Google it. I shouldn't have to write a review for this one. One of the greats. Four old friends take a canoe trip down a remote Georgia river before it's dammed up and the route disappears completely, and things go horribly wrong. Great performances and one classic scene after another. This is a supposed adventure film that's actually a drama in disguise, but decades of subsequent out-and-out horror films featuring mutants and cannibals and psychotic slashers have still never yet managed to catch up with this film's occasionally—though not always—quiet, unnerving depictions of unfriendly locals.

If you haven't noticed, this site's "404" error pages, when you try to access a nonexistent page, say "You done took…

Movie Reviews » Honorable Mention

Drag Me To Hell

It just struck me that I've never posted a review of this perennial favorite of mine. It took 25 years, until this movie, for Sam Raimi to redeem himself to me for the execrable "Evil Dead", but redeem himself he did.

The story is of a young woman cursed by a gypsy to be, well, dragged to hell.

What works here is the production, the story telling. This is an expertly-made movie: aware of the cheezy conventions of Hollywood horror, and self-aware enough to know it's not "The Exorcist", it knowingly embraces what it is, occasionally using outright fake-looking practical effects... not all that different, I suppose from how David Lynch's fake bird didn't detract too badly from the surreal "Blue Velvet", and in this case even less disturbing since the plot is so fantasy-based already. And then, just to show you that's intentional, Raimi spices it up with enough…

Movie Reviews » Canadian

Relax, I’m From The Future

Totally fun sci-fi comedy. Rhys Darby, who I always liked in "Flight Of The Conchords", is a hapless time traveler stuck in our time and just looking to enjoy his life in the time before an unspeakable tragedy remakes the world in several decades. Could sit comfortably in a film festival as a little brother to "Buckaroo Bonzai" and other such classic geeky indie sci-fi comedies. I liked it.

A Canadian production filmed in Toronto, which makes sense, and continues to uphold the Canadian film industry's weirdly solid batting average in my experience. And, as probability would then indicate, therefore, it features Julian Richings—this time playing way against type as a nebbishy illustrator.

This is probably near the bottom of the films in my "honorable mentions" category, as some of those are real gems and very rewatchable, whereas this is just kind of a solidly above-average, enjoyable effort...…

Movie Reviews » watchable

After

After a meet-cute on a bus, immediately before it gets into an accident, a couple wakes up to find the town empty and an ominous storm moving in on the horizon. More of a fantasy/romance than the horror movie it initially appears to be setting up, as they wind up having to explore their pasts. Fairly well-made, it's reasonably watchable, if there's nothing particularly good on.

Movie Reviews » Bad but I like that it exists

Big Dark Energy

A home-made video assemblage appearing to consist of old IBM training films, desktop screensavers, and a bunch of apparently whatever other stock film or video footage the director, credited as "Metatron", could get his hands on—much of it clearly in low-res 72dpi. Electronic-sounding, possibly randomly-generated voiceovers talk about quantum computers or science or aliens or something, with "technological"-sounding stock library music playing in the background. Think "How It's Made" but, instead of manufacturing documentary footage, with technology-related stock footage and electronically-processed voices emitting technobabble.

This has no actor or production credits in IMDB, because, there are no actors or production in this, except for "Metatron" and a "writer", who should more properly be called the "assembler". Although, I guess, he did write the voice-over technobabble.

This is the cinematic equivalent of noise music.

In a way, I'm enjoying the nostalgia trip, as this reminds me of something you…