Movie Reviews

Simply put, the worst movie ever made, and not in that spectacular way that might be worth seeing just for the awfulness. Psycho girl played by an actress who appears never to have acted before or during filming is terrorized by a ramekin (a kind of pastry cup). Seemed like somebody's high school project. Maybe middle school.

Of course the lone hick has tunnels and a torture dungeon under his backcountry cabin. Set in the desert this time. With the likeable girl from "An American Haunting", I think, who looks like a young version of my aunt Muriel.
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Ted Demme as Martin Scorsese directs Johnny Depp as Ray Liotta, in "Blow" as "Goodfellas", with cocaine distribution as the Lufthansa heist.

Brutal, brutal, brutal survival tale of a couple of vapid photographers and models who get stranded when they crash their car in a remote desert.

Picture, in your mind, a movie about Ashley Greene and her husband moving into a haunted house, which at one point contains the lines "It wants US. It feeds on life. We opened a window into our world, and now it wants to come through." This is exactly the movie you're thinking of... except, this movie's ending makes less sense than the movie you're imagining.

another "thriller" about a psycho stalking/imprisoning, and re-stalking a woman through the woods. This one started off seemng like it was going to be good, with well-done scenes of a woman being stalked on the road by an increasingly threatening other motorist, before he captures he and it becomes much more run-of-the-mill fare. Still probably among the better of these types of movies, with some actually inventive twists and a genuinely creepy and realistic psycho, but, did the world really need another movie about nothing more than a lone woman being captured and/or pursued and victimized by a lone man and then overcoming it? Is that really a story that needed telling yet again?

Kids camping on an island snort coke with a virus that temporarily turns them into zombies. Meanwhile, in an underground facility, the drug is tested by a mysterious sciencey guy. Ha, you know, this is a bad, derivative horror movie, and an utterly acceptable watch, in that USA Up All Night bad movie kinda way. Just over the top and original enough, and not so derivative as to be painful. One of the worst movies I've ever not minded.

Couple falls asleep in a car and gets buried when a blizzard snows them in. Another example of the kind of stuck-in-a-hopelessly-remote-location survival film I like so well, although, probably my least favorite of those. Still one of them, though.

'Glee' with zombies. For real. Very nearly embarrassing enough to actually be entertaining.

mad scientist repeatedly clones and re-kills his dead ex-wife (stuffy, highbrow English version.)

Hardly worth dignifying with a review, except I don't want to someday accidentally think I didn't watch it and start it again. Family invites "Pilgrim Reenactors" to throw their thanksgiving dinner, who wind up inviting "friends" and eventually turn out to be murderous, because, movie. This would be a torture porn gore flick if it was gross instead of silly, or a horror comedy if it was funny. Man, these Hulu "Into The Dark" things could not be more scattershot in terms of quality.

Ok movie with Lily Collins as an anorexic in a group home. Not much to say.

Two things I can't stand: 1.) unbearably twee, self-consciously "quirky" comedies; and 2.) Tom Arnold being cast as anything other than the one white guy on the Soul Plane. I lasted like 20 minutes on this movie.

"The Prophecy", or some similar horseshit. Plot, just so I remember not to watch this again, is: God decides to wipe out mankind and sends the heavenly host to wipe out the Messiah, currently gestating in the belly of a waitress in a greasy spoon in the Arizona desert. Actually the first half or so wasn't bad, kind of similar to a less-cheezy "From Dusk Till Dawn" kind of aesthetic. But then you get buff dudes with wings swordfighting or some shit, and I get bored. You know, you'd expect an epic supernatural battle over the fate of mankind to involve something less mundane than fists, bullets, and teeth.

Paint-by-numbers suspense thriller. Mother and son movie to the mountains. There's someone in the house with them! And, that's all there is to this movie. They don't even ever tell you who the killer is. This is like one of those terrible French "thrillers" where people being terrorized is supposed to be enough to be considered a plot.

Bob Odenkirk redeems himself for "Melvin Goes To Dinner". Magical realist series about a young woman who suffers injuries in a car crash, only to discover that either insanity or time travel runs in her family. Rotoscoped animation seemed for the first episode like I was going to quickly get sick of it, but soon proves to be an incredibly smart production choice. Season 1 sags slightly in the middle, and the whole thing might have made a great movie instead of a very good series, but it's a very good series nonetheless, and highly original. Season 1 ends on a serious cliffhanger though. A conclusive ending would have been far more satisfying.

Technically well-made enough, I suppose, but this is the kind of movie that I hear made Sundance and wonder what the standards really are at that festival. Sunil Mani and her real-life boyfriend, playing exactly the sort of unbearable hipsters you don't live in Brooklyn because you're afraid you'd meet, spend like a half hour arguing about their relationship (because that's the sort of escapism you want in a movie, sitting through arguing about a relationship for 30 minutes) before heading up to a friend's cabin, as the world is invaded by alien poofballs who drink all the alcohol and kill everybody, because, movie, apparently. The couple tries to escape, a woman they could have just given a ride to steals their car and leaves them behind for no reason, they find a baby, stumble around in a hallucinogenic stupor because of a gas the poofballs decide to emit instead…

Like a caricature of a "Best Picture Oscar Winner"... all the signifiers are here. A complete, pristinely-polished exercise in navel contemplation. Every performance screams, "ACTING!", every soliloquy screams "DRAMATIC WRITING!", the cinematography screams, "CINEMATOGRAPHY!" Despite some good feints in which it appears to be about to descend into complete cliche and then doesn't, nonetheless it's as pretentious as they come, wearing it's "great movie" aspirations on its sleeves, without ever actually saying anything that I could relate to or care about... as perhaps best exemplified by totally unnecessary "look what I can do!" technical exercise of making most of the movie look like one long continuous shot, as if "gee whiz" factor is a substitute for entertainment. All the pretense even renders the extremely cool solo-drumming-only soundtrack into complete contrived artifice, in this context. Granted, complete contrived artifice /can/ work, but it still has to say something. Here, it doesn't.…

decent indie werewolf flick. Southern boys at a farmhouse, yet somehow also, gangstas there.

what starts out seeming like it's going to be a typical captivity flick set at a hospital grows into an ambitious, if difficult to understand, Clive Barker-type affair with demons, an alternate dimension, and lots of tentacles. Kind of entertaining.

Alright. Petulant Kiwi teen under house arrest, ankle monitor and all, with her crazy family in big old house. Things go bump in the walls, as what looks like a setup for supernatural horror turns into a pretty decent non-supernatural thriller.

good old-fashioned monster movie! People hiding in a basement from an invasion of giant wasps. Cheezy, but not toooo cheezy. Done right in most ways. Big fun here, I like it. Once again proves the universal horror-movie truism that, if you're stuck in a horror movie situation, outliving Lance Hendriksen is the key to survival.

A personal fave. More of a horror comedy than a horror film, but twisted and bizarre enough to be real fun. A kid, a serial killer, a halloween mask, a case of mistaken identity, what more do you need?

Continuing the tradition of flawed but interesting films that can be found on Hulu. Two cooking up meth in the woods get caught in a time loop when her psychotic boyfriend shows up. This film desperately wants to be a cult favorite, starts off like it's going to be standard USA Up All Night-quality fare, and gets better and better with each scene, wrapping up in an original and unexpected but satisfying way.