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Movie Reviews » Different, At Least

The Mist

I have an odd affection for this atrocious Stephen King adaptation about a strange mist that brings a plague of monsters to a Maine town.

Sadly, King adaptations seem to be more often Hollywoodized bubblegum pap like "1408" than "The Shining". This is the former. Aside from the unfortunately usual cringeworthy standards so many King adaptations seem to have, this one scrapes the bottom of the barrel even worse: unbelievable and clichéd story points obviously contrived to add "drama" but only succeeding in adding cringe, two-dimensional characters, and of course the de riguer overally tv-movie-quality productions which King's stories too often attract.

Roger Ebert called it a "competently made Horrible Things Pouncing on People movie", but I think he was being generous. There are moments of true incompetence here, which is surprising, as it was directed by Frank Darabont, who also adapted "The Shawshank Redemption" and "The Green…

Movie Reviews » Just, Don't

An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn

Just putting here because I forgot to review it and it's a touchstone for a certain variety of film that I find so worthless I can't imagine why they were made. See my review of "Visioneers" for a description.

Movie Reviews » Bad but I liked it

Parasomnia

Wow. The ultimate "A+ for effort" horror/fantasy flick. Fails, but what an effort!

In terms of plot, if it matters, a temporary resident of a mental institution falls for the comatose girl up the hall, who it turns out... nah, I'm not going to spoil it. It's not exactly "different", but it steals so brazenly from films that are, that it is.

This "teen scream"-quality film shamelessly steals from Silence Of The Lambs, Saw, Mirrormask (actually stealing from that one shows impressive discernment) and I'm sure a million others on its way to a far more phantasmagoric second half than anyone could possibly see coming. It goes so far, and commits so hard to what it's trying to do, that it's actually impressive. And it's not even "so bad it's good"... it's not bad bad bad, it's just... aggressively mediocre, in so many ways, yet tries so hard…

Movie Reviews » watchable

Wentworth (series)

Australian for "OITNB".

Womens' prison drama plays it fairly straight and gritty, doesn't have OITNB's perverse humor. Decent, though, with good acting. Maybe it's Australian for "Oz".

Movie Reviews » Je nais se quois

Bad Boy Bubby

I've never been more torn as to whether I liked or hated a film.

This plays like the evil twin of "Being There"—a cheaply-made film in which a deranged man-child, kept imprisoned in squalor and sexually abused by his mother for his entire life, escapes into urban Adelaide, and in a highly episodic series of events is taken, "Chance the gardener"-like, into various people's company, eventually fronting a rock band, and getting laid way more often than a babbling, homeless-looking person who can only repeat things he's heard said to him really ought to be, before ultimately stumbling into true love, all without being able to string together a single coherent sentence.

First off, this film has a lot of taboos—incest and animal cruelty, for starters, as he has sex with his mother and senselessly asphyxiates first his cat and then his parents with plastic wrap.

Then, the…

Movie Reviews » Je nais se quois

The Pond (2021)

A slow-to-get-going, very quiet but beautifully shot rural folk horror that I'm sure most people will hate but I found very satisfying, once it got going, to the extent that it ever does. A researcher out at a rural pond for not-clearly-specified reasons encounters mounting hallucinations and increasingly hostile locals, with a heavy dose of pagan mythology. Picture a much quieter, almost arthouse "The Wicker Man" or "Midsommar" vibe, but fortunately restrained enough not to be distractingly pretentious.

This was very badly panned by a lot of people on IMDB, but a few seemed to appreciate it as I did, and film buffs might find it to stand out from the pack. Despite being bored for the first part, I did, and by the end I found it very good.

The cinematography stood out, and even a lot of reviewers who hated the film acknowledged that—very reminiscent of Lars…

Movie Reviews » watchable

News Readers

Goofy, mildly amusing Cartoon Network Adult Swim news parody segment repackaged as a series on Tubi. Fairly funny, although more in a "chuckle" kind of way than a "laugh out loud" kind of way, with cameos from virtually everyone you've seen play a supporting role in a comedy show in the last 15 years. Plus a recurring segment with Ray Wise as a clueless, grouchy old-school commentator, so, as Wise's presence usually indicates, there's a certain baseline that it does maintain. I enjoyed it well enough.

Movie Reviews » watchable

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm

Funny enough, if you like Sacha Baron-Cohen's type of humor. It's not nonstop hilarity but definitely has some laugh-out-loud moments. A big plus is that they added the character of his daughter, played by an eastern European actress who is every bit as funny as he is, which helps a lot. I don't know where they found this woman.

Movie Reviews » WAY too indie

The 5th Shadow

An artist and his wife scream at each other through an endless montage of artsy-fartsy special effects, choppy editing, and frequent changes of film stock. IMDB says it's a story of a man traveling through alternate dimensions after his wife leaves him, but fucked if I could figure that out watching it.

Movie Reviews » Turned it off

All Alone Together

Some sort of BS attempt at weak horror about a filmmaker. As amateurish as it gets. High-school-play-level acting, too talky, leaden pacing.

Decently lit, though, which is funny.

Movie Reviews » Turned it off

Altered Perception (2017)

Several couples take an experimental drug and argue about their relationships, and argue about their relationships, and argue about their relationships, and argue about their relationships, and argue about their relationships, and argue about their relationships...

Update: I came back a few days later and I had forgotten to close my browser, this was still queued to where I'd turned the TV off. So I watched the last half-hour. Spoiler alert: They spend the rest of the movie arguing about their relationships.

Movie Reviews » Je nais se quois

Abruptio

Now, this is a uniquely weird movie. A bizarre and gory tale of unseen forces manipulating humans to commit acts of extreme violence is told entirely with human-sized puppets, which are detailed enough to go straight down the uncanny valley: they blink, they appear to have nearly-real-looking human skin with stray hairs and razor stubble, although the facial expressions are largely unchanging. It helps that it's filmed in real locations.

At first it seems like someone knew they had a fair-to-middling-at-best horror sci-fi on their hands so they decided to make the best of it and elevate it into something truly strange, making suspension of disbelief much easier with the puppet-only production. But, boy, the trick kinda worked.

One critic said, "too damn strange to completely ignore", and I agree with that.

To give an idea of what's going on here, turns out some of the characters are…

Movie Reviews » watchable

Possessor

An assassin uses mind-transfer technology to carry out assassinations with other people's bodies. Decent enough outing from Brandon Cronenberg, who's still got his dad's high-concept pretensions (in a good way) but seems to be getting better at his own execution. A bit slow moving, but fans of his contrived-seeming but reasonably interesting other feature "Antiviral" will be familiar with the pacing. Might not be for everybody, but I found it watchable enough.

Movie Reviews » Turned it off

Anxiety (2024)

Overly amateur production about a recoving alcoholic stressing out during the pandemic, which apparently consists of seeing "artsy" video montages and effects, plus way too many real-life clips of Donald Trump being a dick during the pandemic. I guess they thought we needed to be told he's an asshole.

I lasted over an hour, but with 30 minutes left to go, I gave up.

Movie Reviews » Just, Don't

Cheap Thrills

Well-made but irredeemably, genuinely horrible "Funny Games"*-type picture consisting of nothing but brutality as entertainment. Billed as a "black comedy", without a single bit of humor, unless you think violence is funny.

Two down-on-their-luck losers meet a rich couple in a bar who challenge them to an escalating series of repulsive, cruel, and brutally violent dares for massive sums of cash. And that's it, that's all there is. When someone finally wins the final dare, the movie ends with him returning home to his family with the money, and that's it. I supposed it's supposed to read as some sort of redemption that he's sicker than the other guy in how far he's willing to go to save his family's finances. I didn't really see it that way.

David Koechner in the role he was born to play—that's not a good thing—as the leering rich guy.

(*No…

Movie Reviews » watchable

Come To Daddy

Elijah Wood, whom I always seem to like, goes to visit the father he's never known (Canadian character actor Stephen McHattie from Pontypool and a whole lot more) at his remote coastal Oregon cabin, and after somewhat of a slow start, what seems like it's going to be a horror movie turns into a low-grade but somewhat fun, twisted neo-noir in the post-Tarantino tradition. I liked it fine, no regrets about watching it. I believe neither Wood nor McHattie have yet let me down at this point.

Movie Reviews » "Found Footage" crap

The Decedent

Found-footage crap about a gorgeous mortician who works on the body of serial killer and is possessed by the entity that made him kill and spends the rest of the movie killing whoever shows up, as seen exclusivey through the funeral home's security cameras and the odd number of body cams that everyone in this movie seems to wear for some reason. Actually has one notable gore scene where she slowly enbalms a living person. Might have been a decent exploitation flick, as exploitation flicks go... if they had just bothered to hire a cameraman.

Movie Reviews » Just, Don't

Debbie Does Demons

I think this is a softcore porno that somehow wound up on Tubi. Some sort of horror-themed nonsense about a ouija board summoning a 300-year-old witch is a pretext for showing a lot of unnaturally large tits and trashy people talking about screwing, in the lowest-possible home-movie production quality.

I mean, yeah, if you resurrected a busty 300-year-old witch with a ouija board, I'm sure the first thing she would do is stand in the shower caressing her own body, right? That's the level this thing operates on.

I lasted about 45 minutes before turning it off, but truthfully that was only because I was distracted for a lot of that time by looking up naked photos of one of the actresses on the internet.

Movie Reviews » Bad but I liked it

Alice and the Vampire Queen

Hokey C-grade but fun flick that plays like a forgotten vampire TV show pilot. A gorgeous ex-con, down on her luck, gets hired as a chef for private club catering to a clan of vampires and has episodic adventures in between making steak tartare for everyone in the whole damn place every night.

I dunno, I kinda found it entertaining. Not in a way I'd recommend, though.

Movie Reviews » Bad but I liked it

Lillith

This is one of the best awful movies I've ever seen. A jilted college student summons a succubus to get revenge on her ex-boyfriend, and then can't stop her from rampaging. An absolutely amateur, zero budget, probably student-run production. But—I liked it! The actors really commit, and it had odd moments of cheeky humor that worked in much the same way as your friend saying something cheeky might work.

And it stayed in its lane: tt didn't get overambitious, it seemed to know it wasn't working with much and did what it could with what little it had. The sum total was that it was kind of charming how bad it was.

Movie Reviews » Different, At Least

Lifechanger

Not-as-bad-as-it-should be little indie horror with a fairly original premise: with no explanation, just a statement that it is so, a shapeshifting serial killer must repeatedly kill people and assuming their forms and memories, leaving their desiccated bodies hidden at a remote farm. He falls in love with a young woman and repeatedly tries to insinuate himself into her life, dealing the whole time with the rate at which the bodies he assumes decay.

Not terrible, for what it is. Not that good, but I'll call it "watchable" because it really should have been so much worse.

Blog Posts » featured movie reviews

Spider-Man — Homecoming

It's a Marvel superhero movie.That generally says it all, in my experience.

Somehow these big Marvel superhero movies remind me of Michael Jackson's adult career: get a bunch of big-name luminaries together with a big budget to expertly craft something that screams "blockbuster", and yet still, somehow, manages to be less than the sum of its parts—the writing just isn't exceptional, it's formula dressed up with big names and glitzy production. . And everybody for some reason thinks it's great, except me.

Basically watchable, for a special-effects superhero action blockbuster. But for as much talent was involved in making this movie, that's a crime.

Movie Reviews » watchable

Paul Blart, Mall Cop

This is not a very good movie, but, I will say, it's about ten times better than I expected it to be. I never like Kevin James nor the track record of Adam Sandler's production company, that made this, but rather than being the truly stupid pile of garbage I expected, it's actually—once it gets going, which takes quite a while—a moderately watchable B-grade action comedy, if you don't go into it expecting more than that.

I'm really surprised. Never imagined I'd think anywhere nearly that highly of it.

Movie Reviews » watchable

The Morning Show (series)

Decent drama about the politics behind a morning news show and the network that puts it on. It's not top-flight entertainment like "The Larry Sanders Show", nor is it a classic behind-the-scenes drama series with memorable characters like "Mad Men" or "The Sopranos"—and it sure isn't even anywhere near in the same league as "Network"—but the acting is good, and the writing is fairly gripping, every time a season ended I wanted it to go on.

Movie Reviews » Honorable Mention

Threads

Truly harrowing story about the buildup to and aftermath of a nuclear strike on Sheffield, England, following the intertwined lives of several people caught in the attack. This unflinchingly grim take on the short, medium, and eventual long-term personal and social toll of a nuclear strike was, incredibly, originally a TV movie. Like "Testament", another movie on a similar theme that I often mention in the same breath, it is absolutely unsparing. It's a very rough watch but an undeniable classic, and order of magnitude better movie than the contrived, soap-operatic pseudo-relevant "The Day After".

I'm writing this quite some time after last having seen it as I've just realized I somehow have never reviewed it. This movie is a pretty big favorite of mine. I'm not sure I can put it up with my very biggest favorites, but it's damn close.

Movie Reviews » Je nais se quois

You, Me and the Apocalypse (series)

Kind of an offbeat British/American comedy about an eclectic assortment of characters who become involved with each other in the days before humanity is due to be wiped out by a comet. Jenne Fischer, Rob Lowe, Diana Rigg. I enjoyed it, it was more clever and entertaining than it should have been, and I was disappointed when the first season ended on a cliffhanger and it wasn't picked up for a second.

Movie Reviews » watchable

The Fix

Alright sci-fi action thriller about a spectacularly gorgeous model (Grace Van Dien, great-granddaughter of Robert Mitchum) who ingests an experimental drug, intended to protect humanity from the increasingly toxic atmosphere, that causes her to undergo strange mutations. Soon the scientists are after her. There's guys with guns, lots of running and jumping.

Surprisingly not bad. Visually well-done, high production values without going too far over the top, and adequate acting to pull it off. Deserves better than the 4.7 stars it has on IMDB, at any rate.

Movie Reviews » Different, At Least

Life Cycle

A programmer living in isolation invents an artificially intelligent and thoroughly fake-looking but oddly expressive (thanks to some skilled puppetry) head, and charges it to learn to humanize itself. It then spends the movie slowly going insane. Was actually kind of decent for the first half given the conceit, with some decent takes on familiar "What is human, anyway" tropes—the head wakes him up thinking it saw a face in the closet, which he explains is due to its having successfully inherited the human cognitive ability to recognize faces, even when there isn't really one, a neat idea—although by the second half it kind of runs out of steam and feels kind of perfunctory by the conclusion. Ultimately I can't say I liked it it, which is disappointing, because for a while it was definitely heading that way (no pun intended).

Movie Reviews » Je nais se quois

Tin Can

Weirdly OK sci fi flick. In pandemic times, a scientist wakes up imprisoned in a life support unit, and spends the movie wandering a medical-facility-cum-military-installation, uncovering the truth about what's happening to her. Little dialogue and almost no plot, but, visually well done enough to be sort of interesting, I guess, and with touches of fairly disturbing body horror. I didn't hate it, and might actually watch it again at some point to pay a little closer attention.

Movie Reviews » Just, Don't

Hackers

I really wanted to like this movie. This was recommended to me by a few people in Indieweb when it was October '25 movie of the month for their Indieweb Movie Club blog carnival, hosted by the estimable Benji.

So, it is with some degree of disappointment that I found, not being a child of the '90s and having no sentimental attachment to the excesses of that era (I have the '70s for that, thank you, although I generally don't steer unwitting friends of other generations towards it with any promise that the cheese I happen to love is going to hold any reward for them) that I found this to be an vapid and unredeemable pile of glossy Hollywood garbage.

This movie appears to have been written by a screenwriter who read an article about "hacking" in Newsweek…