Movie Reviews

Absolutely execrable zero-budget home movie ripoff of "Squid Games". A YouTuber decides he wants to give away his channel, so, he has a competition where people play childrens games to win it, and the losers are all shot, because, movie. If we're lucky, nobody involved with this so-called "film" will work in movies again.

I knew going into this it was going to be bad—as if a horror movie about someone putting razor blades in a waterslide at an amusement park could be anything but—but I was fully unprepared for how bad. For the first 50 minutes of this movie, teenagers at a waterpark bicker and argue and pick on each other. Then, an unknown person puts what are apparently the world's sharpest blades in an 'X' halfway down one of the slides with nobody noticing, and we get 20 minutes of so-bad-its-hilarious scenes of people being cut neatly into pie slices as they slide down the slide, and the crowd panicking at the disproportionately immense amount of gore this causes to come rushing out of the bottom. Oh, and, one guy, covered in blood, climbing all the way to the top to tell people to stop going down—because apparently the sound of dozens…

Eric Roberts leads the cast of this Felissa Rose-produced outing, which should be enough to tell you everything. A family of cannibals traps door-to-door salesmen in their basements, harvests their organs for sale, and eats whatever's left over.

Self-consciously bad and relentlessly campy, almost like if John Waters directed a "horror comedy" gore flick. Picture "Serial Mom" with more gore and much worse acting. At least it's trying to be a horror comedy, though, and not just a bad horror movie they're calling a "horror comedy" because they're embarrassed at what a bad horror movie it is. That actually makes it, well, slightly inoffensive, at least to my skewed sensibilities. (Yes: a movie about cannibals imprisoning people to harvest their organs in a basement lab is one thing; but make a bad horror movie and try to pass it off as a comedy out of embarrassment, and I am outraged!)

It's a tale as old as time: a rural family is being ordered off their land by the government and aren't taking kindly to it, and they're all pale mutants due to the water being poisoned or something, and one of them always wears a creepy smiley face mask, and they kill every random group of twentysomething who camps anywhere in the woods nearby.

Practically ripped from the headlines!

Stars Lin Shaye as the mariarch of the murderous, pale, mask-wearing clan, who does really well when this movie makes the mistake so many like it do and in the third act finally gets alright (for what it is, which is to say, something that would have been much better if it was from 1975 than 2019... something about sweet-looking little Lin Shaye cutting off a sheriff's fingers and hissing at him "That's not all I'm going to cut off"…

This is insultingly bad. It's stupid and broad enough that it seems for all the world like a children's movie, with rubber costume demons, the thinnest possible plot, paper-thin overplayed characters, and basically an overall impression of having been put together by high school students—but it has explicit (if very cheap-looking) gore and heavy sexuality (if all heavy, panting lesbian frottage and not so much as a nipple), and a honest-to-god rape scene.

Girl gets bullied, and the devil, in the form of a woman in an evening gown who occasionally wears a rubber devil mask, decides she likes her, and kills them all in ways that are stupidly broad. Like, one of the popular girls picks on her in school, and a moment later, at her locker, is pushed by a rubber demon hand into a never-explained "Satan-y" place of some sort—which looks like a teenager with a…

Cabin in the woods. Teenagers. Not particularly scary normal guy in clown makeup trying to talk in a gruff voice. The most perfunctory, paint-by-numbers pursuit/captivity flick ever.

Dreadful indie horror had potential but it's too much of an incoherent mess and worships too much at the altar of bad '80s "Sleepaway Camp"-caliber horror. A man returns to his old home in the remote Catskills to take care of his terminally ill mother, and apparently the mess that follows is him losing his mind or something.

A weird array of cameos for a crap picture: Edward Furlong, the mother is Shelley Duvall in her last role, plus bad-horror-movie avatars Felissa Rose and Dee Wallace, along with lots of the sort of, er, "acting" you see in movies you see the latter two in. Also a couple of weird scenes where the Latino leading man meets some actors very, very, VERY hamfistedly playing two-dimensional racist rednecks out in the woods, who do things like stomp his head while shoulding "RESPECT OUR FLAG!" for hearing him singing to himself in…

A bunch of people wandering in the woods have hallucinatory episodes surrounding a strange untalented actress they encounter out there. Seems like someone shot this on home video with a bunch of stiff, untalented local dinner theater actors or something and props they got at a Halloween store. You can tell someone involved really wanted to make a good movie but the production is unredeemably amateur. For the last time, people: obvious video effects are never scary.

Worst of the worst. This appears to be a porn movie, except, despite all the talk about boobs, and women walking around with hyperinflated boobs, and women squishing their boobs, and women taking off their shirts to show their boobs, and weird mentions of Playboy and Ron Jeremy inserted into conversations, and incredibly greasy and amateurish male actors, there's no sex.

Instead, it's an unbelievably cliched, zero-effort attempt at a slasher flick.

There's no acting or editing, either.

"Hostel", but set in a sleazy sex club in China. And with more guns and gangsters. And a shitty rave soundtrack.

And somebody thought this was a good idea.

Lousy. Gorgeous couples move out to the country, decide to go ghost hunting at what's supposed to be a burned out prison but looks nothing like a prison, locals are in some sort of cult and chase them through it attack them, there's a ghostly demonic preacher who looks like Rob Zombie fading in and out, kids have crescent moon birthmarks that are never explained, the whole thing is just kind of a mess.

Tediously unoriginal and predictable captivity/pursuit flick: kids on a road trip, flat tire, remote farmhouse, psycho local family, you know the drill. Why would anybody bother to make this movie again? The production values and direction are decent, but who cares?