In between interminable references to "The Pina Colada Song" for some reason, a Brooklyn hipster gets bit by a cat (named "Booger"), and behaves like she is turning onto a cat as she spends the movie looking for Booger, who has escaped out a window. Then Booger returns, and she doesn't turn into a cat. So she sings "The Pina Colada Song" in the shower, and the credits roll, to an indie rock cover of "The Pina Colada Song".
And somebody thought this was a good idea for a movie.
This films is difficult to know what to do with.
By all rights, it should suck. Zero budget, not very good acting, plotting that seems rather arbitrary, and, worst of all, it's needlessly shot "found footage" style, including the usual contrivance such as people filming while they're running and not being able to turn their head back to look at something pursuing them without swinging the camera around too.
The plot is, a grafitti artist disappears into a freestanding door in an abandoned building, and a couple of filmmakers take the door back to their apartment to study it. It turns out to open to a different parallel dimension every time they open it, which leads to a lot of predictably random dangers and dimension-hopping through door after door as people are lost, found, or abducted between dimensions. A few intriguing encounters with other-dimensional selves are shown and then…
Originally posted on IMDB.
Note to aspiring filmmakers: there are two things you are not.
The first is David Lynch.
The second, and this needs to be said far less often because most people are smart enough to make the mistake, is Jean Luc Godard.
But whoever decided to make this pretentious, arch, plotless, "artsy" mess of visual and narrative noise apparently needs to be told.
30 minutes into it I was so flummoxed and annoyed by it that I had to check IMDB to see what others said. And, sure enough, only one review, and they said they didn't last 15 minutes. I believe it.
Don't get me wrong, there's some talented-for-a-student production and cinematography—and this has got to be a student film—but that's not enough. And you really can't just say, "I'm afraid I'm not good enough to make a regular movie people will like,…
Does what it says on the tin.
Or, would, if the title was "A Man Goes On a Killing Spree For No Reason, In Between Much-Too-Long, Scenes Of Wooden Actors Having Interminable, Banal Conversations About Nothing Because The Director Has Apparently Never Heard Of 'Pacing' or 'Editing'".
Kind of an enjoyable New Zealand sci-fi flick which, from 1985, may be the latest example I know of of that slightly campy but good, character-driven 1970s-type movie making. A scientist wakes up to find everyone else in the world gone. He spends half the movie doing what I actually realistically think people would do if they can go unwhere and know nobody will see them: keeping himself entertained in fine style, driving big trucks around, stealing art for fun. Eventually he meets some other people and they just kind of survive and worry about the future. It doesn't sound like much of a plot but, I dunno, it's a pretty good, even if not great, movie. It has a rating of 6.7 in IMDB, which is about right, in my opinion.
I also like that when he meets other people, there's some initial apprehension, but mostly they're happy…
A truly shitty excursion in which wooden actors are shown committing murders, and then appear before a man in a plaster mask who announces himself as "The God Of Pain" and sentences them to eternal pain.
Boy, this movie really makes kind of an impression.
Annalynne McCord, last seen looking like a glamor-model-turned-actress in 90210, plays, in what is only the first of this movie's many bits of stunt casting of famous faces in unlikely roles, a painfully awkward, geeky outcast with bad skin, greasy hair and rings under her eyes. She actually kind of pulls it off with a certain impressive intensity I wouldn't have thought a puffball 90210 actress had in her. She plays socially inept and awkward—and maybe something darker peeking out underneath it—to the hilt and it's actually pretty entertaining to watch. I bet she had to study real geeks to nail it this well.
Along the way, ex-porn star Traci Lords plays her extremely uptight and conservative mom, John Waters plays a priest with a completely straight face, and cameos pop up from Malcolm McDowall, Marlee Matlin, Ariel Winter as…
This was ok. During the pandemic, a woman goes to visit a friend who has been having intense nightmares, and they turn out to be contagious. It gets into some vaguely supernatural and eventually existential ideas as they learn the cause. It ultimately isn't really that rewarding, but, unlike a lot of horror movies, it's underplayed, which works in its favor. Watchable enough if nothing else is on.
Don't know the plot because I turned it off less than 20 minutes into it. Porn-movie-quality acting tells me all I need to know. Not interested.
I notice a lot of truly abysmal, home-movie-level crap comes from this company "ITN". This is more of that. There's an incubus, he looks like the Brawny paper towel man, and a bunch of other shit that I can't even be bothered to summarize, and no acting or filmmaking skill anywhere to be seen.
This is an interesting one. It takes so long to get where it's going, but is so passably adequate even before it's gotten there, that by the time it does get there in the third act, it feels like the sudden kick into high gear is a complete (and odd) change in the tone of the movie.
A man and a woman discover they can see and speak to each other through their TVs. The catch: each knows the other as a character in a favorite TV show. For two acts, it unfolds along this premise, with the interwoven stories good for some perfectly enjoyable if not particularly memorable escapism. However, in the third act, they don't just break the fourth wall, they bend it into a moebius strip, and the movie turns from an interesting fantasy/crime drama into straight-up David Lynch territory, as more of the movie is…
This is one of those really bad movies that kind of feels like a group of friends got together and made a movie, but in this case, every single one of them is a huge ham and really into it, so it makes it kind of funny even though it's totally bad.
During a voard game night among a suspiciously diverse group of geeky friends, a guy who violated the superstition of kicking a cat in heat and rolling three sixes on dice throws them all into a horror movie. The rest of the movie is spent doing fourth-wall lampoons of a million different conventions of horror and other genres, much in the manner I imagine "Scream" probably does if I ever had any interest in watching that, except with way worse acting and production.
I don't know if I could ever sit through it for another viewing, but…
Pretty decent English modern-vampire-movie-played-almost-as-drama a lá "The Hamiltons". This was pretty decent though. Modern English vampire family deals with internal politics and trying to survive without being found out in a small town. "The Hamiltons" is a little near and dear to my heart to draw a comparison but I think I still like that better as it's a little leaner.
An indie, hipster version of "1408". Woman trapped alone in her Brooklyn apartment has a bunch of surreal, random "scary" things happen to her, and it's all supposed to mean something, but god only knows what. At least the lead actress (who also directs, probably a warning sign) is better at acting terrified than John Cusack.
Note to filmmakers everywhere: the last director who threw a bunch of random shit at the wall and made it stick was David Lynch, and even he had to eventually bring more to the table than that.
This movie is pretty sophomoric. Dick jokes (including a huge rubber dildo that appears more than once), insecurity about males being mistaken for being gay, and every imaginable prank that frat boys play on passed out drunk people, plus a few new ones, figure into this "horror comedy" as a group of douchebag friends go to a cabin for a weekend and are stalked as a serial killer. Expect jokes about a douchebag's hand being glued to a nude woman's breast while they're both passed out, and then, because it's a "horror comedy", you can imagine what happens when he pulls too hard trying to get it off.
But, you know what: it has its original points. The key premise is, they're stalked by the increasingly frustrated serial killer, who mostly doesn't get a chance to kill anyone, because they all wind up killing each other first.
And,…
I can't believe it. Somebody actually made a "horror comedy" that works watchably well as both.
I have never seen a film that is so charming and so grisly at the same time. The four adorable, precocious young daughters (played by real-life sisters, all seeming about 6 years old) of a smitten mother, revealed in the opening scenes as being involved in a very passionate and very kinky relationship, decide they don't like her fiancee and, on a family trip to a sylvan lakefront cabin, decide to do something about it. And, oh my, they do, as the film takes a hard right turn in the middle from charming comedy thriller into more serious territory.
Unfortunately, a flawed gem, marred primarily by a very lazy and gratuitous ending—and I mean just the last two or three minutes, but, a really disappointing out-of-left field "denouement" that is more of a letdown…
Sort of bombastic, portentious sci-fi wannabe-"epic" pseudodocumentary about humans exploring a wormhole and having their brains transplanted into artificial bodies and finding new solar systems and such. Moderately ok, I guess.
Surprisingly ok sci-fi special effects thriller, after a slow and cliched start. Filmmaker out to debunk UFO abductions gets more than he expected in the American southwest, but it winds up a little better than that sounds. Kinda weirdly alright, after it finally gets going.
Quirky, kind of fun English film about three couples living in a backyard bunker after the apocalypse when things get crazy. It was billed as a "horror comedy", which typically puts me off, but it really wasn't, it was more of a straight comedy with postapocalyptic horror theme, but played entirely for laughs, not like a horror movie that was so bad they called it a comedy in hopes of salvaging it. I've seen less entertaining films.
This film is pretty good. A lot of Stephen King adaptations are terrible, even ones of good books, but this one about a writer being held captive by a psychotic fan works due to strong casting—James Caan, Kathy Bates, and a couple of other recognizable if not-exactly-tip-of-the-tongue character actors in the supporting cast.
Tough call here. I have a hard time viewing this movie objectively due to the affection I feel for having seen it in the theaters as a kid.
It's not great, definitely far from it, and deeply flawed. Mostly it coasts on the chemistry of Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi both playing against type as unlikely neighbors thrust together at the end of a remote cul-de-sac... Aykroyd as a wild man and Belushi as a conservative, but both with the comic chops to pull off what otherwise might have been a disaster on the order of casting Steve Martin as the straight man in "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles".
The writing is terrible though. I like the film in spite of it, but, the writing is pretty terrible.
An obese high school girl who is mercilessly picked on is taken in by a serial killer, shown the ropes, and coached to torture her tormentors.
I throw around the phrase "home movie" quite a bit to describe the lowest of low budget flicks, but it has never fit better than hear.
This really looks like someone had a super-8 camera and an idea... and no talent. You can see the "actors"... I'm guessing friends and family of the director... reading cue cards at points. (No joke, two of the actors have the same last name as the director/writer/producer.)
That said, though... funny thing, this is SO bad it's almost hard to dislike. It's like if your friends made a movie... of course it;s going to be bad... but you're going to like it. This is like that.
Only problem, and the thing that keeps me from…
Decent enough African supernatural thriller about a couple who hire the daughter of their deceased housekeeper who makes weird traditional foods and practices whatever the old tribal religion is, and she begins to exert weird control over the household.
Serious swing and a miss here. Beautiful cinematography, and a nice analog synth soundtrack—overall reminischent of "Beyond The Black Rainbow" in those ways, including with lots of saturated lighting ond strong geometric shapes, and lots of long, quiet parts with little dialogue. Visually and sonically, it leans rather poetic.
And: TERRIBLE writing, just the worst excuse for writing I've ever seen.
Basically, a woman goes to housesit a big rural house, and just starts acting weird and turns into a killer for no apparent reason. First she kills the dog, then she kills the neighbor, then she hides and kills the family whose house it is when they return home. Also a weird, satanic-looking man appears and stands in the house late at night when she's asleep, which I guess is supposed to mean something. Oh, yeah, aksi, in the beginning of the movie, when she arrives at the house…
Odd movie starts like a horror flick and becomes a neo-noir crime thriller with minor horror elements. Gay couple agree to ferry drugs by swallowing them wrapped in condoms to get them across a border, unaware it's not exactly a drug.... When one ruptures in one guy's stomach due to a punch in the stomach from a homophobe in a bathroom, they much go to the drug kingpin's house in the woods to try and get the rest out.
Not for the squeamish. Some wrigging stuff, and kind of an anal fixation. But it's not bad, if you are up for the horror elements. It's ok. Probably on the low end of adequately watchable.
Absolutely execrable zero-budget home movie ripoff of "Squid Games". A YouTuber decides he wants to give away his channel, so, he has a competition where people play childrens games to win it, and the losers are all shot, because, movie. If we're lucky, nobody involved with this so-called "film" will work in movies again.
Hmmmm. HMMMMMMM. Hmmmm. Here we have a seriously flawed gem.
This is a "slice of life" zombie movie. Two ex-ballplayers wander around New England trying to survive after a zombie apocalyse. Like a lot of these sorts of movies, this falls within the long shadow cast by "The Walking Dead" but among those movies it's top of the heap. Had it been an episode of the show, it would have been a cult favorite.
It's probably the most realistic of this sort of movie that I've seen. The characters are basically assholes, totally realistic. The movie follows them around and lingers on prosaic details... very long, several-minute-long shots of just them brushing their teeth, stuff like that. But it works.
It does have a narrative arc of sorts, but as a slice of life, it doesn't really come to the satisfying ending I wanted, which makes it…
I knew going into this it was going to be bad—as if a horror movie about someone putting razor blades in a waterslide at an amusement park could be anything but—but I was fully unprepared for how bad. For the first 50 minutes of this movie, teenagers at a waterpark bicker and argue and pick on each other. Then, an unknown person puts what are apparently the world's sharpest blades in an 'X' halfway down one of the slides with nobody noticing, and we get 20 minutes of so-bad-its-hilarious scenes of people being cut neatly into pie slices as they slide down the slide, and the crowd panicking at the disproportionately immense amount of gore this causes to come rushing out of the bottom. Oh, and, one guy, covered in blood, climbing all the way to the top to tell people to stop going down—because apparently the sound of dozens…
Eric Roberts leads the cast of this Felissa Rose-produced outing, which should be enough to tell you everything. A family of cannibals traps door-to-door salesmen in their basements, harvests their organs for sale, and eats whatever's left over.
Self-consciously bad and relentlessly campy, almost like if John Waters directed a "horror comedy" gore flick. Picture "Serial Mom" with more gore and much worse acting. At least it's trying to be a horror comedy, though, and not just a bad horror movie they're calling a "horror comedy" because they're embarrassed at what a bad horror movie it is. That actually makes it, well, slightly inoffensive, at least to my skewed sensibilities. (Yes: a movie about cannibals imprisoning people to harvest their organs in a basement lab is one thing; but make a bad horror movie and try to pass it off as a comedy out of embarrassment, and I am outraged!)
It's a tale as old as time: a rural family is being ordered off their land by the government and aren't taking kindly to it, and they're all pale mutants due to the water being poisoned or something, and one of them always wears a creepy smiley face mask, and they kill every random group of twentysomething who camps anywhere in the woods nearby.
Practically ripped from the headlines!
Stars Lin Shaye as the mariarch of the murderous, pale, mask-wearing clan, who does really well when this movie makes the mistake so many like it do and in the third act finally gets alright (for what it is, which is to say, something that would have been much better if it was from 1975 than 2019... something about sweet-looking little Lin Shaye cutting off a sheriff's fingers and hissing at him "That's not all I'm going to cut off"…
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