A number of years ago I started jotting down summaries of movies I’ve watched, just to keep track of what I’d seen. As the years went by, the list grew, and occasionally (but not often) I was moved to write more, until finally I wound up with hundreds of them, mostly very short summaries but occasionally a little more in-depth for movies I particularly liked or loathed. There’s a brief section of favorites and honorable mentions, then below that they’re indexed by movie title, click a letter to see the titles starting with that letter.By the way: this list is extremely heavy, although not exclusive, with horror and science fiction films, because that’s what I watch most.A word about my terminology As I wrote these reviews just for myself, I sometimes use shorthand that might need explanation: A first-person shooteris what I call the post-“Blair Witch” films where the entire movie is seen first-person through the lens of one or more cameras, which the actors improbably always keep pointed forwards and filming, even as they run for their lives through dark woods or passageways, hide, make out, get swallowed by a monster, etc.A first person shooter frequently ends with a series of camera drops, in which the camera suddenly falls to the floor motionless, indicating the only thing that can get any of these people to stop filming, their death, after which the camera films for two more seconds and then the screen hashes over just like, you know, film always does when the person holding the camera dies. (Honorable mention goes to JeruZalem, not yet reviewed, in which the camera takes off into the air instead of dropping, indicating the character has finally been turned into a winged monster like everybody else. Consistent with the lazy, dumb rules of first-person shooters, not having died, the now-monster still does not stop filming.)A related idea is “screen life” (not my term; I don’t know where it first came from), where a character’s cell phone or computer screen is shown onscreen superimposed onto the action for expository purposes, a phenomenon I’ve noticed more and more of in recent years, but which I happily haven’t seen enough movies containing that I’ve had need of the term in many reviews. Diegeticrefers to something within the narrative world of the film. A non-diegetically funny-looking actor is funny-looking in real life, to the viewer, but may not be seen as such by other other characters in the film, whereas a diagetically funny looking character is seen by the other characters funny looking but appears to you and me to be just another gorgeous actor, perhaps with the addition of some makeup prosthetic of wardrobe choice designed to signfy that they are quote-unquote “funny looking”. Diegetic sounds are heard by the characters in the film, but the background soundtrack is 99.999% of the time non-diegetic (the sole exception being the wonderful British superhero fantasy show “Extraordinary”—which I have not yet reviewed but is worth a watch—in which one character has a super-power that causes everyone around her to hear their own background music.) Fridge logicis a term I got from TV Tropes, a site I am not giving you a link to and recommend you do not visit because you will lose, at minimum, a whole day reading it. Fridge logic refers to unresolved plot holes that aren’t obvious enough to pull you out of the moviegoing experience in the moment, they just go by and don’t strike you until later. Like, you enjoy a movie, and then when it’s over you go into the kitchen to make a sandwich, and as you’re peering into the fridge, looking over what fixings you’ve got available, suddenly the thought creeps up on you: “Wait a second, if she dropped the keys in the river, then how did she get back into the house after the guy was chasing her?” Date movieprobably doesn’t need explanation. Actually can mean two things: a movie that’s engaging enough to sit through, with nothing too distractingly bad about it, but nothing that risks grabbing your attention back should you become distracted by something else.Or, a horror movie engaging enough to actually watch, but with scenes with enough genuine tension, for long enough, that anyone looking for a legitimate excuse to grab someone else’s hand will have one.I remember once asking a neighbor lady over to watch a DVD. Not yet sure what was going on, I had picked two from my collection to offer her: a really fascinating documentary, and a “date movie” horror flick. She picked the horror flick. That worked out well. I haven’t needed to use that trick again since then as I quit dating not long after that, but it hasn’t stopped me from remembering it, and noting when a movie fits the bill. GorgeousCertain shows and movies are inexplicably set in a world where everybody looks like a model. Even though it’s glaringly obvious, nobody in the show or movie ever comments on this, it’s non-diegetic. CanadianYou will often see me call out that a film or show is Canadian. This is because, I don’t know why, but (well known comedy successes aside) Canada has a strange track record of cranking out small, effective, low-budget but above-average films, particularly horror movies. They’re not always the best movie you’re going to see, but they often have some redeeming value that elevates them above the crowd… Canadian productions like Pontypool, Pyewacket, Haunter, or fantasy/sci-fi TV shows like Man Seeking Woman or Dead Like Me, Reaper, or, longer ago, Mutant X, or even Being Erica (none of the last four of have I reviewed, sorry, and at least the first few of which stand stand as at least extremely memorable), even when they were kind of second-stringers, still all had a certain charm, somehow, that made them a cut above. Captivity/Pursuit flickWhen you’ve watched as many horror movies as I have, you’ve seen a million of these. Everything that falls on the cinematic spectrum between, at one extreme, movies that consist entirely of someone being held captive, to, at the other, movies that consist entirely of someone running from captors. Lance Henriksen (“The Kupietz-Henriksen Conjecture”)Through many years of being a consumer and observer of horror movie fare, I have discovered a seemingly heretofore unbroken rule: in any horror movie in which Lance Henriksen is cast, in which characters die, Henriksen’s character is inevitably the last to die before the remaining characters survive to make their escape (or the movie otherwise ends without definitively showing their fate.) I have summarized this in a rule which I have immodestly titled “The Kupietz-Henriksen Conjecture”:“The key to surviving a horror movie scenario is to outlive Lance Henriksen.”Quite simply, if you ever find yourself in a horror movie-type scenario, and Lance Henriksen happens to be there, then, if he dies and you haven’t yet, you’re in the clear. Congratulations, just go ahead and just stroll out of there, you’re one of the survivors.Corollary to this is “The Kupietz-Henriksen Razor”, which states: “If Lance Henriksen’s character is not the last to die in a movie he is in, then it is not a horror movie.”For instance, by the Kupietz-Henriksen Razor, we see that “Alien vs Predator”, in which Henriksen’s character is not the last to die, and “Aliens”, in which Henriksen’s character survives until the end, are not horror movies, while “Swarm” and “Mom and Dad”, both of which Henriksen’s character is the last to die in, may be horror movies (and, in fact, they are; but, no counterassertion is made that it is not possible for Hendricksen’s character to be the last to die in a movie unless it is a horror movie. The Kupietz-Henriksen Razor can only be used to conclude whether or not something is not a horror movie—not whether it is. For example, in “The Garden”, Henriksen’s character is in fact the last to die, and “The Garden” even deals in common horror tropes like the devil personified and at work in the world, but, it is, nonetheless, not a horror movie. Rather, it’s a supernatural drama, as the narrative relies exclusively on creating dramatic tension, not on terror or fright in any way. Q.E.D.)Anyway, I have so far found these rules to be inviolate, and I often comment on Hendrikson’s presence in a movie, in the context of these ideas. Because, MovieSometimes things happen in a movie only because without them, there’d be no movie. Like, “The killer builds a carnival attraction to capture and kill people, because, movie.” Also, some reviews have been tagged with emojis to set them apart:🧡 Favorites: some of my all-time favorite movies. Some unabashedly great movies, some that just sit incredibly well with me due to personal tastes others may not share, but all loved by me. Ones I’ve watched multiple times, and always enjoy the rewatch as much as ever.👍 Honorable mention: Perhaps not among my very absolute favorites, but films I especially like, that stand out from the pack very well. All films I’d watch more than once, and probably enjoy as much the second or more time through.🤔 “Je nais se quois” / Flawed gems: films that have a certain special something unique, memorable, or interesting that slightly sets them apart from the pack and makes me regard them with a certain fondness. Sometimes they’re especially favorite to me, or sometimes, they’re not quite good enough to recommend unqualifiedly, and a few of them are even straight-up just bad movies—but which have a little something that somehow manages to keep me engaged despite their failings. They always have *something* just a little different that I like.📺 Watchable enough: Movies I found entirely watchable. Not quite special, far from great, maybe not even worth recommending going out of your way for, but still, not bad, watchable enough to be worth it if you run across them and have nothing else to do.💩 Bad but I liked it: Ok. These movies are bad. Don’t watch one of these and then complain to me that I recommended a bad movie to you. Yes. They’re bad. But: on very rare occasions, even a bad movie has something about it I find entertaining, and I enjoyed watching it, even though I was fully aware that it was an absolute crapfest and not in any way defensible as a recommendation for a movie to watch. That’s these. Occasionally this is paired with the “je nais sae quois” symbol, to indicate movies I just can’t recommend, but which had a little extra to make it slightly more than just “it’s bad but I liked it”. 💤 Way Too Indie: Generally, low-budget amateurish movies that, in lieu of being well-made, want badly to be “interesting”, and aren’t, at all.🗑 Trash: don’t bother. Movies so bad it’s hard to believe they were even trying to make a good movie. Mostly just reviewed so if I run across it again I know not to watch it. (Note, seeing as how I watch a lot of horror movies, a lot of them are trash. There ‘s a lot of bad horror movies out there.) I’ll be tagging particularly bad ones as I run across them, but it’ll be a while before they’re all tagged… don’t assume that lack of a 🗑 means the film isn’t trash. It still might be.And now the reviews. First off, let’s call out notable favorites & honorable mentions so you don’t have to hunt for the good ones: Mike’s Favorites & Honorable Mentions Favorites A (1 review)Atlanta [tv series] 🧡 (121 words) What can I say about Atlanta that hasn't been said? This show started good and only got better. An incredibly well-acted, often poetic, well-written depiction of life of an up-and-coming rapper and his crew. Lots of very realistic, three-dimensional character study, peppered with frequent surrealism and deadpan comedy, unusual takes on race issues not often seen in mainstream media, an absolute refusal to be bound by TV or genre conventions, and occasional usually-successful experimental episodes that depart partially or entirely from the main characters and plot of the series. In my mind, one of the consistently best TV series ever made. When a new season comes out, I actually save this one until I'm ready to sit and take it in. B (3 reviews)The Babadook 🧡 (229 words) Oh, my beloved "The Babadook". It could so not work, but it really does. So well-directed. A genuinely scary movie. Mother and young son deal with the pain of losing dad, and a monster which may or may not be the manifestation of that loss.I consider this one a classic, full stop.I've had friends say they found it disappointing. And I can understand that, I suppose, considering how some viewers may have grown used to being spoonfed by modern horror. This film has actual plot and character development that you have to sit through. A lot of this film's runtime is just the psychological dynamics of a deteriorating mother/son relationship (and possibly also the deteriorating mental health of one or both) with the scenes of traditional scares only coming as brief emotional punctuation marks.Consider, on the other hand, that this also has a 98% critics' approval rating on "Rotten Tomatoes". And William Friedkin, director of "The Exorcist", after seeing it, updated his Twitter profile to read, "Psycho, Alien, Diabolique, and now THE BABADOOK" and called it "the scariest movie I've ever seen." A number of critics called it not just the best horror film of its year or decade, but one of the best films of any genre.So, it's not for everyone. But it's very much for a lot of people. I'm one of them. Breaking The Waves 🧡 (538 words) My favorite film by my favorite director.Wait, ok. A little virtue-signalling never hurt anyone, so I'll point out: From everything I've read and seen, director Lars von Trier seems to me like kind of a disturbed or unbalanced individual, very likely a misogynist, misanthrope, almost definitely a narcissist, and probably personally an all-around malignant asshole. And also, I think, easily the most talented filmmaker of the last few decades. Not since Herzog or Tarkovsky have I seen someone who just struck me as so adept in the language of filmmaking, such a natural talent.Breaking The Waves is a straight drama. Set on a remote Scottish island, where an American there working on an oil right has fallen in love with a local, who is a member of the island's ultra-religious church. They marry, when he is injured in an explosion on the rig, and their relationship takes some vintage LvT perverse turns on his way back to health.The movie is as perverse and disturbing in some ways, and in the same ways, as many of LvT's movies have been accurately criticized for. Several leading actresses, including Helena Bonham Carter who was apparently fine playing the lead in "Fight Club", turned down the female lead because they were uncomfortable with the character's sexual behavior. The actress who eventually got the role, Emily Watson, who went on to become a highly respected actress, was expelled from her college when the film came out for participating in what they considered depravity.I've tried a few times to tell friends about the details this movie, but it's hard to do justice to it, and relating the plot alone, without seeing it unfold yourself under LvT's control, doesn't capture it.It is a sick, beautiful, touching, beautiful, disturbing, beautiful movie. It has a million tiny moments of directorial brilliance. It has an ending that still gives me chills down my spine when I think of it.It's worth pointing out that LvT's magnum opus, according to some people (including me), is "Antichrist", a truly horrible movie that completely divorces the idea of great filmmaking from any sort of entertainment value. I can honestly say it's a great film, certainly far and away the best movie I would never, ever suggest anybody watch. And it makes a certain amount of sense he eventually got to that from this.He also made "The House That Jack Built", which seemed like a deliberate attempt to quickly drive his critics out of the movie theater in disgust, before then rewarding everyone sick, foolish, or optimistic enough to stay. Again: LvT seems like kind of an asshole.But despite some very strong and occasionally unpleasant moments, there's more than enough beauty here to make "Breaking The Waves" an exceptionally great movie.For what it's worth, since it may sound like it's difficult to praise unambiguously, it did win the Grand Prize at Cannes, "Best Actress" nominations for Emily Watson from BAFTA and the Oscars, and took Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress, and Best Cinematographer from the National Society of Film Critics that year, as well as Best Director, Best Actress, and Best Cinematographer from the NY Film Critics Circle. It's a really well-made movie. Brockmire [tv series] 🧡 (159 words) I always knew someday Hank Azaria was going to do something I was going to love. I waited and waited and it didn't happen, until "Brockmire". Absolutely a favorite show of mine, following the ups and downs of Azaria as a down-on-his-luck alcoholic baseball announcer. Everyone I've recommended it to has loved it too. Seriously, all you have to do is watch the first episode, and if you don't love it by the end of that first half hour, you can skip it. I actually had one friend call me before the first episode was even over to rave about how much he loved it. It's that good. Trigger warning: It does get a pretty dark in the second season, he hits some pretty low depths. Still, a bona fide gem, one of the funniest shows I've ever seen, and I will never understand why you never hear anybody mention it right alongside the best shows of all time. D (1 review)The Descent 🧡 (117 words) If you're reading this list and haven't seen "The Descent", just go see it. A classic in my book. A bunch of women on a caving expedition when things get scary. Not a classic horror story, but a classic horror film and, I think, a rewarding movie-viewing experience. Very well-made by a director who understood that horror movies should be movies first and horror second. It does eventually lean a little more towards action/adventure/survival than towards plot/storytelling, which is often not my preference, but this is well-done enough to rise above my usual complaints about the category. (UPDATE: I have heard from some friends that they don't like this movie. I don't understand that.) E (2 reviews)The Endless 🧡 (234 words) Oh my god, it's a genuinely good indie movie.This slow-to-start but original and ultimately entertaining mindfuck is a slow-burn, low-key gem in the same way as (and bearing some superficial similarities to, in terms of setting and tone, and how gradually and realistically it brings on the total weirdness) Yellowbrickroad, another rare zero-budget favorite of mine.The Rotten Tomatoes summary probably summarizes it better than I could: "Two brothers receive a cryptic video message inspiring them to revisit the UFO death cult they escaped a decade earlier. Hoping to find the closure that they couldn't as young men, they're forced to reconsider the cult's beliefs when confronted with unexplainable phenomena surrounding the camp. As the members prepare for the coming of a mysterious event, the brothers race to unravel the seemingly impossible truth before their lives become permanently entangled with the cult."That is about the best it could be explained without spoilers, except to say there's some hefty surrealism tucked away in the corners, and a metaphysical plateful of temporal spaghetti.It's also notable for being one of the very few movies I've ever immediately rewound (ok, clicked 'play' again) the minute it ended, and immediately re-watched in its entirety a second time almost from the beginning, just to look for the details I missed. (N.B. the only other time I can recall doing that is the Coen Brothers' "Barton Fink".)Ex Machina 🧡 (154 words) I adore this movie. Well done, old-school humanist, character-driven sci fi. There's like three characters in the whole movie, a lot of talk and very little action, qualities some other quiet "thrillers" I'm particularly fond of (such as The Vast Of Night and The Invitation) share, when they're well-made enough to carry it along on that.In this, a programmer wins a chance to spend a few days with the reclusive head of his company in his isolated retreat, where it turns out he has built an artificial (and, in some lovely FX work, visually clearly robotic, except for the face) woman. The programmer has been called there to interact with her and determine whether he feels she is genuinely conscious and intelligent. That short synopsis doesn't really do it justice, but to say more would be to rob anyone reading of the experience of going into this cold and letting the story unfold. H (1 review)The Hamiltons 🧡 (326 words) A personal favorite. I'm really surprised by the low audience score for this film. It's definitely not your usual horror movie, and if you're in it for scares, gore, or action (of which there is little, little, and almost none, respectively), you're going to be disappointed. This ain't "Saw". It's just as much a coming-of-age family drama as it is a horror film, and it's got as much heart as an afterschool special. In theory, that could go either way, but in this case, it's so well put-together, and ticks along so smoothly, that it adds up to as very satisfying and rather unique, if homespun and small-scale, film. It doesn't aspire to be more than it is, it just tells a good and original story with near-complete economy and a skill that belies its overall amateurish production values. If a horror classic such as "The Shining" is a banquet, then "The Hamiltons" is a deli sandwich— but the kind of satisfying, delicious deli sandwich that keeps you full all day, the kind you walk away from thinking, "Wow, that guy really knows how to make a sandwich." There's a reason the scant few professional reviews describe it as "satisfying" and a "gem". It has a few truly original narrative twists to it and manages to completely avoid genre cliches, except to subsequently turn them on their heads. It unfurls essential story details slowly and deliberately over the entire course of the film, without ever giving away any more of what's to come than essential to the plot, or useful to provide some subtle entertainment to those noticing the clever foreshadowing on 2nd or 3rd viewing. By the end of the movie, all loose ends are tied up logically and realistically, and it really doesn't have a single plot hole. How many other horror movies can you say any of these things about? I've watched this a handful of times now, and I always enjoy it. I (1 review)Insidious 🧡 (118 words) One of my favorite horror movies. Just very well-directed. Actually scared me at points. I will say no more.EDIT: I will say more. This was directed by James Wan, who I later discovered, just plain has a talent for elevating his supernatural tales by seeding them liberally with just great, memorable individual horror scenes. This movie definitely has it's silly aspects, but even his far worse movies have individual scenes that are so well done they make the picture worth watching. The man just knows how to direct a horror movie, not a modern gorefest or jump-out-and-say-boo teen scream, but legitimate horror cinema in the tradition of the classics. And here he's at his best at that. L (4 reviews)The Larry Sanders Show [tv series] 🧡 (254 words) Originally aired in the '90s, this might be my favorite comedy series of all time, and close to my favorite TV show of any kind, ever. Garry Shandling is a funny guy—"It's Garry Shandling's Show" was cute and very entertaining, but I think he's generally regarded as a second-stringer of his era behind guys like Seinfeld, and doesn't get the credit he deserves for his excellent writing and work behind the scenes in a lot of things. (For instance, ending Judd Apatow's "The 40 Year Old Virgin" with an absurd musical number was Shandling's idea.) "The Larry Sanders Show" was his crowning achievement, and to me one of televised entertainments's crowning achievements, full stop. An amazing show-within-a-show focusing on the production of a talk show hosted by a fragile, selfish narcissist (Shandling playing completely against type), his craven and insecure cohost (played in another stellar turn by the doesn't-seem-like-an-actor-who-has-star-turns Jeffrey Tambor), their gregarious but mean-when-drunk veteran TV exec producer played with absolute comic genius by Rip Torn, and a host of other faces who are still around (Janeane Garofalo, Jeremy Piven, Wallace Langham, Mary Lynn Rajskub) as the beleaguered writers and office staff supporting them, plus a bunch of celebrity cameos who are more than happy to play embarrassing versions of themselves (a la "Extras", another great tv-behind-the-scenes series.) I think this show ran for six seasons and was incredibly smart and funny the whole way through. An absolute must-watch, to me outstanding even among must-watch shows. Just unbelievably inventive and painfully funny.The Last Man On Earth (1964 movie) 🧡 (420 words) I can't say this obscure 1964 Vincent Price is a truly great movie but it will always have a very special place in my heart. Unlike some of my most esteemed favorites, I wouldn't say it's can't-miss, but at one point Price himself said this was his favorite of all his movies, and George Romero openly cited it as the direct inspiration for founding father of the zombie genre "Night Of The Living Dead" (bet you didn't know there was a "founding grandfather" movie of that genre. "The Last Man On Earth" made it all possible.)This was based loosely on the 1954 novel "I Am Legend" by Richard Matheson. That's the same "I Am Legend" that "The Omega Man" and Will Smith's much later action movie were based on. (This is worth a side note here: Matheson's is a name anyone with more than a passing similarity to my taste in movies & TV should be very well acquainted with, and if not, he certainly either wrote or directly inspired many things you're familiar with: he also wrote "The Incredible Shrinking Man", a dozen episodes of The Twilight Zone including "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet", the Star Trek episode "The Enemy Within", Steven Speilberg's first feature "Duel", the pilot of "Kolchak The Night Stalker", a slew of '60s Hammer and Roger Corman horror films, novels that were later adapted into "What Dreams May Come" and "Stir of Echoes"... the list is long, and besides being a chief inspiration for George Romero, he's also credited as such by Stephen King, and believed by Roger Ebert to be the spiritual father of later realist horror like "Rosemary's Baby" and "The Exorcist". Matheson was extremely influential. End of digression.)Price plays a scientist holed up in a house trying to survive while the rest of the world has been transformed by a viral plague into a bumbling, bloodthirsty vampiric creatures, sort of a combination of vampires and zombies. Yes, nowadays that setup is hackneyed, but remember: this came out in 1964. Now you know where every other one of those movies got the idea from.Part of the charm here, besides seeing these very familiar tropes when they were new, is that Price turns in about the best performance of his career here. He certainly hammed it up from time to time over the years, but he could act, and in this one, he plays it straight.If you're a film buff, especially of horror or sci fi, you need to at least know this one.Let The Right One In (2008 Swedish film) 🧡 (261 words) I consider this film about a young boy who forms a friendship with centuries-old vampire who looks like a 12-year-old girl to be maybe one of the top 10 horror movies ever. This is one of those films like The Exorcist, The Omen, or The Shining where a talented director took on supernatural material, and made, not just a great horror movie, but a great movie, along the way telling a brand new story about familiar monsters without relying on cliche. (It may also be that three of the four movies mentioned were based on acclaimed novels.)It was originally recommended that I watch this with the original swedish soundtrack and English subtitles, and not use the terrible English audio overdubbing job, and though I don't like subtitled movies in this case it proved to be good advice.Two years later the novel was remade for American audience and titled "Let Me In", starring Chloe Grace Moretz, and it might be one of the few times her presence has ever made a movie worse. It just doesn't work to have a famous familiar face for the vampire in this movie. The Swedish version greatly benefits from the cast of extremely talented but unfamiliar actors. Other than that, the American version is still pretty good, as the source material is so good and it sticks close to it. But I think if you're going to watch either movie instead of reading the novel, just go straight to the Swedish original. It's really the one.Apparently there's an American TV series now too. Ugh. Long Weekend/Nature's Grave 🧡 (258 words) Here we have a rare beast: for Long Weekend, both the 1978 original and the 2008 remake starring Jim Cavaziel (distributed in America with the title "Nature's Grave") are both worth seeing. They're good in different ways. I might prefer the original but thanks to capable horror direction the remake has some memorably chilling moments.Anyway, the story is the same in both: a crass suburban couple goes camping on a remote beach in Australia, and things just go wrong. To say more would spoil it. A big favorite of mine and a pretty one-of-a-kind film, in both versions.I've since gotten the sense that the 1978 original of this isn't revered as a minor classic, but I'm not sure why. We live in a world where everybody has heard of "Last House On The Left" and "I Spit On Your Grave", both of which came out in the same general time as "Long Weekend", and those films are both garbage, nowhere near as good. Not even in the same class.I went back and forth whether to mark this review as "favorite" or "honorable mention" because, unlike, say, "Network", both versions are far from undisputable, must-see cinematic masterpieces. But both of them, in their own ways, at very least hold up all the way through, and at their best have some extremely memorable and unique moments that I consider standout classic horror. I think my love of them has more to do with my particular tastes than anything else. But, ultimately, yes, in both versions, it's a favorite of mine. M (1 review)Man Seeking Woman [tv show] 🧡 (100 words) I loved this show.Jay Baruchel, Eric Andre, and the ridiculously likable Britt Lower in a magical-realist take on dating. If you've ever gone to a party and discovered your recent ex is there with her new boyfriend, and, he's literally Adolph Hitler, and, everyone at the party likes him more than you... then you should be able to relate to this.It had all the monsters and magic of dating made literal, and, played them with a completely straight face. It was three seasons of deadpan humor, mixed with surreal, sci-fi, and fantasy elements. And I enjoyed it immensely. N (2 reviews)Nathan For You [tv show] 🧡 (464 words) A huge favorite of mine. Nathan Fielder is a "business expert" who comes up with hilarious, incredibly ludicrous, far-fetched ideas to save struggling businesses in this unscripted, quasi-"reality" show.Just one example off the top of my head: a struggling appliance store is being run out of business by a nearby major chain store. When the chain store advertises that they'll match any advertised price, Fielder advises the appliance store owner to start advertising a certain TV for $1. Then, he'll send people over to buy out that TV from the chain store for $1, and when they're out of stock, his client can raise the price again and resell them in his own store for full price, a 100% profit.In the kind of complication the show specialized in, somebody noticed that if he advertised the TV for $1, someone might come in and try to buy it for $1. But Fielder has a plan. When people show up looking for the advertised special, he throws numerous obstacles in their way, including pointing to a sign that the store put up that they now have a dress code, and formalwear is required to enter.Then when one person comes back later dressed in a tuxedo and demands to buy the TV, Fielder tells him, sure, it's right in our special room in the back, and leads him to a back wall... with a tiny, one-foot door in it. He tells the man, "that's the premium TV section, they're expensive so we keep them in a special room."The man gets down and squeezes through the door......and then we see inside, as the man stands up: he's in one room, and then there's some kind of glassed-in middle room he has to walk through, and then, on the other side of the middle room, there's the room with the $1 TV.And, in the middle room, is a live alligator.So the man gives up and leaves. And as he sees him out of the store, Nathan innocently asks him, "So... you don't want to buy the TV?" And says to him, "I feel bad, too, you know. That's $1 of profit we're not getting."Meanwhile, as this is all going on, there's a second ridiculous subplot of Fielder trying to hire people to go buy TVs for $1 from the chain store.All this is pretty par for the course for this show, things regularly got that goofily complicated or occasionally much moreso. It was really funny, and consistent. Not just once, but several times during the show's run, stunts Fielder set up for episodes in production went viral on the internet or even in the news media by themselves, before the episodes aired, with nobody realizing until later on that they were staged for a comedy TV show.Network 🧡 (638 words) This is my favorite movie, full stop.I love this movie so much, am so close to it, I don't know what to say. It's like trying to write a summary of a beloved life-long friend.This movie about the intersection of power, economics, and media, explored through a tale about the mental breakdown of a news anchor and the paradox of his resulting rise in ratings. It predicted, in 1976, so many things that we didn't see in reality until much later: the forces of economic globalization, the rise of "reality television", the commercial subversion of TV news (still, it may be hard to remember now, valued as a source of objective information at the time) from a reporting concern into a driver of profits and propaganda outlet—and takes them all to a ridiculous extreme, plus, casts a woman in the role of a cutthroat executive, something my mom reported she first began to see in the workplace in the 1980s.It says something that, while few remember this movie nowadays, many still remember the tagline from the protagonist's first major act of on-the-job defiance: "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!" If this movie wasn't when the idealism of the '60s finally breathed its last and yielded the floor to a deep and distressed cynicism, it sure was a touchstone. This movie was to today's hyper-commercial, bottom-line-driven media what "A Clockwork Orange" was to violence: it laid them bare, even exaggerated them to a cartoonish degree—remarkable because in 1976, today's hyper-commercial, bottom-line-driven media corporations didn't really exist yet. But this movie read the tea leaves and saw what was coming.Along the way it looks, courtesy some of the best-written dialogue in all of cinema by an uncredited Paddy Chayefsky, at the effects on the souls of the people ushering those changes along, represented by the May-December relationship between William Holden and Faye Dunaway's characters, presented respectively as members of the old guard and the ruthless new breed of television executives whose allegiance is to a heartless corporatism more concerned with ratings than with love, then with human life. Pretty strong stuff for 1976, and still strong today.Also deserving of mention is the stunning cameo by Ned Beatty as the network head who may be manipulating the protagonist's deteriorating mental state, or may actually believe what he's saying, as he closes the curtains to rant in a darkened boardroom with the fervor of religious fundamentalist, calling nations and ideologies obsolete, describing globalized commerce as a fundamental force of nature governing man's existence "since he crawled out of the much", and outright comparing business to God, with—and remember, he's shouting this at a deranged news anchor—television as its prophet. Again: 1976. Incredible.For a guy like me, with an appreciation for both social commentary and absurdism, a healthy dash of cynical humor, a strong love of a story that moves along on well-written dialogue, and a (in the aesthetic sense) Decadent's fascination with how things fall apart, it would be tough to imagine a movie more tailor-made for my enjoyment.My brother-in-law, generally a right-on guy but perhaps at 3 or 4 years younger just on the other side of a generational divide I'm at the very tail end of coming before*, told me he just couldn't get into this movie, because the entire style of it seemed very dated to him. I've rarely been so disappointed.(*My adolescence came at an unusual time culturally—to use that as the most obvious marker for the cultural shift of the early '80s, I think there's a big formative difference between having been in 9th grade when MTV came out, and having been in 5th or 6th grade at that time. But that's a topic for a whole other section of this website.) O (1 review)Open Water 🧡 (88 words) I will always love this movie. Most people hate it. Almost no plot: Annoying yuppie couple get accidentally left behind out on the open ocean while on a scuba diving excursion, float in shark-infested waters for a few days. And that's it. That's all that happens. In my opinion, expertly made—it's about mood, not story, and the cinematography and amazing soundtrack, a compilation of indigenous folk music from cultures around the world, carry it for me. Most people probably think it's boring. I will always re-watch it. P (1 review)Pontypool 🧡 (75 words) Kind of a personal favorite, despite how much of a stretch it is at points. Another one of those small, unique, strangely good films Canadians seem so good at. DJs stuck inside a radio station as society goes insane en masse outside. Some novel ideas, but does require a bit of suspension of belief at points — but in this case it's forgivable. I've heard a few other people say they particularly like this one, too. R (1 review)Reservation Dogs [tv series] 🧡 (79 words) A personal favorite. How are more people not talking about this? Sensitive, well-written, and dryly absurd magical realist character study of the lives of a couple of kids and the people they know on an Oklahoma Indian reservation. Ordinary and extremely believable comings and goings of life on the rez are interspersed with visits from the cloven-hoofed Deer Lady or visions of awkwardly stereotypical Hollywood Indian spirit guides giving advice between war whoops. I love, love, love this show. S (1 review)Snowpiercer 🧡 (29 words) Humanity's survivors speed around a frozen globe in a train, get lost in class warfare and survival issues. Distinctive, quality, underrated, memorable sci-fi. An instant classic in my book. T (3 reviews)Tales From The Loop [tv series] 🧡 (78 words) Holy cow. Up there with the best of"Black Mirror"-quality writing, but less like the Twilight Zone and more like finding a trove of lost Ray Bradbury stories... Small-town life above a mysterious underground research facility. Old folks gather in barns and play fiddle beneath strange technological ruins. Kids wander through the autumn woods and find derelict robots and mysterious artifacts. The stories are humanist and character-driven, not technology-driven, and as well-written as any sci-fi I've seen.Touching The Void 🧡 (448 words) What can I say about "Touching The Void"? I'm a sucker for a good survival story, and "Touching The Void" is one of the best of them. It's a true story, the film interspersing dramatizations of real events with interviews with the actual survivors, which is a tactic I ordinarily don't like very much but here is applied to such an incredible true tale that I have no problem with it.Two mountaineers are climbing in the remote Andes, thirteen miles over rough glacial moraine from their remote base camp, when a storm sets in. Tethered together by a rope, one slips, and dangles over a sheer cliff, suspended hundreds of feet in the air. The other climber, unable to gain secure enough footing to pull him back up, is instead slowly being pulled down towards the edge by the weight. Knowing that if he goes over they will both plunge into the chasm, he makes the tough decision and cuts the rope, letting the dangling climber fall to his death. Once the storm abates, he descends the mountain and hikes back to base camp alone.What he doesn't know is that the climber he cut loose, presumably to fall to his death, upon hitting the ground, broke through what was not ground at all but just a thin crust of ice over a deep crevasse. He awoke on a small ice ledge deep in the crevasse, halfway up the wall, far from both the top and the bottom, with both his legs shattered.This tells the story of how, on his own, he escaped the crevasse, made the difficult descent and 13 mile hike over glacial morraine from the mountain on two broken legs, to finally make it to back to base camp and then back to civilization, and survive to tell the whole tale in his own words in this movie. Not to mention the details of what happens when the haggard figure of a man who everyone thinks was recently killed appears in a remote mountain camp in the middle of the night, which is a story all by itself.If that's your cup of tea, this movie is the good stuff. It's an incredible story.By the way, the man who miraculously made it through the ordeal alive said at the time, and has ever since, that is climbing partner's decision to cut his rope was the right choice in a survival situation. There was never any blame between them. In that moment the only available choice was between letting a man die, or both of them dying. And, as it worked out, by an incredible combination of fate and determination, neither of them did. Triangle 🧡 (276 words) Melissa George stars in a pretty original, intense and well-done fantasy/speculative fiction thriller that tackles some familiar themes with enough original twists, turns, and surprises to be consistently entertaining despite some occasional obvious logical flaws, and, to leave the viewer with things to think about.I don't know if it's for everyone, but to me, this is an movie that starts ok, and just gets better and better and better over its runtime, finally tying things up in the kind of satisfying and intelligent bow that a lot of movies that aspire to be "mind-bending" strive for but few actually succeed at. It's one of those small handful of movies I go out of my way to re-watch every so often and never regret doing so.It's hard to discuss the plot in any way without giving away spoilers, and I like this movie a little too much to do that. But I can say, I figured out the solution to the grandfather paradox after seeing this one. So now I'm totally cool with changing the past if I ever need to, which is a major load off. It's fine.BTW once you've watched the movie at least once—preferably, if you enjoyed it enough to, twice, to catch all the foreshadowing and references you missed the first time—there's a blog called "High On Films" with a thorough review and a lot of observations. I'm not going to link to it because I don't want to tempt anyone to read an explanation before they've seen the movie, but afterwards, you should google it. He even caught some details that I missed after two viewings. V (2 reviews)The Vast of Night 🧡 (138 words) Wow. One of the best indie films I've ever seen. An incredibly convincing 1950s small-town switchboard operator and radio host spend most of this film just talking, to themsleves or others, after a strange signal interrupts the radio broadcast. Also, for film geeks, this happens to contain an incredible 1/2-mile long single tracking shot, moving across town, through a high school basketball game in progress, and out to the radio station, in one uninterrupted take. Orson Welles would be proud. Plus a wonderful minimalist soundtrack. Loved it.Truthfully, might not be for everybody, I don't know how many people share my love of seriously well-done pictures but which are mostly just dialogue and little action, and I hesitated for a second to put it on my "Favorite" list only because of that. But, boy did I love it. The Voices 🧡 (302 words) Ooh, this one is SPECIAL. A *huge* personal favorite. A horror movie that plays like a comedy, this movie occupies the strange spot in my cinematic pantheon where I think most people put "The Big Lebowski" in theirs, and not just because both movies involve bowling alleys.Schizophrenic guy (played by a youngish Ryan Reynolds, who I didn't know at the time, and happily was still an actual actor and had not yet gone full-tilt into ironic Manic Pixie Dream Guy persona) hallucinates and goes off the deep end. The twist is, most of the movie is shown from his point of view, to the extent that we see his filth-strewn apartment as clean and tidy, the pink forklifts at his factory job perform ballet, his animals talk to him as a matter of course, and as his victims pile up, their severed heads remain lifelike, cheery, and friendly to him throughout, which adds to the horror when you briefly see the grim reality. (Following a single day of being on medication and unable to deal with the reality, once he's back into hallucination, one of the heads cheerily says to him, "Did you see what those pills did to me? They made me look like a jack-o-lantern!")Twisted, effective, & truly dark fun... and notable for being one of the only horror movies to end with the whole cast doing an upbeat song & dance number. Bleak comedy in the manner of "Otis". (Update: by Joe Dante. Should have known.) (Update 2: NOT by Joe Dante, I was mistaken. By Marjane Satrapi, the Iranian woman who did “Persepolis”. Apparently, for a long time this script was set to star Ben Stiller, and much as I like Ben Stiller for what he is, that would have cost the cinematic world a true gem.) Y (3 reviews)YellowBrickRoad 🧡 (194 words) This film got under my skin.It's an American Gothic about researchers trying to retrace the steps of a NH community that walked off en masse into the wilderness in the 1940s, and slowly losing their minds in the woods themselves. And that's really about it.It's a flawed gem, original, and really disturbed me, despite an unsatisfyingly, almost Lynchian-cryptic (in a bad way; think "Mulholland Drive", not "Eraserhead") ending. It has a low rating but extremely polarized reviews on IMDB, a lot of people either really hated or really loved it. I'd watch it again for sure, and years after having seen it, I can still vividly recall a lot of it, because so much of it just plain really got to me. We go to horror movies to be disturbed, and somehow this odd film disturbed me viscerally, in a way that films with a much stronger narrative seldom have.I could see it as a double-feature with Open Water... they're both kind of very effective mood pieces without much real plot, and both are movies that I could see a lot of people not liking, but which I found oddly stirring.Yellowbrickroad [second viewing] 🧡 (320 words) This is a movie that has lived on in my heart, and vividly the corners of my mind, ever since I first saw it—so much so that I had a little bit of trepidation about watching it again. Would it live up to my recollections? The answer: yes, absolutely. This is one of those movies I'm not sure I'd ever recommend to anyone else, but it plucks my strings just right... made with zero budget and very little by way of plot, in terms of story this entire movie is nothing but a group of hikers losing their grip on reality. And the ending is straight-up terrible, no way around it. But the journey there, just the walk in the woods slowly going incomprehensibly wrong, not even for any reason that's ever given, I find just gripping and disturbing. Worth noting, I usually multitask when I'm watching movies, and even on this second viewing this one sucked me in and distracted me from my laptop. Possibly the most disturbing horror movie set mostly in daytime. It's really a movie about losing control, to me a much scarier thing than any monster. This is one of those movies that, while nobody will ever call it a masterpiece—make no mistake, it's a low-budget indie flick from start to finish—but I find (and a lot of reviewers seem to agree with me) something about it is very affecting; it sticks in your mind. It's a quietly-building grotesquerie. I bet Lars von Trier likes it, or would. And I'm reminded of Roger Ebert's review of von Trier's "Antichrist", which essentially says, "I can't say I liked it; but I can't stop thinking about it." This one is the low-budget indie version of that. (EDIT: Googling around, I found this page of extremely polarized comments on Reddit that sum it up nicely: https://www.reddit.com/r/horror/comments/xq7okl/yellowbrickroad/ )Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell [tv series] 🧡 (83 words) Ok, I love this show. I think this is a comedy central thing, they're like 10 or 15 minute videos, but they present a version of hell as a cubicle farm where the vending machines never work, the break room is a small box full of whirring blades, and the boss literally tears you a new asshole ("Where's yours? Mine's in my armpit. I'd show you, but it's got the runs right now.") So ridiculous and weird that I could not possibly do it justice. 2 (1 review)28 Days Later 🧡 (27 words) You've read this far into this list, and you haven't seen 28 Days Later? Are you kidding me? Stop reading and go watch it. Now. (Avoid the sequels.) 3 (1 review)30 Days Of Night 🧡 (70 words) Strong action/horror/thriller that got inexplicably mixed reviews. A classic, in my book. Roger Ebert called this movie "better than it needed to be" and he's right about that. Northernmost town in Alaska is besieged by creatures of the night during the 30 days that the sun doesn't rise. I always watch this one when it pops back up. Stars Melissa George, who always seems to appear in good movies.Honorable Mentions B (4 reviews)Bad Hair 👍 (242 words) Wow. This ludicrous horror spoof, set in 1989, about a young black woman attempting to climb the ladder in the music video industry just as white kids are once again starting to spend money on R&B, starts off as a pretty hip social satire on selling out and the commodification of race, in which the cultural evil of needing to get a weave to have "good hair" is transformed into the supernatural evil of having to feed it fresh blood to keep it. Eventually it settles down into an action/horror satire, and actually remains pretty entertaining throughout, considering the silliness of the basic material and how straight-faced they play it. Along the way it touches on racial tensions inside of black society, and probably ultimately could have had a lot more to say. But what it said, it said well, and it was kind of nice to see a movie with so many realistic three-dimensional depictions of black women, who comprise a good part of the cast, without seeming preachy or contrived—just kind of telling a story from a cultural point of view you hear about but don't see firsthand very often. I liked it, it was worth a watch, even after it strayed too far into Buffy-style wink-and-a-nod over-the-top "horror" tropes. (Note: turns out to be from the same guy who made "Dear White People", another film that dealt with race issues in a way that I really liked.)Baskets [tv series] 👍 (50 words) A somehow undiscovered drama/comedy gem with Zach Galifianakis playing both an emotionally complicated rodeo clown and his straight-laced twin brother, with Louie Anderson playing their mother.This was Zach Galifianakis's moment, and nobody knows about it. And I say that pretty much already generally liking everything else he's done.Better Things [tv series] 👍 (34 words) Pamela Adlon out-"Louie"s Louie in this slice-of-life series about three generations of foul-mouthed women trying to get by. A charming, realistic, funny, undiscovered gem. Deserved its five-season run and never got old.The Breed 👍 (165 words) The descriptive blurb they use, "A group of five college kids are forced to match wits with unwelcoming residents when they fly to a 'deserted' island for a party weekend" is accurate, but doesn't quite give away what the movie is actually about.Ok, this is TV-movie quality, but it's 1970s TV-movie quality, back when they occasionally made TV movies that could stick with you, and while nothing spectacular, it's also nothing I've quite seen before, outside of those '70s "nature has it in for man" sci-fi/horror flicks (Bug, Food Of The Gods, etc.)To say more would spoil it. I thought it was fun. It's not a cheezy monster movie, but somehow it might do if you're in a cheesy monster movie mood.Apparently it scored a 15% on rotten tomatoes, which, ok, I mean, yeah, I get it, it's not by any means scary, and not even really very good by most movie standards. But come on, where's people's sense of fun? C (4 reviews)The Cabin In The Woods 👍 (222 words) Leave it to Joss Whedon to take a horror movie, with the standard tropes, in a direction nobody ever has before. Ultimately it's a Joss Whedon movie first, ie a fantasy like everything he does, and a horror movie second. Fun and deserves its status as a classic. (Except for the Sigourney Weaver cameo, which totally breaks suspension of disbelief, because the movie is, like, 80% over, and suddenly you're like, "Hey, that's Sigourney Weaver.") The attention to detail in this movie is unparalleled, there's a lot here for pop culture geeks to scrutinize at extreme length, and if you type the movie's name into a search engine, you'll find they have.Also, I believe, it has the most monsters in it of any movie: in one of many examples of aforementioned geekery, Screen Rant has listed 81 of them. Not to be outgeeked, the Cabin In The Woods Wiki lists over 90 of them (of which, to be fair, 5 are only seen in outtake footage or referred to in production materials) plus a few dozen more mentioned in the novelization and other official related media.Not one of my favorite favorite films, but I definitely enjoy it a lot, have rewatched it multiple times without it losing any of its charm, and expect to continue doing so. The very definition of an honorable mention.Coherence 👍 (73 words) Interesting sci-fi entry about a dinner party suddenly caught in a vortex of parallel universes. It's so embarrassing when you can't tell if your dinner guests are still the same people from your own dimension that you invited.Low-key but thought-provoking enough to be a fun view. Nobody will ever call this a great movie, but the story is pretty different, and it's kind of a low-key personal favorite of mine, for sure.Come Out And Play 👍 (309 words) Hey, look! It's a good old-fashioned horror movie!If this had come out in the 70s, it'd be a minor classic. It even has the old-school analog synth soundtrack. Vacationing couple gets stuck in an island in Mexico where it turns out, the night just before they arrived, all the kids suddenly woke up in the middle of the night and killed all the adults.It's kind of the opposite of "Mom & Dad", or "The Birds" but with children instead of birds. In fact, I'd be surprised if "The Birds" wasn't a conscious influence. But the nice thing is, that's as close as it gets to cliches, excepting the title. Very far from a Hollywood horror movie, that's for sure.Light on gore in terms of screentime devoted to it, but extremely gory in the few brief moments it's shown. Not great by a long stretch, but good, in a way that they don't really make horror movies anymore... definitely only for horror fans, though. Gets pretty brutal by the end, seriously doesn't pull its punches, which, when you consider the bad guys are a bunch of children, is even more brutal. Probably deserves to be on my "honorable mention" list, although of my "honorable mention" films, I could see this being one of the least popular ones.Looks like the kids probably had a mess of fun making it, too.Amusingly, Wikipedia says this film made a total of about $2500 in theaters. Also, turns out, it's an almost shot-for-shot remake of a 1976 Spanish horror film called "Who Can Kill a Child?" which, really, would be a much better title for what it is. It's funny, because something about it reminded me of Long Weekend, another unjustly underappreciated '70s also-ran horror film which I got turned on to by strongly liking a remake that nobody else cared for.Compliance 👍 (162 words) I like this movie. Well, "like" is a strong word, it's intense and really disturbing but appreciably well-made. Dreama Walker stars in a "based on a true story" very-slow-burn drama, sticking fairly close to the true facts, about a man who called the office of a fast food joint claiming to be law enforcement, and intimidated the manager and several other people into imprisoning, humiliating, and finally sexually abusing an innocent employee for several hours. The entire first two acts of the movie are set mostly in the one room where it happens. It's pretty disturbing and, I thought, admirably well made, considering how tough the subject matter is. Caution: if you research afterwards, as I'm often inclined to, you'll learn that the full story of the actual events is actually a little more disturbing than what was shown in the movie. The whole thing is really upsetting. But the movie is so well made it's hard not to appreciate the filmmaking. D (3 reviews)Depraved 👍 (183 words) Unfortunate title aside, this little gem is "Frankenstein" retold as a modern hipster indie film, in the best possible way, without the least bit of irony, as a brilliant medic returns from the Iraq war with the medical secret to bringing the dead back to life, partnered with the amoral scion of a pharmaceutical fortune looking to market the dream drug, if he can just find a brain for his experiment...If I had to forgot every single indie film I've ever seen except one, this might be the one to keep. A little campy, but for this story, it kinda has to be.I don't know where they found the guy who played the monster, he was perfectly cast, in what should probably be remembered as one of the great monster movie performances, if only because he does a perfect job of what so few movie monsters do, and what I understand the original novel's monster was more like: remaining completely human throughout.I dunno, this one just sat really, really well with me. I believe I will be watching it again. The Detour [tv series] 👍 (97 words) I have no idea how this comedy series isn't considered a classic. This road trip family comedy ran for 6 seasons and I'm just totally fond of it, I found it incredibly funny. Every season has a framing device of the family trying to explain their misadventures to some authority figure, and features them getting, well, detoured as they try to get from point A to point B. It's hard to know what to say about it beyond that, but—just watch an episode or two, and if you like it, it stays that funny for four seasons. Don't Breathe 👍 (227 words) Sometimes I see a flick that should have been a tedious captivity flick but they actually pull it off. This one is one of those.Gang of kids go to rob a blind guy's house, thinking it will be easy.... they're very wrong. Definitely original, with good enough casting, acting, and production to pull it off. Not great by a long shot but for one of these movies to even stand out as not being garbage is impressive. It kind of held my attention, which is incredibly rare for these kinds of exercises.I would say if you're only going to watch one pursuit/captivity flick in your life, this might be a contender.It's got 88% approval on Rotten Tomatoes, and while I might not go that far on an absolute basis, it makes some sense, and grading on a curve with most of these kinds of movies, I definitely would give it at least that. (Note: closing credits say produced by Sam Raimi. A-ha. And, holy cow, I didn't even recognize Jane Levy with her hair bleached blonde as the lead.)Giving it an honorable mention, but really only because it is about the best of its genre, even though that's kind of like being remarkable for being pretty tall for a dwarf. It's not great by a longshot—but for a captivity flick, it's outstanding. F (1 review)Forbidden Planet 👍 (232 words) Tubi very intelligently put this on on autoplay right after The Thing, and I'd somehow never seen it. Another movie that is very dated and of its time, but, I actually, watching it, assumed it must have from the early to mid '60s, not 1956. It's another one of those films that you kind of have to view through the lens of its era, but I can believe that if I had been a teenager in the 1950s and saw this when it came out, without having seen everything later that it shaped, I would have thought it was incredible. I remember not all that long ago, some kids raised on modern, studio-crafted pop saying they couldn't understand what was so great about the Beatles, and I couldn't help but think of that watching this. It certainly originated a lot of common tropes: first sci-fi film to feature faster-than-light travel, first one to use an electronic soundtrack, first one set entirely on an alien world, not to mention the use of vivid color photography years before the black-and-white era ended, and in terms of its production and many of the tropes it uses it's very easy to see the influence on later shows on up until "Star Trek" and beyond. It's hard to believe it preceded Star Trek by at least 10 years, in that sense it still seems ahead of its time. G (1 review)The Girl With All The Gifts 👍 (190 words) Note: due to a wordpress plugin glitch, this movie's title may be truncated. It's "The Girl With All The Gifts"Kind of a new take on some tired old zombie tropes. This starts off reeeeeeally dull for a while but eventually picks up nicely. It's one of those British horror films that tries to actually be a good movie rather than just going for scares, and by and large it works. It's got pretty much the first new ideas of any sort in the genre since "28 Days Later", which it builds on thematically with its infected-humans-standing-in-for-living-dead trope.If "Night Of The Living Dead" is the Beatles of zombie movies, and "28 Days Later" is the Rolling Stones, this is the Faces at their best. (And, by the way, continuing the metaphor, "Dawn Of The Dead" is Paul McCartney & Wings at their peak, and the obscure 1964 Vincent Price movie "The Last Man on Earth" is Chuck Berry.)Don't want to say too much because I don't want to ruin it. But, suffice to say: what if the standard post-apocalyptic zombie infection film is just the /beginning/ of something? This film goes there. H (2 reviews)Haunter 👍 (116 words) Not sure why this movie isn't better known. The ghost of a murdered girl, trapped in the day of her death in the 80s, learns to travel backwards and forward in time meeting other eras' residents. Donnie Darko meets The Lovely Bones meets A Nightmare On Elm Street. Enjoyable film, well done, and, especially memorable for, a freaky "futuristic" take on current real-life 2015, during a flashforward into the present-day "future" which shows no technology that doesn't actually exist today, yet, by comparison to the 1980s context of the film, all suddenly appears to the viewer to be advanced and futuristic. This should probably be a cult favorite.Another effective Canadian film. How do they do it?Howl 👍 (99 words) Captivity werewolf flick, but sort of a cut above, a little. People trapped on a derailed train in the English countryside in a new take on the werewolf tale from the creator of The Descent.As might be suggested by that last bit, good direction makes it overall slightly better than it might have been... Actually very decent for what it is, fairly well-done and original for a monster movie, I liked it.Not an A, definitely a 'B' picture, but kind of a 'B+' one. Pretty grisly, but a movie like this kind of needs to be. I (4 reviews)The Inside 👍 (579 words) [reviewed on IMDB] I just got blown away by this movie.Yes, by conventional film standards, it sucks: almost no story, no narrative arc, almost no dialog for the second half, nothing is ever explained, it's entirely full of insipid depthless characters who are either brutally loathesome (most of the men) or spend a hell of a lot of time doing nothing but wandering through a darkened building whimpering and screaming (most of the females), it spends too much time indulging itself in banal torture porn conventions without going anywhere. I don't even think many of the characters had names. It doesn't even have a trace of the pretentious art-house conventions some films stoop to in order to try to justify the obvious lack of conventional movie-making skill.And yet, I loved it. I was floored and genuinely scared watching it. I will definitely watch it again.It's barely a story, it's more just a tapestry of murky, mounting fear, presented for its own sake. In some ways, it's comparable to Fellini in its broad, expositionless, near-abstract presentation of something more wrested from the subconscious than designed to satisfy the intellect.Its focus on tone rather than narrative is reminiscent of, yes, found-footage origin The Blair Witch Project, but even moreso, of old Giallo horror films, films that reveled in the idea of fear and focused more on creepy mood than the more conventional trappings of movies as "quality" entertainment. No part of the movie is really all that dependent on any other part an any strict way, and it even abandons its "found footage" first-person perspective before it gets to the end. But even so, once it finds makes one of its several shifts and finds its footing about halfway through, abandoning what seems to be a banal brutality-as-spectacle approach and shifting to the stuff of deeper, more phantasmagoric nightmares, it becomes easily the only truly scary film I've seen in a long time. I'm not going to include spoilers, but there are moments in here as iconic and viscerally chilling as Nosferatu's long-fingernailed shadow gliding silently up a stairway wall.I was genuinely surprised to see "The Inside"'s low 3.3/10 rating on IMDB, but it makes sense. It succeeds in a much less polished, and quieter, but otherwise similarly unconventional way as Lars von Trier's "Antichrist", another film that doesn't even remotely attempt to be enjoyable as a moviegoing experience, which, like this film, deceived a lot of people into thinking it was a bad movie instead of quite the opposite.I almost gave it 9 stars. I still might. This film knows exactly what it wants to be, and it unapologetically is that and only that, to the very core. If you don't like it, the problem may not be with the film, but with you. Despite the rocky beginning, this film's ultimate odd, offputting achievement deserves to be considered a misfit classic.(Not to be confused, as I unfortunately later did, with "Inside", an abysmal 2016 captivity porn about a pregnant woman atttacked by a psycho woman inside her home, which apparently was a remake of a 2007 French horror film, which would explain why it's abysmal. I don't understand why France has consistently produced some of the best classical arts — music, poetry, literature, cinema — yet is 100% reliable in making absolutely inspid, shallow, awful horror movies. The 2007 "Inside" is vintage modern French horror—it could barely have held up as a horror short, and yet somehow it's feature-length.)In The Flesh 👍 (90 words) Holy cow. Highly original and typically British take on the zombie genre — but played as completely as a drama, not horror or action. Takes place after a cure has been found, as the first to be cured try to reintegrate into their families in a small English village. Very well done. Leave it to the BBC to find a way to bend the tropes of the zombie genre into a completely serious, adult, well-acted drama. If anything at all about that sentence sounds interesting to you, it's worth checking out.Into The Dark "I'm Just Fucking With You" 👍 💩 (135 words) Not a favorite of mine but worth an honorable mention. Pretty much nonstop fun for a uniformly bad movie, in thanks to a particularly hatable protagonist who you want to see bad things happen to, and an exceptionally good movie psycho villain (played to the hilt and against type by, I realized, the guy who plays the hunky detective in "Angie Tribeca").By any reasonable measure, this should not have worked at all, but it goes so over the top, and ticks along so well without ever really sagging, that it's actually kind of a fun romp if you don't go into it expecting to take it seriously.It's another movie that I'd never recommend to anyone, but rewatch occasionally myself just for fun. I wouldn't be surprised if it became a minor cult favorite.The Invitation 👍 (161 words) Seriously tense drama turns thriller as a new age dinner party gets weird, after old friends suddenly make contact several years after disappearing to join a cult.This is one of those movies that seems like it was originally written as a play, which is something that I always tend to like, when it's done competently. Here, it works really well, although if I have any complaint it's that the story builds emotional unease so capably and steadily, that by the time it turns from emotional to physical brutality, it almost breaks the tension. It feels very emotionally authentic as the unease builds. Fucking creepy new agers. (I do have mixed feelings about transplanting the "no cellphone reception out here" trope to the city, although they do pretty much pull it off.)It's seriously well cast, fairly original, well done all around. Good ending, too. And the closing song rips off "See That My Grave Is Kept Clean" very, very effectively. L (1 review)The Last Amityville Movie 👍 💩 (331 words) I call this the "Reuben Sandwich" of movies.I was at a deli once, and I looked at a Reuben Sandwich. It was corned beef, sauer kraut, russian dressing, and swiss cheese, on pumpernickel. I was like, "Oh my god, it's everything I hate in one sandwich. I must try this." And I liked it!This movie is like that. Found footage, perhaps the lowest budget movie I've ever seen—seriously, I'd be surprised if they spent $150 on this. It seems like a guy shot out an email to a bunch of his friends saying, "You want to be in a movie? Here's your lines. You can do it from home, I'll just film us all on a zoom call".It's a "horror comedy" starring hipsters, no lighting design to speak of, features social media, looks like it was shot on a phone. Everything I hate in one movie!And you know what? I enjoyed it! It's sincere. It's like if "Paranormal Activity" wasn't so pretentious and had the good sense to just be a little silly and have some fun.Guy sits around the house, things go bump in the night, and the day. His friends explode during a zoom call. A ghost that looks like his wife in stage makeup makeup tries to lure him into a closet, which he deals with matter-of-factly:"I know you're not my wife, I just talked to her on the phone. And I wouldn't let my real wife lure me into a closet. Wait, yeah, I probably would. But that's besides the point." There's an unexplained monster.But, along the way, he has one good idea: what if there's a sinister reason why horror movies, "Amityville" in particular, spin off into franchises of endless ridiculous sequels that nobody wants? And: can he put a stop to it?I enjoyed this the way I'd enjoy a friend's jokey home movie if I was in on the joke. Don't expect any better than that, though. M (2 reviews)Masters Of Horror (series) 👍 (358 words) Wow. Real honorable mention here. This is an anthology series where acclaimed directors (Tobe Hooper, Dario Argento, John Landis, John Carpenter) each directed a 1-hour horror film.I found this one on Tubi, and for the most part, it's actual horror cinema, not the TV "horror"-in-quotes writing exemplified by campy shows like "American Horror Story", which use horror tropes with any edges safely blunted off to avoid upsetting anybody.As an anthology, the quality is up and down, but season 1 at least for the most part finds these directors in top form and, in the best episodes, not watering their fare down for TV... this is something fans of actual quality horror movies might actually enjoy.Director Takashi Miike's episode, while not among my favorites, was actually pulled from the original run of the series by Showtime over concerns about the content being too extreme (for cable TV in 2006!) and, true to form, Dario Argento's episode, characteristically both ridiculous and disturbing, had to be edited for violence in the original run, too.And, happily, it doesn't even lean very often into "horror comedy" or in-jokes, for the most part indulging in that only when it will actually work (I had a chuckle when John Landis's episode has a policeman, speculating that a wild animal attack has improbably occurred in his town, mention that a wolf attack was reported in central London in 1981, an amusing callback to his own "An American Werewolf In London", a childhood favorite of mine.)The second season isn't as good, it's more dulled-down "tv horror", although it still has its moments, and is, by and large, still often better than most other TV horror series I've seen. I was somewhat unnerved by the idea, if not entirely the execution, of Joe Dante's season 2 episode "The Screwfly Solution", in which something similar to pest control biotech, originally designed to reduce insect populations by chemically interfering with mating urges, finds a much broader use.Tobe Hooper also is nice to see back in fine form in his season 1 episode "Dance Of The Dead", but I'm not going to say any more than that about that.Mom And Dad 👍 (1151 words) Somewhere in the great purgatory of "also-rans" and "very near misses", "Mom And Dad" surely occupies a place of honor. A somewhat spectacular role-reversal play on how kids become strangers to their parents as they grow up, as an unexplained epidemic of madness (biological warfare is name-dropped as a possibility, but it never gets clearer than that) drives parents to begin trying to murder their kids. One observation that speaks well of this film is that the lack of a reason for the events it depicts almost immediately ceases to matter. The explanation isn't missed, a la "Night Of The Living Dead".This, I must say, is my kind of movie: just things going *awry*, to the most perverse extreme, yet without stretching credulity so far past the point of believability that you can't empathize. Numerous passing notes provide depth, such as a briefly-seen news interview clip showing a parent who has murdered his child, apparently in full command of his faculties, explaining calmly that "I think what's happening is awful" — except, when asked directly, in the case of his child, which, he says with obvious satisfaction, "it was exactly right."Great horror draws you in with realism and plays on your own comforts and fears, and this conceit, which could so easily have been botched, fully qualifies. It's got the kind of tone and balance to make it a true visceral horror on an emotional, not physical, level, a kind of emotional gore (and, it bears mentioning as an aside, visually it's much less bloody than a movie like this could have been, and shies away from showing gore that most people would have. For instance, one scene is made more disturbing by intimating the presence of the corpse of a child, someone we have seen earlier in the film, by the sound of flies and not actually ever showing it.) This is perhaps a slight disappointment for the modern horror buff, but for me, it's a throwback to a time when horror pictures tried to be well-made movies, not just 90 minutes of visual shock and gore, and aspired to be lean/spare/economical rather than gratuitous. It's the kind of horror that works in broad daylight.That proper "emotional horror" tone and balance are something very, very few movies pull off right, and I can think of far more failures than successes...the Nicole Kidman vehicle "The Invasion" leaps to mind as an example of this common failure, in how takes one of the creepiest basic tropes in storytelling history and succeeds in somehow divesting it of any sort of gut-level unease for the viewer.Or perhaps the best opposing example is this film's failed evil twin, "The Happening", with its vaguely similar themes, equally disturbing in concept and even in some passing momentary scenes, and yet, in its entirety, a complete, laughable, abject failure in its execution.So, with this very well-done buildup, I'd say the first half of this was shaping up to be one of my favorite movies. I generally multitask while I watch movies, but about 15 minutes into this one, I had to put the laptop away so I could watch it with undivided attention, which is about the highest praise I can give the first 15 minutes of a horror movie. The dread nicely escalates, as news reports and background police activity slowly reveal society going off the hinges, finally culminating earlier in the film than expected in a very well-played scene in the delivery room in which mom's sister bears her first child — with results that were played well enough not to be disappointing even though they were entirely predictable. Cinematically, up to that point, it was well done, in the same way that I like about the 2004 remake of "Dawn Of The Dead" — especially the beginning, which it was reminiscent of, in both the early scenes of a forebodingly sterile suburbia, and in the overall "this is never going to be an 'A' horror movie, so let's make it the most solid B+ horror movie we possibly can" quality of the buildup.Unfortunately, it then sags in the middle, when it stops showing the widespread effects and background of society deteriorating, and shifts entire focus inwards to focus exclusive the main protagonist family, becoming sort of a murderous reverse "Home Alone" where the parents, rather than burglars, are after the kids, resulting in all sorts of around-the-house ingenuity (duct tape is used in two different gimmicks), and never pulls back out to show what's going on in the rest of society again.It even completely forgets about the sister and baby the movie made us invest emotionally in halfway through with a harrowing delivery room scene, never bothering to return to them — rendering that entire subplot a mere shock device instead of a plot development.But, oh, on the plus side, did I mention, the parents are Nicholas Cage and Selma Blair? These choice bits of casting really help things along, especially Blair, who is talented enough to glide smoothly from murderous to tender and back again in a heartbeat, telling the kids she's trying to kill that she and their dad love them "more than anything," and making it sound believable.The overall fun of the picture compensates for its more predictable plot developments, but unfortunately, as the narrative of mounting social unrest-cum-terror of the first half is completely abandoned in exchange for a much narrower survival tale about one pair of kids who weren't really given quite enough background or character development to make us care about them personally, it ceases to live up to its broader potential as a horror yarn. It's the very definition of a seriously flawed gem.The reviewer on RogerEbert.com got it right when he said, "[the filmmaker] gets so much right here that I can't help but strongly recommend "Mom and Dad" ... with some qualifications." Ultimately, I don't love it. But I know I will watch it again. That's definite.And, as if I needed one more thing to like about this near-perfect near-miss, it also once again reaffirms my favorite horror movie trope: the key to survival in any horror-movie scenario is outliving Lance Hendrikson. He's *always* the last to go. I think they cast him for that on purpose.[Note, 2023: Posting this online several years after writing it, I want to add I was sufficiently disturbed by the good parts of this movie that to this day I've resisted watching it again as it's popped back up online. It's not so much that it's a scary movie as it effectively communicates scary concepts that I'm not sure I want to think about: essentially, it asks, what exactly, deep down, is the difference between the instinctual drives of love and rage? Off the top of my head I can't think of a lot of movies that had that kind of effect on me.] N (2 reviews)Necropath 👍 (590 words) WOW. Here we have something special.Ok, wait, let me qualify that.For starters, let me say: my first impression was, most people will hate this movie. Reading up on it afterwards, as is my habit when a movie really interests me, I discovered, yes, sure, enough, everybody hated it. Not just disliked it, I mean REALLY hated it.I was blown away by it, loved almost every minute of it.This is a very flawed and totally amateurish movie for sure—but, here's the rub: "Night Of The Living Dead", "Eraserhead", and most of David Cronenberg's classic films were flawed, very amateurish movies. Like them, this to me is the work of an extremely skilled amateur savant, someone with absolutely no understanding of most of the conventions of storytelling, and an absolutely brilliant intuitive feel for the camera and the editing desk.This is a movie for deep, deep horror aficianados. It is absolutely gory, grand guignol. It has very little plot and so little dialogue it could pass for a silent movie. It's almost an art film. None of the characters even have names. It looks like it was filmed on a $1.50 budget.The plot is almost nonexistent: A heroin-addicted serial killer roams the city streets while some sort of zombie apocalypse rages. And that's it. Beyond episodic scenes of people trying to survive and the title "necropath" walking around trying to fulfill whichever hunger of his is dominant in the moment, what little plot there is left open-ended. No questions are answered. Is the serial killer a zombie? Are the "zombies" alive or dead (they seem to be able to think and have an odd tendency to speak, as much as anybody in this movie does, which pretty much amounts mostly to one-word utterances.) None of it is ever explained. And if you ask me, it doesn't matter.The movie is absolutely carried by the performance of the killer, whose gibbering, bug-eyed, feral performance alone eleviates this to the level of a favorite for me. From the very first sight of him, leering eerily out-of-focus outside a car window as he prepares to attack the occupant, I was immediately gripped. The performance, the cinematography, everything... that one shot was enough to tell me something was special here.This reminded me in a way of "The Inside" (2012), another movie that forgoes pretty much all the conventions of movie making such as, say, plot—ordinarily something I prefer a movie has—very successfully, in my opinion. This, like "The Inside", is not a movie about a story, it's a movie about the conventions of the horror genre, and it tackles hallowed conventions in a fresh way. This one was even better at it than "The Inside", too, and despite the conventional (read: tired) zombie film tropes, this one is far more original in how it tackles it.I don't know if anyone in the world but me likes this movie, or even doesn't absolutely hate it. But I loved it. Absolutely should be a deep cult favorite. I am sure as years go by horror aficianados here and there will talk about this with reverence. And most (of the very few) people who've seen it will think they're nuts. But they're not. It's repellent and awful and disgusting and horribly lacking in any conventional redeeming qualities, and also, really, really something special for the kind of audience that can appreciate it.Think of it as a zombie movie "Last Exit To Brooklyn", if that helps put it in perspective.Nobody 👍 (36 words) A middling action picture elevated to high entertainment by the sheer genius of casting Bob Odenkirk and Christopher Lloyd as tough-as-nails action heroes, and, the unlikely fact that they actually pull it off. I liked it. P (1 review)Pyewacket 👍 (57 words) Another successful zero-budget Canadian horror outing of the kind that should, by all rights, have sucked, except that Canadians seems somehow good at making these little horror movies pretty effective. A disaffected teen living out in the woods with her mom summons a demon, chaos ensues. Decent acting from no-name cast. I liked it. Will watch again. R (1 review)Resolution 👍 (236 words) Score one for AI. This small indie film has haunted me for years, as I forgot to review it when I watched it, until tonight I typed one image I vividly remembered as well as a few other details into ChatGPT and asked what film it was from, and after one wildly wrong try, it got it right.This is a small indie horror flick that stuck with me just for being really weird. A man meets his drug addict friend out at a remote cabin the friend is squatting in, and chains the friend up, forcing him to spend a week going cold turkey. Strange encounters with other drug addicts, local security, and a team of foreign researchers there doing psychedelics begin to occur and they find films and videos that change with each viewing, and what is initially assumed to be haunted land turns out to be more a postmodern 4th-wall indie flick type thing in which media and stories figure into the story. All in all a pretty original outing, which scores big with the part of me that enjoys unique little indie horror flicks like "Yellowbrickroad" and "Pontypool".I dunno. It's been so long since I saw it I honestly can't remember if it's even good enough to recommend. But it had images that stuck with me all this time, and 10 years later I want to watch it again, so, honorable mention. S (3 reviews)The Signal (2007) 👍 (35 words) Compilation of three short tales, revolving around a broadcast signal driving people insane. I like this one a lot, very well done. (Note: there's another 2014 horror movie called "The Signal" that isn't nearly as good.)The Signal (2007) [second viewing] 👍 (248 words) As described in my last review, compilation of three interwoven short tales, revolving around a broadcast signal driving people insane. I like this one a lot, very well done. (Note: there's another 2014 horror movie called "The Signal" that isn't nearly as good.) I just recently, 10 or 15 years after it had faded to a distant memory of a film Ihad especially enjoyed, popped back up on Tubi (which, among the seemingly thousands of awful horror films it gets, seems to also manage to get these distantly-remembered, hard-to-find favorites.) I remember why I liked it. It's gorier than I remember, and, I don't know, I can't say it's exactly a great movie, but it seriously well done for what it is and the kind of gem I would say non-horror fans shouldn't go out of their way to see, but, every horror fan should see it. As noted elsewhere, the first of the three episodes, directed by the guy who went on to do "The Ritual" and a bunch of better stuff I noted in my review of that film, is the best of the three, very effectively ratcheting up the suspense. The rest is nearly as good though. The second two rely a little bit on camp humor, not my favorite thing, but it's strong enough all the way through to pull off this off-kilter and gory end-of-humanity tale. Also, never realized unti now, the female lead was also one of the leads in "YellowBrickRoad" another favorite deep cut.The Spore 👍 (96 words) I liked this. A definite B-movie, an anthology-type flick about people trying to survive in a town where people''s bodies are being taken over and mutated by a fungal infection. If that premise sounds like anything you could ever enjoy watching, and you can tolerate some occasionally cheesy special effects, then this movie is probably closer to what you hope something like that would be than what something like that usually turns out to be. I thought it was fun, if a little viscerally gory. Fungus... I'm sure you can imagine. It was kinda fun though. T (3 reviews)Testament 👍 (131 words) Harrowing and timeless 1983 realist family drama of postnuclear survival. Among my faves of this narrow genre (that being realist postapocaliptic films that are worth watching), along with the equally rough and moving "Threads" and the extremely-bleak-for-the-1950s "On The Beach". No sci-fi elements, no action, it's just a straight drama. Did I mention it's harrowing? It's harrowing.The fact that this, "Threads", and "The Day After" came out around the same time, and all anyone ever talked about or remembers was the soap operatic, TV-ified "The Day After" (although all three were originally produced for TV), is a grim statement about our society's desire to appear to be confronting the potential horrors we've spawned while simultaneously, to the greatest extent possible, avoiding looking at all at the potential horrors we've spawned. The Thing (aka"The Thing From Another World") 👍 (72 words) What can I say? It's a classic. Modern sci-fi/horror/action movie buffs will probably wonder why people once thought this was so great, and it's probably for me not even on par with"The Blob"(a surprisingly good movie for the era and subject matter) but still, for 1951, I can see the appeal, it was probably pretty unlike anything that had been seen at the time. I enjoyed it for sure.Time Lapse 👍 (233 words) I've always been fond of this movie. A houseful of twentysomethings discovers that their recently deceased neighbor across the street was a scientist who invented a camera that takes polaroids of 24 hours into the future, with, in this case, less predictable results than that setup at first suggests.I can't say it's a great movie. It would have been kind of the sci-fi equivalent of a "teen scream" horror movie, but—despite some serious flaws, such as some flabbiness in the second act involving an unnecessary bad guy whose performance just screams "miscast hipster actor trying hard to play a tough"—it's saved by mostly above-average clever ideas and execution, showing some careful and creative plotting right when it's needed, and which gets better as the movie goes on... it's kind of the reverse of the frequent "started good but ran out of steam" problem.On the contrary, this starts out alright, and, despite some bumps along the way, picks up steam all the way until it barrels through to a really satisfying conclusion. I spent the first half of a much later second viewing saying to myself, "This is good, but I'm not sure it's really much better than average, I don't know why I liked it so much last time," but by the time it was over, I was like, "Oh, yeah! I did like this so much for a reason!" W (1 review)The Whisperer In Darkness 👍 (363 words) Ok, this one is special, I think we have an honorable mention here. A folklorist investigates tales of strange creatures appearing in Vermont. When I threw this on, I was suprised to discover it was an old horror movie, not a new one, and nearly turned it off, but thankfully I didn't. Within just a few minutes I found myself thinking that I'd forgotten just how visually beautiful some of those old black and white movies are... similar to some of those John Ford westerns. It was quite a ways into it before I realized something was a little too clean—by the end of the movie I realized that certain lighting revealed that there was no film grain. Which makes sense, because the movie was actually made in 2011. But other than that, WOW, the 1930s reproduction is note-perfect, the acting style, the costumes, the special effects, most definitely the lighting... somebody involved with the making of this film had a spectacularly good eye for black-and-white cinematography, it's just beautiful and would probably have stood out as a great example of vintage cinematography if it had actually been vintage. The story is not great but absolutely good, it builds as effectively as some of the great vintage horror, and the plot ticks along, nothing about it sags at any point from start to finish. There's clearly some modern special effects used but for the most part they're effectively disguised to look like 1930s technology, and mostly the whole thing works. The monsters are a little cheezy but by the time you see them I was so into it that I didn't care. This film really caught my attention, there were a few times I had to rewind to see things a second time. Plus, a dark ending, much more Lovecraft than Hollywood, even though only the first two acts are actually from the Lovecraft story this is based on. Very nice work from an indie director. Not quite a great film, but definitely a treat, from where I sit, for sure. Quality entertainment. Incidentally I notice this one gets high marks from a lot of Lovecraft fans in the review section on IMDB.“Je nais se quois” / Flawed gems A (3 reviews)A Beginner's Guide To Snuff 🤔 (164 words) This is a little different. This is a terrible, half-baked movie for sure. More black comedy than horror, and completely amateurish at that. A pair of bumbling filmmakers decide to kidnap an unwitting actress because they want to make a fake snuff film but aren't convinced she can pull it off as an actress unless she really thinks she's being abducted and threatened. Needless to say, things don't go as expected.There reason this isn't 100% complete garbage, though, is that the actress is so full of charisma and so much fun to watch that she basically carries the movie. The filmmakers are bumbling enough to be amiable, too, but Bree Williamson as the actress really chews the scenery as entertainingly as possible all the way through it.For that, I'm going to stick this under films that have a certain "je nais se quois"... it's easily the worst movie I ever said that about, but, because of the actress's incredibly likeably performance, it qualifies. Alien Weekend 🤔 💩 (100 words) Fun little flick. Sci-fi comedy about a couple of 20-something friends who stumble into some intrigue involving a crashed ufo and a missing alien egg. Reminiscent of quirky indie sci-fi comedies like Buckaroo Bonzai, Repo Man, Bill & Ted, that sort of thing, although it doesn't really rise to anywhere near that level—it's still too much of a teen film for that—but nonetheless, a likable cast and fairly consistently successful comic elements make it a fun view. Definitely doesn't suck. Could maybe be a minor cult favorite, I bet, to people who haven't seen this sort of thing before.Artifice Girl 🤔 (164 words) Not a bad little sci-fi movie. Not great, but definitely not bad. Very talky and geeky but I kind of like that. A man invents an AI 11 year old girl to lure predators online, and then it follows him and the development of the AI over the course of his life, along the way with a lot of very familiar-seeming exposition inquiring into the nature of consciousness and where the line between simulated life and actual life is. Not the most original story, but pretty well told in that talky way that I like my sci-fi. Kind of like a little younger cousin to my big fave "Ex Machina". Bonus: The inventor is played as an old man by Lance Hendriksen, who is the last character to die in the movie, thus finally proving that, while Lance Hendriksen is always the last to die in horror movies, him being the last to die in a movie does not necessarily make it a horror movie. B (3 reviews)Blood (2023) 🤔 (159 words) Entirely watchable supernatural thriller. Michelle Monaghan moves her family out to the country, where her young son is bit by a sick dog and subsequently develops an overwhelming thirst for blood. It could have gone a lot of different ways, but well-played with low-key intensity as the family goes further and further to try to keep their son alive and satiated as he slowly turns into a monster. Good performance from the young kid, too, playing the son trying to deal with urges he doesn't want but can't fight. And it has maybe two fleetingly short but kind of creepy moments, which is more than the zero you usually get from movies like this.I'm rating this a little highly by putting it under "je nais se quois", it's not necessarily anything special, but... it's watchable for sure. It's not crap. If there's a lot of crap to choose from to watch, and there's this, definitely go with this.Body At Brighton Rock 🤔 💩 (198 words) Wow, talk about a flawed gem.Young park ranger gets lost in the woods, finds a body, has to sit tight until morning waiting for rescue. For the first 20 minutes of this movie, I assumed it was a 1980s "USA Up All Nite"-type d-grade picture. It wasn't until she pulled out an iPhone and took selfies that I realized it was new.The acting is crap, directing is crap, everything about it is amateurish and crap. But then, she spends the night out in the woods, and I have to say, it's exactly the kind of movie I like, but could never recommend to anyone else.Nowhere near as poetic as, say, Open Water, another bomb that I love, but I have to say, it's effectively creepy just for the setup, as she slowly creeps herself out wandering around the woods at night all by herself. Even the handful of predictable scares didn't ruin it for me. It kind of combined my love for crap "USA Up All Nite" pics with my love for solitary survival pics, so, works for me.I imagine I'll watch it again, although I can't speak for anybody else on that one.Bug (1975) 🤔 💩 (328 words) THIS IS IT! You found it-the one, the only BUG, the single greatest cinematic achievement not just in the admittedly crowded field of mid-20th-century apocalyptic giant insect scifi horror film, nor even just in the scifi or horror film genres, but in human motion picture history writ large, itself. The unrelenting cinematic greatness that this movie doles out in heaping helpings upon your uncomprehending cerebellum-line after line, minute after minute, scene after scene, shrieking burning head explosion after shrieking burning head explosion, without pause, from the opening preacher's sermon to the closing descent into the stygian bowels of the earth itself-simply cannot be adequately conveyed within the constraints of this forum. It must be experienced firsthand.The mere fact that this is one of the very few opportunities in American cinema to see a woman's head get set on fire in the Brady Bunch kitchen would likely be among the chief draws of any more ordinary film it might appear in. But this is no ordinary film, and even something that would obviously be the highlight of most movie-goers' entire seasons is here only the very most trivial, the most trifling beginning to the veritable cavalcade of entertainments bestowed upon the lucky viewer of this inestimable apotheosis of thrilling visual storytelling.To say any more would both unfairly rob the viewer of the opportunity to fully experience the unfolding of this stunning film firsthand, and, necessarily fall short in the effort, because words simply can not suffice.Bug. There is no substitute, no other film experience that can compare. On the rarified mountaintop of cinematic achievement, Bug stands alone.If you disagree with a single word of this review, you should know it was written by my 7-year-old self. And my 7-year-old self knows a BUTTLOAD about movies. You are not likely to convince him he's wrong.As of this writing, "Bug" is, happily, currently streaming on Netflix, and the world feels just that much more right. C (1 review)Caught (2017) 🤔 (283 words) Hmmm. Hmmmmmmmm. Hmmmm.What starts as a dreadfully slow, very British take on a home invasion/captivity flick a la "Funny Games"—something I'm immediately put off by—turns out, very slowly, to be something a little more... but then, exactly what, is never revealed, which is frustrating.In 1972, a journalist couple who has been poking around a mysterious military operation our on the moors receives a visit from a very oddly-mannered couple, "Mr. and Mrs. Blair", who want to ask them a few questions, and proceed to brutalize and take them captive.Honestly, pretty bad movie, and the fact that nothing is explained or resolved makes it doubly frustrting.But at the same time, the acting is, er, strange enough to be a little engaging. The oddball performances of Mr. & Mrs Blair, as they slowly get stranger and stranger, is somehow a little interesting, especially the actress who plays Mrs. Blair, who starts off seeming not quite human, and gets more animalistic from there. Mrs. Blair asks, "Is this a photo of your daughter?" to which the father replies, "Yes, do you like it?" She glares at him for a moment before shouting sternly, "I. DO. NOT. DECIDE!" Good fun.I don't know. I certainly can't recommend it as a good movie. And the complete lack of an explanation is just annoying. But it was, er, oddly interesting enough that after it ended I went back and re-watched the parts of the beginning I hadn't initially paid a lot of attention to because I was lost by how talky they were. It's not common that I'm interested enough to do that.So.... hmmmmmm.No, not a very good movie. But still, hmmmmmmm. D (4 reviews)Deadbolt 🤔 (100 words) Alright indie thriller. Young woman escaping a bad relationship moves into a supposedly haunted house in a bad neighborhood with an overly clingy roommate, and things get weird.Could have been terrible, but a couple of above-average performances put it just a touch above complete mediocrity. Canadian, not so Canadian (in the usual good way) that I'd have guessed, but it does make sense. Kind of succeeds by not overreaching for more than it can accomplish.Sometimes you have to admire something just for managing not to be bad, which this does manage. Better writing would have helped even more.The Devil's Restaurant 🤔 💩 (147 words) A horror-comedy that actually works, sort of... at least well enough that I was reasonably entertained. In this case, a restauranteur strikes a deal with a demon who lives in the basement. The demon makes the restaurant successful, in exchange for occasionally being fed only the worst of the customers.The problem with most "horror comedy" is it's really just a bad horror movie trying to be passed off as "comedy" because it's just bad. In this case, it's an actual comedy that happens to be about horror topics.The acting is terrible, the movie is pretty goofy, but it knows what it is and isn't trying to be anything more. What's more, the cast, though pretty terrible, seem like they enjoyed making it. It's fun and, this works in its favor too, just slightly original—definitely not reminiscent of anything I've seen before. I liked it.Don't Look Deeper 🤔 (175 words) This is weird. This was actually a pretty ok sci-fi movie, if a little teen-oriented, set in the near future when there are humanoid AIs in daily use but otherwise very much like today, about a young woman who discovers she's an AI, spends most of the movie trying to escape corporate masters who want her captured, her creators/"parents" who keep wiping her memory every time she discovers she's artificial, etc. Don Cheadle and Emily Mortimer star as the parents, which should tell you something... It was pretty good, probably deserving a callout for being above average.Until... an hour and a half into it, it just stops. It ends in the middle of the story.There are references online to this being both a series and a movie, I don't know if what I saw was a pilot episode or something. If they'd wrapped it up like a real movie, I'd have liked it. I think I'll still give it a "je nais se quois", but, be warned: it stops in the middle. Doors 🤔 (81 words) I liked this movie, I bet a lot of people won't though. It's an anthology film, although it doesn't play that way, a few stories around the theme of the sentient black CGI portals appearing around the world. People can enter and leave them but staying too long drives them insane. The portals speak telepathically sometimes. The CGI was actually kind of good for CGI black goo, and the cinematography was really nice, someone is an avid and skilled Kubrick fan. E (2 reviews)Enter Nowhere 🤔 (89 words) You know, I kind of liked this movie. It sort of plays, not like a great movie, but like, I dunno, a great episode of"The Outer Limits"(or a very long second- or third-tier episode of "The Twilight Zone".) Three strangers wind up coincidentally stuck at a cabin in the remote woods, and things from there go in a completely different direction than you expect. Basically a drama with fantastic elements as they figure out what's going on—far more "Outer Limits" than "Last House On The Left".Expulsion 🤔 (183 words) It's too bad this movie is so poorly done because, because the writing is ambitious and despite a reliance on a lot of cliches it has a little bit of an original story. A pair of garage scientists open a portal to a parallel universe and become embroiled in interdimensional intrigue as their employers attempt to take over the universe and their counterparts on the other side may or may not be what they seem. "Expulsion" refers to a universal rule that if two of the same person are in the same universe when the portal between them closes, one is "expulsed" which is never clearly explain but it involves disintegrating.Terribly acted, zero budget, all around not very well made, but as I said, that's kind of a shame. The story itself mildly entertained me, in better hands and better acted this could have been something. I thought it was definitely better than the two stars it has on IMDB. There's only so high a rating you can get with such terrible acting and production values, but it deserved better than that. F (1 review)Foil 🤔 (103 words) Somewhere in the same universe as Repo Man, Harold & Kumar, and Buckaroo Bonzai is this quirky buddy comedy about two slacker friends on a UFO-spotting camping trip in the desert who encounter other enthusiasts out there. I found it slightly above average, although judging from the extremely low-to-mixed reviews on IMDB, not everybody appreciated the humor like I did. And it probably doesn't rise to the level of those others I mentioned. But I liked it, I found it amusing most of the way through, although it dragged on a bit at the end. It's definitely kind of its own thing, for sure. H (2 reviews)Halloween Party 🤔 💩 (181 words) So, this is a little different for a teen scream... this uninteresting-sounding tale is about a meme email that spreads around and forces you to be killed by your deepest fear if you don't click the link (yes, it's another horror movie about the internet, usually a bad sign.) It starts weak, but ends up being just a slight cut above, just barely, due to good acting and unusual casting of actual realistically geeky characters as geeks, and then giving them respectable roles. Turns out it's a Canadian film, so, ok. It also had a lot of funny little snappy patter, it sounded like the way wiseass kids really talk. Pretty much bottom of the barrel for Canadian horror but still, that means a cut above bottom of the barrel compared to most. It's sort of slightly-better-than-total-crap in that "Final Destination", actually-kind-of-decent-teen-scream way, which works even better for me because I totally didn't expect it. C'mon, "Halloween Party"? Memes? But, yeah. I wouldn't necessarily go so far as to recommend it, but I liked it. It was better than complete crap. Human Resources 🤔 💩 (267 words) I'm having a hard time figuring out what to say about this, so the IMDB blurb will do: "After starting a job at an eerie hardware store, an anxious young man uncovers a shocking mystery that leads to a fight against terrifying forces that lurk just behind the walls."You know what? It's a bad movie, sure. But... I liked it. It doesn't take itself too seriously. A likeable, if perpetually worried-seeming, med student gets a part time job and a big hardware store where things gradually seem just a little bit off. The pacing is awful, but the third act is at least ambitious, more so than the first two acts leave you prepared for.It's a pretty badly flawed movie. Plot points are never wrapped up, and the pacing isn't great, but... it does have a plot. And it's an amusing one, at least. And, by the end, you can tell they at least made a real effort, not like a lot of crap horror films where they don't quite bother all the way.I has like 4 stars on IMDB, and I think it deserves a little better than that. I can totally understand people not liking it at all, but I also understand a handful of people here and there giving it 6 or 7 stars and saying things like, "Meet it on its own terms and it's not all that bad."It's undisputably a bad movie. But, if you go into it expecting that... you might find it a little more entertaining by the end than you expected. Only a little, but, yeah, a little. I (1 review)Island Zero 🤔 (35 words) Crusty maine island fishermen, plus a local novelist and a local biologist, confront an unseen monster emerging from the sea. I liked it well enough that I remembered it, can't say much more than that. J (2 reviews)Jennifer's Body 🤔 (274 words) Kind of like "Mean Girls" but as a monster movie. And Mean Girls was kinda good, and, this is kinda good.Seriously, this is a funny one, because in some ways it's as dumb as a teen scream horror can get—picture Adam Brody, the world's least believable devil-worshipping bad guy, singing "867-5309" as he sacrifices someone to the devil, and you have a pretty good picture of where this goes in places. But, the thing is, it's really well-directed, and the cinematography is at times great... like when Anita (Amanda Seyfried) is having awkward teenage sex with her boyfriend at the same time as Jennifer (Megan Fox) is killing a boy in an abandoned house, Anita senses it through the apparent psychic rapport they share as old friends—which could be a horribly mishandled conceit, but fortunately it's so underplayed that it works—and she looks up to see a vision of Jennifer across the room, crouched like an animal over one of her victims. It only lasts a second but it's absolutely perfect. This movie is full of little touches like that, that redeem it and ultimately do make it an enjoyable repeat view, even despite all the dumb teen scream, one-step-more-serious-than-Buffy-The-Vampire-Slayer stuff. I don't love it, but I like it a lot, for sure, despite the glaring flaws. I've seen it a few times now and will watch again occasionally, it holds up.As a testament to how just sorta different this movie is: Lance Henriksen has a cameo in it, and not only is he not the last to die, he does not die at all. Not even a little. John Dies At The End 🤔 (61 words) A critic called this "a very interesting failure", and that's about right. This time- and dimension-hopping adventure wants really badly to be a cult classic somewhere between "Donnie Darko" and "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure", and doesn't quite rise to that level, but, almost. It's pretty entertaining. I like it, have watched it a few times, and will probably watch it again. L (5 reviews)Lake Mungo 🤔 (224 words) Here we have something interesting. A horror "mockumentary" that's done so realistically I was unconvinced as to whether it was fake or not for much of the runtime. It's totally fiction, but boy does it look like a real documentary. It's effectively creepy; but then, as things get debunked, reveals them straightforwardly, as a real documentary wood. The performances are 100% realistic.The story is, an Australian family's daughter drowns, and they believe they are beginning to see her ghost around the house. A medium gets involved, it goes through the kind of complex twists and turns any interesting real life documentary involving a true crime might go through, and it once never gets far enough from believable to break the spell. It's extremely sparing about creepy stuff so when it arrives, it's effective. The photo & video "evidence" for the haunting is sufficiently understated to be legitimately spooky... not clear enough to look fake, not blurred enough to look deliberately obscured. And then, when some of it is questioned, the way it could have been produced deceptively is presented realistically, too.Well done. Hard to call this a great movie, but it's certainly very well done and succeeds entirely at being the horror mockumentary it's trying to be. It really looks real, all the way through. Worth a watch if any of this sounds interesting. The Last Gateway 🤔 (87 words) A young man's stomach pains turn out to be a portal to Hell opening in his abdomen from which demons periodically emerge, and he and his wife must run from mysterious people pursuing him. Stylistically like a a Giallo flick, if that's your sort of thing.It's different, I'll give it that. I wouldn't say it's particularly good but neither is it particularly bad. It takes until the third act to really get going but when it does, decent acting and creature design really help it along. The Lost End 🤔 (120 words) This ambitious indie flick is somewhere in the David Lynch, Guillermo Del Toro, Gaspar Noe triangle of "film is art" highly-stylized productions. A man whose wife and son disappear on a trip to the beach—or is it his mother and his younger self?—leading him to search a desert community for them and become involved with some sort of cult. People turn into lizards, bugs, skeletons, and the entire thing is intentionally dreamlike (and consequently, hard to follow the plot of.)Nowhere near as good a film as any of the above-mentioned names would have made, and probably not one I can recommend, nonetheless, I admire the ambition, no matter how far short it falls of its lofty goals. The Lurking Fear 🤔 (264 words) Ok, couldn't have sounded less promising. "When a TV crew shoots a reality show at an abandoned mental institution, they encounter a horde of demons, leading to a bloody fight for survival". But, then, I see Michael Madsen is in it. He has a glorified cameo as a smalltown sheriff for 15-20 minutes at the beginning. But, then, I notice something: for a movie that is basically what you'd expect from people wandering around a darkened abandoned building being attacked by actors in pancake makeup... it was actually alright. I don't really go for gore flicks, and it was super cheezy, but it was kind of good within those constraints. And then, instead of ending where most movies would, when the final girl escapes the asylum, it keeps going, and lets Michael Madsen come back to chew the scenery for a pretty brutal final act, elevating it to actually an alright Giallo-type flick. It's kind of weird and extreme and absolutely not subtle in any way, very much whatever the opposite of subtle is. I'm not a huge fan of Giallo, I mostly like it ok but don't love it, but if you're a Giallo fan, I might even say if you can put up with how long this takes to rise just a hair above the crowd, it might actually be worth seeking it out. I see it has a 2.5 out of 10 stars on IMDB, which makes sense, but, still. I might even watch it again someday, which is more than I can say for most of the crap horror films on Tubi.LX 2048 🤔 (112 words) Takes a while to get going, but sort of fun future technodystopia where a company sells "insurance" where if a spouse dies, you get a clone within 48 hours... with the ability to request small custom improvements, of course. What could go wrong? (Hint: everything.) Not quite the movie it wants to be, padded out with unnecessary secondary ideas that are explored then just dropped, and so takes a little while to get going ... would have been a very good Black Mirror episode, with tighter plotting. At twice that length feels a little long for the idea, but still, I'd give it a 'B'. Reasonably well done, not great but definitely not crap. O (1 review)The Old Ones 🤔 💩 (441 words) Ok, this is truly weird. A sea captain, rescued after 100 years of being possessed by "the Old Ones", encounters magicians and monsters trying to get back to his own time, who he mostly seems to find junkyards and abandoned industrial sites around town. This is zero-budget, sub-"Creature From The Black Lagoon" rubber-mask monsters, to tell a story with as much ambition, weirdness and imagination as a Clive Barker film.Terribly miscast macho he-men who look like extras from a "Dirty Harry" police station scene (the actor playing the captain has almost 300 IMDB credits to his name, including "Donnie Brasco" and "Fast and Furious") run around spouting scenery-chewing Lovecraftian dialogue at each other, like"I have to go. Things are hunting me. Hideous things that dissolve and devour..." or "My pets. You see them? The creatures that fill what men call the pure air and the blue sky", as cheesy, obviously papier-mache bugs and creatures float and skitter around.Meanwhile, out-of-place humor pops up periodically, like bringing a magician the heart of a demon in a styrofoam takeout container, and when they tell him, "We have brought you a tribute", he says, "What, leftovers?", before opening up a demonic portal in his torso, a giant, hideous gaping maw full of very obviously fake rubber and foam fangs*; or, at another point, a female waitress character for some reason is played, completely straight and with no explanation or anything to suggest it's meant to be humorous, by a hipster-looking male actor with a goatee and mustache.This seems like a movie made by a very imaginative person who hadn't seen a movie since they were a young child and had only vague memories of what movies are supposed to be like, and a special effects budget limited to whatever they could spend in an hour at the craft store. I generally don't get into "so bad it's good", but this is so over-the-top, and they try so hard, despite having no budget and no talent, I can't help but be entertained by the effort.I might even give this an "honorable mention"... which, in this case, should not be confused with saying it's in any way good. Rather, it's so pyrotechnically, impressively bad, so ambitious without having anything even remotely resembling talent involved anywhere in the production, that I have definitely never seen quite anything like it. I can say that much for sure.(*C'mon. How cool is this, just for being so unrepentantly awful: I am really, seriously not a fan of "so bad it's good" movies, but really just so far beyond the pale the ordinary rules just don't apply.) R (3 reviews)Ready Or Not 🤔 (275 words) This one was a pleasant surprise. A truly stupid setup: a strange wealthy family forces a bride-to-be, about to marry one of their sons, to play a game of hide-and-seek before the wedding, during which they try to kill her, because of some claptrap where a family curse says they have to. Ok, pretty stupid setup.Well: turns out, if you can forgive the stupid story, for the millionth cinematic variation of "The Most Dangerous Game"... this is a pretty good movie, for what it is. Definitely a strong cut above what I expected it to be. The cast helps: Samara Weaving (in probably the best performance I've seen her give, by the end she's downright feral), Adam Brody, Andie MacDowall, Melanie Scrofano, plus a bunch of unfamiliar actors, all hamming it up enough to make the eccentric, homicidal rich characters entertaining without going so far over the top that it's too ridiculous to enjoy. It's much better made than the trash movie I expected, and, actually manages to work in some decent black humor, something that a lot of horror movies try at and fail, but this one actually succeeds at pretty well. Turns out a few of the people behind it worked on "Scream", which, meh, but it makes sense, and without Scream's wink-and-a-nod irony it works alright. If you can forgive the stupid story.Not great, but definitely a cut above the ordinary. It's kinda good. I kinda liked it. Well-made enough that it's probably a good date movie. I can see maybe rewatching this at some point in the future, which is high praise. If you can forgive the stupid story.Removed 🤔 (140 words) Definitely... well... not a flawed gem, but a flawed alright thriller in which a cleaner is paid to clean house for an overbearing rich guy. Saved from mediocrity by the villain, who does a standout performance as the stereotypical possibly homicidal rich asshole—think Patrick Bateman from "American Psycho" with the histrionics toned down to realistic levels. I liked it quite a bit, almost enough to recommend it, except that the plot kind of falls apart through too many tough-to-swallow sudden twists and turns at the end, and leaves it unsatisfying. Still maybe worth watching for the simmering, arrogant bad guy, though, if nothing else. He's memorable, and the slow burn of the first two acts are watchable; the end of the movie is niether, which, you know, you really want them to stick the landing and sadly they don't. ReSet 🤔 (156 words) Ok, so starts, and proceeds through the first half as amusingly terrible take on the Groundhog Day trope. Girl is abducted from a party by an"incel"-stereotype stalker, wakes up in his guest room every time he kills her, after a brief trip to heaven to see her dead grandfather who encourages her along. I'm seriously unsure if this is meant to be a comedy or not. But then, it starts getting into character development, actually spends a little time talking than showing action, finally showing an almost sympathetic side the villain... almost. And the heroine comes off, despite everything she does being justified by everything she's been put through, slightly cruel. All in all, after a really terrible start, I'd almost say this could be chalked up as an "interesting failure" of the kind I might rewatch occasionally. If the first half had been as good as the second half, it would have been. S (1 review)The Sand 🤔 💩 (108 words) Starts off like it's going to be an unbearably annoying first-person shooter, but if you forward past the first 5 minutes it's not. Kids wake up hungover after a beach party to discover the sand has turned carnivorous... basically, "The Raft" from "Creepshow 2", with a beach instead of a lake. That rare actual "good bad movie". I liked it well enough to actually watch it again after a few months. Plus they got Jamie Kennedy to do what he does best, play a brief cameo as some random asshole who appears out of nowhere.Don't get me wrong. It's a bad "teen scream" monster movie. But I like it. T (3 reviews)The Tangle 🤔 (134 words) A pleasant surprise. This nominal speculative sci-fi indie is set in the near future when the internet has evolved into "the tangle", a global swarm of nanobots keeping everybody's brains connected all the time, as well as infecting their bodies to prevent them from being able to commit violence. But the pleasant surprise comes from a few solid acting performances, cinematography, and direction, and the fact this it's a fake-out: it's a solid updating of '40s-style film noir stle that only uses sci-fi as a plot device, and even has nods to '40s fashions along with the film noir cinematography. I wouldn't say it's great, not sure I'd watch it again, but it was way better most unknown Tubi fare. Definitely an interesting enough way to occupy 90 minutes. Perhaps even worth remembering.Terror Firma 🤔 (213 words) This is a truly odd little movie. Low-budget for sure, with only 3 actors, and hard to call it a very good movie, but, it's definitely a little different in terms of story. Los Angeles is under lockdown for unspecified reasons, and a package of seeds arrives with a delivery of food for three housemates, which, planted in the backyard, turn into a hole in the ground filled with some sort of glop, which, smelling good enough to eat, our protagonists do. Soon they're addicted, one roommate injects the glop and gets caught between dimensions, another has sex with the hole, and soon he goes insane, a twisted flower that produces more seeds grows from the hole, an interdimensional portal appears in the ground below it, and things just get weirder from there. The nice thing is, for such a bizarre plot, things are actually played fairly straight. The lead actress is alright, too, she's pretty believable, even though the insane-roommate-cum-bad-guy is overbroad and over-the-top.It's one of those films that's not necessarily good, and nothing is ever really explained, which is always a bummer, but it's not tooooo terrible, and, different enough to be a little memorable. I wouldn't go out of my way to see it, but don't regret that I did. The Thing On The Doorstep 🤔 (278 words) This movie is really odd. I will say right off that most people probably won't like it.This is yet another in the apparently long string of oddly charming, super-low-budget H.P. Lovecraft adaptations. This one, despite being an American production of an American author's story, feels very British, in the way a great deal of it, most of it even, is people sitting in ordinary rooms having mannered conversations, played almost like a very talky, British drama. It's also updated to modern times, but played as an odd hybrid of Victorian-seeming dialog and modern tropes, but again, the whole thing is so mannered, it's only a little strange.It does eventually go more places than that, but it takes a loooooooong time before it does. But, when it does, it's, well, oddly charming. It has occasional video effects of the kind many low-budget films try, thinking they'll look cool, but in this case, they do look cool. Some striking occasionally images and cinematography throughout. The kind of "artsy" odd cuts that so often don't work, but, again, here, somehow they kind of do.Looking it up after watching, it's very widely panned, which I do understand. Definitely too slow and tough to digest, most people will probably think it's just bad. But to me, it's one of those movies that's kind of its own thing, and consistently so, from start to finish... or at least from the very late point it finally proceeds beyond people just sitting in rooms talking, to the finish. And it low-key worked for me because of it. I kind of liked it, in a strange way. I might watch it again sometime. U (1 review)Urge 🤔 (185 words) Ha. Ha ha. Danny Masterson produced and starred in this, well, not exactly teen-scream flick, but mid-20s-scream flick? A group of gorgeous rich, callow friends get together on a luxury resort island and are introduced to a drug that removes all inhibitions, with the admonition"You can only do it once. In your life. "From these predictable beginnings grows a film that actually has it's moments, in a cheap, Hollywood way... it reminded me of" Disturbing Behavior "in that way of basically being bad and predictable but was elevated by being rather consistent and having a few moments that went above and beyond what they needed to. It rises to some moments of surprising brutality for a flick full of Hollywood b-listers (Ashley Greene as the female lead, too.) The ending strives for some sort of greater significance and falls flat, but overall, again like" Disturbing Behavior", if you're going to watch a shitty movie, they come far shittier and slightly less clever than this. I could see watching it again sometime when I'm bored a few years from now if it comes up. W (1 review)Where The Devil Roams 🤔 (295 words) What we have here is basically two movies. For the first two-thirds, it's a narratively not particularly interesting but absolutely beautifully shot gothic piece about a murderous family of carnival performers traveling iin the 1930s. This film is gorgeous—every frame looks like an excellent cinematographer put thought into it and if it carried on all the way through to the end I would have liked it quite a bit just for that. I mean, it's seriously beautiful, enough to carry it.It has some strange stylistic touches, such as carnival freaks in the 1930s who are obviously influenced by having seen Marilyn Manson at some point. I'm pretty sure they didn't have goths yet them. Nonetheless, it held my interest and stood above the pack just for being so cinematically beautiful to watch. It had a dreamlike quality, but wasn't pretentious enough to qualify as an arthouse film. It's almost Tarkovsky-level in how intentional the cinematigraphy is, all the way through. I deeply enjoyed it on that level......Until the third act. Suddenly it disappears up its own ass and turns into the pretentiously artsy film it so carefully avoided beinig until then. Suddenly it's entirely in black and white, what scant plot there was disappears into basically a series of images and vingettes, and it even commits the cardinal sin of straight-up turning into a music video for a few minutes. Finally it ends on an incomprehensible artsy, pretentious note and I was left wondering what the plot even was.Too bad. Could have unquestioningly said I liked it if it had just remained a slow-moving, but gorgeous-without-becoming-unbearably-pretentious flawed gem. But it didn't. Still, it has a certain something, but, the last act is so tediouly pretentious it becomes unwatchable. Not recommended, unfortunately. All reviews by name: " (4 reviews)"Into The Dark" Pooka! (89 words) Review of first 90%: It's a movie called "Pooka!". What do you expect? (If you are thinking something along the lines of an Outer Limits episode, you've set your expectations right.) The lead actor does a decently frenetic job, though. appropriately cartoonish to the silly premise of an improbably popular and murderous kid's toy taking over his life, and directed far better than it deserves, which actually makes it kind of moment-by-moment gripping despite how silly the entire affair is. Review of last 10%: This movie just doesn't make any sense."Into The Dark" The Body (2018) (78 words) A hitman transporting a body on Halloween is mistaken for a partygoer in a Halloween costume. 20somethings wind up with the body and he wants it back. Truthfully, this movie was background noise while I was working on other things, and every time I looked up, it appeared to be fairly entertaining, until the third act, which appeared to be mostly a gory chase scene with the hitman pursuing the kids across the city to retreive the body."Into The Dark" Uncanny Annie (5 words) Jumanji, but attempted horror. Dreadful. "Spiderhole" (49 words) captivity/torture porn. A couple of kids in london break into an empty building to squat, find themselves trapped and tortured, dismembered, and in what I guess is supposed to be a twist ending, eaten, one by one. That's it. That's the whole plot of this brilliant fucking movie. # (2 reviews)#Alive (48 words) It's getting tough to do a fresh take on the zombie outbreak picture, but this Korean film does an alright job. The slightly low, non-Netflix-TV-episode-quality production values are really the only thing marring this tale of people trapped in their apartments during a zombie apocalypse. I liked it. #MissingCouple (290 words) A fairly dreadful first-person shooter involving all the very worst tropes of the genre: long stretches of people just living their lives, lead characters are inane and annoying social media "influencers", the ever-present people still filming while they run for their lives (of course), and showing "scary" things without even ever bothering so much as an attempt to explain what is actually happening or why.A young "influencer" couple buys remote land in the south to live off the land. Pretty soon they find bullets buried where they planted their garden, cameras pick up mysterious black-clad figures who prowl around the house and the property, shine floodlights at them, burn photos of them, and chase them into the woods. And that's it. I found myself thinking something I've never thought before: "Why don't they just get a gun?" Trail cameras reveal the figures move with supernatural speed. What are they? Who are they? I guess it doesn't matter, they're just "scary". At any rate, nothing is ever explained, it all just sort of happens and that's it.The one slight good thing I can say about this film is that it incorporates a followup from another "influencer" trying to find what happened to them, and they intersperse the "stories" (such as they are) of the original couple and the "investigator" in such a way that by the time either starts to get too tedious, they cut to the other, a rare smart move for one of these kinds of movies. Ultimately, through trail cameras, we see the "investigator" chased into a pool in the woods by the figures, who then follow them into the pool, and then, as with the original couple, we never see or are told what happened. A (51 reviews)A.I. 187 (49 words) This had to be made originally as a TV pilot. Lance Hendrikson (who does not die in this one, because nobody does) leads a cast of gorgeous actors as they stand around in ultracool sci-fi cyberpunk secret headquarters and do nothing but talk and talk and talk and talk.A.M.I. (40 words) Ripped from today's headlines! A virtual assistant begins acting like a (non-diegetically) weird-looking girl's mother, soon convincing to kill everyone who's done her wrong. Basically, this is like an after-school movie, except with lower production values, and a bloodier ending.A Beginner's Guide To Snuff 🤔 (164 words) This is a little different. This is a terrible, half-baked movie for sure. More black comedy than horror, and completely amateurish at that. A pair of bumbling filmmakers decide to kidnap an unwitting actress because they want to make a fake snuff film but aren't convinced she can pull it off as an actress unless she really thinks she's being abducted and threatened. Needless to say, things don't go as expected.There reason this isn't 100% complete garbage, though, is that the actress is so full of charisma and so much fun to watch that she basically carries the movie. The filmmakers are bumbling enough to be amiable, too, but Bree Williamson as the actress really chews the scenery as entertainingly as possible all the way through it.For that, I'm going to stick this under films that have a certain "je nais se quois"... it's easily the worst movie I ever said that about, but, because of the actress's incredibly likeably performance, it qualifies. Acedia (91 words) strange, poorly acted, poorly made, very cheap-looking, amateurish film using only natural light and almost no special effects, yet manages to maintain a good rhythm and convey consistent enough very creepy atmosphere for me, at least, to enjoy. A bunch of priests gather for an exorcism on an estate, and as they await the annointed hour, visions from the past greet and torture them. A box made from the wood of Noah's ark grants wishes. Everybody talks with NY accents, if you happen to have a thing for or against that.Adam & Eve (1983) 💩 (228 words) Absolute bottom-of-the-barrel crap from the final fading moments of the "Jason And The Argonauts"/"Seventh Voyage Of Sinbad"/"Clash Of The Titans" epic mythological fantasy era, although I feel bad besmirching the names of those films by associating this with them.Adam is alone in the Garden Of Eden, so, with unclear theological grounding, he fashions Eve out of sand, they frolic a while to a soundtrack that sounds like The Carpenters, before a snake tempts them to eat the apple that gets them evicted, and from there, the movie spins off into a bizarrely low-fi, shamelessly episodic series of encounters with dinosaurs, cavemen, and various poorly-edited stock footage and stop-motion animated perils. They literally wander on foot, judging by the backgrounds and stock footage used, from southern California to the Grand Canyon to the Amazon to the Arctic, trying to find "the sea", because, "life began in the sea, and we need to start over". (No, Adam, that's evolution. You were fashioned from the dust of the earth, not the sea, remember?)This is the kind of movie that's so bad you have to wonder who thought it was a good idea to make it. Maybe they had a groovy analog synth soundtrack laying around and needed to make a movie to use it?And, though I usually don't, in this case, I liked it for that.A Dream House (30 words) Gorgeous couple buys a beautiful house under very sketchy terms at auction. Typical haunted-house hijinx ensue, except with lower-budget effects. Amateur hour. Freevee seems to have a lot of these.Adrift (33 words) couple sailing across the pacific wind up adrift for a month and a half. Considering how much I usually like these kinds of survival stories, meh. Somehow this one didn't speak to me. Afterdeath 💩 (151 words) A bunch of gorgeous people wake up in a remote cabin in the middle of a barren wasteland and realize they have died. They're terrorized by numerous digital effects and black smoke entities as they fuck, fight, and try to figure out what's happening to them. At one point, they venture out only to discover that if they wander too far the wind up back at the cabin, and slowly, the walls close in.And you know what? It's all a little too poorly thought out to be anything like a good movie, but I kind of liked it, vaguely. It was obviously the product of a consistent, if bad, vision. It was relentlessly over-the-top in its reliance on special effects and overacting, plus, at least the plot is original enough not to be overly familiar. I kind of appreciated it on that level, even though it's ridiculous and just bad.After Midnight (194 words) set in a strange alternate reality where remote southern swamps are entirely populated by Brooklyn hipsters with trilby hats and bicep tattoos, this short's-worth-of-plot-stretched-to-feature-length shows a hipster couple living in a big old house in a remote southern swamp, when she suddenly disappears and he begins being visited nightly by an unexplained monster. After she returns, the monster disappears, causing him to be mocked by all their friends until the unexplained monster unexplainedly appears inside the house and attacks him in front of all of them at a dinner party, and he finally kills it, after which he proposes to her, all of which I guess is supposed to mean something, maybe. To stretch this to feature length, we're treated by very lengthy passages of what hipsters find most entertaining: long conversations working their hipster relationship, and bantering at their hipster dinner party. I do give them credit for not overextending their reach, they stuck to what they knew they could pull off, so it sorta works, in that it's not an unbearable watch like some hipster indie films, like that one with Sunil Mani. Ooops, did I say that last part out loud? After the End (45 words) 17-year-old "prepper" survives a plague due to his paranoia, then tries to survive in a cinematically familiar landscape of tough-as-nails men seeking to take the womenfolk and shooting guns at each other. Eh, could've been worse, they could've cast a familiar face as the kid.A Halloween Feast 💩 (205 words) If John Waters made a horror movie, this would be it. Which is to say: absolutely terrible, but, if you're in the mood for ridiculously over-the-top camp, fits the bill admirably.An odd tale of a twisted suburban family that seems normal enough to begin with, except for mom's unfortunate habit of punishing family members' misbehavior by putting their goldfish in the blender or hacking their fingers off unexpectedly with a cleaver and feeding them to them. Also, senile old grandma eats flies and crawls into bed while family members are having sex. Before long, every distasteful thing under the sun is drawn into the story—starting with incest and ending with a meal that turns into the most ridiculous bloodbath ever filmed, culminating, I kid you not, in a dwarf getting shot in the dick, replete with pulsing corn-syrup blood spurts from his pants.I am shocked John Waters was not involved in this. Seriously.Refreshingly, stars middle-aged actors, not just twenty-somethings, including the protagonist, a veteran of countless exploitation horror flicks, such as, among many others, "The Crazies", "Cat People", and "Knott's Landing". Including in the gratuitous sex scenes. Not often you see a 77-year-old actress in bondage gear doing a sex scene. A Haunting At Silver Falls (27 words) teen scream ghost story. Misunderstood orphan girl goes to live with aunt and uncle, finds dead girl's ring in the woods. You know the drill. Erick Avari. The Alchemist's Cookbook 💤 (43 words) A man holed up in a trailer in the woods, apparently trying to do some sort of alchemy that looks remarkably similar to cooking up meth, talks to himself for an hour and a half, and slowly loses his marbles. And that's it. Alien Code 💩 (52 words) Hah! I liked this. Thoroughly amateurish time thriller about a hipster playing a very improbably cryptographer who decodes a message for the NSA and begins to see giant Men In Black. Basically bad, strictly amateur hour, but somehow kind of fun, for being that. They really gave it the old college try.Alien v. Predator (44 words) Dude. It's Alien versus Predator. You know what it's going to be. It's cool, on the higher end of the expected, predictable range of possibilities. Note: Lance Hendriksen is not the last to die in this, proving that it is not a horror movie.Alien Weekend 🤔 💩 (100 words) Fun little flick. Sci-fi comedy about a couple of 20-something friends who stumble into some intrigue involving a crashed ufo and a missing alien egg. Reminiscent of quirky indie sci-fi comedies like Buckaroo Bonzai, Repo Man, Bill & Ted, that sort of thing, although it doesn't really rise to anywhere near that level—it's still too much of a teen film for that—but nonetheless, a likable cast and fairly consistently successful comic elements make it a fun view. Definitely doesn't suck. Could maybe be a minor cult favorite, I bet, to people who haven't seen this sort of thing before.All Fun And Games (163 words) Funny one. Teenager in Salem, MA finds a cursed knife and a demon leaps from friend to friend killing people, for some reason or other having to do with a curse from colonial times. This isn't even a teen scream, more like a pre-teen scream. It's like I imagine the "Goosebumps" movies are like (there are "Goosebumps" movies, right? I think so.) It's absolutely made for adolescents. But: it's actually kind of scary. It's just directed really well. So: definitely a movie for junior high students. But weirdly scary for one. Kind of reminds me of some of those early 70s tv horror movies like "Bad Ronald" or "Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark", which weren't necessarily the best movies, or even the best horror movies, but they managed to ramp up the disturbing imagery to where they were kind of strangely memorable. This isn't quite that good even, but it's in that direction. (Not to be confused with the execrable "Funny Games".)All Nighter (41 words) Can you watch J. K. Simmons for 90 minutes? I can. That's all it took for me to like this piffle of a buddy comedy about Simmons and his daughter's slacker ex-boyfriend searching LA for her when she doesn't answer her phone.Alone (116 words) another "thriller" about a psycho stalking/imprisoning, and re-stalking a woman through the woods. This one started off seemng like it was going to be good, with well-done scenes of a woman being stalked on the road by an increasingly threatening other motorist, before he captures he and it becomes much more run-of-the-mill fare. Still probably among the better of these types of movies, with some actually inventive twists and a genuinely creepy and realistic psycho, but, did the world really need another movie about nothing more than a lone woman being captured and/or pursued and victimized by a lone man and then overcoming it? Is that really a story that needed telling yet again?Alone At Night (117 words) Maybe the stupidest movie I've ever seen. A truly terrible, derivative slasher movie about a gorgeous cam girl staying at a cabin who keeps getting startled by unexpected gorgeous neighbors and handyman, spliced together for no reason at all except maybe to lengthen this to feature length with a fake reality show starring an unfortunately real Paris Hilton about a bunch of reality show dbags living in a house together. Then the end it suddenly tries to get meta, tying both stories together in the stupidest and least believable way imaginable, followed by a rap song about "hoes at the party". Also guest stars one of those plastic, hyperinflated '80s bimbettes as an ostensibly gorgeous sheriff.Altergeist (46 words) Haunted winery turns out to be something more as gorgeous ghost hunters get picked off. Why did previous owners kill themselves by stabbing themselves in the stomach? Starts out as a standard ghost story and expands to something a little more freaky and maybe even sci-fi.The Amazing Johnathan Documentary (67 words) Starts out as a documentary about a complicated performer, and turns into a documentary about the complications of making a documentary about a complicated performer. Good, and the events that unfolded in trying to make the documentary are amusing, but lump this in with "Catfish" in the "documentaries that must've sounded really good on paper, but never get somewhere quite as interesting as they promise to" category.American Carnage (60 words) Ridiculous, hamfisted, but a charismatic cast kind of save this ridiculous attempt at making a "Get Out" for Latinos. An emergency order results in the arrest of all children of illegal immigrants, with an offer to drop all charges if they help out for three months at a creepy senior center. It only gets more ridiculous and unbelievable from there. American Hangman (147 words) Another thoughtful Canadian thriller that starts off looking like it's going to be torture porn but in fact turns out to be low-key and, after some initial grisliness, largely nonviolent, more talk than action, and that's in a good way. A lunatic abducts a judge and subjects him to a trial for a bad verdict, in front of a jury of the entire internet. Plays like one of the better (if not necessarily one of the best) episodes of Black Mirror, with its examination of the role of technology and the media in justice and morality. Plus, Donald Sutherland as the staid judge, and an intense performance from an unrecognizable Vincent Kartheiser to boot, just to elevate things that much more. Those Canadians, I don't know how they do it. (Looked online afterwards and this movie seems to have been pretty broadly panned. I'm not sure why.)Amityville Horror (remake) (22 words) Execrable. Seems like a probable attempt to invent a "mythology" that could be spun off into 14 sequels, but nobody is that stupid. Amityville Turkey Day 🗑 (36 words) In this absolute bottom-of-the-barrel waste of time, a puppet turkey that for some reason talks with a fake Brooklyn accent kills what I assume must be the director's friends and family, because they clearly aren't actors. Among The Living (51 words) as "survivors trying to escape the Infected roaming the countryside" movies go, this one isn't bad. Brother and sister in the woods in England come across a crusty old farmer who lets them stay at his place when she is injured by one of the traps he set around the woods.An American Crime (140 words) Absolutely horrifying true story, which I probably wouldn't have watched if I had known that, as at this point I don't think the true crime trend should be encouraged any more, it's getting exploitative. In the mid-60s, a single mother in Indiana took in a neighbor's daughters for a few months, then with the help of her kids and their friends imprisoned and tortured the older one to death. Considered one of the worst crimes in Indiana history. Most of the people involved either wound up in jail for a long time or came to a bad end at very young ages, it's a dreadful story all around, and although I suppose technically it's a good movie, done more as a biopic than as exploitation and starring Catherine Keener and E. Page, I can't honestly recommend it as entertainment.An American Terror (41 words) Of course the lone hick has tunnels and a torture dungeon under his junkyard trailer. Kids planning the next columbine cross paths with him to a post-punk soundtrack. Stylish enough, I suppose, with a few inventive elements for what it is.Anna (66 words) Scream Queen Killer: A "scream queen" actress auditioning for a role by doing about 15 minutes of 30 secone takes on various situations, because, I guess, if you only saw her "act like there's an invisible presence in the room for 30 seconds...act like you're turning into a vampire for 30 seconds" for 12 or 13 minutes, the point wouldn't have been made. Fellas, there's editing now. You should use it.Anna's Storm (84 words) Plucky small-town mayor sees her town through a shower of meteor strikes while they await The Big One. You know what? I kind of liked it. It was cheesy and sentimental, but disaster movies are gonna do that. The acting was good, it stayed realistic and didn't go all hollywood and over-the-top, and overall, I haven't seen a disaster movie in a long time, and this fit the bill nicely. I should have hated it, but I didn't at all, not even a little.Anna And The Apocalypse (13 words) 'Glee' with zombies. For real. Very nearly embarrassing enough to actually be entertaining. Another Soul 🗑 (16 words) Bottom-of-the-barrel, by-the-numbers cliched possession story. Like "Paranormal Activity" with even worse acting and less filmmaking skill. Antrum (51 words) Interesting. Mockumentary segments bookend a simulated but very authentic 1970s amateur home-made horror movie about a kid trying to dig a pit to hell in the woods. Actually, if you ignore the documentary segments, sets its sights so low, and is such a convincing "home movie", that it's kind of entertaining. The Apparition (65 words) Picture, in your mind, a movie about Ashley Greene and her husband moving into a haunted house, which at one point contains the lines "It wants US. It feeds on life. We opened a window into our world, and now it wants to come through." This is exactly the movie you're thinking of... except, this movie's ending makes less sense than the movie you're imagining. The Arrangement (81 words) A truly strange sub-TV-movie with the most intricate plot I've seen. People's faces appear in a polaroid before they die. Some cops investigate, but they may be involved, I don't know, the whole thing has a lot of characters and a lot going on and a lot of twists and turns and it's all really confusing the director was not in any way capable of pulling it off. And the acting is terrible actors giving it an admirable amount of gung-ho.Artifice Girl 🤔 (164 words) Not a bad little sci-fi movie. Not great, but definitely not bad. Very talky and geeky but I kind of like that. A man invents an AI 11 year old girl to lure predators online, and then it follows him and the development of the AI over the course of his life, along the way with a lot of very familiar-seeming exposition inquiring into the nature of consciousness and where the line between simulated life and actual life is. Not the most original story, but pretty well told in that talky way that I like my sci-fi. Kind of like a little younger cousin to my big fave "Ex Machina". Bonus: The inventor is played as an old man by Lance Hendriksen, who is the last character to die in the movie, thus finally proving that, while Lance Hendriksen is always the last to die in horror movies, him being the last to die in a movie does not necessarily make it a horror movie.As Above, So Below (205 words) Archaeologist looks for the Philosopher's Stone in forbidden parts of the Paris catacombs, finds something much worse than expected, in this rare non-execrable "found footage" film.. 10% Raiders Or The Lost Ark, 5% The Descent, 50% Blair Witch Project, but about 35% its own thing, which is pretty good for a movie like this. This had all the makings of a bad movie, first off by being a first-person shooter, but it's someone somewhere along the way knew a little too much about how to actually make a movie, and managed to fill it with enough cool style to make up for the thin substance... might be a good date movie. For a piece of trifle with almost no plot they actually managed to make it fairly gripping. Ending is sort of an anticlimax though... they go through their travails, then when the movie is long enough, the travails come to an end, and that's it. Rewatchability is decent up to that point, though. Just don't go in expecting much, and when you get a little, you'll be happy. (And remember, I liked "The Inside", too, and like "The Inside", I was surprised to look afterwards and see how low most people rate this film, although not _that_ surprised.) A Sound Of Thunder (109 words) An old-school Ray Bradbury fan like myself couldn't miss, just from the title and a one-sentence summary, that this is an adaptation of a classic Bradbury short story. This being Hollywood, almost the first 15 minutes are true to the original story. The rest is a vastly different, make-up-the-rules-as-they-go-along Hollywood-blockbuster-y attempt to capture some of those lucrative Jurassic Park moviegoing dollars, by finding an excuse to put overgrowth and dinosaurs in in Manhattan chasing scientists around. I wonder... maybe this was a good movie, but then someone accidentally went into the distant past and... changed something... and we got this instead. Yet another lesson not to mess with the timestream.Assimilate (123 words) Invasion Of The Body Snatchers remade yet again, this time as a teen scream movie. I don't mean that facetiously, it really is an explicit Invasion Of The Body Snatchers remake. Considering the entire range of things a teen scream remake of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers could turn out to be, this one is probably near the best end of the possible outcomes. It's entertaining enough, for a teen scream, and is peppered with some occasional really nice touches. There have definitely been some worse remakes of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers than this, if you're ok with teen scream movies. Rewatchability: maybe okay. I could see sitting through it again someday. I'd rather watch this again than the Nicole Kidman one. The Assistant (60 words) Anyone who has ever worked a dreadfully dull, bottom-rung office Admin Assistant job for uncaring, disrespectful employers will already be familiar with this movie, and ask themselves why they relived it, and nothing more than that, by watching this. How they got that great actress who played Ruth on Ozark to sign on to this plotless tedium is beyond me. A Star Is Born (Lady Gaga remix) (114 words) A Bradley Cooper film. Those too young to remember "Love Story" might not be aware of the hallowed tradition of "blockbuster" contrived tearjerker love story crapola, but Cooper seems to specialize in them. This should be put in a double feature with "Silver Linings Playbook", and then both of them tied together and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Lady Gaga sings very well though. I actually am kind of a fan of Gaga, except for her awful music. She seems to have enormous talent and artistic integrity in most everything she does, except as a songwriter. I still would like to know how that powerful voice comes out of a 5'1"person.A Stranger In The Woods (81 words) A first person shooter that falls into the common 1PS trap of way too much exposition before anything interesting happens, and stretches it out so that takes up 4/5 of the movie, as a film student goes out to interview a reclusive old man at his remote house, with long over-the-shoulder shots of the tediously uninteresting interview scenes in which nothing happens and the student's words are barely audible, and then, spends the last 1/5 just plain not making any sense at all.A Texas Funeral (42 words) a stellar cast (Martin Sheen, Robert Patrick) talking in regrettable fake southern accents nearly sank this off-kilter magical realist southern family drama for me. It was ok, though. Family that fought on camels in the Civil War gets together for grandpa's funeral.Atlanta [tv series] 🧡 (121 words) What can I say about Atlanta that hasn't been said? This show started good and only got better. An incredibly well-acted, often poetic, well-written depiction of life of an up-and-coming rapper and his crew. Lots of very realistic, three-dimensional character study, peppered with frequent surrealism and deadpan comedy, unusual takes on race issues not often seen in mainstream media, an absolute refusal to be bound by TV or genre conventions, and occasional usually-successful experimental episodes that depart partially or entirely from the main characters and plot of the series. In my mind, one of the consistently best TV series ever made. When a new season comes out, I actually save this one until I'm ready to sit and take it in.Attack Of The Unknown 💩 (66 words) In Los Angeles, a bunch of tough-as-nails cops, soldiers, and criminals who look like actors and models shoot guns at rubbery aliens with CGI tentacles, while CGI spaceships appear in the sky and suck rooftops into the air. And, ok, of the movies that that could possibly describe, this is one of the best possible ones. It has a certain USA-Up-All-Night-iness that entertained me very well. Automata (46 words) Antonio Banderas stars as an insurance investigator for a robotics company in a vaguely watchable post-"Blade Runner", post-"I, Robot"movie about domestic robots coming to life, or something. I didn't pay that much attention, but the cinematography was good and the robots were cool.The Autopsy Of Jane Doe (61 words) Not so bad. Small movie with a primary cast of just two people (three if you include the corpse) consisting mostly of an increasingly creepy autopsy in a small-town morgue. Unfortunately, after two acts of nicely increasing creepiness, goes a little too far over the top in the third act. But still an okay view. Very well-executed for what it is.A Vanishing On 7th St. (152 words) Darkness descends on the world in the form of an unexplained momentary global black out, during and after which everybody standing in a dark enough area spontaneously disappears from their clothes, rapture style, for unexplained reasons. Random voices are heard in the darkness, fresh batteries randomly start dying in minutes, and the sun stops rising, also for unexplained reason, until a couple of children survive for unexplained reasons until the sun starts coming up again for unexplained reasons. Occasional vaguely creepy SFX as people turn into shadows, darkness assumes vague, half-seen human forms, and random voices, possibly of dead people, echo in the darkness — which are all diminished by the rest of the time, when the creeping darkness and "shadow people" just look totally like fake animation effects. Starts Not Mark Wahlberg (Hayden Christensen) as Mark Wahlberg's character, and Not Halle Berry (the uncharacteristically disappointing, over-histrionic Thandie Newton) as Halle Berry's character.Await Further Instructions (167 words) Ok, I like this one. What starts out as a very slow, almost dreadfully british film somewhere along very roughly the lines of "Coherence" — turn a normal gathering (in this case a family of unpleasant almost dreadfully British people) in a house into an increasingly desperate situation (in this case the house exits all being sealed from outside and the television issuing increasingly strange commands) and see what happens — gives absolutely no clue for the first two acts as to how far over-the-top it's going to go by the end. How ridiculous it is, and how uninspired the storytelling and one-dimensional the characters are, is compensated for by the fact that it's not really much like anything I've seen before. Really, you've got to admire its fidelity to itself. In someways, it's a decent throwback to '50s monster movies. It decides where it's going to go, and sticks to it, and doesn't tip its hand early on just what an absurd length that's going to be.Awaiting (14 words) Empty, banal torture/capitivity porn. Male victim this time, english moors this time. Yawn. B (51 reviews)The Babadook 🧡 (229 words) Oh, my beloved "The Babadook". It could so not work, but it really does. So well-directed. A genuinely scary movie. Mother and young son deal with the pain of losing dad, and a monster which may or may not be the manifestation of that loss.I consider this one a classic, full stop.I've had friends say they found it disappointing. And I can understand that, I suppose, considering how some viewers may have grown used to being spoonfed by modern horror. This film has actual plot and character development that you have to sit through. A lot of this film's runtime is just the psychological dynamics of a deteriorating mother/son relationship (and possibly also the deteriorating mental health of one or both) with the scenes of traditional scares only coming as brief emotional punctuation marks.Consider, on the other hand, that this also has a 98% critics' approval rating on "Rotten Tomatoes". And William Friedkin, director of "The Exorcist", after seeing it, updated his Twitter profile to read, "Psycho, Alien, Diabolique, and now THE BABADOOK" and called it "the scariest movie I've ever seen." A number of critics called it not just the best horror film of its year or decade, but one of the best films of any genre.So, it's not for everyone. But it's very much for a lot of people. I'm one of them. Backcountry (85 words) what looks like it's going to be a survival flick about a gorgeous couple lost in the woods pursued by a psycho slasher turns out to be a survival flick about a gorgeous couple lost in the woods pursued by a rabid bear. Somewhere between "The Long Weekend", except with vacationing backcountry hikers instead of vacationing beach campers and minus the ominous hint of the supernatural, and "Open Water", except with vacationing backcountry hikers instead of vacationing scuba divers and minus the morbidly poetic execution. Backwoods (42 words) The capsule description for this "psycho yokels" movie starts, "A group of friends embark on a camping trip for a ten-year high school reunion." That's all you need to know. Whatever you're imagining comes next is as imaginative as what actually does.Bad Behavior (27 words) I like it. A very decent captivity/desperation film about a schizophrenic teenager keeping his siblings and babysitter captive in the bathroom while their parents are away.Bad Hair 👍 (242 words) Wow. This ludicrous horror spoof, set in 1989, about a young black woman attempting to climb the ladder in the music video industry just as white kids are once again starting to spend money on R&B, starts off as a pretty hip social satire on selling out and the commodification of race, in which the cultural evil of needing to get a weave to have "good hair" is transformed into the supernatural evil of having to feed it fresh blood to keep it. Eventually it settles down into an action/horror satire, and actually remains pretty entertaining throughout, considering the silliness of the basic material and how straight-faced they play it. Along the way it touches on racial tensions inside of black society, and probably ultimately could have had a lot more to say. But what it said, it said well, and it was kind of nice to see a movie with so many realistic three-dimensional depictions of black women, who comprise a good part of the cast, without seeming preachy or contrived—just kind of telling a story from a cultural point of view you hear about but don't see firsthand very often. I liked it, it was worth a watch, even after it strayed too far into Buffy-style wink-and-a-nod over-the-top "horror" tropes. (Note: turns out to be from the same guy who made "Dear White People", another film that dealt with race issues in a way that I really liked.)Bad Match (63 words) Ok, what starts off as "Fatal Attraction" for millennials takes a cruel twist into a little more of a descent into madness than you'd expect at the outset. Far from perfect, and still kind of predictable, but ultimately a genuinely nasty little movie in its way, which redeems it from being totally derivative, totally predictable crap. I'll say it just makes the cut.Bad Trip (86 words) In this movie, Eric Andre plays Sacha Baron Cohen in "Borat". Probably the least funny thing Eric Andre has ever done, which means, still a little funny. I did laugh out loud like twice, so, funnier than not watching anything at all, and in fact funnier than many things I have watched. Still, there's plenty of better things to get your Eric Andre fix from. Although having the outtakes and reveals where they tip off the unwitting victims under the closing credits is a nice idea.Barbarians (151 words) Did we really need another movie like this? Uncomfortable dinner in the English countryside between two young couples with an obvious uncomfortable history gets increasingly uncomfortable until, in a stunningly original piece of plotting, masked guys unexpectedly break in and start brutalizing them. Iwan Rheon is better than this. The tables turn repeatedly as the victims and the intruders repeatedly manage to overpower one another, the movie ends as soon as the violence does just in case you though anything besides the violence was the point, and the whole thing is rendered terribly English by pretentious title cards dividing it up needlessly into "chapters" and saving the title card for the end of the movie with a sudden "bam" sound to underscore that it's supposed to have some sort of impact. I suppose if you've never seen a gratiutous bloodbath before it might, but really, what moviegoer hasn't at this point?Barricade (81 words) middling supernatural captivity flick. Father and children go to visit a secluded cabin where unexplained, increasingly surreal and scary things happen, almost reminiscent of of a backwoods, thankfully much less over-the-top and insulting-to-the-intelligence version of the ludicrous "408". Actually directed well enough that individual scenes are creepy. I wouldn't go out of my way to watch it, but if you need occasionally distracting horror media wallpaper for an hour and a half, eh, it works. Don't try to follow the story, though.Baskets [tv series] 👍 (50 words) A somehow undiscovered drama/comedy gem with Zach Galifianakis playing both an emotionally complicated rodeo clown and his straight-laced twin brother, with Louie Anderson playing their mother.This was Zach Galifianakis's moment, and nobody knows about it. And I say that pretty much already generally liking everything else he's done.Beacon Point (21 words) DV-shot, slick production values, sitcom quality acting and writing, very faintly entertaining mess about hikers who encounter a UFO or something. The Beast Of Xmoor (84 words) pretty original serial killer flick. A gorgeous investigator goes to the deep woods of England in sreach of a cryptid, only to discover she's been led there to film the attempted capture of a serial killer at his remote backwoods dumping ground. A fair handfful of really original elements to this as well as a super intense and dramatic third act. Very british in the way it concerns itself withg telling a story rather than just falling back on convention. I always dig that.The Belko Experiment 💩 (85 words) In this cinematic anti-masterpiece, a corporate headquarters goes on lockdown, and it turns out all the employees have remotely-triggered explosives implanted in their heads, when a voice comes over the loudspeaker and gives them challenges that require them to kill each other or be killed themselves, apparently because, movie. An exceptionally violent, bloody, pointless movie, just violence as entertainment, but, for one of those, actually kind of good cheezy fun. John C. McGinley plays a slightly different character than he usually does, which is fun.Benjamin (84 words) Ensemble "comedy" (in only the loosest sense of the word) in which a family gathers for an intervention on the belief that a son is smoking crystal meth. Proves that even a remarkable assemblage of modern comedy royalty can't save an effort that doesn't bother to ever aspire to rise above "nutty" cliches and trite, predictable emotional touch points. Strictly formulaic and never funny. Seems to have been written by marketers, or maybe by an AI. Not a hint of inspiration anywhere in here. Bereavement (85 words) run-of-the-mill captivity and torture by a psycho in an abandoned slaughterhouse, pretty pedestrian, but, I dunno, something about it is kind of engaging. I enjoyed it an iota more than I'd ordinarily enjoy this sort of cliched pic. Maybe it's slightly better made than most. The bad guy is Buffalo Bill rehashed, but done well. Some sudden moments of extraordinary brutality. Apparently it's a prequel, I found out later. (Sheer coincidence... the first one came on as I was writing this. It was totally forgettable.)Besetment (199 words) Sub-"USA Up All Nite" D-grade captivity flick in which a gorgeous girl is held by the owner of a rural motel and her son. Pretty much a home movie, with acting and production values that seem like they just rounded up whoever was around and made this thing. And yet, for what it is, actually kind of good, just because it's unflinchingly nasty in the few moments when it gets down to business. Kind of like a really, really good home movie. Plus it has a totally derivative Goblin-style synth soundtrack which should seem trite but in this context helps (except when it's directly mimicking Halloween instead, which is annoying). I think if this came out in 1972 it would have been almost a camp classic. Almost. Wes Craven got pretty famous doing stuff of not much above this caliber. Either way, a suprisingly pleasant enough diversion if you're in the mood for complete trash. (Edit: turns out the woman who plays the psycho in this is a veteran character actress who had parts on "Marcus Welby", "Dynasty", even starred with Elvis in one of his movies in the '60s. That could explain the odd, inexplicable cut-above-complete-trash quality.)Better Things [tv series] 👍 (34 words) Pamela Adlon out-"Louie"s Louie in this slice-of-life series about three generations of foul-mouthed women trying to get by. A charming, realistic, funny, undiscovered gem. Deserved its five-season run and never got old.Between The Trees (64 words) For a shitty, poorly-written, poorly-acted "to-dimensional he-man hunters besieged by rednecks and/or monsters at a cabin in the remote woods" flick, actually, not that bad. It's paced and shot like a 70s slasher flick, it kind of seems like maybe a lousy writer and actors somehow got a good director to try to fix things. So, a terrible movie, but, has its moments. Beyond Paranormal (Director's Cut) (81 words) Strange movie. Typical D-grade awful, amateurish horror flick in which a gorgeous actress becomes possessed by the spirit of herself talking with a bad southern accent. But: has moments where the cinematography is really good, which is so completely out of place. There's a couple of isolated moments where there's no dialog or human acting, just other things happening, and I'm like, "Whaaaaa? This movie just got really good for a second." And then, 20 seconds later, back to pure garbage. Funny.Birdman (191 words) Like a caricature of a "Best Picture Oscar Winner"... all the signifiers are here. A complete, pristinely-polished exercise in navel contemplation. Every performance screams, "ACTING!", every soliloquy screams "DRAMATIC WRITING!", the cinematography screams, "CINEMATOGRAPHY!" Despite some good feints in which it appears to be about to descent into complete cliche and then doesn't, nonetheless it's as pretentious as they come, wearing it's "great movie" aspirations on its sleeves, without ever actually saying anything that I could relate to or care about... as perhaps best exemplified by totally unnecessary "look what I can do!" technical exercise of making most of the movie look like one long continuous shot, as if "gee whiz" factor is a substitute for entertainment. All the pretense even renders the extremely cool solo-drumming-only soundtrack into complete contrived artifice, in this context. Granted, complete contrived artifice /can/ work, but it still has to say something. Here, it doesn't. The little bits of magical realism, like his never-commented-on telekinetic abilities, don't help, either. I bet the people who love this also loved "Being John Malkovich", another film that pulls the rug out from under itself by trying waaaaaay too hard.Bite (37 words) woman gets bitten by a strange bug on vacation, holes up in her apartment and slowly devolves into a monster. Now, picture the movie you're imagining from that description, and then, make it cornier and less believable.Black Bear (153 words) God save us from hipsters making indie movies about themselves. You see a movie has Aubrey Plaza and Sarah Gadon, you're gonna think, "What's not to like?" Well, plenty. Another painfully "indie" movie that seems to be in love with itself, and what's worse, a movie nominally about hipsters making an indie movie, which, being a painfully indie hipster movie, is mostly a setting for them to do nothing but argue with each other and be dysfunctional, because apparently that's some sort of statement or supposed to be entertaining. The only way this movie could be less interesting is if they cut out all the irritating characters, which would leave us with a shot of an empty cabin for 90 minutes. (NB it was long after this that I discovered Plaza's also catastrophically pretentious and irritating "A Night With Beverly Luff-Linn", and began to realize she may be a warning sign, not an attraction.)The Blackcoat's Daughter (123 words) Emma Roberts and Kiernan Shipka in a movie so slow and boring that it slid right past my brain. Something about a girl stuck in a boarding school over recess and another hitching a ride, and they stab people at the end. Guys, it takes more than a creepy score all by itself to sustain a movie. Reading a review, it turns out both actresses are supposed to be the same character. Kind of emblematic of how this movie doesn't accomplish anything at all. (LOL, only after writing this did I discover that this is the same director as "I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives In The House", another other movie that I once wrote I couldn't remember soon after seeing it.)Black Rock (30 words) I didn't know what drew Katie Asleton or Lake Bell to this very standard captivity/stalking-through-the-woods fare (directed by Aselton) but it's only that casting that makes it slightly watchable. The Black Room (68 words) I know this can't be a made-for-TV horror movie aimed at preteens, because of all the tits. Other than that, it seems to be. Execrable, embarrassing film about an incubus. Awfully directed, cheaply made, no effort into making the sfx realistic, worst digital fx ever, even the makeup and costumes are just lousy. Even a c-list actress like Natasha Henstridge should be embarrassed to be involved in this.The Black String (65 words) Poor-to-middling horror picture about a guy who picks up a case of never-quite-explained demonic, er, something from a one-night-stand that causes his body to decay and eventually leads hungry demons to him. Saved from complete and utter forgettability by, strangely, a kind of intense performance from Frankie Muniz in the lead, playing well upon the ordinary strangeness that is simply Frankie Muniz as an adult.Black Summer [series] (192 words) Mom tries to cross zombie-infested Los Angeles to find her daughter. The Walking Dead, except with fast zombies instead of slow zombies, and any plot considerations totally replaced by people shooting each other. I can't even figure out how everybody got a gun — everybody has one, but I never heard anybody say, "Here, have a gun" or "Hey, I found some guns!" They're all assault rifles, too. UPDATE: I don't know if I'm watching a remake or an expanded cut or a new season or whatever, but it's much better than this original review. Maybe I missed a couple of episodes on the first view? Worst episodes are still like halfway decent walking dead episodes, but some of them are quieter, almost black mirror-style (in terms of mood) vingettes, more realism than a lot of zombie fare, and everybody definitely doesn't have a gun now. There's a weird "Lord Of The Flies" type episode that takes place as they try to shelter in a school they thought was abandoned but isn't; followed by most of an episode of one unarmed guy trying to escape from one zombie and it's actually really watchable. The Black Thread (46 words) sub-mediocre supernatural thriller about a guy whose life is ruined by a curse he picked up by sleeping with a woman he met through a 1-900 chatline, improbably redeemed only by an increasingly unhinged and actually kind of intense performance from Frankie Munoz of all people.The Blair Witch Project (109 words) [Posted on IMDB] In this terrifying true life story, two inventive filmmakers make a cursed horror movie which, although pretty decent itself, casts a foul spell that forces every lazy, terrible wannabe horror director who see it in the next 25 years to say "Hey, I could do that too" and copy it with their own inferior, deathly dull, derivative "found footage" horror attempt. Millions of bored viewer hours are wasted not being scared, Netflix is overrun with dreadfully dull "horror" films, and, in the end, the entire horror genre is nearly destroyed. Will the horror genre survive this dreadful curse? Nobody knows the end of the story. Stay tuned.The Blazing World (280 words) Ok, so interesting.This is not a very good movie. A young girl, whose twin sister drowned while they were playing as a child and she hallucinated Udo Kier beckoning her towards a strange portal while her parents wailed, comes back as a young woman to party with her friends and visit the house. Halfway through, she switches to a fantasy world where she learns her sister may still be trapped, and encounters phantasmagorical visions of people she knows as she wanders a desert and tries to free her.It's visually well-made, reminiscent of if Guillermo Del Toro tried to retell "Alice In Wonderland" as the sort of disturbingly off-kilter film Udo Kier might star in. It uses a very classic, '40s or '50s style orchestral score, and once it gets going—which takes a long time—there's a lot of really beautiful costumes, masked characters, etc. In fact, on that level, I would say it worked well enough that I actually enjoyed it.The problem is, it takes half the film before the fantasy sequence begins. And once it does, though it's nice to look at, it kind of retreads familiar ground—it desperately wants to be, say, "Mirrormask", but just isn't quite there in terms of story telling.Unfortunately it takes more than good costume design and a moderately successful attempt to evoke classic studio-age movie production flourishes to make a great movie. I desperately want to label this an interesting enough failure to watch, but unfortunately, it's not quite. Still, it's now too terrible and it is cinematically beautiful in places, so maybe worth a watch if there's really nothing else but bottom-tier movies on. The Block Island Sound (11 words) Man with a boat goes crazy in a fairly boring way.Blood (52 words) WOW. Won film festival prizes. Tarkovsky meets Cronenberg. Very slow moving, horror without scares. Focuses on characters, 70's-ish in the same way Beyond The Black Rainbow was. Scientist finally finds 20 year old girl he genetically engineered to have narcotic blood, rescues her from junkie former scientists holding her captive for her blood. Blood (2023) 🤔 (159 words) Entirely watchable supernatural thriller. Michelle Monaghan moves her family out to the country, where her young son is bit by a sick dog and subsequently develops an overwhelming thirst for blood. It could have gone a lot of different ways, but well-played with low-key intensity as the family goes further and further to try to keep their son alive and satiated as he slowly turns into a monster. Good performance from the young kid, too, playing the son trying to deal with urges he doesn't want but can't fight. And it has maybe two fleetingly short but kind of creepy moments, which is more than the zero you usually get from movies like this.I'm rating this a little highly by putting it under "je nais se quois", it's not necessarily anything special, but... it's watchable for sure. It's not crap. If there's a lot of crap to choose from to watch, and there's this, definitely go with this.Blood Hunters (56 words) Gorgeous single mother wakes up in a remote abandoned medical facility with no memory of how she got there or how she became pregnant. Monsters a la "The Descent" menace her and the other survivors. With that, and the skinny Canadian actor who played Death in "Supernatural", you should have some idea what you're in for. Blood Lands (22 words) gorgeous English couple buys Scotland farmhouse, so locals put on pig masks and chase them around it with axes, because, obviously, movie.Blood Punch (73 words) Continuing the tradition of flawed but interesting films that can be found on Hulu. Two cooking up meth in the woods get caught in a time loop when her psychotic boyfriend shows up. This film desperately wants to be a cult favorite, starts off like it's going to be standard USA Up All Night-quality fare, and gets better and better with each scene, wrapping up in an original and unexpected but satisfying way.Blow (22 words) Ted Demme as Martin Scorsese directs Johnny Depp as Ray Liotta, in "Blow" as "Goodfellas", with cocaine distribution as the Lufthansa heist. Blur (68 words) What a weird movie. An English woman is trapped in her apartment by a demon from some sort of archaeological dig, menaced by floating knives and an eye peering in her vents. It's a really bad movie, uninteresting story and characters, ludicrous plot and unbelievable "scares", but, it's shot really well, and individual scenes, though ridiculous, are somehow really well done, and some of them are individually creepy.Body At Brighton Rock 🤔 💩 (198 words) Wow, talk about a flawed gem.Young park ranger gets lost in the woods, finds a body, has to sit tight until morning waiting for rescue. For the first 20 minutes of this movie, I assumed it was a 1980s "USA Up All Nite"-type d-grade picture. It wasn't until she pulled out an iPhone and took selfies that I realized it was new.The acting is crap, directing is crap, everything about it is amateurish and crap. But then, she spends the night out in the woods, and I have to say, it's exactly the kind of movie I like, but could never recommend to anyone else.Nowhere near as poetic as, say, Open Water, another bomb that I love, but I have to say, it's effectively creepy just for the setup, as she slowly creeps herself out wandering around the woods at night all by herself. Even the handful of predictable scares didn't ruin it for me. It kind of combined my love for crap "USA Up All Nite" pics with my love for solitary survival pics, so, works for me.I imagine I'll watch it again, although I can't speak for anybody else on that one.Bokeh (22 words) boring as hell drama about an unlikeable gorgeous couple doing nothing interesting in Iceland after everyone else in the world inexplicably disappears.The Boo (26 words) pretty bad, stiffly-acted, amateurish southern gothic. widow and brother of dead man recovering from the death, when her doppleganger haunts local bars and picks up meen.Booksmart (47 words) "Superbad" as a TV movie with girls instead of guys. The two leads are genuinely likable and have real chemistry, and the humor is good, but the try-hard over-quirkiness, contrived situations, and inclusion of too many familiar teen movie tropes and stereotypes wears a little bit thin.The Boy (112 words) Lauren Cohan stars as a gorgeous nanny hired by an elderly english couple in a remote mansion to care for what she thinks is their son but turns out to be a life-sized doll... until things begin to move around the house. Plenty of fridge logic abounds but I didn't notice it until the a few minutes after the credits rolled and Lauren Cohan had left the screen. She is, I should add, a pretty good actress, as these things go... actually, better than this material. But I would probably enjoy a movie of Lauren Cohan just walking around an empty room for 90 minutes. And this was actually even more than that.Breaking The Waves 🧡 (538 words) My favorite film by my favorite director.Wait, ok. A little virtue-signalling never hurt anyone, so I'll point out: From everything I've read and seen, director Lars von Trier seems to me like kind of a disturbed or unbalanced individual, very likely a misogynist, misanthrope, almost definitely a narcissist, and probably personally an all-around malignant asshole. And also, I think, easily the most talented filmmaker of the last few decades. Not since Herzog or Tarkovsky have I seen someone who just struck me as so adept in the language of filmmaking, such a natural talent.Breaking The Waves is a straight drama. Set on a remote Scottish island, where an American there working on an oil right has fallen in love with a local, who is a member of the island's ultra-religious church. They marry, when he is injured in an explosion on the rig, and their relationship takes some vintage LvT perverse turns on his way back to health.The movie is as perverse and disturbing in some ways, and in the same ways, as many of LvT's movies have been accurately criticized for. Several leading actresses, including Helena Bonham Carter who was apparently fine playing the lead in "Fight Club", turned down the female lead because they were uncomfortable with the character's sexual behavior. The actress who eventually got the role, Emily Watson, who went on to become a highly respected actress, was expelled from her college when the film came out for participating in what they considered depravity.I've tried a few times to tell friends about the details this movie, but it's hard to do justice to it, and relating the plot alone, without seeing it unfold yourself under LvT's control, doesn't capture it.It is a sick, beautiful, touching, beautiful, disturbing, beautiful movie. It has a million tiny moments of directorial brilliance. It has an ending that still gives me chills down my spine when I think of it.It's worth pointing out that LvT's magnum opus, according to some people (including me), is "Antichrist", a truly horrible movie that completely divorces the idea of great filmmaking from any sort of entertainment value. I can honestly say it's a great film, certainly far and away the best movie I would never, ever suggest anybody watch. And it makes a certain amount of sense he eventually got to that from this.He also made "The House That Jack Built", which seemed like a deliberate attempt to quickly drive his critics out of the movie theater in disgust, before then rewarding everyone sick, foolish, or optimistic enough to stay. Again: LvT seems like kind of an asshole.But despite some very strong and occasionally unpleasant moments, there's more than enough beauty here to make "Breaking The Waves" an exceptionally great movie.For what it's worth, since it may sound like it's difficult to praise unambiguously, it did win the Grand Prize at Cannes, "Best Actress" nominations for Emily Watson from BAFTA and the Oscars, and took Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress, and Best Cinematographer from the National Society of Film Critics that year, as well as Best Director, Best Actress, and Best Cinematographer from the NY Film Critics Circle. It's a really well-made movie. The Breed 👍 (165 words) The descriptive blurb they use, "A group of five college kids are forced to match wits with unwelcoming residents when they fly to a 'deserted' island for a party weekend" is accurate, but doesn't quite give away what the movie is actually about.Ok, this is TV-movie quality, but it's 1970s TV-movie quality, back when they occasionally made TV movies that could stick with you, and while nothing spectacular, it's also nothing I've quite seen before, outside of those '70s "nature has it in for man" sci-fi/horror flicks (Bug, Food Of The Gods, etc.)To say more would spoil it. I thought it was fun. It's not a cheezy monster movie, but somehow it might do if you're in a cheesy monster movie mood.Apparently it scored a 15% on rotten tomatoes, which, ok, I mean, yeah, I get it, it's not by any means scary, and not even really very good by most movie standards. But come on, where's people's sense of fun?Brightwood (603 words) I sincerely hope time loop movies don't become a sub-genre. The idea is interesting enough to support maybe 2 or 3 movies, of which 1 or maybe 2 are actually good. And those 1 or maybe 2 have already been made (they're "Triangle" and maybe "Primer", -not even sure on the latter, because it's so confusing nobody has ever figured out if it's actually a good movie or not.)This one is a better-told story than "Lake Artifact", for sure, but that's a pretty low bar to clear, and the fact that the more movies on this theme get made the sloppier and less original they seem to be getting makes me worry it's going to be done to death á la "found footage". Extra poor marks in this for making the characters-there's only two characters in this movie-the sort of bickering, instantly unlikeable couple that some filmmakers, who I assume are themselves in long-term relationships that are less than perfect, seem to think are fascinating to watch carp endlessly at each other, when really they're just tedious and annoying. I wouldn't want to be stuck in a time loop with these people, either, I was tired of them after about 5 minutes. And especially low marks for transparently using the time loop and its variations as a heavy-handed metaphor for the facets of a codependent relationship. Great, director, I'm glad you worked out your relationship issues with 90 minutes of my time. Plus some ideas where just taken directly from"Triangle"(Oh, wait, sorry, here it's earbuds. In "Triangle" it was a necklace, that's a *totally* different idea.)There's a couple of cool scenes and neat ideas here and there, sure, but nothing that wasn't explored much better in, once again, "Triangle", and that film had great plotting, whereas here, a lot of the characters' behavior seems to stem less from any kind of understandable motivation or logic than from the writer saying, "Wouldn't it be cool if they did this?" Like, is there some rule about being in a time loop that says you have to start killing your other selves? Why? Towards the end, a reason does eventually emerge-and to be honest it's a pretty good one, it was the only thing I liked about this movie-but it still doesn't explain at all why they started killing their alternate-timeline selves almost immediately.Strangely, actually, the end of the movie is actually pretty good... in an unusual turn of events, the end kind of redeems an otherwise totally unenjoyable and derivative movie. It's too bad they waited that long, though. The first 2/3 of it is so tedious and predictable that long before it ever got to the belatedly enjoyable denouement, I had already just become annoyed and impatient for it to be over.I actually did like the end enough that I thought for a minute I might eventually watch this movie again-they really pulled off a hail mary pass with the third act-but the truth is, two totally unrelatable, unlikable people bickering at each other just isn't interesting to me, even when you use a time-travel metaphor to make the point "relationships are complicated". The admittedly cool payoff just isn't worth sitting through an hour and fifteen minutes of that again.I checked out the original short, "The Pond". It tells essentially the same story, including pretty much anything and everything that's cool about "Brightwood", but minus the tedious bickering and relationship exploration, in under 17 minutes. That tells you how much of this movie is obsessed with just relationship exploration navel-gazing. And even "The Pond" still, itself, didn't manage to go 16 minutes without ripping off ideas from "Triangle" wholesale.Brockmire [tv series] 🧡 (159 words) I always knew someday Hank Azaria was going to do something I was going to love. I waited and waited and it didn't happen, until "Brockmire". Absolutely a favorite show of mine, following the ups and downs of Azaria as a down-on-his-luck alcoholic baseball announcer. Everyone I've recommended it to has loved it too. Seriously, all you have to do is watch the first episode, and if you don't love it by the end of that first half hour, you can skip it. I actually had one friend call me before the first episode was even over to rave about how much he loved it. It's that good. Trigger warning: It does get a pretty dark in the second season, he hits some pretty low depths. Still, a bona fide gem, one of the funniest shows I've ever seen, and I will never understand why you never hear anybody mention it right alongside the best shows of all time.Bug (1975) 🤔 💩 (328 words) THIS IS IT! You found it-the one, the only BUG, the single greatest cinematic achievement not just in the admittedly crowded field of mid-20th-century apocalyptic giant insect scifi horror film, nor even just in the scifi or horror film genres, but in human motion picture history writ large, itself. The unrelenting cinematic greatness that this movie doles out in heaping helpings upon your uncomprehending cerebellum-line after line, minute after minute, scene after scene, shrieking burning head explosion after shrieking burning head explosion, without pause, from the opening preacher's sermon to the closing descent into the stygian bowels of the earth itself-simply cannot be adequately conveyed within the constraints of this forum. It must be experienced firsthand.The mere fact that this is one of the very few opportunities in American cinema to see a woman's head get set on fire in the Brady Bunch kitchen would likely be among the chief draws of any more ordinary film it might appear in. But this is no ordinary film, and even something that would obviously be the highlight of most movie-goers' entire seasons is here only the very most trivial, the most trifling beginning to the veritable cavalcade of entertainments bestowed upon the lucky viewer of this inestimable apotheosis of thrilling visual storytelling.To say any more would both unfairly rob the viewer of the opportunity to fully experience the unfolding of this stunning film firsthand, and, necessarily fall short in the effort, because words simply can not suffice.Bug. There is no substitute, no other film experience that can compare. On the rarified mountaintop of cinematic achievement, Bug stands alone.If you disagree with a single word of this review, you should know it was written by my 7-year-old self. And my 7-year-old self knows a BUTTLOAD about movies. You are not likely to convince him he's wrong.As of this writing, "Bug" is, happily, currently streaming on Netflix, and the world feels just that much more right.Burning Bright (49 words) Seems a little like a TV movie, but kind of a good one. Irresponsible stepdad accidentally leaves daughter and autistic son locked in the house with a savage tiger during a hurricane. Panicky running, hiding, and lots of growling ensue. No, really, I kinda liked it. Don't expect much.Burying The Ex (43 words) Joe Dante, more comedy than horror... a guy's overly clingy girlfriend, an initially painfully gorgeous Ashley Greene, returns from the dead to mess up his new relationship, while his slovenly friend improbably fucks every gorgeous woman in Los Angeles, two at a time.Bury The Bride 🗑 (447 words) Talk about a serious swing and a miss.A bunch of women having a bachelorette party in a remote cabin when the fiancee and his friends, who appear to basically be Lynyrd Skynyrd, show up. One of the girls—the slutty one, of course, who bounds to first answer the unexpected knock at the cabin door by saying, "the sexy one never gets killed first"—agrees to take off hunting with them for a few hours in a move so stupid you want to shout at the screen, and once they've got her alone, they turn out not to be such nice guys. And in an admittedly neat twist, it turns on NOT to be a captivity pic with deranged country bumpkins menacing the women, but makes a nice pivot in a different direction. Think "30 Days Of Night", set in the south, and with Lynyrd Skynyrd instead of feral, animalistic vampires.And I don't mind giving that spoiler, because, you shouldn't watch this movie. It was directed by Rob Zombie's brother, who appears to have also inherited the same gene for creating occasional horror greatness minus an ability to consistently tie it together into a great filem. And in this case, it could have definitely qualified as something a little above the ordinary, maybe almost been a minor classic (in the manner of his brother's "The Devil's Rejects")—but instead, and this is a shame, it falls straight into the "unwatchable trash" category, for 2 reasons.First, and this is the reason you shouldn't even watch it: the film is virtually unwatchable because, at least on Tubi, the audio is beyond muffled. Lynyrd Skynyrd mumble, drawl, and mutter through it, the heroines growl, whisper and shriek, and you can't understand a damn word of any of it.It's like watching a movie with a bad case of plugged ears. It sounds like they just didn't know you're supposed to mic the actors. I cranked the TV volume all the way up and couldn't make out a word of it, even as the commercial breaks (this was on Tubi) came through loud and clear. This is the first time I've ever needed to turn on the subtitles for an English-language film, and reading the dialogue just makes it hard for me to enjoy a movie.And the dialogue was so muddy, even some of the sutitles just said, "[garbled speech]".Second, it takes almost 40 minutes before the story really starts. It's much too long. It shouldn't take 40 minutes for the first big story beat. The first half was MUCH to slow.After that it would have been alright, if it had been possible to understand a word of it. C (48 reviews)C.A.M. (Contagious Aggressive Mutations) (42 words) Supposedly a first-person shooter about the spread of a new pandemic that turns people into zombies (I know, where do they come up with such original ideas?) but I think it might actually just be a 90 minute recording of a video game.C.O.R.N.: The Field Of Screams 💩 (78 words) You know, weirdly, I liked this strictly B-movie. It was sort of a bad movie that's saved by good direction and kind of a weirdly original approach. Brother and sister get trapped in a farm town taken over by rogue artists who do taxidermy on people. I, you know, kind of enjoyed it, which surprised me. Definitely not one I'd go out of my way to see, but kind of fun for a 2nd rate "teen scream" flick.Cabin Fever (113 words) Ok, now I get why Eli Roth's name is known. His first film, a surprisingly good entry in the vacation-gone-wrong/gorgeous-teenagers-menaced-on-a-trip-to-the-woods gore flick, because the primary villain is not a monster but a flesh-eating disease. There's some unfortunate stereotypical murderous rednecks, and while they threaten to overpower it, they never do. Some predictability keeps this from being a great picture but it's definitely a cut or two above the ilk I expected it to be just like. Much better than Hostel, which I thought was more the work of a hack than most other people seemed to. I see why Eli Roth might have been considered a promising horror director at the time. Cabin Fever 2 (193 words) Spring Fever: Now, this is more like it. This is to horror movies what “Fast Times At Ridgemont High” was to comedies.This is that rare beast, the platonic ideal that every movie that ever tried to be a good bad horror movie was aspiring to be but failed at. Plus, perhaps the most realistic depiction of high school and high school students I’ve ever seen in any movie. Any fan of great cheapo vintage ’70s horror a la Tobe Hooper or David Cronenberg should like this. Also that rare sequel that far outdoes the first film. I loved it. Many people would not appreciate it, I am sure. (NOTE: According to wikipedia, the director requested to have his name removed from the film, and the final film is more a product of the executives and producers. I am floored. Let’s all be glad, for once, that that happened.) (UPDATE: Turns out that director was Ti West, the man who was behind the boring, derivative, and thoroughly overrated cinematic mimeography exercise "The House Of The Devil", released the same year. So let's be thankful his influence was stripped from this romp.)Cabin Girl (101 words) What a weird movie. By about halfway through, I just was waiting for it to be over so I could write the review "Insufferable YouTube girl buys a cabin to livestream her life from, and some bullshit happens." But then in the third act, it suddenly flip-flops and gets good, suddenly it has real plotting and twists and turns into a real horror movie. It's like the best save I've ever seen. The awful first two acts are bad enough that it's still unwatchable, but, given that I sat through that, I'm glad it kind of redeemed itself a little bit.The Cabin In The Woods 👍 (222 words) Leave it to Joss Whedon to take a horror movie, with the standard tropes, in a direction nobody ever has before. Ultimately it's a Joss Whedon movie first, ie a fantasy like everything he does, and a horror movie second. Fun and deserves its status as a classic. (Except for the Sigourney Weaver cameo, which totally breaks suspension of disbelief, because the movie is, like, 80% over, and suddenly you're like, "Hey, that's Sigourney Weaver.") The attention to detail in this movie is unparalleled, there's a lot here for pop culture geeks to scrutinize at extreme length, and if you type the movie's name into a search engine, you'll find they have.Also, I believe, it has the most monsters in it of any movie: in one of many examples of aforementioned geekery, Screen Rant has listed 81 of them. Not to be outgeeked, the Cabin In The Woods Wiki lists over 90 of them (of which, to be fair, 5 are only seen in outtake footage or referred to in production materials) plus a few dozen more mentioned in the novelization and other official related media.Not one of my favorite favorite films, but I definitely enjoy it a lot, have rewatched it multiple times without it losing any of its charm, and expect to continue doing so. The very definition of an honorable mention.Cadaver (58 words) effective cinematography and performances save what could have been pretty middling. A norwegian film with voiceovers that manage not to be as distrating as overdubs usually are, in which a postapocalyptic millionnaire invites the starving public to his hotel for a show where layer upon layer of deception unfold. Could have gone either way, but I liked it. The Call (2022) (67 words) Teenage bullies drive a woman to suicide, so her husband forces them to take a strange phone call which is her exacting her revenge from the other side. a c-grade horror movie that somehow got Tobin Bell and Lin Shaye to star in it, making it a strange hodgepodge of occasionally creepy and intense, because, Tobin Bell and Lin Shaye, but, mostly boring c-grade horror movie crap.Cam (60 words) Madeline Brewer, who always seems to pick at least faintly interesting projects, in what could easily have been a slightly titillating Black Mirror episode, as a cam girl who finds her account, and identity, have been usurped by an impostor. Ultimately a little unsatisfying, as it leaves questions unanswered, but entertaining enough, in that "pretty good Black Mirror episode" way. Camp Pleasant Lake 🗑 (22 words) 20 years after a family disappears, a masked slasher kills people at a rural camp. HOW do they come up with these ideas???Cargo (78 words) Quiet post-apocalyptic zombie drama finds Martin Freeman carrying his baby through an australian wasteland full of carrion and infected people, with an aboriginal girl in tow. Not even really a horror movie or thriller, just a drama. Martin Freeman gives a quiet, intense performance that's a credit to him, having adventures and misadventures trying to find somewhere safe to bring his child. Worked for me. Wikipedia says it's a tribute to The Road and I can see it. Carnage Park (42 words) Of course the lone hick has tunnels and a torture dungeon under his backcountry cabin. Set in the desert this time. With the likeable girl from "An American Haunting", I think, who looks like a young version of my aunt Muriel.---Carriers (43 words) Chris Pine and Piper Perabo in an alright post-viral-apocalyptic road pic where everybody who's not in hazmat suits is gorgeous, if you like post-viral-apocalyptic road pics or Chris Pine or Piper Perabo or films where everybody who's not in hazmat suits is gorgeous.Case 39 (59 words) I have no idea how they got renee zellwger, ian mcshane, and that guy bradley who I guess is good-looking to star in this crap horror thriller about a social worker who adopts a little girl who is evil or demonic or something and kills people because, movie. Maybe they all had a contractual obligation to discharge or something. Caught (2017) 🤔 (283 words) Hmmm. Hmmmmmmmm. Hmmmm.What starts as a dreadfully slow, very British take on a home invasion/captivity flick a la "Funny Games"—something I'm immediately put off by—turns out, very slowly, to be something a little more... but then, exactly what, is never revealed, which is frustrating.In 1972, a journalist couple who has been poking around a mysterious military operation our on the moors receives a visit from a very oddly-mannered couple, "Mr. and Mrs. Blair", who want to ask them a few questions, and proceed to brutalize and take them captive.Honestly, pretty bad movie, and the fact that nothing is explained or resolved makes it doubly frustrting.But at the same time, the acting is, er, strange enough to be a little engaging. The oddball performances of Mr. & Mrs Blair, as they slowly get stranger and stranger, is somehow a little interesting, especially the actress who plays Mrs. Blair, who starts off seeming not quite human, and gets more animalistic from there. Mrs. Blair asks, "Is this a photo of your daughter?" to which the father replies, "Yes, do you like it?" She glares at him for a moment before shouting sternly, "I. DO. NOT. DECIDE!" Good fun.I don't know. I certainly can't recommend it as a good movie. And the complete lack of an explanation is just annoying. But it was, er, oddly interesting enough that after it ended I went back and re-watched the parts of the beginning I hadn't initially paid a lot of attention to because I was lost by how talky they were. It's not common that I'm interested enough to do that.So.... hmmmmmm.No, not a very good movie. But still, hmmmmmmm.Cause Of My Death (180 words) a landmark film in that takes every poor convention of "found footage" films —truly lousy improv "acting", 25 minutes of plotless footage showing nothing but two intensely boring people going about their day, digital effects we've seen a million times before (a guy is "scary" because one eye suddenly rolls up separately from the other, a woman has some sort of bug zipping around under her skin), cameras running in scenes when nobody would ever bother filming, like when they're running from a demon, but somehow not capturing when characters are unconscious or have memory lapses, and of course stilted justifications for"always filming"—and somehow manages to make them worse than ever before: includes dream sequences and apparent flashbacks somehow captured by the camera, senseless nonlinear narrative and jump cuts between scenes with no explanation or reason. It seems like "found footage" has finally just gone from "here's an idea where this filmed evidence gets left over" to nothing more than"We don't want to pay a cameraman for our lousy movie, we'll just have the actors hold the camera."Cave (33 words) Ok thriller, looks like a horror movie but no monsters or supernatural. Three people go cave diving, mild jealousy and murder ensue. I think it's Danish or something, the audio sounds like overdubs. Centigrade (40 words) Couple falls asleep in a car and gets buried when a blizzard snows them in. Another example of the kind of stuck-in-a-hopelessly-remote-location survival film I like so well, although, probably my least favorite of those. Still one of them, though.Chained (58 words) Strangely underappreciated, moody film focusing on the human elements, rather than the violent ones, of the relationship between a child and the serial killer abductor raising him as his own in captivity in a remove farmhouse. Directed by the same woman as Jennifer's Body, another film I thought, while not great, was a cut above the usual fare.Chariot (114 words) Despite the presence of the always-welcome Rosa Salazar, this is a painfully less-interesting-than-it-wants-to-be, weird-for-its-own-sake outing in the manner of "Being John Malkovich"—who also happens to play a supporting role in this, in a ridiculous orange-dyed perm—only less inventive. A woman is introduced by two names at a party, and it's explained, "She shares her body with a 56-year-old Englishman", then for the second half of the movie talks in a British accent. Another character floats instead of walking, and when someone asks, "What's his deal?", they're told, "He floats." If these sorts of things, all by themselves, are an adequate substitute for any kind of substance to you, enjoy. Not for me. Charlotte (21 words) anthology seemingly aimed at 12-year-olds. A babysitter is held captive by a creepy doll and forced to watch terrible horror vingettes.The Cleanse (90 words) Johnny Galecki and Anna Friel, whom I failed to recognize from "Pushing Daisies", in something that qualifies as a horror movie about as much as "Gremlins" does. Better creature FX than gremlins, nowhere near the plot and amusement. Participants at a wellness retreat have their "cleansed" toxins come to life as monstrous creatures. Entertaining enough until it turns entirely predictable and by-the-numbers. Which is disappointing, because it initially goes so far beyond the pale so fast that it suckers you right into a totally unbelievable premise from very early on. Clinton Road (83 words) maybe the lowest-budget, worst-lit and worst-recorded film I've ever seen. Looks like a student film... that's high-school student, not film school. How did they get Ice-T and Big Pussy from the Sopranos to make cameos in this piece of garbage? Something about trying to find out what happened to a woman who disappeared on the titular road, plus a little girl and biker dude running around in pancake makeup to indicate that they look scary. Nothing is really explained and it doesn't matter. Coherence 👍 (73 words) Interesting sci-fi entry about a dinner party suddenly caught in a vortex of parallel universes. It's so embarrassing when you can't tell if your dinner guests are still the same people from your own dimension that you invited.Low-key but thought-provoking enough to be a fun view. Nobody will ever call this a great movie, but the story is pretty different, and it's kind of a low-key personal favorite of mine, for sure.Cold Blows The Wind 💩 🗑 (111 words) Absolutely execrable, bottom-of-the-barrel mess of a horror movie (shot on video, no less, so it looks like a bad TV show) about a couple that accidentally kills a jogger while driving drunk, buries him in the woods by their house where for never-explained reasons "things don't stay dead", and, simultaneously, are visited by a woman possessed by some sort of evil spirit. But, it's so over the top, somehow, I find it entertaining. The terrible actors really try their darnedest to commit, and somehow don't even seem embarrassed to be in this movie. I was mildly entertained by how something this bad even can exist.Don't watch it. It's really awful. Cold Prey (48 words) A not-bad entry in the psycho-picking-off-teenagers-in-a-remote-location genre. but snow fields instead of woods this time, which is refreshing. Set in the norwegian outback, in an abandoned lodge. Goes on a bit long, but if you're gonna watch something in this genre, this is a decently creepy, non-annoying one. The Collection (25 words) "Saw", but with over-the-top Hollywood excess rather than the British restraint that made it good. Very stylish, I'll give it that, like a music video. The Color Yellow (94 words) One of those execrable movies that seems like someone got together all their friends to film a home movie "horror movie". In the first 15 minutes they show a "monster" that's obviously a guy in a yellow hazmat suit wearing a rubber mask. The lead actress is really kinda cute so I left it on in the background and watched youtube videos on my laptop the rest of the time, so I have no idea what else it was about. They show some guys who are supposed to be scientists and stuff at one point.Colossal (56 words) Picture this: Cloverfield, except, half a world away, Anne Hathaway and Jason Sudeikis are in a romantic comedy, and it turns out that the giant monster is just duplicating their movements. For real. Ok, I give them some credit for the sheet audacity of trying to make romcom monster movie, but not much more than that. Columbo [tv series] (273 words) Yep, I got sucked into watching all 16 seasons of this. Kind of a misnomer, though, as—I never knew this—"Columbo "wasn't a TV series, but a series of TV movies shown in occasional rotation with a few other ongoing detective movie series, and so never had full" seasons". I totally get why this was a fan favorite in the day. Aside from the very likable lead performance, it broke a lot of conventions—it rarely if ever showed violence, had no chase scenes, there was never wisecracking partner or ongoing romantic interest, no procedural scenes inside the police station, or, in fact, regularly seen coworkers for Columbo of any sort, other than frequent appearances of his basset hound. Generally the character of Columbo didn't even appear until 20 minutes or so into the story, frumpily tying to solve a crime that the viewer had already fully seen committed and knew who the guilty party was. Peter Falk managed to imbue that character with a lot of affectations that might have been annoying in the hands of the wrong actor, and, in fact, is said to have so often improvised, such as suddenly shifting focus and fixating in the middle of dialogue on some inconsequential detail of the set, that the annoyance with him expressed by the suspects he was interrogating was often genuine on the part of the actors. I couldn't binge the whole thing, but I did like it enough to watch it all in about 3 mini-binges with breaks in between for other stuff. ("'Columbo'?", my sister asked me. "I thought that was like 'Murder, She Wrote' or 'Matlock'." No, it's good!)The Comedians (110 words) Apparently this series got roasted by critics, and for the first few episodes it's easy to understand why. Josh Gad and Billy Crystal as themselves in this behind-the-scenes look at the production of a comedy show — well-trodden ground, for sure, and firmly in the very long shadow of the "Larry Sanders" show. But as the season goes on, Gad and Crystal's relationship is given some extra depth beyond the "mismatched partners" trope, and their obvious chemistry carries things well enough that I enjoyed it, and was sorry there wasn't a second season. Strong credit for watchability also goes to the comic performance of Stephnie Weir as their neurotic, confused producer.Come Out And Play 👍 (309 words) Hey, look! It's a good old-fashioned horror movie!If this had come out in the 70s, it'd be a minor classic. It even has the old-school analog synth soundtrack. Vacationing couple gets stuck in an island in Mexico where it turns out, the night just before they arrived, all the kids suddenly woke up in the middle of the night and killed all the adults.It's kind of the opposite of "Mom & Dad", or "The Birds" but with children instead of birds. In fact, I'd be surprised if "The Birds" wasn't a conscious influence. But the nice thing is, that's as close as it gets to cliches, excepting the title. Very far from a Hollywood horror movie, that's for sure.Light on gore in terms of screentime devoted to it, but extremely gory in the few brief moments it's shown. Not great by a long stretch, but good, in a way that they don't really make horror movies anymore... definitely only for horror fans, though. Gets pretty brutal by the end, seriously doesn't pull its punches, which, when you consider the bad guys are a bunch of children, is even more brutal. Probably deserves to be on my "honorable mention" list, although of my "honorable mention" films, I could see this being one of the least popular ones.Looks like the kids probably had a mess of fun making it, too.Amusingly, Wikipedia says this film made a total of about $2500 in theaters. Also, turns out, it's an almost shot-for-shot remake of a 1976 Spanish horror film called "Who Can Kill a Child?" which, really, would be a much better title for what it is. It's funny, because something about it reminded me of Long Weekend, another unjustly underappreciated '70s also-ran horror film which I got turned on to by strongly liking a remake that nobody else cared for.Come Play (88 words) well-made but incredibly cliched and derivative flim starring Gillian Jacobs and an autistic kid who might as well have been Danny from "The Shining", who is haunted by a mysterious and poorly-explained monster that lives in electronic devices (including the goofily misguided device of showing a "creature's-eye view" from behind the screens while the kid uses them) and wants to abduct the kid to be his friend, because he comes from a world where all the monsters are lost in the iPads and don't talk anymore, or something. The Companion (27 words) Low-rated, but I liked it. Postapocalyptic supernatural western with tough-as-nails survivors facing off against strange spectral apparations instead of zombies. Not great but I kind enjoyed it.Compliance 👍 (162 words) I like this movie. Well, "like" is a strong word, it's intense and really disturbing but appreciably well-made. Dreama Walker stars in a "based on a true story" very-slow-burn drama, sticking fairly close to the true facts, about a man who called the office of a fast food joint claiming to be law enforcement, and intimidated the manager and several other people into imprisoning, humiliating, and finally sexually abusing an innocent employee for several hours. The entire first two acts of the movie are set mostly in the one room where it happens. It's pretty disturbing and, I thought, admirably well made, considering how tough the subject matter is. Caution: if you research afterwards, as I'm often inclined to, you'll learn that the full story of the actual events is actually a little more disturbing than what was shown in the movie. The whole thing is really upsetting. But the movie is so well made it's hard not to appreciate the filmmaking.Condemned (102 words) Maybe the only shitty, no-budget Troma-studios-level bad indie gore flick I've ever truly enjoyed. An abandoned building full of junkies and lunatic squats comes down with a psycho virus and kills each other in ridiculous ways. But, talk about an A+ for effort. Can't put my finger yet on what made this one so different but I sincerely like it. Managed to stay far enough away from cliches to be entertaining, I guess. Or maybe the director is real good, or something. Didn't go over the top in the usual ways, but found new, entertaining ways to go over the top instead. The Congress (109 words) Robin Wright in a 1/3-live action, 2/3-animated film about, um, I'm not really sure. Something about actors being digitized, and then about people taking chemicals made by the movie studios that let them live in a cartoon world. The animation is a stupendous take on vintage Paramount style but this might be the most tendentious film I've ever seen. It desperately wants to mean something, I'm probably supposed to conclude something from the nonstop over-the-top sentimentality about Wright wanting to see her disabled son, but either it misses the mark or I just don't get it. The "From the story by Stanislaw Lem" end credit makes head-smackingly perfect sense. Conjoined (57 words) About to get engaged to a woman he's only ever met over video chat, a man discovers when she moves in that she's attached to a homicidal conjoined twin. 100% campy, which usually isn't a good thing, but in this case it works. John Waters got famous making movies this bad and really only just barely more fun.The Conjuring (161 words) Fortunate casting (Lili Taylor, Vera Farmiga) and above-average direction, including some good spooky tension-building during scenes of things going bump in the night, elevate what could have been a very tedious haunting/exorcism tale (based on real life paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren, who figured in incidents such as the Amityville haunting and the Enfield poltergeist) to pleasantly above average, and well into decent date movie realm. Hands *will* be clutched. EDIT: Surprise! Found out afterwards it's directed by James Wan, who was involved with Saw and, notably, Insidious, a particular favorite of mine, and another movie that in the wrong hands (IE most commercial horror directors) easily could have been hopelessly mediocre, but fortunately for horror audiences ended up in the right ones. The Conjuring doesn't quite rise to Insidious's level of ingenuity with notably well-done scenes offering genuine scares, but it makes sense that it's from the same director. Guy evidently knows how to direct a ghost story.Contracted (60 words) A small film, but one I like. Woman contracts strange degenerative disease that causes her body to decay. One of those ones you can't say too much about without giving it away, but takes an unusual spin on some things. Doesn't feel like much as you're watching it, but satisfyingly adds up to more than the sum of its parts.Control (29 words) strange, high-concept, small-cast sci-fi reminicent of "Circle". A woman is trapped in a soundproof room and forced to do increasingly difficult tasks that bring out a latent telekinetic ability.The Control (110 words) This stylistically incredibly Canadian sci-fi movie is unfortunately a swing and a miss. Basically, "Primer" but with virtual reality instead of time travel. In some sort of experiment that's too confusing to understand, the story shifts between similar-enough-to-be-confusing realities without much clue which is real and which isn't, resulting in something more disorienting than interesting.Some very occasional neat visual effects and likeable if basically untalented actors can't save this ambitious but poorly-written exercise. Even being charmingly Canadian couldn't save it, which is disappointing.But, boy is it Canadian. It's just close enough to a stereotypical low-budget but ingenuous and clever Canadian outing to almost be worth a look. Allllllllllmost.Cop Car (194 words) Wow, talk about a flawed gem. I really like this neo-noir, which features the two most realistic 10-year-old boys I've ever seen in a movie finding an apparently abandoned cop car and going for a joy ride, attracting the attention of the corrupt sheriff whose car it is and the man he's got in the trunk. Really appealing, set deep in the windswept prairie, kind of a snowless "fargo" at least in terms of setting. The only problem: the too-recognizable-to-suspend-disbelief Kevin Bacon as the sheriff, who is, additionally, repeatedly clever enough to creatively think his way out of jams in a split second, but not clever enough to leave his cop car where two 10 year olds won't find it, or to not leave the keys sitting on the seat in plain view. But overall, despite the flaws, this picture is kind of a fave, I'm glad I caught it. The kids' hijinx are so endearingly familiar, stupid in the same exact way I was at that age. Me and my friend Tommy really did things that, if we'd found a cop car and bullets along the way, would have absolutely ended the same way. Cosmopolis (214 words) So, I'm watching this movie, which stars Robert Pattinson's teeny, tiny nose as the nose of a billionaire riding around New York taking meetings and having sex in his limo all day, and I'm a little put off by how strange, stiff, and mannered the performances are, and how overall pretentious it seems. And as it wears on, I have to admit, there's something well done about it. By the end, which features a soliloquy by a madman of a lengthy that would have been incredibly tedious if anyone but Paul Giamatti had attempted it, but instead works incredibly well and is one of his shining moments as an actor as well as an all-around cinematically impressive scene, I had to admit I liked it in spite of myself. And then the credits roll, and: directed by David Cronenberg. A-ha! That's my boy, sneaking one past me by creating what I now realize is a very typical Cronenberg film, except, wholly outside his home horror genre. Even though I didn't love it, he got me to like something I by all rights should have hated, and this kind of redeems him again after my recent viewing of "Crimes Of The Future", which seemed more Cronenberg-by-numbers. Glad to see he hasn't lost it after all. Creep 2 (139 words) Mark Duplass as a convincing narcissistic serial killer in this first person shooter, a sequel to a film I could swear I saw but don't seem to have reviewed. This is essentially two really good actors in a zero-budget self-indulgent vanity project that's far, far beneath them. (And, seriously, only two actors: a few other people appear in the first 5 minutes of the film, but after that, the entire rest of the movie is only 2 people.) A serial killer hires a videographer to make a documentary about him. She explicitly disregards the red flags (and tells the camera she's doing so, in case we don't notice) and basically goads him on, on the flimsy excuse that she's looking for views for her web series. Eh. Slightly better than such low-production-value efforts usual are, but not worth a second view. Crimes Of The Future (135 words) I found myself wondering after the first 15 minutes, "Who is this Cronenberg wannabe?" Turned out, it's Cronenberg, in "Crash"/"ExistenZ"-style disappearing-up-his-own-ass mode. It was beautiful but meh. I've been a lifelong Cronenberg fan, but sometimes it seems like he doesn't realize it takes more than a good idea and good cinematography to make a movie. Some sort of high-concept claptrap where in the future people prefer pain to sex and artists mutilate their bodies in front of audiences. I think if ExistenZ had been as well-shot and well-acted as this, people would have realized it's the better of the two movies. Which isn't saying all that much. Apparently this was very well received at Cannes, which makes me begin to suspect that Cannes is just as much of an empty circle jerk as Sundance. The Curse (40 words) Sub-USA-Up-All-Night fare about a farm family that develops boils and goes insane after a meteor lands on their farm. Starring a pre-"Wil" Will Wheaton and a post-"Dukes" John Schneider, unrecognizable in late 80s fashions instead of late 70s. Curve (37 words) as close to being a good movie as captivity/torture porn ever gets. Women menaced by hitchhiker drives car of edge of highway, becomes trapped inside for days as he periodically returns to torture her, mostly psychologically. D (62 reviews)D-Railed (39 words) Mishmash of ideas plays like an "Outer Limits" episode. Basically a guy-in-a-rubber-suit monster story. A train hosting a Halloween "murder mystery" party goes off the tracks, leaving the survivors to contend with, basically, the Creature From The Black Lagoon.The Darkest Minds (98 words) I can see the boardroom exec somewhere saying, "We don't have enough 'Hunger Games' content. Find me something." That said, this is a reasonably entertaining take on the postapocalyptic-everygirl-fights-the-government-and-other-factions-of-survivors-on-her-way-to-becoming-their-greatest-hero-and-standing-in-front-of-a-cheering-crowd, probably-adapted-from-a-young-adult-novel genre. All the kids have developed powers and are put into camps where they are labeled by a color indicating how dangerous they are. An 'orange', the most dangerous kind and supposed to be killed on sight, escapes and hooks up with a band of other survivors who try to evade bounty hunters and determine which of the warring factions left of society are really on their side.The Darkness Of The Road (103 words) Swing and a serious miss. Pretty decent lighting and cinematography for what little you can see of this movie (most of it is set on a desolate, deserted road at night) tries to be profound and twisty but succeeds mostly at meaningless"408"-style disjoined "what's another weird scary thing we can have happen?" scenes. Najarra Townsend ("Contaminated", a film I'm fond of) and the nice visuals do little to save this. Reading up on IMDB afterwards, it turns out it does have a cohesive idea behind it and make sense if you know what it's trying to say, but I didn't. Too bad.The Dark Red (190 words) Interesting. A schizophrenic woman who may or may not actually be a mindreader is held in a psychiatric facility and insists her former boyfriend's family abducted her baby to gain the powers that run in her bloodline. Sometimes I find a movie that I particularly enjoy because it shoots only to be what it is—doesn't overreach or try to be something it's not, but does what it's trying to do effectively enough. I'm reminded a little bit, though this is a totally different genre and type of movie, of "Beyond The Black Rainbow", in that this film, like that one, just is what it is... shot and paced just a little differently than most films are. It probably helps that the acting is decent and the lead actress is fairly charismatic.The plot sags a tiny bit at the end into a conventional denouement, unfortunately, but, this one, despite not being a great movie by any stretch of the imagination or even a particularly good one, and not one I'd recommend to anyone else, nonetheless is oddly memorable, and I liked it . I could see watching it again sometime.The Dark Tapes (156 words) As a horror movie fan, you have to learn to stomach bad movies and look for the good in them, because there are a lot of bad horror movies out there. You wind up sitting through anthology films (gack) or identically-tedious found-footage films (retch). Even so, rarely do I just turn a movie off halfway through because I just can't believe sitting through any more of it would be less boring than virtually anything else I could think of to do with my time.I turned this one off halfway through.The two worst conceits amateur horror directors rely on, anthologies and "found footage" tripe, exacerbated by truly lame stories, stilted acting, and the most amateurish (lack of) production values I've ever seen. Ok, your video editing software has a "video camera messing up" preset. Ok. We've seen it now. Move on.Seriously. There's just nothing in this movie worth watching at all. Watch anything else.Dark Was The Night (9 words) like The Mothman Prophesies, except with the Jersey Devil.Darling (47 words) pretentious, nonsensical, overstylized black and white crap. Hipster girl watches haunted house in Brooklyn, bring a guy home, inexplicably kills her then goes insane. Dull. (Much later note: Yes, I realize on re-read that this review doesn’t entirely make sense. Trust me, it doesn’t matter.)Da Sweet Blood Of Jesus (94 words) Spike Lee does a horror movie, after a fashion, as well as his best impression of a European art filmmaker, in this remake of 1973's "Ganja and Hess". After a scuffle, a well-to-do doctor returns from the dead with a thirst for blood, plot gets tough to follow after that. Ok, I guess, considering I've never liked a Spike Lee movie. Definitely looks good visually without seeming too try-hard on that front. If this had been someone's first-time outing I'd have been impressed; from a very experienced director I say "meh". Great soundtrack, though. Date Movie (48 words) Starts with a five-minute-long fat joke and goes downhill from there. Seemingly aimed at people out there for whom the Farrelly Brothers' movies humor is too subtle. So broad it seems like it's aimed at kids, except the humor is too raunchy for kids, so, god only knows.Dave Made A Maze (99 words) Self-consciously bizarre, surreal, Gilliam-esque bit of fluff about a guy who builds a labyrinth our of a refrigerator box in his living room which is larger on the inside than the outside, takes on a life of its own and is full of peril and monsters. Seems like it is supposed to be a kids movie, but, has cursing and a vagina. Entertaining for what it is, though. (EDIT: Ah! Written and directed by Calvin and Hobbes's creator Bill Watterson. That makes perfect sense.)(EDIT 2: No. It's a different guy named Bill Watterson. Still, would have made perfect sense.)Day 13 (42 words) Supernatural thriller with 90 minutes of Genevieve Hannelius as the girl next door who moves into a creepy long-abandoned house with her creepy new adoptive dad, and a really good like last 5 minutes, which all together still isn't really enough to redeem it.Deadbolt 🤔 (100 words) Alright indie thriller. Young woman escaping a bad relationship moves into a supposedly haunted house in a bad neighborhood with an overly clingy roommate, and things get weird.Could have been terrible, but a couple of above-average performances put it just a touch above complete mediocrity. Canadian, not so Canadian (in the usual good way) that I'd have guessed, but it does make sense. Kind of succeeds by not overreaching for more than it can accomplish.Sometimes you have to admire something just for managing not to be bad, which this does manage. Better writing would have helped even more.The Dead Room (34 words) okay Aussie haunted house tale. Three researchers in an empty house tape recording things that go bump in the night. Pretty slow to get where it's going, doesn't aim high, but ultimately it's alright. Dead Silence (165 words) I threw this on to have some background noise while working—any horror movie about a ventriloqist dummy is almost certainly going to be a dud, it's too easy a macguffin—but I was quickly surprised to see the magic words in the credits: "Directed by James Wan". Wan has a real talent for horror direction. I'm not actually a big fan of "Saw", the movie that made him, and it wasn't until the one after this one, "Insidious", that he really won me over, but still, like all his movies, this one has its isolated moments, including an appropriately gory and basically totally unexpected denouement. Probably Wan's worst movie, not even really worth a re-watch except for the occasional odd Wan touches, which this movie probably has fewer of than any of his others, but, nonetheless, at this point I'm resigned to likely watch every one of his movies at some point, and this is another one, so I don't regret having seen it. Dead Weight (17 words) zombie road picture plays like a missing episode of Walking Dead, from one of the good seasons.Death House (242 words) I'm generally not a fan of "so bad it's good" films, but, my god. Except for the White Zombie-sounding tracks in the otherwise analog synth soundtrack, this 2017 film is a note-perfect simulation of gloriously over-the-top 1980s USA Up All Nite-style supernatural gorefest fare. Two gorgeous secret agents descend into a prison modeled after Dante's Inferno and full of psychotic and/or supernatural killers. Bill Moseley, Sid Haig, Adrienne Barbeau, Dee Wallace, Michael Berryman, and every one of them chewing the scenery like they're loving every minute of it ... this one is kind of the exception that proves the rule. It's very, very hard to make a camp movie like this that I can sit through, but this one takes it so far, and takes itself so ridiculously seriously, that it accomplishes what few can. I would never recommend this as a movie for anyone else to watch, but for me, the consistency and purity of this vision and command of the genre earns my respect. One of the few movies that aims to be a "cult favorite", in quotes, and actually could become a cult favorite, for real. Kind of like the "Pink Flamingos" of horror/gore films. (Edit: turns out the director went out of his way to include cameos from virtually every b-movie horror icon of the 70s and 80s, another risky conceit that might have worked better as an idea than in execution, but, hey, he pulled it off. )Death Of Me (70 words) Oddly reminiscent of "The Wicker Man" in superficial ways, but not in the good ways. Gorgeous vacationing couple in Thailand awakes with no memory of the night before and a video on his camera of him killing and burying her. Descends into unexplained weirdness, then explained with a bunch of unsatisfying exotic paganistic bullshit. Wouldn't watch it again but Maggie Q at least made it entertaining for what it was. Decay (51 words) A promising tagline: "female intruder accidentally dies in an introvert's house, so he keeps the body around as a friend. Then she starts to decay..." Starts off ok but ends pretty boring, just not much "there" there. However, has that nebbishy little lady from "A Dirty Shame", who I always like. Deep Hatred (38 words) I watched this film 3 days ago and already barely remember it. A bunch of gorgeous kids return to the commune one of them grew up on, and are stalked by the ghost of a drowned man, I think.Deep In The Valley (77 words) Early Chris Pratt and some other goofy handsome guy with a bunch of minor celebrity cameos. Two guys get stuck in a magic porn booth that transports them to an alternate universe where real life is like a porn film. They actually stretch the joke for an admirably long time, and really nail some of the "porn film" acting and dialogue, including a stereotypical cop who speaks in nothing but cliches. It could have been way worse. Delirium (32 words) Guy just released from an insane asylum under house arrest in his parent's mansion starts seeing things. Thriller, not a horror movie. Meh, okay I guess, not bad but didn't grab me.Demented (63 words) Proving that every rule has an exception, this awful sub-"USA Up All nite"stars Felissa Rose, who apparently takes the roles Linnea Quiqley would have once turned down as being beneath her, as a cop investigating some sort of snuff film ring. An attempt to appeal to fans of basic brutality by a director not competent enough even to provide basic brutality.Demonic (34 words) Pedestrian, entirely forgettable police procedural/haunted house flick as the story of a film crew (natch) filming inside a haunted house was murdered is told in flashbacks as Maria Bello interviews the lone survivor. Depraved 👍 (183 words) Unfortunate title aside, this little gem is "Frankenstein" retold as a modern hipster indie film, in the best possible way, without the least bit of irony, as a brilliant medic returns from the Iraq war with the medical secret to bringing the dead back to life, partnered with the amoral scion of a pharmaceutical fortune looking to market the dream drug, if he can just find a brain for his experiment...If I had to forgot every single indie film I've ever seen except one, this might be the one to keep. A little campy, but for this story, it kinda has to be.I don't know where they found the guy who played the monster, he was perfectly cast, in what should probably be remembered as one of the great monster movie performances, if only because he does a perfect job of what so few movie monsters do, and what I understand the original novel's monster was more like: remaining completely human throughout.I dunno, this one just sat really, really well with me. I believe I will be watching it again. The Depraved (aka"Urban Explorer") (106 words) (not to be confused with "Depraved", the very good "Frankenstein" update previously reviewed) Captivity/pursuit flick. Urban explorers in the tunnels below Berlin encounter a seemingly helpful denizen of the depths when one of them is seriously injured in a fall, who turns out, once he's lured them back to his lair, to be bonkers. A slightly unusual last few minutes for this sort of fare (in that it foregoes any redemption or sign of hope at the end; ok, that's actually different), decent performances including from the leering bad guy, and half the dialogue being in German are the only distinguishing qualities this movie has.Derek Delgaudio - In & Of Itself (86 words) Had no idea what this was going into it. Listed as a 'documentary', what starts off seeming like one of the best one-man shows I've ever seen basically turns into a pretty good magic show. Less than the sum of its parts, and leans a little hard on trying to be poetic and hit emotional beats when it's really just magic tricks, but I did enjoy most of those parts a whole lot, and the tricks are definitely somewhere between good and, at their best, great. The Descent 🧡 (117 words) If you're reading this list and haven't seen "The Descent", just go see it. A classic in my book. A bunch of women on a caving expedition when things get scary. Not a classic horror story, but a classic horror film and, I think, a rewarding movie-viewing experience. Very well-made by a director who understood that horror movies should be movies first and horror second. It does eventually lean a little more towards action/adventure/survival than towards plot/storytelling, which is often not my preference, but this is well-done enough to rise above my usual complaints about the category. (UPDATE: I have heard from some friends that they don't like this movie. I don't understand that.)Desolation (22 words) Captivity/pursuit flick. Mother and son pursued through the woods by a silent, murderous Dave Grohl for no reason. I'd run too.The Detour [tv series] 👍 (97 words) I have no idea how this comedy series isn't considered a classic. This road trip family comedy ran for 6 seasons and I'm just totally fond of it, I found it incredibly funny. Every season has a framing device of the family trying to explain their misadventures to some authority figure, and features them getting, well, detoured as they try to get from point A to point B. It's hard to know what to say about it beyond that, but—just watch an episode or two, and if you like it, it stays that funny for four seasons. Deviant Love (35 words) Movie-of-the-week level thriller about a woman whose protective new boyfriend turns out to be her deranged cousin trying to have her for himself. Oops, gave away the ending. Now you don't have to watch it. The Devil's Candy (65 words) Family of metalheads buys a remote house in the country, is menaced by the psychopathic former resident who becomes fixated on the 14-year-old metalhead daughter. An all-around appealing, charismatic cast, as well as pretty fair avoidance of obvious cliches and a truly heartfelt portrayal of Mom, Dad, and Daughter Metalhead as a normal, loving family, saves what would otherwise have been a 100% unremarkable terrorized-by-a-psycho picture.The Devil's Chair (95 words) Disappointing. English horror flick with gritty, almost "Trainspotting" type production values about an electric-chair type contraption found in an abandoned hospital, which either transports the seated person to another dimension, drives them insane, or summons a demon. Actually starts out alright but by halfway through the decent performances and unusually gritty production values can't support the muddled story. Clive Barker could've made this as punchy as it wanted to be, or Danny Boyle could have made it as clever and narratively strong as it wants to be, but neither of them was anywhere near this.Devil's Due (5 words) Paranormal Activity, only with satanism.The Devil's Prey (17 words) ravers chased through the woods by satanists. Acrually surprisingly good, like how some episodes of 90210 were good.The Devil's Restaurant 🤔 💩 (147 words) A horror-comedy that actually works, sort of... at least well enough that I was reasonably entertained. In this case, a restauranteur strikes a deal with a demon who lives in the basement. The demon makes the restaurant successful, in exchange for occasionally being fed only the worst of the customers.The problem with most "horror comedy" is it's really just a bad horror movie trying to be passed off as "comedy" because it's just bad. In this case, it's an actual comedy that happens to be about horror topics.The acting is terrible, the movie is pretty goofy, but it knows what it is and isn't trying to be anything more. What's more, the cast, though pretty terrible, seem like they enjoyed making it. It's fun and, this works in its favor too, just slightly original—definitely not reminiscent of anything I've seen before. I liked it.The Devil's Tail (14 words) Horrible anthology film. Does include the original short of "Piggy", though, which isn't bad.Devil's Void 🗑 (31 words) Realtors or psychics or somebody lure people to a house so they can be harangued with bad special effects from people with rubbery "demon" appliances stuck to their faces. Bottom-rung garbage.The Devil's Work (50 words) A couple is in a house and the woman's sister shows up soaked in blood and carrying a hammer, and walks around outside the house looking creepy. There might be more, but 50 minutes into it that's all that had happened so far, and I got bored and turned it off.Devil May Care (67 words) A dreadfully BBC-esque supernatural drama. Filmed on videotape for good measure. The blurb said "Peril awaits a group of six friends as they enter an abandoned theater in the woods, where they encounter a devil and a beast." Nor horror, not terror... peril. That's about the size of it. Having watched half of it before turning it off, I can confirm, yes, they're in peril. Quite so.The Devil Takes A Holiday 🗑 (68 words) An "Eating Raoul"-level intentionally bad, trashy, overbroad comedy in which a family gathering consisting entirely of a hodgepodge of overbroad, low-effort stereotypes eats a Thanksgiving turkey that was used in a Santeria ceremony, causing the devil to appear and, apparently, change everybody's personalities for no reason that's ever given. Actually it was so goofy that I found it very faintly entertaining, but nowhere near enough to recommend. The Devil Wears Prada (126 words) Had opportunity to re-watch this, and you know, I like this movie. Not sure what I can say that hasn't already been said. Meryl Streep in an iconic performance she modeled partly on Clint Eastwood's ability to command attention by speaking softly, plus Anne Hathaway, who to me has always been an entertaining-enough sort of "everyperson" actress, one of very few prominent stars you see regularly who isn't annoyingly Hollywood-y. A refreshing example of how you can make movies with female casts that are emphatically not chick-flicks, and pass the Bechdel Test with flying colors, all without preaching, moralizing or ever forgetting that the main objective is just to be a good movie. Now if they could just make these about something besides the fashion industry. Dick (18 words) Surprisingly entertaining spoof retelling of Watergate scandal, based around the supposition that "Deep Throat" was two 15-year-old girls. Digging To Death (222 words) This is one of those movies I wouldn't recommend to anyone else, but I found it kind of entertaining. Bachelor buys a new house, and digging a hole for a septic tank, he finds a box with two million dollars in cash and a dead body in it. He slowly goes insane, and the body may or may not be climbing out of the box to terrorize him. This is one of those movies that benefits by not aiming that high, and while the story is no great shakes and enough of the acting is wooden that it is never going to be confused for a good movie, it does a couple of things right: casting an anonymous everyman who manages to slowly ratchet up the insanity without there being any one point where it goes too far too fast, and, while most movies break the spell when they show something like an old man in clear corpse makeup, this one actually pulls it off but finding some actor, I don't know who this guy is, but who just manages to put in a creepy enough performance that they can show him in broad daylight and it's just a little bit creepy instead of 100% silly. I wouldn't go out of my way to see this, but it was actually kind of fun.Digging Up The Marrow (125 words) first person shooter, blech. Ray Wise, yea! Overall enjoyable enough for a bad first person shooter movie, mostly because of Wise, and decent creature design. A horror director is contacted by a man who claims to have evidence of real monsters, who leads them to film a hole in the woods, with predictable eventual results and a larger-than-average helping of fridge logic, made enjoyable by, again, Ray Wise, and decent creature design. Also notable because, unlike the overwhelming majority of horror movies, it does contain one really excellent scare. NB I read that they cast the easily recognizable Wise instead of an unknown because they wanted it to be clear from the beginning that it was entertainment, not an attempted hoax. Ok, I dig that. Discontinued (102 words) Fairly amusing indie flick in which a discontented slacker woman finds out (along with everyone else) that reality is a simulation and will end in a week.Reminded me of that movie with Zoe Lister-Jones and Cailee Spaeny about the woman wandering around LA before the world ends, although this was better than that one. Same sort of "clever, but not quite as clever as it thinks it is" high-concept. But, in this case, it was entertaining enough. Eventually it sort of peters out, but if it had kept up the entertainment all the way through, it would have been pretty good. Dismissed (271 words) I'm halfway through this laughably implausible piece of shit. This movie takes itself sooooo seriously, all somber score and intense acting performances, as if it doesn't realize that a thriller about an evil mastermind high school student who apparently has the whole world cowering in terror before his evil mechinations to get straight A's would be totally absurd even if every scene didn't seem so thoroughly contrived and unrealistic. Like sure, a nice girl would act like a slut and try to come on to her teacher just because she was told by an evil genius classmate that the teacher was into her, and then, when the teacher absolutely rejects her, let the classmate dictate a love letter for her to give him that will change his mind which, just coincidentally, also happens to read exactly like a suicide note. Or, sure, a teachers wife would never, ever question why a student of her husband would randomly call her landline at home during the day to casually ask how the teach is doing and casually drop that he's "out sick" when he's at school; nor would she, say, ask the teacher about it, especially after the teacher tells her a kid at school is blackmailing him. This film wants this kid to be as intense as Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" but the plot devices are about as believable as, I dunno, The Muppet Movie. Seriously, this is like a TV movie, and not a good one, but with the intensity knob dialed up to feature film level. It gets almost bad enough to be a camp cult favorite. Kinda. Alllllmost. Dollface (movie, 2014) (160 words) Scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel here. The most amateurish, dreadful slasher movie I've ever seen, with the stupidest killer name, "Crinoline Head". Kids go explore the home of a famous killer, who of course is still there. They spend like an hour kibbitzing and talking about sex before the killer offs them in the stupidest way possible, such as one woman asks the groundskeeper if she can use her restroom, so the groundskeeper tells her to go squat in the woods and accuses her of not being able to, so the woman storms off bragging about how good at squatting she is, then doesn't notice the killer is hiding on the same side of tree that she approached from and sticks out his arm with his knick pointing up near the ground for her to aggressively squat on to show how great she is at it. One of the stupidest, most contrived, poorly-acted, poorly-written films I've ever seen.Dollface [tv series] (30 words) As Kat Dennings's likeability is to Jay Baruchel's, and Los Angeles is to Vancouver, so is Dollface to Man Seeking Woman. Which is to say, it's pretty good, entertaining enough.Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark (2010 remake) (108 words) Any horror movie starring Katie Holmes is only going to be so good. This one has very decent creature effects, though. Guy Pearce (who appears to be completely featureless other than his tiny little nose, sorta like a male Milla Jovovich) and his tiny little nose are utterly wasted in this. Also notable for (spoiler) basically being a horror movie about the Tooth Fairy. If you're the kind of person who's amused by catching goof details like the scullery maid in the beginning trying to see what's in the dark basement by holding the candle right in front of her eyes, this movie is full of that stuff. Don't Blink (63 words) A group of friends get stranded at a remote cabin and find nobody there, but evidence of people having picked up and left in the middle of activities. One by one, they disappear. Actually, ratchets up the tensions well enough to be enjoyable for a movie that never bothers to explain what's going on. Among the best of this bad type of movie.Don't Breathe 👍 (227 words) Sometimes I see a flick that should have been a tedious captivity flick but they actually pull it off. This one is one of those.Gang of kids go to rob a blind guy's house, thinking it will be easy.... they're very wrong. Definitely original, with good enough casting, acting, and production to pull it off. Not great by a long shot but for one of these movies to even stand out as not being garbage is impressive. It kind of held my attention, which is incredibly rare for these kinds of exercises.I would say if you're only going to watch one pursuit/captivity flick in your life, this might be a contender.It's got 88% approval on Rotten Tomatoes, and while I might not go that far on an absolute basis, it makes some sense, and grading on a curve with most of these kinds of movies, I definitely would give it at least that. (Note: closing credits say produced by Sam Raimi. A-ha. And, holy cow, I didn't even recognize Jane Levy with her hair bleached blonde as the lead.)Giving it an honorable mention, but really only because it is about the best of its genre, even though that's kind of like being remarkable for being pretty tall for a dwarf. It's not great by a longshot—but for a captivity flick, it's outstanding.Don't Knock Twice (80 words) What promises to be a total crap thriller about a young girl being pursued by a supernatural force after a "Bloody Mary"-type teenagers-foolishly-test-a-superstition-that-turns-out-to-be-true incident actually turns out to be a pretty decent, well-made supernatural thriller. Maybe it has something to do with being a British film. I'm starting to get the impression that Katee Sakhoff has some basic standards as to what she'll appear in... I don't believe I've ever seen her in something that wasn't at least alright. Don't Listen (52 words) Halfway decent Spanish haunted house flick (with overdubs). Family moves into isolated house, son dies, EVPs, spectral visitations, ghost hunters with electronics, labyrinth discovered in basement. But, actually pretty good for such well-trodden subject matter, at least it's well-made and well-acted all the way through. Probably would be an ok date movie. Don't Look Back (53 words) dear Hollywood, at certain point we figured out that if the bad guy doesn't talk to anybody but the protagonist for the entire movie, they're going to turn out to be either the protagonist's other personality, or someone's already dead. Neither are very surprising twist anymore. This one is the split personality one.Don't Look Deeper 🤔 (175 words) This is weird. This was actually a pretty ok sci-fi movie, if a little teen-oriented, set in the near future when there are humanoid AIs in daily use but otherwise very much like today, about a young woman who discovers she's an AI, spends most of the movie trying to escape corporate masters who want her captured, her creators/"parents" who keep wiping her memory every time she discovers she's artificial, etc. Don Cheadle and Emily Mortimer star as the parents, which should tell you something... It was pretty good, probably deserving a callout for being above average.Until... an hour and a half into it, it just stops. It ends in the middle of the story.There are references online to this being both a series and a movie, I don't know if what I saw was a pilot episode or something. If they'd wrapped it up like a real movie, I'd have liked it. I think I'll still give it a "je nais se quois", but, be warned: it stops in the middle. Don't Talk To Strangers (54 words) One of my old ex-girlfriends goes to Ireland and finally becomes the blood-drenched psychopath I for one always knew she had it in her to be. You go, girl! (I thought it might not be her, until the closing credits say, "A film by Normal", which is so totally something she'd be involved with.)Doors 🤔 (81 words) I liked this movie, I bet a lot of people won't though. It's an anthology film, although it doesn't play that way, a few stories around the theme of the sentient black CGI portals appearing around the world. People can enter and leave them but staying too long drives them insane. The portals speak telepathically sometimes. The CGI was actually kind of good for CGI black goo, and the cinematography was really nice, someone is an avid and skilled Kubrick fan.Do You Know Me? (34 words) In this TV-moviest of TV movies, a young woman discovers she looks exactly like the age-progressed adult version of a missing child on a milk carton. Lots of people running after each other ensues.Dread (31 words) two students to a video project documenting people's feats and one turns out to be a psycho. Cruelty—not even just torture, but deliberately cruel torture—as entertainment, and nothing more.Drop Dead Diva (TV Show) (68 words) Somewhere in the same fictional Los Angeles as "Psych" and "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" (and across a fictional continent from the fictional New York of "Ugly Betty") is "Drop Dead Diva" , perhaps the perfect stupid TV program. A gorgeous model dies but refuses to go to heaven and wakes up in the body of an obese lawyer. Every episode features courtroom drama in which gorgeous legal clients pursue only-on-tv type Dual (125 words) High-concept picture in which terminally ill people can, in the near future, clone themselves to ease their family's suffering—but, if they turn out not to be terminally ill, must duel their clone to the death. Enter Karen Gillan in that situation, who then spends the first half of the picture watching her clone steal her entire life and the second half training for the duel. Much better than that silly premise makes it sound... not great, but if it had been a Black Mirror episode, it would have been one of the better ones. I'm surprised I liked it but I kinda did. This kind of familiar ground is hard to get right but I could maybe see this become a low-key cult favorite. Dude Where's My Car (63 words) I thought this might be faintly entertaining but it was just embarrassing. This recycled pile of whatever Bill & Ted, Repo Man, and Harold & Kumar flush away when they go to the bathroom seems primarily aimed at the set who will someday mature into Farrelly Brothers or Adam Sandler fans. By the time Andy Dick shows up in a cameo, I wasn't even surprised. E (23 reviews)Earworm (31 words) Painfully shy man joins a support group, so they drug him and put a gummy worm in his ear that cures his shyness by turning him into a psychotic killer. Forgettable.Eaters Of The Dead (36 words) zero-budget camcorder-shot amateur garbage. Why is this kind of stuff on Amazon Prime? Apparently somebody's home movie about society-wide cannibalism after a nuclear apocalypse, if that matters. Even worse, it tries to be artsy occasionally... urg.Edge Of Tomorrow (69 words) Surprisingly decent sci-fi thriller. Tom Cruise is a gorgeous soldier fighting an alien invasion of earth who gets caught in essentially Groundhog Day with a lot more gunfire and tough-as-nails army guys. Some trite writing and a bit of a reliance on suspension of disbelief, not the least of which is Emily Blunt as a gorgeous super-soldier, but gritty production, good pacing, and slightly-above-average cgi aliens keep it entertaining.Eli (144 words) You know, this one wasn't bad. Like, you have some time to kill, you wanna watch a horror movie, there's nothing good on, this one is alright. Young "boy in a bubble"'s parents take him to a doctor's creepy old clinic in the woods for a gene therapy cure. Haunted house story with lots of familiar tropes, until you discover they found a fairly original way to put a million familiar pieces together. Don't think I'd watch it a second time, but don't mind having watched it a first. (Oh, I gotta add: It has one special effect that is like my favorite horror special effect I've ever seen. It's very quick, but it's something I genuinely have never seen before. So, no spoilers, but there's one quick thing in there I had to stop the video, roll it back, and watch again.)Elizabeth Harvest (13 words) mad scientist repeatedly clones and re-kills his dead ex-wife (stuffy, highbrow English version.) Emancipation (138 words) well, I'm surprised. Will Smith can actually act. I've never seen him play anyone but Will Smith before. He does an entirely convincing job as real-life runaway slave of Haitian descent, convincing French accent and all, in this not-as-heavy-as-it-wants-to-be civil war biopic. The movie itself is the sort of broad-strokes, morally (and visually too, in this case) black-and-white drama that Apple seems to show a lot of. I liked it ok, although, even though despite being socially progressive myself, I tend not to enjoy movies that are primarily about how bad oppression is. Yes, I know, I'm watching TV to get *away* from all that for a moment. I already know the confederate slavedrivers were probably really horrible people; I don't get much from a hollywood recreation spending 2 hours telling me. Still, though, it was an alright watch.Emelie (94 words) [Not to be confused with Amelie] A decent distraction that ends kind of unsatisfyingly by giving too much away. A thriller about a gorgeous babysitter who turns out to be very disturbed, mounting some fairly distressing psychological horror in the first half by way of her increasingly disturbing treatment of the children she's supposed to be caring for, but as is sometimes the case, ratching things up too high and shifting from a sort of dogme 95 realism to physical violence and a darkened house breaks the tension rather than heightening it. Decent performances, though. Empire (series) (68 words) This is kind of a masterpiece of crap television. First off, the cast is stellar, the acting is superb. Beyond that? Garbage. I expected a drama, but this is straight melodrama, just a soap opera. It's like Dynasty meets Glee's hip-hop kid sister. As glossy and expertly produced as it is empty and unbelievable. The Glee-style over-autotuned, overcompressed vocals in the frequent musical numbers sums it all up. Empty Rooms (21 words) Single mom with autistic son movies into a house, is terrorized by specters. Quasi-James-Wan-type haunted house movie, but not as good. The Endless 🧡 (234 words) Oh my god, it's a genuinely good indie movie.This slow-to-start but original and ultimately entertaining mindfuck is a slow-burn, low-key gem in the same way as (and bearing some superficial similarities to, in terms of setting and tone, and how gradually and realistically it brings on the total weirdness) Yellowbrickroad, another rare zero-budget favorite of mine.The Rotten Tomatoes summary probably summarizes it better than I could: "Two brothers receive a cryptic video message inspiring them to revisit the UFO death cult they escaped a decade earlier. Hoping to find the closure that they couldn't as young men, they're forced to reconsider the cult's beliefs when confronted with unexplainable phenomena surrounding the camp. As the members prepare for the coming of a mysterious event, the brothers race to unravel the seemingly impossible truth before their lives become permanently entangled with the cult."That is about the best it could be explained without spoilers, except to say there's some hefty surrealism tucked away in the corners, and a metaphysical plateful of temporal spaghetti.It's also notable for being one of the very few movies I've ever immediately rewound (ok, clicked 'play' again) the minute it ended, and immediately re-watched in its entirety a second time almost from the beginning, just to look for the details I missed. (N.B. the only other time I can recall doing that is the Coen Brothers' "Barton Fink".)End Of Days, Inc 💩 (99 words) People working at a mysterious inventory company are being laid off as the company is closing, but promised a million dollar bonus if they can finish one last round of inventory before the night is up. Turns out, if they finish it, the world will end. Self-consciously quirky, stylized little comedy that is not as good as it wants to be, characterizations are one-dimensional and it doesn't really justify a lot of its plot points, but, cast is likeable if not exactly good actors, and it kind of had its moments here and there. Canadian, apparently, which explains that. Enemy (73 words) Jake Gyllenhaal as a guy who discovers an actor who looks just like him. They seduce each other's partners, then one of the women turns into a giant spider. Not sure how something this arch and pretentious could simultaneously be this boring and uneventful. It's like nothing happens in this movie. Memo to all directors aside from David Lynch and David Cronenberg: You can't be David Lynch or David Cronenberg. You just can't.Enter Nowhere 🤔 (89 words) You know, I kind of liked this movie. It sort of plays, not like a great movie, but like, I dunno, a great episode of"The Outer Limits"(or a very long second- or third-tier episode of "The Twilight Zone".) Three strangers wind up coincidentally stuck at a cabin in the remote woods, and things from there go in a completely different direction than you expect. Basically a drama with fantastic elements as they figure out what's going on—far more "Outer Limits" than "Last House On The Left".Entity (40 words) Decades ago, in the Russian woods near an abandoned asylum, four bodies were found. Now, a documentary crew goes in to explore. Blue-toned video, night vision, and people screaming during video glitch effects ensue. You know the drill by now.Escape From New York (64 words) Somehow I'd never seen this all the way through until now. I see why it left an impression on kids of my generation. For anyone who slept through the 70s and 80s, Kurt Russell is airdropped into Manhattan, which has been converted into a walled prison island, to rescue the President, whose plane has crashed there, and must fight The Warriors to get out.Everwinter Night 📺 (209 words) This film set low expectations and then came through kinda better than expected. The synopsis, "Lifelong best friends, Maddy and V, find themselves at a remote ski lodge where a group of mysterious wealthy men throw a celebration century in the making" certainly didn't lead me to expect anything great.And, it's not great. But it was actually kinda good. But the acting is a slight cut above movies like this usually are, and even the particularly hammy performances are entertaining. Some of the dialog occasionally rings true at points, which is nice. The movie is a very slow burn and takes it's time, maybe longer than it should, to get where it finally goes, but I didn't mind that much. And the ending finally ratchets up the intensity nicely, after a long very gradual simmer. I think if I was 14 I'd have thought this was flat-out great.I've been thinking a while about creating a category for "watchable" movies, not quite special, far from great, maybe not even worth recommending going out of your way for, but still, not bad, watchable enough to be worth it if you run across them and have nothing else to do. This was the movie that got me to finally do it.The Evil In Us (79 words) Kids camping on an island snort coke with a virus that temporarily turns them into zombies. Meanwhile, in an underground facility, the drug is tested by a mysterious sciencey guy. Ha, you know, this is a bad, derivative horror movie, and an utterly acceptable watch, in that USA Up All Night bad movie kinda way. Just over the top and original enough, and not so derivative as to be painful. One of the worst movies I've ever not minded.Exhume (38 words) A couple of archeologists and their young daughter move to an abandoned penal camp for boys to search for a buried body, and supernatural shit happens (possession-and-talking-with-creepy-voices variety.) Pretty much slid off my brain immediately after watching it. Ex Machina 🧡 (154 words) I adore this movie. Well done, old-school humanist, character-driven sci fi. There's like three characters in the whole movie, a lot of talk and very little action, qualities some other quiet "thrillers" I'm particularly fond of (such as The Vast Of Night and The Invitation) share, when they're well-made enough to carry it along on that.In this, a programmer wins a chance to spend a few days with the reclusive head of his company in his isolated retreat, where it turns out he has built an artificial (and, in some lovely FX work, visually clearly robotic, except for the face) woman. The programmer has been called there to interact with her and determine whether he feels she is genuinely conscious and intelligent. That short synopsis doesn't really do it justice, but to say more would be to rob anyone reading of the experience of going into this cold and letting the story unfold.The Exorcist (series) (47 words) Surprisingly, not too bad. Instead of an adaptation, a sequel to the original movie, and done with some decent cinematic horror chops. It's still a TV show, but, it was alright. Season 2 got a little more saccharine and less gritty. I could have probably watched a season 3.Expulsion 🤔 (183 words) It's too bad this movie is so poorly done because, because the writing is ambitious and despite a reliance on a lot of cliches it has a little bit of an original story. A pair of garage scientists open a portal to a parallel universe and become embroiled in interdimensional intrigue as their employers attempt to take over the universe and their counterparts on the other side may or may not be what they seem. "Expulsion" refers to a universal rule that if two of the same person are in the same universe when the portal between them closes, one is "expulsed" which is never clearly explain but it involves disintegrating.Terribly acted, zero budget, all around not very well made, but as I said, that's kind of a shame. The story itself mildly entertained me, in better hands and better acted this could have been something. I thought it was definitely better than the two stars it has on IMDB. There's only so high a rating you can get with such terrible acting and production values, but it deserved better than that. Extract (93 words) Likeable enough, forgettable comedy, along the lines of past likeable-enough-but-forgettable comedies like "So Fine" or "Used Cars". Jason Bateman owns a flavoring extract company and is thinking of selling. Con artist Mila Kunis rolls through when his employee is injured on the job and stands to make a fortune in the lawsuit. Kristen Wiig is the wife sleeping with the pool boy. JK Simmons forgets people's names. David Koechner is the neighbor who collars him in his driveway every day when he comes home and can't read social cues that he's not liked.Extramundane (77 words) During the pandemic, a man takes over as property manager of a haunted Los Angeles building, which we know is haunted because people talk about it being haunted. There are noises from the garage, which we know because people talk about them, and people have disappeared mysteriously, which we know because people talk about it. And as I write this, I'm an hour into this 90 minute movie, and still waiting for something to happen.Title checks out. F (25 reviews)Faye (2021) 💤 (83 words) A writer, trying to cope with the death of her husband, rents a remote house, where she talks to herself for 90 minutes and slowly loses her marbles. This is punctuated frequently by unexplained cuts to her sitting on a stool on what appears to be a comedy nightclub stage, narrating what was going through her head. Unexplainied, mildly "spooky" things happen towards the end, like the lights going out or the doors locking themselves so she can't leave. And that's the whole movie. Fear Street, Part 1 (27 words) 1994: Imagine a slasher movie based on a series of popular teen novels. Ok, you've got it. Not bad for what it is, just _is_ what it is. The Fearway (105 words) A gorgeous couple is chased by a menacing black car being driven by Prince down a desert highway, forcing them to take refuge in an odd roadside diner where the locals seem to be hiding a secret. A more entertaining failure than many. Plays something like an episode of one of the less successful horror anthology TV shows, indulges in a lot of familiar plot devices, and telegraphs its punches very badly, but succeeds in being somewhat watchable, on those terms, mostly because of a likable cast. Don't go in expecting more than that and you might find it a passable way to kill 80 minutes.Fender Bender (1 words) Halloween.Feral (61 words) Teenagers getting picked off in the woods by zombie-type people infected with a disease... but, that said, surprisingly good, fairly original. Felt like an early-80s classic, and an ok one, not a rip-off by someone raised on those movies who loves them a little too much and thinks that's enough, as these sorts of movies often are. A pleasant surprise.The Fifth Kind (7 words) The Blair Witch Project with UFOs. Painful.The Final Project (185 words) These people take the "no cameraman" ethic of "found footage" films even further, to "no editor". This appears to be a group of banal college students with no acting experience at all who went to an empty house and improvised a horror movie (albeit one without any horror), then taped all the footage they shot together and called it done. There are interminable, pointless passages of them talking to their professors in class, sitting in the car playing "Never Have I Ever", uneventfully exploring the house and grounds, all shot with a total lack of any kind of cinematic or even sound recording quality that makes the previous recordholder for "worst first-person shooter" I'd ever seen look like Citizen Kane in comparison. No plot, no attempt to build tension, until finally, over an hour into the movie, people's cameras suddenly do the deaddrop one by one for no explained reason and everybody starts running through the house and woods yelling each other's names. Basically, it's like a bunch of students saw "The Blair Witch Project" and said, "Hey, we could do that!", but they couldn't.Flesh City 🗑 💤 (107 words) Execrable, pretentious wanna-be "avante garde" film from a Berlin filmmaker who obviously thinks "avant garde" means lots of video effects, jumpy edits, stuttering video, and half the movie being just self-indulgent music videos for his terrible music, for no reason that's ever explained.I assumed this was a student film but it turns out this filmmaker is middle-aged.Couldn't even tell you what this movie was about. It was listed under horror, and from reading about it apparently in between the music videos there's some sort of story involving a mutation. I did hear a bad actress mention Satan at one point.Turned it off halfway through.Flight 7500 (52 words) Decent enough haunted plane movie. Takes forever to get going. Guy dies mysteriously on a plane, and haunted hell brakes loose. Lots of fridge logic but creepy enough in the moment. Last 2 minutes make no sense at all but fortunatly it's pretty much wrapped up by then. Amy Smart and Leslie Bibb. Flower (184 words) By all rights, I should hate this movie. One of those sort of "heartfelt" "indie" movies starring major stars (and once again Tim Heidekker in a non-comedy role. Why?) Zoey Deutch, who has somehow raised likability to an art form, plays the manic pixie dream girl this time (hands up, everyone who's ever met a real-life pretty girl who gives impulsive blowjobs to homely guys because she feels like it), but manages not to be too overbearing beyond the basic standards of the type. She hunts for adult men to give blow jobs to, which her friends film and then use to extort money from. When her new stepdad's son gets out of rehab and moves in, she they decide to entrap a teacher he made a molestation claim against a few years earlier. From there, though, despite some predictability, the film manages to avoid cliches and sets out on its own path, and overall the characters do have some much-needed depth and nuances that these movies don't usually bother with, and I actually liked it, which is rare for these kinds of movies. Foil 🤔 (103 words) Somewhere in the same universe as Repo Man, Harold & Kumar, and Buckaroo Bonzai is this quirky buddy comedy about two slacker friends on a UFO-spotting camping trip in the desert who encounter other enthusiasts out there. I found it slightly above average, although judging from the extremely low-to-mixed reviews on IMDB, not everybody appreciated the humor like I did. And it probably doesn't rise to the level of those others I mentioned. But I liked it, I found it amusing most of the way through, although it dragged on a bit at the end. It's definitely kind of its own thing, for sure. The Folks (49 words) They did it to me again! By halfway through, I was waiting for it to end so I could write the review "Four words: creepy rural German grandparents." But then, in act III, it changed completely. Into a wholly forgettable supernatural thriller. Ah, well. The best laid plans, etc.Forbidden Planet 👍 (232 words) Tubi very intelligently put this on on autoplay right after The Thing, and I'd somehow never seen it. Another movie that is very dated and of its time, but, I actually, watching it, assumed it must have from the early to mid '60s, not 1956. It's another one of those films that you kind of have to view through the lens of its era, but I can believe that if I had been a teenager in the 1950s and saw this when it came out, without having seen everything later that it shaped, I would have thought it was incredible. I remember not all that long ago, some kids raised on modern, studio-crafted pop saying they couldn't understand what was so great about the Beatles, and I couldn't help but think of that watching this. It certainly originated a lot of common tropes: first sci-fi film to feature faster-than-light travel, first one to use an electronic soundtrack, first one set entirely on an alien world, not to mention the use of vivid color photography years before the black-and-white era ended, and in terms of its production and many of the tropes it uses it's very easy to see the influence on later shows on up until "Star Trek" and beyond. It's hard to believe it preceded Star Trek by at least 10 years, in that sense it still seems ahead of its time.Foreclosure (2014) (82 words) Tubi followed Foreclosure (2022) with this terrible 2014 movie of the same name. Michael Imperioli, his son, and his racist dad move into a house where a young Black man was once lynched, lose their minds, start seeing actors on old-tymey costumes and pancake makeup around the house while the ghost of the lynched man looks on. Some of the shakiest, most amateur hand-held camerawork I've seen. Imperioli has been in Goodfellas and The Sopranos. How did he let himself get involved with this?Foreclosure (2022) (37 words) Having seen the execrable sequel, I let morbid curiosity goas me into watching this. A gorgeous couple moves into a house hoping to see a ghost, and nothing happens, unless you consider wooden acting to be something.Foreclosure 2 (55 words) The worst-acted movie I've ever seen. A writer moves into a house and becomes obsessed with a ghost, showing up in a cinematic experience with apparently no lighting, the least-competent handheld camerawork I've ever seen, and a single special effect which consists of lighting rooms with a red lightbulb. What was this the sequel to?Found (2012) (422 words) [posted to IMDB, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2149360/]I just got floored by this movie. I can only assume the low rating is because so many horror fans have absolutely terrible taste in movies.This is the kind of low-budget miracle that often lacks a lot—the acting is spotty, the effects aren't great, the pacing is awkward—but somehow manages to make up for it with heart, with an original idea, with a strong, strangely evocative narrative. This film is Decadent, in the aesthetic sense of the word. Like some of Baudelaire's best poems, its imagery and narrative are truly horrible, and in fact it's extremely gory, but somehow it manages to say something new and somehow very darkly beautiful. It helps that the emphasis is not on scares, but rather on telling a story.In that way, it reminds me very much of "The Hamiltons", another super-low-budget, kind of quiet, unambitious indie film that puts any kind of cheap thrills in the back seat in favor of telling a redemptive story about relationships... unusual relationships not quite like anything seen elsewhere, and rather horrible ones at that, but with just enough familiar about them, portrayed with enough depth, to make you care about these monstrous characters. "Found" shares those qualities.I really enjoyed it, not as a horror movie, but rather as a movie that happens to require horror to tell its story. As an added bonus, it ends far more satisfyingly than most low- budget films, despite not providing the least bit of resolution. It's a neat trick, and casts a favorable light back on the whole movie, even the earlier parts where it's still trying to find its footing.Again, if you're looking for shocks, ingenious torture and over-the-top imaginative brutality, this is absolutely not that kind of movie. But those whose tastes lean towards Poe and Baudelaire, and can tolerate the usual shortcomings of less-than-professional filmmaking, will probably enjoy this very much. It works.[Note, 2023: I must've seen this, and written this review, a long time ago. I don't remember this film at all, even looking it up on IMDB, where I rated it a '9' at some point in the past. Given what a positive review I gave it, I'm marking it as a favorite, but mostly just to remind myself to track it down and watch it again to see if it actually is. Odd that I wouldn't remember something I liked this much. —Mike]Originally posted on my blog Sloth And Dignity.The Fourth Kind (49 words) Milla Jovovich, who must be Hollywood's least charismatic leading lady, fronts a correspondingly leaden take on ufo abductions or some such nonsense, made worse by half the movie being pretend "documentary" footage, followed or often even split-screened with "dramatic recreations" of the same scene for no adequately explained reason.Fractured (58 words) Well-made but very cliched "The Lady Vanishes" plot-twisty thriller. Gorgeous man takes gorgeous wife and injured daughter to hospital during a road trip, returns to pick them up later and is told he was there alone earlier. Predictable all the way through, and with hefty doses of before-you-even-get-to-the-fridge logic. But, mildly entertaining, on the better end of mediocre.Friend Request (82 words) Pale, hoodie-wearing outcast friend-requests Alicia Debnam-Carey, who I really would have hoped had brighter prospects than this, then kills herself, after which gorgeous teens die one by one for the slimmest of reasons. As slick and terrible as you imagine a teen horror movie about Facebook would be, especially once I've told you it contains the line "Unfriend that dead BITCH!" So, you know what you're getting into. (Not to be confused with the similar Unfriended, a prior horror movie about Facebook.)The Friendship Game (80 words) A girl buys an evil-looking artifact at a garage sale that a woman smilingly tells her, "It's a friendship game. You put your hands on it and speak your innermost desire. If your friendship doesn't survive the game, neither do you." So of course she buys it and plays it with her friends. Unfortunately the woman didn't tell her the other part of the curse: it puts you in a movie with a totally nonlinear narrative that makes no sense.Fright Night (2011 remake) (93 words) Remake of an 80s horror flick I'm sure I saw and would probably remember if it was worth it. Remake was entertaining enough, about as much of a horror movie as "Odd Thomas" was. But a fun-enough supernatural horror/comedy/action movie, with some good special effects, and decent actors like Colin Farrell and David Tennant. Apparently Spielberg helped with the editing, which makes sense, and it probably helped to have Buffy The Vampire Slayer producer Marti Noxon involved too, bringing forward a few things she already knew how to do very well. From the Dark (18 words) The Final Girl kills the maniac. Set on an Irish Farm. I didn't pay much attention to it.Funhouse (81 words) Torture porn with a ham-fisted social message. A leering, smug, designed-to-be-hatable billionaire fed up with the"Kardashianization of humanity"(yes, they use that phrase in the movie) imprisons a bunch of reality show stars in a house where they must engage in competitions that inevitably end in them torturing or killing each other, while it's all broadcast live over the internet for the world to vote on who gets the axe next, which somehow helps with the Kardashianization because movie. Yawn.Futureland (76 words) I saw what I thought was going to be a mid-80s "Mad Max" ripoff, and it turned out to be in a mid-2010s ripoff of a mid-80s "Mad Max" ripoff. James Franco, Milla Jovovich, and Lucy Lui, amusingly also featuring Snoop Dogg playing a post-apocalyptic version of himself who, in the film's only entertaining moment, finally gets the shit kicked out of him by a bunch of his "hoes" in a post-closing-credits sequence. G (20 reviews)Gaia (188 words) Wow, sometimes you stumble across an unexpected gem. The setup is a remote pair of forest rangers checking trail cams stumble across a pair of survivalists, initially promising to be a standard backwoods captivity/pursuit flick with no more to commend it than the notably gorgeous digital cinematography (which happily holds up from start to finish). Fortunately it turns out to be something else: a quiet and pretty original creature feature/body horror outing that I bet admirers of both Svenkmayer and Cronenberg would find things to enjoy in, not to mention being consistently well-directed and visually beautiful enough to evoke Lars von Trier's earlier years. One of those horror films that probably pleased a lot of high-minded critics. I have little doubt Roger Ebert would have greatly enjoyed it, and I'm sorry not to be able to read his review of it. I'll remember this one, and watch it again. Also notable for proving that, given some English dialog here and there and enough craft to thoroughly pull me in, a film can lean pretty heavy into foreign language and subtitles and yet not lose my attention.The Gallows Act II (38 words) Some nonsense about a high school actress who looks like Julia Teal, this girl I once met, and who is haunted by a meme, or something. She reads a haunted monologue and then scary shit happens, I guess. The Garden (122 words) Lance Henriksen stars as an old farmer. Religious themes—some traditional, some made up just for the movie—abound as a workman and his young son, who is prone to "visions" (which I guess plays better in a supernatural drama than "schizophrenia") come to stay for a while and it becomes apparent to them that everything in the entire place is a metaphor for the book of Genesis. Henriksen is compelling as usual, presuming you like him as an actor. I do. He manages to give his usual understated, low-key burn to the development of a character that many actors probably would have played over-the-top and made unbelievable. I liked it for that. Not really much beyond that to commend it, though. The Garden (18 words) Lance Henrikson as the Devil as a rancher. Solid supernatural drama. A good watch, not bad at all.The Gate (56 words) Kind of suprised this isn't considered a "kids horror movie" classic, a la Goonies. 1980s kids horror movie, starts off sucking pretty bad for a good bit of its length but eventually goes so far over the top it lands in "so bad it's good" country. The special effects and creature are noticeably good for claymation. The Gentleman (32 words) Perfectly passable"When A Stranger Calls"-style thriller about a phone helpline worker terrorized by a stalker known for attacking pregnant women in their homes. Pleasant for having a much stronger-than-usual heroine.Geostorm (65 words) Picture this: An action scifi/thriller in which an advanced satellite is being used to create extreme weather all over the globe, including a cold front in Rio which is shown literally freezing beachgoers solid in their tracks, and which, near the end, shows the Vice President of the United States shooting a rocket launcher at the President. This is *exactly* the movie you're imagining.The Ghost Lights (29 words) Okay timey-wimey supernatural drama about a woman driving across Texas after her journalist father's death to investigate the "ghost lights" that he investigated a generation ago. It was ok. Ghost Of Goodnight Lane (51 words) Ghost of a little girl holds the gorgeous members of a film production company captive in their office and kills them one by one in cartoonishly horrible ways. sub-mediocre, formulaic with occasional bits of humor. A charismatically bloviating Billy Zane as the director. Probably not quite "USA Up All Night" quality.The Gift (2000) (78 words) Joe Dante in "workmanlike mainstream director" mode. A woman with psychic powers is drawn in to a murder trial and followup investigation in this dirtbag rural whodunit. I find it hard to buy a town full of "rednecks" played almost entirely by recognizable A-list celebrities: Keanu Reeves, Hillary Swank, Katie Holmes, Greg Kinnear, Blake Lively, JK Simmons. I could buy maybe one or two of these people as rednecks talking with fake southern accents, but, all of them? The Gift (2015) (122 words) Terribly miscast Jason Bateman—who doesn't have the range to be believable as a bully when he's just been acting like relatable Michael Bluth for the first half of the movie—in an otherwise ok thriller carried mostly by the strong performanmce of Rebecca Hall, as appealing as if Jenny Agutter was brought forward in a time machine from 1978, as his wife. Couple moves back to LA, reconnects with disturbingly eccentric childhood acquaintance (and writer/director) Joel Edgerton, who seems to have some sort of unhealthy interest in them. Secrets are revealed. Blah blah blah. Like I said, Rebecca Hall carries it. Does build well to a much more twisted revenge thriller ending than it ever lets on it's going to be.Girls (TV show) (57 words) All the cringeworthy, painful embarrassment* of 90210 and sheer greasy self-involved repugnance of Sex And The City. Halfway through the first episode I was gripped by a paralyzing fear that outside my life and your life, the world actually is really like this. (*until you add Chris O'Dowd. And then it actually exceeds the cringeworthy, painful embarrassment of 90210.)The Girl With All The Gifts 👍 (190 words) Note: due to a wordpress plugin glitch, this movie's title may be truncated. It's "The Girl With All The Gifts"Kind of a new take on some tired old zombie tropes. This starts off reeeeeeally dull for a while but eventually picks up nicely. It's one of those British horror films that tries to actually be a good movie rather than just going for scares, and by and large it works. It's got pretty much the first new ideas of any sort in the genre since "28 Days Later", which it builds on thematically with its infected-humans-standing-in-for-living-dead trope.If "Night Of The Living Dead" is the Beatles of zombie movies, and "28 Days Later" is the Rolling Stones, this is the Faces at their best. (And, by the way, continuing the metaphor, "Dawn Of The Dead" is Paul McCartney & Wings at their peak, and the obscure 1964 Vincent Price movie "The Last Man on Earth" is Chuck Berry.)Don't want to say too much because I don't want to ruin it. But, suffice to say: what if the standard post-apocalyptic zombie infection film is just the /beginning/ of something? This film goes there. The Glass House (70 words) The kind of movie-Of-The-Week "thriller" fare that is entirely suitable as background noise, this time about a yuppie couple in debt that has their sights set on their foster kids' trust fund after offing their parents. Worth watching only to rest your eyes the incredibly beautiful Diane Lane until she dies about 2/3 through, and an incredible beautiful glass-block-and-steel house, which survives. Leelee Sobiewski plays a pretty effective mopey teen, somehow.Good Satan (44 words) irreverent, deeply irreligious low-budget spoof about a bumbling Satan, yes, *that* Satan, trying to scheme his way back into heaven. Kind of charming and funny. Guaranteed to offend the devout. Avoid if you are offended by scenes of your preferred deity having gay sex.Gravity (88 words) I didn't expect to like this one. Sandra Bullock and George Clooney as gorgeous astronauts stranded in space when their space station is clobbered by space junk, trying to find a way to get back to earth alive. Really spectacular 3D effects throughout keep it visually engaging, and unique and well-made enough to work. I still don't buy the hollywood casting, but, if you imagine it with more realistic unknowns who were better actors and less just charismatic gorgeous people, you'll realize it's actually a pretty good movie.The Green Inferno (207 words) Eli Roth, once again showing his ability to waste his more than adequate filmmaking skills on torture porn the sake of nothing but torture porn, technically well-done but with nothing to actually redeem it beyond the extent to which you enjoy obscenely unflinching brutality, and no originality, only novelty in persuit of the same, just a masterful abilty at repeating the exact sort of think he's seen before, tweaked just enough to be a different movie. Even the name is ripped off from a device used in the genuine gore classic "Cannibal Holocaust". Plus, despite showing the most graphic violence imaginable, he studiosly avoids showing so much as a nipple during this films more than an hour of showing "amazonian natives" running wild. I have to imagine there's an x-rated cut of this floating around somewhere, and honestly, I'd respect that more than this. You want to be genuinely transgressive, that's one thing, but this is somehow torture porn and yet totally prudish.I mean, look. I liked "Cannibal Holocaust" too. But there's a difference between somebody making "Cannibal Holocaust", and somebody seeing "Cannibal Holocaust" and saying, "I want to make that too." Except, you know, also including some standard de riguer cliches from newer cliched movies.Grey Agenda 🗑 (53 words) One of those movies that seems like someone wrote a script in a couple of days, got a video camera and a bunch of their friends together to make a "movie". Porn-movie-level "acting", and overall the zero-budget-crappiest of zero-budget-crap that I ever turned off after less than 20 minutes. Some bullshit about alien conspiracies.Greyhound (110 words) Tom Hanks, whose enduring fame I'm at a loss to understand, as the captain of a WWII battleship, engages in a North Atlantic naval battle against Nazi subs in this actually pretty enjoyable bit of fluff. Basically a straight, he-man war movie lacking any nuance, but, you know, I was in the mood for it. Doesn't go very far over the top, which keeps it watchable. Nazis, heard only over the ship's radio, are portrayed as a suitably sneering and murderous enemy that there's no possible moral ambiguity to rooting for their offscreen (totally underwater, actually) deaths. Just in case anyone hadn't got the memo yet that Nazis are bad.Guys At Parties Like It (140 words) Hunh. Story is, the very worst sort of stereotypically rapey movie frat boys don't take it kindly when a woman fights back. She fights back harder. They get nastier. It seems like these folks set out to make an '80s-style "video nasty", with a feminist slant. Sort reminiscent of of a modern "I Spit On Your Grave" in that way. None of this is my favorite thing by a long shot, but, they did do what they seem to have set out to do. The social commentary is about an inch deep, and most of the characters are paper-thin, but I get the sense any sort of social awareness is just a justification for the violence, anyway, so I didn't really care. No way I'll be watching this again, nor would I ever recommend this as something to watch. H (49 reviews)H. (98 words) Odd sort of, I dunno, drama? Two women at the opposite ends of motherhood deal with life after an astronomical event over Troy, NY. Low-key enough to be unpretentious in a way that arty films like this usually aren't, which makes it watchable, as do the likeable cast and performances. But don't come looking for sense, story, or resolution, there isn't any of any of those. I kind of enjoyed it because of how low-key it was and because it was set in Troy, near old stomping grounds of mine, but the lack of sense ultimately bothered me.Hail Caesar (44 words) Apparently this is a Coen Brothers film. And visually, it looks as good as any. Doesn't appear to have a plot, other than "The Coen Brothers love 1940s Hollywood" and "There are star cameos in this movie". Maybe other film industry folks liked this. Halloween Party 🤔 💩 (181 words) So, this is a little different for a teen scream... this uninteresting-sounding tale is about a meme email that spreads around and forces you to be killed by your deepest fear if you don't click the link (yes, it's another horror movie about the internet, usually a bad sign.) It starts weak, but ends up being just a slight cut above, just barely, due to good acting and unusual casting of actual realistically geeky characters as geeks, and then giving them respectable roles. Turns out it's a Canadian film, so, ok. It also had a lot of funny little snappy patter, it sounded like the way wiseass kids really talk. Pretty much bottom of the barrel for Canadian horror but still, that means a cut above bottom of the barrel compared to most. It's sort of slightly-better-than-total-crap in that "Final Destination", actually-kind-of-decent-teen-scream way, which works even better for me because I totally didn't expect it. C'mon, "Halloween Party"? Memes? But, yeah. I wouldn't necessarily go so far as to recommend it, but I liked it. It was better than complete crap. Hall Pass (165 words) I gave it a shot because I was feeling braindead and it stars Owen Wilson (who I'm somehow not quite tired of yet) and Jason Sudeikis (who I still like, which we can probably credit to lingering afterglow from "Son Of Zorn"), rather than the usual never-once-have-made-me-laugh suspects (Sandler, etc.) And for maybe the first half of the movie it feel list maybe the Farrelly brothers have maybe matured just a tiny bit, from trying to appeal to 4th graders' sense of humor to maybe even 9th graders'. But by the time the "humor" degenerates to "black men have huge dicks, and, that makes other men uncomfortable" you realize things have gotten worse, if anything, and it's not a matter of maturity, but just plain stupidity. And, I wonder, what audience both: 1.) demands a brainless, cliched redemptive ending; and, also, 2.) thinks a person sneezing so hard they shit is, all by itself, funny enough to waste film minutes on? Does such a person really exist? The Hamiltons 🧡 (326 words) A personal favorite. I'm really surprised by the low audience score for this film. It's definitely not your usual horror movie, and if you're in it for scares, gore, or action (of which there is little, little, and almost none, respectively), you're going to be disappointed. This ain't "Saw". It's just as much a coming-of-age family drama as it is a horror film, and it's got as much heart as an afterschool special. In theory, that could go either way, but in this case, it's so well put-together, and ticks along so smoothly, that it adds up to as very satisfying and rather unique, if homespun and small-scale, film. It doesn't aspire to be more than it is, it just tells a good and original story with near-complete economy and a skill that belies its overall amateurish production values. If a horror classic such as "The Shining" is a banquet, then "The Hamiltons" is a deli sandwich— but the kind of satisfying, delicious deli sandwich that keeps you full all day, the kind you walk away from thinking, "Wow, that guy really knows how to make a sandwich." There's a reason the scant few professional reviews describe it as "satisfying" and a "gem". It has a few truly original narrative twists to it and manages to completely avoid genre cliches, except to subsequently turn them on their heads. It unfurls essential story details slowly and deliberately over the entire course of the film, without ever giving away any more of what's to come than essential to the plot, or useful to provide some subtle entertainment to those noticing the clever foreshadowing on 2nd or 3rd viewing. By the end of the movie, all loose ends are tied up logically and realistically, and it really doesn't have a single plot hole. How many other horror movies can you say any of these things about? I've watched this a handful of times now, and I always enjoy it.The Handmaid's Tale [series] (65 words) Am I the only one who thinks the most recent couple of seasons of thhis are nothing but oppression porn? It's like, "Last episode, women were treated very very badly. In this episode, women are treated very very badly. Be sure to tune in next week, when women will be treated very very badly." The vast real-life importance of gender equality doesn't make that entertainment. Hansel And Gretel Get Baked (41 words) Stoner splatstick, which I guess is at least sort of original. The animated plastic remains of Lara Flynn-Boyle play a witch who lures stoners into her house with weed and eats them. Meh. Entertaining, I guess, sort of, a little, maybe.Harbinger Down (34 words) Monster found in an iceberg slowly picks off crew of Bering Sea ship. Once again proves that if you find yourself in a horror movie scenario, the key to survival is outliving Lance Hendriksen.The Hatred (43 words) Incredibly beautiful lead actress is the only conspicuous feature of this rote, by-the-numbers kids-on-vacation-in-a-haunted-house story. Oh, yeah, also, one cheap scare with what turns out to be the world’s scariest pizza delivery guy. I forgot this movie almost immediately after watching it. Haunt (74 words) A group of teenagers are victimized in an "extreme haunt" amusement. Couldn't sound worse, right? Surprise! This film doesn't aim very high, and thereby it succeeds where few do, by actually being scary. It's pretty much the best case scenario for stupid, trite "teen scream" horror, and one of the best date horror movies I've ever seen. Rob Zombie has tried several times to make this movie and failed more often than he succeeded. The Haunted (27 words) English film. Girl hired to be caretaker for invalid at dark, scary haunted house runs around dark, scary house being scared of ghosts. Not bad for that.Haunted By Her Name (73 words) This indiest of indie flicks is tediously slow. Billed as a guy being increasingly haunted by his recently-dead ex, what it actually is is about 20 minutes of a guy driving around interspersed among about an hour of two guys talking, and then 5 minutes of "plot twist" and incredibly amateurishly-acted-and-shot "action" at the end. Avoid. Well-meaninged but should have been a 15 minute short, not a feature film, and still wouldn't have been very good.Haunter 👍 (116 words) Not sure why this movie isn't better known. The ghost of a murdered girl, trapped in the day of her death in the 80s, learns to travel backwards and forward in time meeting other eras' residents. Donnie Darko meets The Lovely Bones meets A Nightmare On Elm Street. Enjoyable film, well done, and, especially memorable for, a freaky "futuristic" take on current real-life 2015, during a flashforward into the present-day "future" which shows no technology that doesn't actually exist today, yet, by comparison to the 1980s context of the film, all suddenly appears to the viewer to be advanced and futuristic. This should probably be a cult favorite.Another effective Canadian film. How do they do it?The Haunting of Pearson Place (31 words) Fairly paint-by-numbers haunted house story in which a young couple buy a country home not realizing it's inhabited by wooden actors that never blink and speak through an electronic pitch shifter.Head Count (156 words) You know, I kind of liked this movie. What should have been a standard C-grade teens-getting-picked-off-in-a-remote-location horror movie packs some genuine creepiness in there, as teens in the deserve inadvertently summon a... well, it never explains exactly what the "Hisji" evil entity really is, but it can fuck with electricity and confuse the hell out of its victims before offing them. More about building mood than jump scares or gore, and while it isn't a great film, or even a very good one, it definitely has that going for it, and I liked it for that. Way less crappy that, say, "Candyman". In fact, not really crappy at all, just kind of... only-moderately-unambitious, at worst. The AV club has a pretty good review at https://film.avclub.com/one-of-the-biggest-horror-movie-scares-of-the-year-happ-1835452053, saying all the scares happen in well-lit scenes, and that this is not "don't go in the basement" horror, which is a good way of putting it. Head On A Plate (186 words) Ok, with that title, I had some idea what I was getting into. Weirdly slow-moving adult-xxx-film quality starring, apparently, washed-up adult film stars. These aren't even actors, at first I thought the guy just got a bunch of his friends to be in it. Written, directed, and produced by one guy, starring his wife. Plus lots of weird long sequences of people just looking at each other. This is what you get when you cut the sex out of porn and replace it with sci-fi and aliens eating people's brains. I mean it! It's a porn. But with sci-fi instead of sex. Which, you know, I don't like the whole "so bad it's good" thing, but, boy, in this case, they really committed to doing what they were going to do. One of the lowest-rated films I've seen on IMDB, 1.6 out of 10 with over 130 ratings, and that is exactly right. In an abstract way, I admire it. Er, perhaps that's putting it strongly. I find its existence amusing. (EDIT: No doubt about it, these actually are porn actors, the lead actress once won an AVN award.)Held (38 words) Vacationing couple is held captive in a high-tech vacation house where a mysterious booming voice forces them to learn etiquette. Vaguely tries to do for gender politics what "Get Out" did for race politics, and fails pretty badly. Herd 📺 (292 words) Ok, this movie couldn't have seemed less promising: "A woman running from her past is trapped between a zombie outbreak and warring militia groups." Great. But it turns out, this is a more of a flawed gem... deeply flawed in some ways but also very well done in others.Inside of the first few minutes it became apparent this was a little better than that. The acting and dialog seemed good, somehow. Cliche'd ominous background news reports about a viral outbreak are downplayed and handled well for something we've seen so many times before. The couple goes on a 5-day canoe trip and then quickly fall to arguing, and for a little while, this turns into one of those movies that kills time by having a couple negotiate their relationship onscreen for the viewers—my favorite thing—before the canoe capsizes, one's leg is broken, and they must take to land to try and find help. And then the zombie movie starts.And, it's a pretty good zombie movie, actually, with one major failing: it came after The Walking Dead. We've already seen tough-as-nails bands of scrappy survivors, but will-played and with some occasional real depth and character development, battle each other and the remains of the cops and military. If not for having seen it before, I'd have said this was really good. As it is, it could have stood as one of the better episodes of The Walking Dead. In fact, in some ways it feels like a TV pilot, but in a good way. Would have been a great pilot of a derivative show. If The Walking Dead hadn't existed, this would have been worth recommending. It's better than "Fear The Walking Dead", and, I actually kinda liked that.Here Alone (23 words) Woman survives intrigue and lust in the woods in post-zombie-apocalyptic drama with almost no zombies. Drama, not a horror film. Pretty good actually.Hi Death 🗑 (41 words) Perhaps the worst horror anthology film I've ever seen. A horror tour of Hollywood is the pretext for a 4 or 5 zero-budget, "hey guys let's make a movie!" sub-USA-Up-All-Nite horror shorts. I can't believe there are 4 or 5 directors making films this bad. Hideaway (68 words) Well, I wondered what a horror movie with Jeff Goldblum and Alicia Silverstone might be like. This seems like a TV movie. A near-death experience psychically links Goldblum with teen serial killer played by a young Jeremy Sisto. Silverstone sulks and does not much else. Eventually a supernatural element is introduced involving what probably looked like hella cool CGI effects in 1995, but I'd long lost interest by then. Higher Power (115 words) Turgid pacing in the first half nearly kills this sci-fi outing. An acceptable second half, with truly beautiful visuals, is still not quite strong enough to be worth waiting for. An alcoholic who resembles my long-lost friend Greg Van Ness is selected by a scientist to save the world from an incoming gamma ray burst by first having mind control devices implanted into him, and goading him (much too slowly) into an accident that gives him god-like powers. I googled afterwards, turns out this is the first directorial outing from a guy who did visual effects on a bunch of big, cosmic superhero movies. Makes sense. The VFX are great. He should do music videos. Hillwalkers (32 words) Captivity/pursuit flick. Hikers in the remote Irish moors get injured and cut across private property trying to get help, only to be imprisoned and tortured by the members of Jethro Tull. Hit&Run (34 words) Two things I can't stand: 1.) unbearably twee, self-consciously "quirky" comedies; and 2.) Tom Arnold being cast as anything other than the one white guy on the Soul Plane. I lasted like 20 minutes on this movie.The Hole In The Ground (58 words) Despite a little predictability, this Irish tale of a young mother who moves out to the woods and begins to suspect that her son has been replaced by an impostor is a decent enough view. The acting is decent, the score is creepy, it's well-made enough, if not exactly exciting. I don't regret the time spent watching it. Homebound (63 words) Middling British suspense flick about a man bringing his new fiancee to meet the kids. The kids are acting strange, mom is nowhere to be seen, eventually things turn violent and although the suspenseful mood is done well not much is explained. In the end it turns out mom is in the cellar, it's implied she's dead, but why? Movie ends without saying. Home Movie (47 words) you knew somebody was eventually going to make a movie that justified the use of the first person camera perspective. This is the one. Evil kids destroy their family, As seen through the family's home movies. Not exactly what I'd call a "serious" horror film, but entertaining.Honeydew (200 words) The unease of "Eraserhead" combined with the eerie farmhouse atmosphere of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" without being as weird or memorable as either. Arthouse pretensions slightly detract from what is just derivative enough, and just original enough, that they people who made it probably were thinking about how it would have played in 1976, and it might have been a minor classic if it had been made back then, but it's not 1976 anymore, and they should have made something that was going to play well today in front of audiences who've seen a lot of variations at this point on what succeeded in 1976. Annoying couple camping on what turns out to be private land are told to leave, and wouldn't you know it, their battery is dead... but walking up the road, there's a farmhouse... and here, I know what you're thinking. No, picture less violence, more of a slow-burner. The pacing, which a lot of gore fans complained about in IMDB, is actually alright, I like a movie that doesn't show its cards all at once. But this isn't a slow-burner that eventually ignites like dynamite, more like a firecracker. It doesn't leave you with as much as it wants to.The Honeymoon Phase (151 words) Talk about a swing and a miss. Very strong performances fail to save a sci-fi flick that the director just wasn't up to handling the central relationship complexities and slightly twisty plot that he himself wrote. A couple is offered $50,000 to stay in a house for a month as part of an ostensible relationship study that turns out to be something darker. The palpable chemistry between the lead actors (the woman of whom was actually the writer/director's wife) gets this off to a very strong start, but the obviously contrived and sometimes difficult-to-follow way in which the "drama" develops breaks the spell and as the action gets harder to believe and the plot gets more confusing the film simply never recovers. Disappointing, it started out looking like it was really going to be good. Picture a "Black Mirror" episode directed by someone who just wasn't adept at handling plot twists.Hoodman (59 words) It's Hoodman, not Candyman or Bloody Mary, that a young mother believes took her son, rather than him dying in a car crash she can't remember, in this unexciting, paint-by-numbers supernatural thriller with a soundtrack full of conventionally ominous low, metallic drones and skirling violin stabs. Hoodman. Not Candyman.I kinda would have enjoyed the soundtrack without the movie. Horror Hospital 🗑 (86 words) An unmistakably glam 1975 exploitation outing, like "Rocky Horror" trying to play it straight as a horror film, with none of the fun, ideas, or budget. A glam rocker, apparently played by Eric Burdon trying to play "Alex" from Clockwork Orange, goes on vacation to a mansion where they're performing experiments on humans. 100% exploitation garbage, if you're into that sort of thing.Notable for being the oldest movie I've ever seen that opens with a "kill" scene (I always wondered when that idea began) and the fakest-looking.Horse Girl (65 words) Alison Brie as a young woman falling over the edge into complete psychotic breakdown in a painfully indie film that even Alison Brie as a young woman falling over the edge into complete psychotic breakdown can't make interesting. Duplass Brothers project, meaning it's not totally uninteresting, but in this case they save it all for the third act and by that time I'd lost interest. Hosts (260 words) Well, this is sure to be polarizing. Notably well directed, creepy, builds tension extremely well, very nice gloomy cinematography, the production values were totally on point... all for purposes of showing 90 minutes of the flimsiest of reasons for a nonstop bloodbath, just cruelty and violence as entertainment. Couple gets possessed by... um, something, it's never explained what... but it makes their eyes glow occasionally just so you know they're evil, and makes them want to brutally torture people, and spread the possession to other people, and that's the entirety of the plot. Oh, also, the way you get possessed is the possessed people show you a video of a cave or something and then your mouth lights up like a flashlight. The rest is cruelty and violence. I mean, like, on the few occasions when one of the possessed people gets taken out, you briefly see a glowing mist escape their mouths and their eyes turn normal, just so you know they're back and the people who caught them are now killing their actual, non-possessed loved ones. And that happens more than once. That kind of cruelty. And with no explanation other than "unexplained lights floating around". Then there's the fact that before the carnage starts, somehow nobody notices the "possessed" people acting like stiff zombies for maybe 20 minutes until it suddenly gets bloody and they snap back to life. Happily, mostly incredibly low reviews on IMDB, restoring my faith in humanity... a story this thin, even the terrific production values didn't fool any but the absolute least discriminating viewers.Hotel Of The Damned (65 words) Hardbitten ex-cons out of Quentin Tarantino, the kind of guy Michael Madsen is never quite convincing playing, get stuck in a hotel in backwoods Romania with a bunch of maneating, machete-weilding savages. Tough guys, guns, monsters. Now you know. Not bad, if you don't go in with any expectations, although after the chase scene stretches into its second half hour it becomes a bit tedious.Housebound (41 words) Alright. Petulant Kiwi teen under house arrest, ankle monitor and all, with her crazy family in big old house. Things go bump in the walls, as what looks like a setup for supernatural horror turns into a pretty decent non-supernatural thriller. House Hunting (85 words) Decent supernatural thriller with Mr. No-Nonsense, Art La Fleur. Two families are lured to look at a house out in the woods, arrive to nearly hit a young girl in the road with her tongue cut out, and soon discover they can’t leave the property. Every attempt to drive or walk back to the road just puts them back at the house. 7 cans of beef stew keep reappearing in the pantry every day. Months pass. Everybody goes a little insane, dead relatives appear, etc. House Of Inequity (5 words) "Australian for torture/captivity flick".House of Screaming Death (27 words) An anthology Film from 2017 that feels for all the world like it's from about 1967, in which a mysterious Hitchockesque man tells four tales in which nothing happens.House of Screaming Glass (299 words) As tediously pretentious, and unqualified to be so, as it gets. A woman inherits a empty schoolhouse from a grandmother she's never met. She wanders around, giving a pretentious voiceover. She plays the "moonlight sonata" for five long minutes, and nothing else happens during that time, while an out-of-focus ghostly figure stands behind her. She wanders around the grounds. She hears a noise upstairs, grabs a knife, and takes, I shit you not, what feels like 5 minutes to ascend the stairs to the next floor. Hands reach out of the darkness and cover her mouth as she screams, then we suddenly cut to a camera pointed upwards towards the front facade of the building that slowly moves closer, then further away, then closer, then further away again, with the scene fading in and out and in again, over and over, because, it's artistic, I suppose, before we then see her again, digging through old trunks, apparently totally fine, no clue what the hands were. Over an hour into the movie, she intones the first line of actual dialogue: she flatly says, "I feel... I am not alone... in the house... and yet... I am.... alone... in the house..." and then stares for several minutes, occasionally taking a sip from a bottle in as close as this movie gets to excitement. Then we're treated to extreme close ups of her squeezing blood blisters and goo-covered skin growths. Eventually, a weird creature makes an appearance and gives her an orgasm, but by then it's much too late. Then, they cut to her staring at the camera with an intense expression on her face and tinkling random notes on the piano, for five minutes. Then another scene of her just staring for several minutes. Somebody should be punished for making this movie.The Houses October Built 2 (67 words) Half a very lazy documentary about novelty haunted house attractions, grafted onto half an execrable first-person shooter with every single failing a FPS could have. I guess they didn't have enough to make a full lazy documentary or a full lousy horror movie. Twice. BTW, memo to filmmakers: The Pacific coast is extremely recognizable. You can't shoot Kitsap County for North Carolina. Especially the beaches. Totally different. The House That Jack Built (317 words) I spent the first half of this movie convinced that Lars von Trier had finally descended into sheer pointless brutality. And, granted, even after it drastically changes character into a completely different film by the end, and has spent a lot of time on digressions about the meaning of art, I'm still not sure "Human Centipede 2" would have been any different, if it had had the scantest of art-house pretensions and a couple of philosophical digressions. But, damn, LvT is still an incredibly talented director, and by the end, Matt Dillon's repulsive, unsympathetic performance starts to look like the role of his career. Leave it to LvT to once again, as he did with the totally unenjoyable masterpiece Antichrist, show that cinematic greatness and entertainment are not necessarily related even in passing. I just hope he'll stop trying to prove that morality isn't necessarily related either—I feel like the point has been made. Still, he's once again landed within the realm of where I had to grudgingly say I must respect, maybe even liked, the film. Eventually. But I totally understand the walkouts at Cannes, and though I suspect LvT had enjoyed so successfully tricking people into missing what they wound up missing, I do wonder if that's a director's job. Whatever redeeming qualities it may have, if it has any, show up strictly in the second half, maybe even just within the last third or quarter. It takes a really long time before this film even remotely tips its hand where it's going, or that it might actually have something to say. Not surprisingly for LvT, this movie actually left me in a place where I didn't feel like moving on to watch another horror movie after it, a rare thing for me, and probably some kind of testament to his skill as a filmmaker, no matter how exploitative a lot of this movie seemed. Howl 👍 (99 words) Captivity werewolf flick, but sort of a cut above, a little. People trapped on a derailed train in the English countryside in a new take on the werewolf tale from the creator of The Descent.As might be suggested by that last bit, good direction makes it overall slightly better than it might have been... Actually very decent for what it is, fairly well-done and original for a monster movie, I liked it.Not an A, definitely a 'B' picture, but kind of a 'B+' one. Pretty grisly, but a movie like this kind of needs to be.Humanoids From The Deep (50 words) Hilariously bad, phenomenally dated 1980 exploitation monster movie, from right before everything became either a slasher picture or "Hellraiser". Basically Jaws but with many sharks instead of just one, and the Creature From The Black Lagoon instead of sharks, and a whole lot more jiggling boobs. Lots of cool pyrotechnics, too.Human Resources 🤔 💩 (267 words) I'm having a hard time figuring out what to say about this, so the IMDB blurb will do: "After starting a job at an eerie hardware store, an anxious young man uncovers a shocking mystery that leads to a fight against terrifying forces that lurk just behind the walls."You know what? It's a bad movie, sure. But... I liked it. It doesn't take itself too seriously. A likeable, if perpetually worried-seeming, med student gets a part time job and a big hardware store where things gradually seem just a little bit off. The pacing is awful, but the third act is at least ambitious, more so than the first two acts leave you prepared for.It's a pretty badly flawed movie. Plot points are never wrapped up, and the pacing isn't great, but... it does have a plot. And it's an amusing one, at least. And, by the end, you can tell they at least made a real effort, not like a lot of crap horror films where they don't quite bother all the way.I has like 4 stars on IMDB, and I think it deserves a little better than that. I can totally understand people not liking it at all, but I also understand a handful of people here and there giving it 6 or 7 stars and saying things like, "Meet it on its own terms and it's not all that bad."It's undisputably a bad movie. But, if you go into it expecting that... you might find it a little more entertaining by the end than you expected. Only a little, but, yeah, a little. Humpday (93 words) I am really surprised I liked this movie, it has all the hallmarks of things I don't like, being a single-camera handheld exploration of middle-class sexual mores. But, typical of seemingly anything the name "Duplass" appears in conjnunction with, it was at least interesting. It presents a realistic scenario in which two straight friends wind up deciding to do a gay porn film together, and avoids a lot of the cliches and self-absorption that make these kinds of films often hard to tolerate. (Note: same director as the series "Little Fires Everywhere", FWIW.)Hungerford (37 words) First person shooter. Zero budget, almost a home movie, except for the last 10 minutes, which they apparently spent the whole budget on. Kids running for their lives from people possessed by alien bugs for no particular reason. Hunted (39 words) Very english criminals get caught burgling a country manor home, made to be prey in The Most Dangerous Game. I wouldn't go out of my way to see it, but, eh, for a captivity/pursuit pic, not too terrible.Hunter Hunter (388 words) Family of trappers living in the wilderness, Dad and daughter are into it, Mom's maybe getting tired of it, when a wolf starts raiding their trap line, and to say any more would spoil it. Rack up one more above-average flick for the Canadians. What starts off seeming like "wilderness family gets threatened by natural or unnatural monster" veers off into becoming a seriously dark backwoods noir that only very slowly builds to where it's going. It's far from perfect—sags in the middle a bit, and feels a little like something was left on the cutting room floor somehow—but, draws on Canada's apparently abundant pool of oddly engaging unknown actors, and manages to develop into something fairly original. Could be a low-key cult classic. By the very end, it tilts full-on into gore, but only at the very end, and by being somewhat demure up until that point—such as only showing one particularly horrific murder scene, which comprised a key plot point and had been very slowly built to by simply keeping a character absent, by only showing the reaction of the person discovering it—they manage to do what gore flicks have been failing to do for close to 50 years: make it effective and shocking. And before that, it's clearly noir a la Tarantino, not gore or horror, and done reasonably well at that. Ultimately the fact that it's really only an exploitation film, designed to build up to that grisly final minute or two, is betrayed by the fact that, the bad guy dispensed with as gorily as possible, the movie simply ends, rather than continuing on to at least wrap up the story in a narratively satisfying way and show the aftermath. But, still, I feel like this is the movie Wes Craven thought he was making with "Last House On The Left", and many other gore directors, on up through Eli Roth, thought they were making ever since, except this one actually pulls it off and succeeds as a movie. I think it deserves a place in the canon. Near the bottom of the canon, but, it gets in, for sure. I do think at this point someone should have a festival of all these backwoods noir movies, seems like there's been a few of them by now, sometimes pretty decent. Hypothermia (42 words) Lance Hendriksen takes his family icefishing, unaware that a "creature from the black lagoon"-type obvious-and-clearly-shown-man-in-a-costume monster lurks below the surface, waiting to kill everyone up to and including Lance Hendriksen, once again proving that outliving LK is the key to survival. I (44 reviews)I Am A Ghost (64 words) She's a ghost. She wanders around a house. Doesn't sound like much but actually kind of a pretty cool movie. Kind of leans towards being an arthouse flick, but in a good way, without overbearing pretense. Poetic, slightly dreamy, original and self-assured. A spirit goes through the motions of her life before being contacted with by a medium trying to help release her spirit.I Am Legend (397 words) Has anybody not seen this yet? Reasonably entertaining calculatedly blockbuster-y scifi/action, the latest of many remakes and reinterpretations of one of the most prominently and repeatedly remade sci-fi stories, and the only one that retains the name, if departing completely from many of the key themes and details, of Richard Matheson's original novel (even if it will never replace any of the other adaptations under different names, particularly my favorite Vincent Price vehicle "The Last Man On Earth" and its spiritual descendant, if only extremely indirect remake, "Night Of The Living Dead", in my heart.) Will Smith's likability keeps it watchable, even occasionally rewatchable, despite some over-the-top moments, tough suspensions of disbelief, and fridge logic. The many scenes of an unpopulated and overgrown Manhattan are a treat—and only improved by Wikipedia's recounting of Will Smith saying the Manhattan street closures necessary to do them resulted in"the most middle fingers I've ever gotten in my career"—and the slow development of the action is well done. The rubbery "monsters", slightly less so, but they do serve their purpose. Still, best to wait a very long time after seeing"28 Days Later "before you watch it. (Note: according to Wikipedia, the DVD included an alternate ending that kept superficially closer to Matheson's novel, and also would have provided an explanation for some of what in the final release was fridge logic; it didn't do well with test audiences, who were perhaps unaccustomed to the subtlety of the writing of someone who went on to write The Twilight Zone's" Nightmare At 20,000 Feet "and Star Trek's" The Enemy Within", and was completely rewritten at the last minute. WP also says Ridley Scott was at one point slated to direct—now that's a movie I'd really like to have seen,I look forward to the day I can tell an AI,"Show me 'I Am Legend', but directed by Ridley Scott"—as were Guillermo Del Toro and Michael Bay.) Also, the monsters' guttural screams and grunts were recorded by Faith No More's Mike Patton, adding another entry to the list of things I think Mike Patton overdid. Incidentally there's a pretty decent review focusing on the differences between the several adaptations of "I Am Legend", specifically contrasting this "conservative" one with the themes of the more morally ambiguous original novel, in an academic "Journal of Religion & Film" of all things: .I Am Mother (76 words) Robot "Mother" raises human "Daughter", the supposed last human, bred to repopulate the world following an unspecified apocalypse, until Hillary Swank stumbles in from outside. I give them credit for being able to maintain interest with a cast of just 3 characters, one of whom is a robot, but there was some fridge logic. It was enjoyable, and definitely big-budget and well-made. Still, nowhere near as good as "Ex Machina", although it seemed to want to be. I Am Not A Serial Killer (75 words) Fairly enjoyable little picture, actually. In a small midwestern town, a young teenage sociopath with his killer urges under control struggles to be normal until he discovers an older man (Christopher Lloyd in a deadly serious turn) is a serial killer and tries to stop him. Light on violence or horror and with only a totally unexpected phantasmagoric turn at the very end, plays for the most part like a drama. I kinda liked it. I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives In The Walls (13 words) Saw this movie a few days ago and I have already forgotten it.I Care A Lot (227 words) I was loving this thriller for the first half. They set up one of the most despicable villains ever, and give her the ultimate hubris, as a woman who profits by taking stewardship of hapless old people, stowing them in homes, and selling their belongings unwitting takes what she thinks is a helpless victim with no family connections but turns out to be anything but, setting you up to see a real baddie get a delicious comeuppance. And then, they treat her like a hero for the second half, have her go on to massive success and triumph, and have her undone not by her deeds throughout the movie by an almost literal "chekhov's gun" in the last 30 sconds of the movie in what a third grader would probably think is profound poetic justice. Even the Big Baddie who she pissed off by imprisoning a woman he cares about and then stealing from hom, and then does even worse to him after he mistakenly leaves her for dead, simply forgives her and suggests they'd do better going into business together than killing each other. I don't want to see the villain do nothing but triumph over obstacles and reap rewards from doing terrible things to old people instead of suffering consequences consequences. It's like the opposite of a catharsis. Watching this movie just made me feel terrible. The Ice Cream Truck (25 words) Woman returns to her hometown where everybody acts creepy, because, movie. Also a demented ice cream man drives around randomly killing people because, movie. Sucked.Ice House (2020) (188 words) What a weird movie. Basically seems like a very long soap opera or TV episode with a lot of twists and turns, which is odd, since it's mostly just two guys talking, and sometimes fighting or chasing each other. Something very British, almost, about the way it's all talking and at least tries to get by on strong plotting and dialogue rather than action... not that it succeeds. Two friends go out for a night of ice fishing on a cabin on a Minnesota lake, and one or both of them have ulterior motives. An impressive number of plot twist for two guys stuck in a cabin, and especially since it keeps going when it should end, into a whole other part of the story. However, that's as much good as I'll say about it it: it's dreadfully overwrought, hammily-acted, with actually too many plot twists, and primarily impressive for just going way to far over the top in pretty much every way except entertainment value. Like I said: kind of like a soap opera. Shot on 30fps video instead of film, too, to add to that feeling.The Immaculate Room (75 words) contrived set piece in which a young, insecure couple agrees to stay in an empty white room for 50 days for $5,000,000. Guess whether they last or not. Hint: in act 1, they wake up and suddenly a gun is in there, which they kick under the bed. Actually, I kinda liked it for the frenetic performances. Reminded me a little bit of Jim Henson's psychedelic pre-Muppets "Room", except, instead of a psychedelia, it has Ashley Greene's boobs. Immortal (129 words) Anthology horror. Not that well written, mostly just stories leading up to an often predictable "gotcha" or "surprise" twist and not plot-driven enough to bother follow the narrative any further than that to explore what happens, but surprisingly alright, mostly due to a reliance on character instead of gore and a pretty good cast turning in strong performances. Dylan Baker is the bright spot of the first and worst of the four stories; Samm Levine turns in the most solid acting I think I've ever seen from him; and Tony Todd ("Candyman", I've seen him a million times but never caught his name) turns in a touching performance as the husband of a terminally ill woman. Each story is slightly better than the last; overall I actually liked it. Incantation (84 words) Well-shot but impossible-to-follow Korean horror from the "the more horror cliches we stuff into it, the scarier it will be" school. And, a first-person shooter, to make it worse, which halfway through abandons any pretense of a reason for people to always be carrying cameras. Actually seems well-shot and well-acted, with intense cinematography and scary individual scenes, so maybe in Korean it's good despite all that. But with corny English overdubs and a narrative style somewhere between nonlinear and nonexistent, it's just a mess.Incarnate (90 words) funny hybrid sci-fi/horror flick about a manly, tough-as-nails paranormal investigator, with a team of gorgeous researchers, who cures possessions by using scientific methods to enter the subconscious of the possessed, who are apparently trapped in a fantasy realm and must only be persuaded to leave voluntarily to cure the possession... by getting them to jump out a window. Very slick, "stylish" Hollywood-style production, full of tropes that seem learned in screenwriter's school, and everybody looks like a model. Seems like maybe it was an attempt to launch a franchise.Infini (39 words) A confusing ending spoils a fairly decent sci-fi thriller in which a team of army people goes to rescue the final survivor of a faraway space outpost where everyone else been infected by intelligent ooze that drives them mad.Infinity Babies (72 words) Self-consciously quirky black-and-white "Indie" film starring huge megastars. Martin Starr actually acts in this. This guy keeps dumping women after 3 months by paying a friend of his to pretend to be his mother and not get along with them, and there's some sort of thing about babies who don't grow up, which must be a metaphor. It was vaguely ok, I guess, at least not cringeworthy like these things usually totally are. The Influence [La influencia] (25 words) Okay-enough dubbed-over flick about a kid getting possessed by her witchy grandma in a coma. Didn't hold my attention so well, but well-made, well acted.Inhabited (9 words) "Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark"x "The Leprechaun".In Its Wake 💩 🗑 (47 words) This low-budget "man in a rubber suit" creature feature is essentially "30 Days Of Night", except with a demon instead of vampires, and you never actually see the demon, and it's bad instead of good. However, they try so hard that I was a little entertained, a little. Inkubus (173 words) A passably moment-by-moment entertaining but ultimately totally unrewarding 1408-style exercise in, "Ooh! I thought of another 'scary' thing we can have happen!" for 90 minutes. In this case, Robert Englund chews the scenery admirably—perhaps the movie's only real redeeming point—as a demon who must impregnate a woman every 100 years to reincarnate, and, for reasons not clearly explained, also chooses to use his last night before reincarnating to visit an old police station on the last night before it closes down to exact revenge on a tough-as-nails former police sergeant adversary and his entire former department by going through the station doing whatever "scary" thing the writers can think of to kill the tough-as-nails officers one-by-one in "scary" ways, or manipulate them into killing each other, using his demonic powers, which are, apparently, whatever the writers need them to be in that moment. Also somewhat amusing for the spectacle of 'N-SYNC's Joey Fatone doing a somewhat passable acting job as a tough-as-nails cop. More passable than I expected from someone from 'N-SYNC, anyway.The Inside 👍 (579 words) [reviewed on IMDB] I just got blown away by this movie.Yes, by conventional film standards, it sucks: almost no story, no narrative arc, almost no dialog for the second half, nothing is ever explained, it's entirely full of insipid depthless characters who are either brutally loathesome (most of the men) or spend a hell of a lot of time doing nothing but wandering through a darkened building whimpering and screaming (most of the females), it spends too much time indulging itself in banal torture porn conventions without going anywhere. I don't even think many of the characters had names. It doesn't even have a trace of the pretentious art-house conventions some films stoop to in order to try to justify the obvious lack of conventional movie-making skill.And yet, I loved it. I was floored and genuinely scared watching it. I will definitely watch it again.It's barely a story, it's more just a tapestry of murky, mounting fear, presented for its own sake. In some ways, it's comparable to Fellini in its broad, expositionless, near-abstract presentation of something more wrested from the subconscious than designed to satisfy the intellect.Its focus on tone rather than narrative is reminiscent of, yes, found-footage origin The Blair Witch Project, but even moreso, of old Giallo horror films, films that reveled in the idea of fear and focused more on creepy mood than the more conventional trappings of movies as "quality" entertainment. No part of the movie is really all that dependent on any other part an any strict way, and it even abandons its "found footage" first-person perspective before it gets to the end. But even so, once it finds makes one of its several shifts and finds its footing about halfway through, abandoning what seems to be a banal brutality-as-spectacle approach and shifting to the stuff of deeper, more phantasmagoric nightmares, it becomes easily the only truly scary film I've seen in a long time. I'm not going to include spoilers, but there are moments in here as iconic and viscerally chilling as Nosferatu's long-fingernailed shadow gliding silently up a stairway wall.I was genuinely surprised to see "The Inside"'s low 3.3/10 rating on IMDB, but it makes sense. It succeeds in a much less polished, and quieter, but otherwise similarly unconventional way as Lars von Trier's "Antichrist", another film that doesn't even remotely attempt to be enjoyable as a moviegoing experience, which, like this film, deceived a lot of people into thinking it was a bad movie instead of quite the opposite.I almost gave it 9 stars. I still might. This film knows exactly what it wants to be, and it unapologetically is that and only that, to the very core. If you don't like it, the problem may not be with the film, but with you. Despite the rocky beginning, this film's ultimate odd, offputting achievement deserves to be considered a misfit classic.(Not to be confused, as I unfortunately later did, with "Inside", an abysmal 2016 captivity porn about a pregnant woman atttacked by a psycho woman inside her home, which apparently was a remake of a 2007 French horror film, which would explain why it's abysmal. I don't understand why France has consistently produced some of the best classical arts — music, poetry, literature, cinema — yet is 100% reliable in making absolutely inspid, shallow, awful horror movies. The 2007 "Inside" is vintage modern French horror—it could barely have held up as a horror short, and yet somehow it's feature-length.)Insidious 🧡 (118 words) One of my favorite horror movies. Just very well-directed. Actually scared me at points. I will say no more.EDIT: I will say more. This was directed by James Wan, who I later discovered, just plain has a talent for elevating his supernatural tales by seeding them liberally with just great, memorable individual horror scenes. This movie definitely has it's silly aspects, but even his far worse movies have individual scenes that are so well done they make the picture worth watching. The man just knows how to direct a horror movie, not a modern gorefest or jump-out-and-say-boo teen scream, but legitimate horror cinema in the tradition of the classics. And here he's at his best at that. Interlaced 💩 (513 words) Ok, here's another movie that I kind of liked that I'm 100% positive everybody else will hate. In fact, for about the first half, I really liked it, but it kind of blew it.A young boy, maybe 10 or 12, wants to face his fears and goes camping in the woods where his younger sister disappeared two years earlier. Sitting in his tent, he starts to hear weird things.And for the first half, that's the whole movie. A kid hiding in a tent with weird noises outside. And, you know what? It was sort of creepy. It built a mood and played effectively off my own fear of the dark. (Have I ever mentioned my phobia? Well, I'm not exactly afraid of the dark, it's a little wierder than that, but close enough.) I have in incredibly hard time being in darkened woods, and I especially don't like being in a tent by myself, when I can't see around me and am in the tactically least defensible position if anything happens, and my senses sharpen and I become aware of every.damn.sound. And as this movie slowly ratcheted up the weirdness, it really evoked that, and despite having basically no plot, I liked it for the mood.I should say, I liked the Blair Witch Project for similar reasons: because it's a horror movie entirely about sound. You never see anything, only ever heard things. This plays that up well.Unfortunately, as the movie goes on, it gets a little more just weird and less creepy. Weirdness is interrupted by the boy waking up as if it was just a dream, which is cheap. His sister appears, and he takes it for granted. The sounds and soon lights get weirder, and he ventures out to explore, and apparently finds his childhood home, which appears to be inhabited by... something? None of it is ever explained, it's just weirdness after weirdness. And soon, the videocam he's been using as a flashlight becomes the camera, for some reason he's watching everything through the camera, and it slips in and out of being a first-person-shooter, with all the tedious cliches like him still holding the camera as he runs from half-seen things that appear onscreen in with a brief flash of static and an unexplained metallic screetching noise. And it all drags on a little too long with a little too much sense and it's not creepy anymore.Which is a damn shame. Because for the first half, this really looked like one of those movies I would like that everybody else hated, and I always like finding those.If they hadn't blown it by the end, I would have said it's definitely interesting, if not necessarily good. It really was shaping up to be. It's too bad.You want to see some bad IMDB reviews, by the way, look this thing up. It has a string some of of the worst user reviews I've ever seen. Even though I didn't wind up liking it as much as I'd hoped, I liked it better than *that*.In The Earth (136 words) Ambitious but ultimately unfulfilling sci-fi flavored flick both spends too long just being an ordinary captivity/pursuit flick and gets too baroque at the same time. A pair of scientists looking for a researcher's camp in the woods during a pandemic are attacked by unseen assailants, then rescued by a hermit who turns out to be trying to hold them prisoner at his camp to subject to some sort of magickal ritual. After much too long they escape, and find his ex-wife at her nearby camp, who is doing some sort of science experiments trying to communicate with some sort of forest entity through lights and sound. There's a psychedelic mushroom spore fog and attacks from the hermit, punctuated by a long montage of "Altered States"-style video effects before the whole thing abruptly ends. Meh.In The Flesh 👍 (90 words) Holy cow. Highly original and typically British take on the zombie genre — but played as completely as a drama, not horror or action. Takes place after a cure has been found, as the first to be cured try to reintegrate into their families in a small English village. Very well done. Leave it to the BBC to find a way to bend the tropes of the zombie genre into a completely serious, adult, well-acted drama. If anything at all about that sentence sounds interesting to you, it's worth checking out.In The House Of Flies (34 words) Boring captivity flick. If you enjoy a movie that is nothing but two people being held captive in a basement room and tormented by an unseen captor for 90 minutes, enjoy. (One question, though: why?)In The Tall Grass (115 words) Another waste of what I'm assuming is an old Stephen King short story with some ideas that seem like they might have worked in writing, and could have worked with a movie production team that actually wanted them to. In this case, a couple driving through the heartland is lured into a field of tall grass by a crying child, and discovers they can't find their way back to the road. Also includes some time-looping paradox stuff that was really cool the first 5 or 10 times I saw movies use it, although in this case, with zero reason given for why people are moving through time at all, which I guess is kind of a first. Into The Abyss (English Language version) (63 words) I had a very hard time following this, but in terms of style, I liked it. Gruff men wander around an apocalyptic urban landscape occasionally towered over by huge arachnoid creatures in the mist, and speak gruffly to each other. Occasionally someone attacks each other or shoots a gun. Not really sure what it was about besides that, but the atmosphere was cool.Into The Dark "Culture Shock" (28 words) Mexicans crossing illegally into the united states are abducted and subjected to the world's cheeziest brainwashing experiment, and the only one being conducted by Creed from "The Office".Into The Dark "Down" (112 words) Continuing the tradition of pretty good thrillers set in elevators, two young professionals are the last to leave the building before a long weekend when the elevator breaks down. Alright, entertaning enough... starts slow but builds pretty effectively. Plays out well as a drama, and some unexpected poetic moments in the third act. ... Ok, wow, turns out this, too, is part of "Into The Dark". Definitely the best one of the series, by far. Much better activing, production values, pacing, everything. Like a real movie. (Edit: in a recurring theme for things I think are slightly better installments of ongoing franchises, turns out this was widely panned. I have no idea why.)Into The Dark "I'm Just Fucking With You" 👍 💩 (135 words) Not a favorite of mine but worth an honorable mention. Pretty much nonstop fun for a uniformly bad movie, in thanks to a particularly hatable protagonist who you want to see bad things happen to, and an exceptionally good movie psycho villain (played to the hilt and against type by, I realized, the guy who plays the hunky detective in "Angie Tribeca").By any reasonable measure, this should not have worked at all, but it goes so over the top, and ticks along so well without ever really sagging, that it's actually kind of a fun romp if you don't go into it expecting to take it seriously.It's another movie that I'd never recommend to anyone, but rewatch occasionally myself just for fun. I wouldn't be surprised if it became a minor cult favorite.Into The Dark "New Year, New You" (48 words) Another Hulu "Into The Dark" installment. Murder porn. Four Twenty-something high school friends have a reunion in their old house for New Years, when old grudges resurface and things turn murderous. You know the drill. Actually not bad for what it is, among the better-made of the series.Into The Dark "Pilgrim" (84 words) Hardly worth dignifying with a review, except I don't want to someday accidentally think I didn't watch it and start it again. Family invites "Pilgrim Reenactors" to throw their thanksgiving dinner, who wind up inviting "friends" and eventually turn out to be murderous, because, movie. This would be a torture porn gore flick if it was gross instead of silly, or a horror comedy if it was funny. Man, these Hulu "Into The Dark" things could not be more scattershot in terms of quality. Into The Dark "They Come Knocking" (108 words) This one was good enough that I didn't realize it was part of Hulu's "Into The Dark" series, although the weak ending betrays it. It was directed by the same guy that did "I'm Just Fucking With You", the only one of the series that I really liked. Grieving father and his daughters go out to the desert in their Airstream to spread his wife's ashes. What starts off seeming like a "locals torment visitors out in the sticks" story turns out to be something much different, and nowhere near as cliche. If they had come up with a satisfactory ending, the whole thing would have really worked. Into The Dark "Treehouse" (46 words) Not a bad one. That guy who was one of the McPoyle Brothers who's everywhere now goes to his country home and gets tormented for past crimes by a cover of witches. It's still "Into The Dark", but it's an ok one, with exceptional costume design.Into The Dark - All That We Destroy (95 words) Middling sci-fi drama about a geneticist, discovering her teenage son is a serial killer, cloning and re-cloning his latest victim for him in hopes of keeping him from killing anyone else. Not bad, typical sort of vaguely decent low-budget indie flick, but not worth going out of your way to see, either. Mostly-appealing cast is made up for by the fact that the lead sullen teen serial killer is the least charismatic character to grace my screen in ages. Considering it's an "Into The Dark", sure, ok, better than a lot of those, at least.Invasive (2024) (123 words) Squatters take a job with a catering company so they can scope out millionnaires' homes to squat in while they're away. This time, the millionnaire comes home early and finds them there. Guess which one is the real bad guy? What should have been a thoroughly mediocre exercise, with a distinctly familiar overall captivity/pursuit storyline, is redeemed by a few things: the pacing is well done and very slowly ratchets up the intensity at a consistent pace without it ever being noticeable, and the actors are decent, especially the guy playing the villain, who just plain chews the scenery—he's a real movie baddie, and plays it to the hilt, all leering and supremely overconfident douchebaggery. I, uh, I kinda liked it.The Invitation 👍 (161 words) Seriously tense drama turns thriller as a new age dinner party gets weird, after old friends suddenly make contact several years after disappearing to join a cult.This is one of those movies that seems like it was originally written as a play, which is something that I always tend to like, when it's done competently. Here, it works really well, although if I have any complaint it's that the story builds emotional unease so capably and steadily, that by the time it turns from emotional to physical brutality, it almost breaks the tension. It feels very emotionally authentic as the unease builds. Fucking creepy new agers. (I do have mixed feelings about transplanting the "no cellphone reception out here" trope to the city, although they do pretty much pull it off.)It's seriously well cast, fairly original, well done all around. Good ending, too. And the closing song rips off "See That My Grave Is Kept Clean" very, very effectively.Invited (172 words) So, ok, weird. Young woman disappears, then suddenly invites her family to a zoom call of her wedding with her creepy new fiancee. But: First off, this entire movie is a zoom call. The acting is terrible. Major developments are telegraphed and predictable. So, overall all the ingredients of a terrible horror movie. But: the pacing is good. Somehow, despite the terrible acting and the utter lack of motion as the entire movie is a screenshot, tension is built kind of effectively. That, and only that, elevates it very slightly above what it looks like it's going to be. I still wouldn't, say, recommend it, but apparently found-footage horror fans (a phenomenon I don't understand; to me "found footage fan" is an oxymoron) really like this one, and I get it. Plus it's not really found footage. (Note: on subsequent research, this is a Canadian film. Ok, pretty poor showing for indie Canadian fare, it explains why it's a tiny above bottom of the barrel instead of wallowing at the very bottom.Invoked (24 words) The Blair Witch Project in Ireland, with ghosts instead of a witch. Not bad actually, kind of creepy for a cheapo shitty first-person-filmed movie.Island Zero 🤔 (35 words) Crusty maine island fishermen, plus a local novelist and a local biologist, confront an unseen monster emerging from the sea. I liked it well enough that I remembered it, can't say much more than that.Isolation (2011) (44 words) Med student wakes up in a hospital room with no memory of how she got there. Somewhat entertaining thriller, especially because it goes further in depth into the villain, and continues the plot past the obvious "easy" endpoint, than most movies of this type.I Survived A Zombie Apocalypse (60 words) Reasonably entertaining horror-comedy (a genre I usually don't like) from New Zealand, in which the set of a zombie movie is attacked by real zombies. Sort of over-the-top and hammy, but, it works, it's clear from the get-go that that's what they set out to do. I wouldn't go out of my way to see it, but, it's watchable enough. It (1990) (66 words) Have you ever seen a Stephen King TV adaptation before? This is actually one of the better ones, which isn't saying much, since every King TV adaptation except for the few great outliers is terrible. Harry Anderson with a cheezy mustache, John Ritter with a full beard, Richard Masur's disembodied head talking, that should tell you all you need to know. Oh, also, it's 3 hours long.It Comes At Night (38 words) two families share a cabin in a post-apocalyptic-plague woodland. More a bleak drama than a horror movie. Well-made enough, I'm sure some people will like it, but wasn't my cup of tea. Doesn't really go much of anywhere. It Follows (383 words) There's two kinds of horror movies. There's the ones that start with "a kill" and the ones that don't. This one does. That's how you know it ain't literature. That said, I really want to like this movie, not least because so many people do. And, it does have a few things going for it: really good early John Carpenter-like cinematography, a really good 70s analogue synth early John Carpenter-like score, and in Maika Monroe the most likable heroine since Jamie Lee Curtis. I get why people like it. However, it also lacks, er, just about anything else. The "plot" is as thin as it gets, thinner than "Final Destination" which was thinner than an onion skin. Basically, a curse is passed along where if you are a gorgeous teen who has sex with another gorgeous teen who is cursed, you get followed by a creature bent on killing you unless you have sex with someone else and put them ahead of you in line. The reason and origin of this curse are, apparently, for there to be a reason for the movie, because they also are never mentioned or questioned. You know you have the curse because you see random strangers walking towards you, whose identity is also never questioned or explained, but who are invisible to everyone else, although they can attack them physically. If the person you give it to doesn't pass it along, the killer or demon or whatever it is kills them and then comes after you again, working it way back up the line—this is explained by the person who gave the heroine the curse, although how he knows this is, of course, never explained, as he's not even positive who gave it to him, and never even got the name of the person he suspects it was. Again, the sole explanation seems to be, movie. Plenty of other fridge logic abounds, such as the ability to hurt a supernatural entity by shooting it with a gun or electrocuting it. And I'm sorry, but all the decent cinematography and admittedly expert early-John-Carpenter-style pacing in the world can't sustain a movie through that kind of weak writing, now matter how much better it is than the fare the kiddies are used to seeing start with a "kill". J (6 reviews)Jennifer's Body 🤔 (274 words) Kind of like "Mean Girls" but as a monster movie. And Mean Girls was kinda good, and, this is kinda good.Seriously, this is a funny one, because in some ways it's as dumb as a teen scream horror can get—picture Adam Brody, the world's least believable devil-worshipping bad guy, singing "867-5309" as he sacrifices someone to the devil, and you have a pretty good picture of where this goes in places. But, the thing is, it's really well-directed, and the cinematography is at times great... like when Anita (Amanda Seyfried) is having awkward teenage sex with her boyfriend at the same time as Jennifer (Megan Fox) is killing a boy in an abandoned house, Anita senses it through the apparent psychic rapport they share as old friends—which could be a horribly mishandled conceit, but fortunately it's so underplayed that it works—and she looks up to see a vision of Jennifer across the room, crouched like an animal over one of her victims. It only lasts a second but it's absolutely perfect. This movie is full of little touches like that, that redeem it and ultimately do make it an enjoyable repeat view, even despite all the dumb teen scream, one-step-more-serious-than-Buffy-The-Vampire-Slayer stuff. I don't love it, but I like it a lot, for sure, despite the glaring flaws. I've seen it a few times now and will watch again occasionally, it holds up.As a testament to how just sorta different this movie is: Lance Henriksen has a cameo in it, and not only is he not the last to die, he does not die at all. Not even a little. JeruZalem (116 words) Google Glass™️ commercial disguised as a first-person shooter, as two students on vacation in Jerusalem run from the beginning of the apocalypse, which apparently consists entirely of zombies attacking, and living people turning into winged demons. I guess the filmmakers were concerned that people are so addicted to pop-up notifications, they wouldn't sit through a whole movie unless it contained them. Maybe this appeals to the sort of people who think that if you're running from zombies and your Google Glass™️ starts unexpectedly blasting music into your ears, the thing to do is spend the next five minutes yelling "Glass™️, music off! Glass™️, music off!" over and over, instead of just /taking the damn glasses off/.John Dies At The End 🤔 (61 words) A critic called this "a very interesting failure", and that's about right. This time- and dimension-hopping adventure wants really badly to be a cult classic somewhere between "Donnie Darko" and "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure", and doesn't quite rise to that level, but, almost. It's pretty entertaining. I like it, have watched it a few times, and will probably watch it again.The Jokesters (126 words) Is it just me, or are first-person shooters getting even worse? Here, an intolerable"Jackass"-style YouTube film crew (great, another first-person shooter AND anpther horror movie about social media) goes to convince one of their members, who is on his honeymoon at, just because there aren't enough cliches, a cabin in the woods. Pranks appearing to go awry are revealed to be actually pranks themselves, until one decides to actually start murdering the others. Don't worry, I didn't spoil it, it's nowhere near as cool as the idea sounds. Add in the usual lousy improv acting, way too many scenes of boring daily life before the action begins, cameras that magically start and stop with the states of consciousness of the people being films, etc.Junebug (91 words) Taken in yet again by Netflix's tendency to confuse "indie" for "comedy", and movies starring the likes of Amy Adams and Embeth Davidtz for "indie". In this case, acceptable enough entertainment that even the ordinarily-intolerable use of phony southern accents doesn't make it too unwatchable. City-slicker art dealer accompanies husband to visit his family in North Carolina while on a trip to secure the right to represent a possibly insane folk artist primarily characterized by obsessions with the Civil War and penises, and a totally implausible and possibly completely made-up accent. Jungle (121 words) Daniel Radcliffe is as redeeming as possible in this based-on-a-true-story lost-in-the-jungle survival flick. Friends set off, slowly get separated, winds up being protagonist alone walking back through the wilderness towards civilization, encountering every possible obstacle along the way, including quicksand, a snake, hallucinations, you name it, in the slow-moving third act. Was a pretty good movie until it started to sag... one guy grimacing in pain, hallucinating, and talking to animals doesn't really feel like much of a plot. You gotta admit Radcliffe always gives his all to everything he does, though. And also, that aside, he somehow manages to be strikingly handsome-looking when covered with mud, which strikes me as something of an accomplishment, I guess. I couldn't do it. K (9 reviews)Kalifornia (258 words) Just re-watched this movie, which I remembered as being pretty good, after many years. It's funny how different it plays in post-Trump America. It could almost be a parable. And the stereotypically smug, condescending, aloof liberal (to judge by their horror at someone owning — gulp — a gun!) city couple doesn't come off as innocent as they did the first time I watched it... to the extent that I was a little disappointed that, rather than make a controversial observation, aloofness simply wins in the end over brute physicality and living perhaps just a little too much in-the-moment, and apparently without even being really changed in any substantial way by the experience. But, after a slow start, the acting is every bit as good as I remember, and the movie actually raises a lot of interesting things to think about, all of which elevates it above the exploitation flick it could easily have been if they hadn't gotten so much right. Pitt portrays a complete lack of empathy for other human beings without becoming a caricature or monster... just a very, very damaged human being, perhaps the most realistic, believable psychopath I've seen in a movie, different from sociopaths I've met in real life only in degree. One critic called his this film a "demystification of the serial killer" and that's a good way of putting it. And the way the couples adopt or resist each others' traits is interesting commentary on different types of people. It's hard for me to believe this film bombed at the box office.Kick-Ass 2 (96 words) Fun enough, and probably an amusing watch for fans of the original (which I am), but not really anything special. The first one broke new ground, and this gets bigger and badder in the best tradition of sophomore sequels but doesn't really bring much new to the table beyond that. The sole exception to that is one notable and long stunt sequence, in which teeny-tiny gamine Chloe Grace Moretz takes out a whole van full of bad guys from on top of, alongside, and finally inside it as it speeds down the highway. That was cool.Killers [1996] (355 words) This must be the worst-edited movie ever. A clear child of the Natural Born Killers/Pulp Fiction Era, except, with such poor editing that it's impossible to make sense of the story. Escaped killers pick a random suburban house to hide out, and it slowly becomes apparent that the clean-cut family living there is anything but normal. Picture the "Gimp" scene from Pulp Fiction stretched to feature length. The husband even calls the wife "Honeybunny" at one point, in case anyone doesn't miss the Tarantino stylistic ripoff. Criminals give impassioned speeches about their taste in movies, or pause to recite poetry in the middle of action sequences. The wife is suddenly hanging all over one of the murderers and the husband is tied up; suddenly the husband is free, and is wearing makeup, and when the police arrive to rescue him, he kills them with an axe for no apparent reason. Then he's not wearing makeup anymore and his wife is back with him and the murderer. An unexplained deformed brother of the family pops in and out. Then the gorgeous surviving police sergeant, who came to the house in pursuit of the escaped murderer, is running through the dungeon (did I happen to mention this surburban house has a dungeon?) with the murderer, chased by the completely unexplained people down there. The police sergeant are holding hands, and they kiss. The sergeant is shot, and her last words to the main killer are "Kill them all" for some reason. Then the killers stop to put on skull facepaint and shoot rifles—which it's never explained how they even got—into the darkness, to just say "Hey, we're cool", I guess. Along the way it's mentioned casually in passing that the father and daughter are sleeping together. The whole thing would almost be so bad and over-the-top that it's worth seeing for the sheer spectacle, but the complete lack of sense or explanation for anything makes it unwatchable. It's like a director kept thinking of unrelated scenes, "Wouldn't it be cool if this happened now", and nobody knew how to edit it into a movie.Killing at Outpost Zeta 💩 🗑 (41 words) Clearly post-Battlestar-Galactica 1980 low-budget sci fi outing in which space travelers travel to a faraway planet, charming for its post-Battlestar-Galactica 1980ness. If that sounds appealing to you, sure, give it a shot. Be aware it has nothing else going for it, though. Killing Ground (60 words) Campers find a baby and wind up pursued by psycho rednecks in the woods. But Australian, so with no American over-the-topness, just sick realism, preceded a dreadfully slow 45 minute buildup in which nothing happens. Pure brutality-as-supposed-entertainment, nothing redeeming about this one at all. One of the easiest Netflix thumbs-downs I've ever given to a film that was technically well made.Killing Hasselhoff (61 words) Ken Jeong, Jim Jefferies, Rhys Davies, a totally-unafraid-to-laugh-at-himself David Hasselhoff, and a host of thankfully not-too-overexposed familiar faces in the kind of pretty amusing slapstick movie the Farrelly brothers would make if their movies were a little bit smart instead of a little bit stupid. I laughed a couple of times and never once felt like my intelligence was being insulted. Knives And Skin (93 words) Sort of like what you'd get if you hired David Lynch to do an afterschool special. Seemed like an ordinary teen drama, but got weird and mannered. There's a plot, but it doesn't matter. Also a bunch of musical numbers consisting of dirgelike choral versions of 80s pop crap, which I totally could have done without. "I'll Melt With You" is really totally fine as it is, thanks, you're not going to improve on it. Actually stayed just off-kilter enough for just long enough that it was mildly entertaining, despite seeming so try-hard. Knock Knock (115 words) I was in the mood for some light fare so I tried this Keanu Reeves thriller. Had I known it was an Eli Roth film I wouldn't have bothered, there's "light" and there's "tissue-paper thin". Typically shallow and pointless Eli Roth torture porn fare, this time without even gore, and even more fridge logic than usual. Basically, the Small Faces to "Funny Games"'s Rolling Stones. Two teen girls take Keanu Reeves hostage in his home, seduce then torture him, for no reason other than it's an Eli Roth movie and someone out there thinks that's entertaining enough that they got name actors to participate. I wish Eli Roth would find another line of work. Knuckleball (112 words) decent cinematography, especially shots making grate use of wintry rural Canadian farmland, is the sole redeeming feature of this unremarkable captivity/pursuit flick in which a young boy is sent by his gorgeous parents to spend the winter on an isolated farm with his grandfather, and things go wrong. Not terrible, it has some typical hallmarks of the many well-made little Canadian indie horror movies that I like so much, but in terms of the plot and whole idea that someone made this movie at all—aim higher, people. I guess there must still be an audience for this stuff, but I myself can't see why people even still make these movies. L (40 reviews)The Lair (43 words) Gorgeous and/or tough-as-nails Army people in afghanistan shoot at each other until they accidentally discover stumble on genetically-bred sleestak in an old Russian bunker, then shoot guns at each other and sleestak for the rest of the movie. No, really, that's it.Lake Artifact (240 words) You ever have that thing where you go to a remote cabin with a bunch of your friends, and wind up caught in a time loop movie? This is like that. You'd think by now filmmakers would have learned that you have to work really hard to do these kinds of stories in a way that keeps the narrative straight—to my knowledge, only "Triangle" has ever pulled it off—or at least be weird, cool, and cerebral enough, as the makers of "Primer" figured out, that nobody cares it's impossible to follow. If you can't go to one of those two paths, you're going to have a mess on your hands, all the more regrettable when for big parts of it it seems like you were almost going to pull it off. "Triangle" was well-told enough that you could follow it. "Primer" was interesting enough that you wanted to figure it out. This came close, but ultimately, was neither. It cuts back and forth between narratives, or between timelines, with no apparent connection or reason why. It shows things that look like they're going to be explained later, but they're never mentioned again. Weird photographs nobody can remember taking appear, which seem like you'll see them taken later on, but they never are. Plus, the story is repeatedly interspersed with interview segments that seem somehow related but it's never made clear how, or if it was, I missed it.Lake Mungo 🤔 (224 words) Here we have something interesting. A horror "mockumentary" that's done so realistically I was unconvinced as to whether it was fake or not for much of the runtime. It's totally fiction, but boy does it look like a real documentary. It's effectively creepy; but then, as things get debunked, reveals them straightforwardly, as a real documentary wood. The performances are 100% realistic.The story is, an Australian family's daughter drowns, and they believe they are beginning to see her ghost around the house. A medium gets involved, it goes through the kind of complex twists and turns any interesting real life documentary involving a true crime might go through, and it once never gets far enough from believable to break the spell. It's extremely sparing about creepy stuff so when it arrives, it's effective. The photo & video "evidence" for the haunting is sufficiently understated to be legitimately spooky... not clear enough to look fake, not blurred enough to look deliberately obscured. And then, when some of it is questioned, the way it could have been produced deceptively is presented realistically, too.Well done. Hard to call this a great movie, but it's certainly very well done and succeeds entirely at being the horror mockumentary it's trying to be. It really looks real, all the way through. Worth a watch if any of this sounds interesting. The Landlord (2024) (67 words) Kind a a cute low-key indie thriller. Strictly amateurish but the cast is kind of fun. Woman moves into a house and the strange woman who owns it has fixations. Like, she always only wears yellow, for starters. But there's more... Also some interesting nu-R&B on the soundtrack in places. it's cute. I probably wouldn't recommend it to anyone else but I sort of liked it.Landmine Goes Click (82 words) Torture porn. Kid gets stuck standing on a landline in a foreign country, local tortures his girl in front of him. Just when you think it’s over, it kicks into overdrive as the kid gets his revenge in even more brutal fashion. Actually pretty well made for what it is, the acting is solid, but especially brutal, keeps outdoing itself. That's not a good thing. I don't know why some people enjoy brutality enough that people make these kinds of movies.Lantern's Lane (28 words) Local kids go to explore a haunted house in the woods and get picked off by a masked psychopath, except, way slower and more boring than that sounds.The Larry Sanders Show [tv series] 🧡 (254 words) Originally aired in the '90s, this might be my favorite comedy series of all time, and close to my favorite TV show of any kind, ever. Garry Shandling is a funny guy—"It's Garry Shandling's Show" was cute and very entertaining, but I think he's generally regarded as a second-stringer of his era behind guys like Seinfeld, and doesn't get the credit he deserves for his excellent writing and work behind the scenes in a lot of things. (For instance, ending Judd Apatow's "The 40 Year Old Virgin" with an absurd musical number was Shandling's idea.) "The Larry Sanders Show" was his crowning achievement, and to me one of televised entertainments's crowning achievements, full stop. An amazing show-within-a-show focusing on the production of a talk show hosted by a fragile, selfish narcissist (Shandling playing completely against type), his craven and insecure cohost (played in another stellar turn by the doesn't-seem-like-an-actor-who-has-star-turns Jeffrey Tambor), their gregarious but mean-when-drunk veteran TV exec producer played with absolute comic genius by Rip Torn, and a host of other faces who are still around (Janeane Garofalo, Jeremy Piven, Wallace Langham, Mary Lynn Rajskub) as the beleaguered writers and office staff supporting them, plus a bunch of celebrity cameos who are more than happy to play embarrassing versions of themselves (a la "Extras", another great tv-behind-the-scenes series.) I think this show ran for six seasons and was incredibly smart and funny the whole way through. An absolute must-watch, to me outstanding even among must-watch shows. Just unbelievably inventive and painfully funny.Larva 💩 (126 words) Very decent paint-by-numbers monster/nature-run-amok movie, for a paint-by-numbers monster/nature-run-amok movie. New veterinarian comes to a small town where all the farmers have an arrangement to buy futuristic new feed from a big sciencey company, which it turns out causes ordinary microscopic parasites to turn into giant, bloodthirsty monsters that destroy people and animals from the inside.It's got big rubbery monsters chasing women in their bra and panties, it's got tough-as-nails farmers shooting shotguns at big rubbery monsters, it's got rubbery chest-bursters bursting out of people's torsos, it's got an innocent, wide-eyed tow-headed boy for pathos who (awesomely) gets eaten by a big rubbery monster. What do you want from a monster movie? It's not "Citizen Kane".I liked it, I was totally entertained.The Last Amityville Movie 👍 💩 (331 words) I call this the "Reuben Sandwich" of movies.I was at a deli once, and I looked at a Reuben Sandwich. It was corned beef, sauer kraut, russian dressing, and swiss cheese, on pumpernickel. I was like, "Oh my god, it's everything I hate in one sandwich. I must try this." And I liked it!This movie is like that. Found footage, perhaps the lowest budget movie I've ever seen—seriously, I'd be surprised if they spent $150 on this. It seems like a guy shot out an email to a bunch of his friends saying, "You want to be in a movie? Here's your lines. You can do it from home, I'll just film us all on a zoom call".It's a "horror comedy" starring hipsters, no lighting design to speak of, features social media, looks like it was shot on a phone. Everything I hate in one movie!And you know what? I enjoyed it! It's sincere. It's like if "Paranormal Activity" wasn't so pretentious and had the good sense to just be a little silly and have some fun.Guy sits around the house, things go bump in the night, and the day. His friends explode during a zoom call. A ghost that looks like his wife in stage makeup makeup tries to lure him into a closet, which he deals with matter-of-factly:"I know you're not my wife, I just talked to her on the phone. And I wouldn't let my real wife lure me into a closet. Wait, yeah, I probably would. But that's besides the point." There's an unexplained monster.But, along the way, he has one good idea: what if there's a sinister reason why horror movies, "Amityville" in particular, spin off into franchises of endless ridiculous sequels that nobody wants? And: can he put a stop to it?I enjoyed this the way I'd enjoy a friend's jokey home movie if I was in on the joke. Don't expect any better than that, though.The Last Gateway 🤔 (87 words) A young man's stomach pains turn out to be a portal to Hell opening in his abdomen from which demons periodically emerge, and he and his wife must run from mysterious people pursuing him. Stylistically like a a Giallo flick, if that's your sort of thing.It's different, I'll give it that. I wouldn't say it's particularly good but neither is it particularly bad. It takes until the third act to really get going but when it does, decent acting and creature design really help it along. The Last Man On Earth (1964 movie) 🧡 (420 words) I can't say this obscure 1964 Vincent Price is a truly great movie but it will always have a very special place in my heart. Unlike some of my most esteemed favorites, I wouldn't say it's can't-miss, but at one point Price himself said this was his favorite of all his movies, and George Romero openly cited it as the direct inspiration for founding father of the zombie genre "Night Of The Living Dead" (bet you didn't know there was a "founding grandfather" movie of that genre. "The Last Man On Earth" made it all possible.)This was based loosely on the 1954 novel "I Am Legend" by Richard Matheson. That's the same "I Am Legend" that "The Omega Man" and Will Smith's much later action movie were based on. (This is worth a side note here: Matheson's is a name anyone with more than a passing similarity to my taste in movies & TV should be very well acquainted with, and if not, he certainly either wrote or directly inspired many things you're familiar with: he also wrote "The Incredible Shrinking Man", a dozen episodes of The Twilight Zone including "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet", the Star Trek episode "The Enemy Within", Steven Speilberg's first feature "Duel", the pilot of "Kolchak The Night Stalker", a slew of '60s Hammer and Roger Corman horror films, novels that were later adapted into "What Dreams May Come" and "Stir of Echoes"... the list is long, and besides being a chief inspiration for George Romero, he's also credited as such by Stephen King, and believed by Roger Ebert to be the spiritual father of later realist horror like "Rosemary's Baby" and "The Exorcist". Matheson was extremely influential. End of digression.)Price plays a scientist holed up in a house trying to survive while the rest of the world has been transformed by a viral plague into a bumbling, bloodthirsty vampiric creatures, sort of a combination of vampires and zombies. Yes, nowadays that setup is hackneyed, but remember: this came out in 1964. Now you know where every other one of those movies got the idea from.Part of the charm here, besides seeing these very familiar tropes when they were new, is that Price turns in about the best performance of his career here. He certainly hammed it up from time to time over the years, but he could act, and in this one, he plays it straight.If you're a film buff, especially of horror or sci fi, you need to at least know this one.The Last Rampage (121 words) I have always found Robert Patrick to be an acquired taste, and I suppose I've acquired it. He does a little more acting than usual in this true crime thriller, which portrays the infamous 1978 Tison Gang jailbreak and murder rampage across the southwest. Definitely a little Hollywooded-up, as I have a hard time believing all the white-trash villains, lawmen, and bystanders of 1970s Arizona were uniformly so gorgeous (see Heather Graham as Tison's deluded prison-groupie wife, as well as Chris Browning playing Billy Bob Thornton playing Tison's fellow escapee, the porcine-in-real-life Randy Greenawalt, as a lean-and-mean, charismatic psychopath), but apparently it's based on a well-though-of true crime book, and the sheer sociopathy of the crimes makes it a least hold interest. Last Shift (75 words) this entry in the already crowded “gorgeous lone female cop works the last desk shift at a haunted police station before it closes for good" genre features a gorgeous lone female cop working the last desk shift at a haunted police station before it closes for good. Random "scary" stuff happens which eventually turns out to be related to the on-site suicides of a poorly-explained, poorly-acted Manson Family type cult. Essentially, "1408" in a police station. The Last Winter (67 words) One of those small but special films I really like. Horror meets wilderness survival flick. Well done, solid, understated, original, starkly beautiful horror/suspense film set at oil drilling office in the remote arctic. Ron Perelman. Things slowly go wrong, climate change is implicated but no more is said than absolutely needs to be. Gorgeous, stark cinematography benefits the film in the same manner as "Open Water". The Lazarus Effect (37 words) after a team of gorgeous researchers discovered a cure for death, one of them is killed and resurrected, and gains random psychic powers, randomly turns evil, and kills her gorgeous teammates one by one for no reason. Legion (109 words) "The Prophecy", or some similar horseshit. Plot, just so I remember not to watch this again, is: God decides to wipe out mankind and sends the heavenly host to wipe out the Messiah, currently gestating in the belly of a waitress in a greasy spoon in the Arizona desert. Actually the first half or so wasn't bad, kind of similar to a less-cheezy "From Dusk Till Dawn" kind of aesthetic. But then you get buff dudes with wings swordfighting or some shit, and I get bored. You know, you'd expect an epic supernatural battle over the fate of mankind to involve something less mundane than fists, bullets, and teeth.Lethal Virus (70 words) Dawn Of The Dead. But in the woods instead of a mall. Because, cheaper, I guess. Also, with worse acting. Plus a weird international mish-mosh of accents including, grotesquely, what seems to be an Englishman trying to affect the accent of a southern redneck soldier in the English woods for some reason. Also the zombie actors appear to have been told to do some sort of jig as they run.Let Her Out (21 words) Woman's absorbed-in-utero twin starts to take over. When you've seen as many horror movies as I have, you know the drill.Let The Right One In (2008 Swedish film) 🧡 (261 words) I consider this film about a young boy who forms a friendship with centuries-old vampire who looks like a 12-year-old girl to be maybe one of the top 10 horror movies ever. This is one of those films like The Exorcist, The Omen, or The Shining where a talented director took on supernatural material, and made, not just a great horror movie, but a great movie, along the way telling a brand new story about familiar monsters without relying on cliche. (It may also be that three of the four movies mentioned were based on acclaimed novels.)It was originally recommended that I watch this with the original swedish soundtrack and English subtitles, and not use the terrible English audio overdubbing job, and though I don't like subtitled movies in this case it proved to be good advice.Two years later the novel was remade for American audience and titled "Let Me In", starring Chloe Grace Moretz, and it might be one of the few times her presence has ever made a movie worse. It just doesn't work to have a famous familiar face for the vampire in this movie. The Swedish version greatly benefits from the cast of extremely talented but unfamiliar actors. Other than that, the American version is still pretty good, as the source material is so good and it sticks close to it. But I think if you're going to watch either movie instead of reading the novel, just go straight to the Swedish original. It's really the one.Apparently there's an American TV series now too. Ugh. The Levenger Tapes (239 words) Listen, horror movie directors: people wandering around the woods at night getting freaked out by sounds (or, worse, by thinking they hear sounds, which you don't even hear) is A.) not a plot, and, B.) it's been done. Blair Witch did it, they did it better than you, it can't be repeated. Stop it. Another dreadful, zero budget first-person shooter where so little happens that it seems like they retroactively decided to film some non-first-person footage of police reviewing the "found footage" to see what happened to instersperse the non-action with, which still doesn't save the complete absence of plot. Kids camp out at a remote cabin, see someone camping nearby who they hit & run earlier, and decided to go to his campsite in the middle of the night to apologize. Except, even more boring than that sounds. Mostly just kids walking through the woods at night. This film hits every bonus points cliche for the genre: character saying "never stop filming!", one character suddenly disappears with no explanation, "Never stop filming! for whole damn movie, including situations no normal human would keep filming in, and camera suddenly hashes over and cuts out a split second after the villain/monster finally appears visibly in frame,first-person shot of camera laying on ground after attack, and randomly stumbling on abandoned house in the woods and wind up wandering around it. Plus a horror-cliche Oak Leaf Cluster for "no cell service". Life (66 words) Basically "The Blob" set in space or "Alien" without HR Giger's influence, but, really, surprisingly for a big-name Hollywood movie (Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Reynolds), really not bad for a space monster movie. If "not bad for a space monster movie" sounds appealing to you, and you're able to constrain your expectations to that, worth a watch. I liked it ok, which is more than I expected.Life Raft (44 words) This movie opens with a card that says, "This footage was found in a camera that washed up on a beach on Long Island".And that's all I know, because that's literally all it takes to get me to turn a movie off nowadays. Lights Out (69 words) very decent creature design, a few genuine momentary scares, and a focus on my personal phobia of the dark (yep, it's true) were not enough to keep my interest in this tale of a family pursued by a fiend that can only appear in the dark, and I spent the second half of the movie being much more entertained by googling pictures of unbelievably beautiful lead actress Teresa Palmer. Limitless (43 words) Decent drama/thriller starring Bradley Cooper as a down-on-his-luck writer who gets access to a drug that allows him to use 100% of his brain capacity, and his subsequent business and political ascent. Between him and De Niro in a supporting role, pretty watchable. The LIttle Hours (61 words) Charming pic based on a tale from the Decameron. Medeival nunnery with Aubrey Plaza, that little girl from Garfunkel & Oates, Alison Brie, John C. Reilly all dressed in medieval garb but acting like modern people. Better than hearing about that kind of cliched irony might lead you to believe. Could have gone either way, but, really pretty fun. I liked it.Livescream 🗑 (108 words) The world's most boring video game makes the world's most boring "horror" movie. A screencast of a video game livestreamer histrionically reacting to a not-scary, non-action-packed "horror" video game that looks like it was written in 1988 which tells him his viewers are being killed as they leave the chat one by one, which he for some reason believes. That's the movie. This guy playing a "scary" video game, shouting at the screen, and over-emoting at the deaths that he has no reason to actually believe have occurred while he plays.Who sent him this game? Who made it? They never say. That's the level this movie operates on. The Lobster (74 words) Promising but ultimately disappointing future dystopian black comedy with a slight Clockwork Orange artifice and sterility to the production. Single people are sent to a hotel to either hook up or be transformed into animals and set loose in the woods. One man escapes and joins the "loners", who forbid romance, in the woods — at which point the movie completely runs out of steam, and spends the remaining half its length going absolutely nowhere. The Lodge (113 words) Boy, what to say about this. Father says he wants a divorce, mom blows her brains out, six months later father brings kids & new fiance up to his remove fishing lodge and leaves them there in the dead of winter. Two acts of sheer, drawn-out boredom as the kids and new fiance first fail to get along, then come to believe they've died and are stuck in the house, lead into one of the most emotionally cold, cruel, brutal third acts I've ever seen. Can't exactly say it's a bad movie, but can't imagine who would ever find this entertaining. Not many movies have made me actually feel bad, but this one did. The Long Dumb Road (58 words) Surprisingly alright buddy road trip pick that isn't really the stupid slapstick comedy it looks like it's going to be. Episodic slice of life as pair of travelers are thrown together, and get in and out of various trouble on their way actoss the southwest. Jason Mantouzakis does his usual thing, but somehow manages not to be overbearing. Long Weekend/Nature's Grave 🧡 (258 words) Here we have a rare beast: for Long Weekend, both the 1978 original and the 2008 remake starring Jim Cavaziel (distributed in America with the title "Nature's Grave") are both worth seeing. They're good in different ways. I might prefer the original but thanks to capable horror direction the remake has some memorably chilling moments.Anyway, the story is the same in both: a crass suburban couple goes camping on a remote beach in Australia, and things just go wrong. To say more would spoil it. A big favorite of mine and a pretty one-of-a-kind film, in both versions.I've since gotten the sense that the 1978 original of this isn't revered as a minor classic, but I'm not sure why. We live in a world where everybody has heard of "Last House On The Left" and "I Spit On Your Grave", both of which came out in the same general time as "Long Weekend", and those films are both garbage, nowhere near as good. Not even in the same class.I went back and forth whether to mark this review as "favorite" or "honorable mention" because, unlike, say, "Network", both versions are far from undisputable, must-see cinematic masterpieces. But both of them, in their own ways, at very least hold up all the way through, and at their best have some extremely memorable and unique moments that I consider standout classic horror. I think my love of them has more to do with my particular tastes than anything else. But, ultimately, yes, in both versions, it's a favorite of mine. Loot (series) (66 words) Maya Rudolph as a billionaire who, following her divorce, goes to work for one of her charity foundations. A little unusually nuanced... while she predictably gets redemption by learning valuable lessons from the tireless charity volunteers, they also learn from her that it's ok to pamper yourself sometimes. Well-cast and well-acted, though, which elevates this a little bit over standard fare. I kinda like this show.The Lost End 🤔 (120 words) This ambitious indie flick is somewhere in the David Lynch, Guillermo Del Toro, Gaspar Noe triangle of "film is art" highly-stylized productions. A man whose wife and son disappear on a trip to the beach—or is it his mother and his younger self?—leading him to search a desert community for them and become involved with some sort of cult. People turn into lizards, bugs, skeletons, and the entire thing is intentionally dreamlike (and consequently, hard to follow the plot of.)Nowhere near as good a film as any of the above-mentioned names would have made, and probably not one I can recommend, nonetheless, I admire the ambition, no matter how far short it falls of its lofty goals. Love Eternal (106 words) Ok, no great shakes. Kind of turgid. Strange young man tries to end his own life, keeps bumping into suicidal women and in two cases takes their bodies home for a short while before burying them in his garden and moving on to the next one. Completely unengaging leading man with virtually no personality and not much drama or buildup to the story kind of leadens the whole endeavor. Also not clear why some suicidal women would be so damn chipper and engaging. It does have that woman who played the strange junkyard woman in Walking Dead, who I've always kind of liked for some reason.Lovely, Dark, And Deep (191 words) Talk about disappointing. Started in the sort of quiet, unambitious, but tense way some of my favorite little indie horror films do—reminded me in a strange way of "Yellowbrickroad", a flawed masterpiece in my eyes that takes a lot of chances and ultimately comes down on the right side of them, especially in how it made good use of daylit woods for tension, increasingly rare to find these days as a wooded setting has become such an overused horror movie trope. But then, it descends into the a hackneyed use of just throwing together a bunch of nonsensical hallucinatory scenes of surreal, unexplained "scary" things happening, one after another, with no real explanation why, in lieu of a plot. By the time it was over I couldn't figure out what the story even was, besides "Woman gets a job as a park ranger in the backcountry, hallucinates a lot of weird stuff from her past, then is a park ranger again." Eventually I looked it up on wikipedia, which explained it, and actually the fundamental idea, like the quietly spooky first act, wasn't bad. But the execution was just disjointed.Luck (67 words) charming enough animated kids movie about a young woman who finds herself in the world where good luck and bad luck were made. Good-natured without being cloying. It's not brilliant like "Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs", but you know when sometimes you just watch a kids movie because nothing else is on and you need to kill 90s minutes? You can do that with this one.The Luring (116 words) Couple buys a new vacation house, and lots of stilted, boring dialogue and terrible acting happens, "creepy" characters show up and say "dramatic" and "spooky" things, as the man descends into the worst imitation of Jack Nicholson's performance in "The Shining" ever committed to 16mm film. One of the worst movies I've ever seen. Stiff, wooden overacting, terrible writing, stilted and unbelievable dialogue, lighting that looks like a high school drama production, jumbled story that flips between time periods without every explaining what's going on... how do these movies get made? Did nobody anywhere in this production stop and say, "Wait a minute, this really sucks, we should fix this or maybe just not do it"?The Lurking Fear 🤔 (264 words) Ok, couldn't have sounded less promising. "When a TV crew shoots a reality show at an abandoned mental institution, they encounter a horde of demons, leading to a bloody fight for survival". But, then, I see Michael Madsen is in it. He has a glorified cameo as a smalltown sheriff for 15-20 minutes at the beginning. But, then, I notice something: for a movie that is basically what you'd expect from people wandering around a darkened abandoned building being attacked by actors in pancake makeup... it was actually alright. I don't really go for gore flicks, and it was super cheezy, but it was kind of good within those constraints. And then, instead of ending where most movies would, when the final girl escapes the asylum, it keeps going, and lets Michael Madsen come back to chew the scenery for a pretty brutal final act, elevating it to actually an alright Giallo-type flick. It's kind of weird and extreme and absolutely not subtle in any way, very much whatever the opposite of subtle is. I'm not a huge fan of Giallo, I mostly like it ok but don't love it, but if you're a Giallo fan, I might even say if you can put up with how long this takes to rise just a hair above the crowd, it might actually be worth seeking it out. I see it has a 2.5 out of 10 stars on IMDB, which makes sense, but, still. I might even watch it again someday, which is more than I can say for most of the crap horror films on Tubi.LX 2048 🤔 (112 words) Takes a while to get going, but sort of fun future technodystopia where a company sells "insurance" where if a spouse dies, you get a clone within 48 hours... with the ability to request small custom improvements, of course. What could go wrong? (Hint: everything.) Not quite the movie it wants to be, padded out with unnecessary secondary ideas that are explored then just dropped, and so takes a little while to get going ... would have been a very good Black Mirror episode, with tighter plotting. At twice that length feels a little long for the idea, but still, I'd give it a 'B'. Reasonably well done, not great but definitely not crap.Lyla (79 words) An impossible-to-understand movie, basically The Shining set in a small cabin, as a writer, his wife, and young son move to a cabin and their relationship falls apart and inexplicable things seem to happen, except, without making any narrative sense. The writer maybe kills a guy. The wife decides to cut the son's tongue out for no clear reason. People approach the writer like they know him. However, the cinematography is consistently gorgeous enough that it kept me engaged.Lyle (14 words) Gaby Hoffman in a lesbian retelling of Rosemary's baby, except nowhere near as good. M (36 reviews)Made Me Do It 🗑 (77 words) Another flippin' home movie made it onto Tubi. Kids in a house being stalked by a slasher... how did an incompetent filmmaker come up with such an original idea? Every stock "I don't know how to make a movie" trope: weird, random "artsy" jump cuts and needless video effects between scenes, abysmal acting, no lighting or sound design to speak of, and possibly no script. 100% garbage. One of the very rare times I've turned a movie off. Magellan (33 words) A decent sci fi flick. A lone astronaut on a 10-year space voyage to locate the source of intelligent radio signals from within our solar system. Quiet and somewhat introspective, I enjoyed it.Maggie (series) (86 words) The cloyingly overcute Rebecca Rittenhouse, far less effective playing a nice character than she was playing an intimidating gorgeous snob in The Mindy Project, as a convoluted, forced sitcom idea of a "psychic" who has to constantly deal (and force her friends to constantly deal) with "visions" which seem less like glimpses of the future and more like plot devices to drive dramatic developments. Never has such a good cast (Kerri Kenney Silver, Chris Elliot, Nichole Sakura nee Bloom) been so wasted on vacuous rom-com piffle. The Maid's Room (41 words) What starts off like a cheezy tv movie slowly turns into a very decent hitchcockian thriller. An illegal immigrant maid hired by a family in the Hamptons suspects the son has drunkenly hit-and-run a pedestrian, and it all goes to shit. The Man From Earth (227 words) Uh-oh. Another of those kinds of movie that I like but I bet most people didn't: the entire film is a group of people having a conversation. It takes place almost entirely in one room. A college professor, reluctantly attending his own going-away party before moving on to his next job, confesses to a group of colleagues that he is immortal and has lived for 14,000. Cue 90 minutes of cerebral and, to me, well-done and interesting conversation among academic types of varying degrees of skepticism (and one unfortunate cliched religious zealot, my sole gripe with the film, only because, as here, they're all too often a cheap way of perfunctorily adding conflict), exploring all the different angles of this. For a completely unrealistic premise, I think the conversation, and the main character's takes on things, are very realistic and well thought-out along the lines of what an actual, realistic human who may or may not actually have lived for 14,000 years might think and say. I liked it, I wouldn't say it's a great movie but it's unique, memorable, and it treats the audience with respect, which I think are the next-best things for a movie to be. Curious to see if everybody else hated it. (Hey, hey! 7.8 on IMDB, 85% Rotten Tomatoes audience score, and 100% critic concensus on the Tomatometer. Sometimes my fellow fantastic cinema buffs pleasantly surprise me.) The Man From Toronto (101 words) It's starting to feel like you can kind of rely on Kevin Hart. Anything he's in is going to be at least reasonably good. This is a fairly forgettable action/adventure buddy comedy involving Hart going to the wrong cabin and being mistaken for a hit man, excepting one extremely memorable, well-choreographed, well-shot fight scene near the end, where they fend off a handful of assassins in the gym, which rightfully should go down in action movie history as a classic. That aside, this was entertaining enough. One of his lesser efforts, but Hart keeps his reputation for picking good projects.Maniac (55 words) If you're going to watch a slasher movie, it's going to be a slasher movie, no matter what. Given that, it might as well be "Maniac". Character-driven, for one thing, and told from an unusual first-person perspective of the villain, played by the always-strangely-likable-even-at-his-most-degenerate Elijah Wood. Plus a really authentic-sounding '70s-style analog synth soundtrack. Man Seeking Woman [tv show] 🧡 (100 words) I loved this show.Jay Baruchel, Eric Andre, and the ridiculously likable Britt Lower in a magical-realist take on dating. If you've ever gone to a party and discovered your recent ex is there with her new boyfriend, and, he's literally Adolph Hitler, and, everyone at the party likes him more than you... then you should be able to relate to this.It had all the monsters and magic of dating made literal, and, played them with a completely straight face. It was three seasons of deadpan humor, mixed with surreal, sci-fi, and fantasy elements. And I enjoyed it immensely.Man Vs (52 words) Pretty decent entry in the "man realizes he's not alone in the remote woods" category. No more cliched than the story requires, which is nice, and especially refreshingly centers on a man who videos himself at all times (outdoor survival reality show star in this case), without using shaky first-person camera perspective.Maps To The Stars (103 words) Surprised to find out this was David Cronenberg. Seemed more like Robert Altman doing one of those "look how horrible film industry people are" films that's primarily entertaining only to film industry people. I did notice it was among the more engrossing of those, but, still. Even the likable cast (Robert Pattinson notwithstanding) couldn't really keep me interested. Julianne Moore won some sort of big award for her performance as a vapid aging star in this. It was almost as weird as seeing her as a porn star in "Boogie Nights", and she basically managed to make even that work somehow, so, ok. Mara (20 words) Paint-by-numbers supernatural thriller about a gorgeous young woman besieged by monstrous forces, this time about sleep paralysis and a demon.Marriage (series) (31 words) Less-charismatic Ed Helms stand-in Nat Faxon and my former celebrity crush Judy Greer make marriage look absolutely unbearable and totally unrewarding, plus cure me of my celebrity crush on Judy Greer. Martyrs (94 words) Like seeing pretty girls be tortured? Then you'll probably like this film. Don't like seeing pretty girls be tortured? Then you won't. There's some religious or supernatural claptrap it's wrapped in, but it's not important. I wasn't at all suprised to discover this is a remake of a French horror movie, the surest sign of a terrible horror movie. The french culture seems to have an immaculate grasp of so many art forms, and they compensate for it with a complete, total inability to figure out how to write a good horror movie plot. Masterminds (58 words) Comedy based on real-life armored car heist caper. Zack Galiafinakis, Owen Wilson, Kristen Wiig, Kate McKinnon, Jason Sudeikis, Sharon Jones, Joe Lo Truglio, and many more. With that many big comedy names in one movie, how could it be funny? Answer: it can't. It's mildly amusing, yeah. At moments. But that's the best I can say for it. Masters Of Horror (series) 👍 (358 words) Wow. Real honorable mention here. This is an anthology series where acclaimed directors (Tobe Hooper, Dario Argento, John Landis, John Carpenter) each directed a 1-hour horror film.I found this one on Tubi, and for the most part, it's actual horror cinema, not the TV "horror"-in-quotes writing exemplified by campy shows like "American Horror Story", which use horror tropes with any edges safely blunted off to avoid upsetting anybody.As an anthology, the quality is up and down, but season 1 at least for the most part finds these directors in top form and, in the best episodes, not watering their fare down for TV... this is something fans of actual quality horror movies might actually enjoy.Director Takashi Miike's episode, while not among my favorites, was actually pulled from the original run of the series by Showtime over concerns about the content being too extreme (for cable TV in 2006!) and, true to form, Dario Argento's episode, characteristically both ridiculous and disturbing, had to be edited for violence in the original run, too.And, happily, it doesn't even lean very often into "horror comedy" or in-jokes, for the most part indulging in that only when it will actually work (I had a chuckle when John Landis's episode has a policeman, speculating that a wild animal attack has improbably occurred in his town, mention that a wolf attack was reported in central London in 1981, an amusing callback to his own "An American Werewolf In London", a childhood favorite of mine.)The second season isn't as good, it's more dulled-down "tv horror", although it still has its moments, and is, by and large, still often better than most other TV horror series I've seen. I was somewhat unnerved by the idea, if not entirely the execution, of Joe Dante's season 2 episode "The Screwfly Solution", in which something similar to pest control biotech, originally designed to reduce insect populations by chemically interfering with mating urges, finds a much broader use.Tobe Hooper also is nice to see back in fine form in his season 1 episode "Dance Of The Dead", but I'm not going to say any more than that about that.Masters of Sci Fi (series) (105 words) Fairly unmemorable one-season anthology series, from the producers of "Masters of Horror", which follows the same format of letting prominent (in this case, less prominent) genre directors and writers an hour of TV time to do their thing. Talky mostly more about dialogue than action, which is actually how I tend to like my sci-fi, and by and large pretty well-done, although a day after bingeing it I find myself struggling to remember any of the plotlines. Notably good acting in the first episode, getting Judy Davis and Sam Waterston locked in a room together to act out a sci-fi drama was a good idea.Matriarch (95 words) A stunningly original story in which a young pregnant couple's car breaks down in the countryside where, in an unexpected twist, there's no cell service, so they go to, get this, a nearby farmhouse, which turns out to be inhabited by, you'll never believe this, a crazy family that takes them prisoner and wants to keep the baby. Finally, get this, in the end, only the woman survives to escape. How in the world do they come up with this stuff? I mean, other than maybe watching the 3000 other movies with the same exact plot?Matriarch (55 words) Once you know the movie description starts with "A pregnant couple's car breaks down in the woods so they seek help at a nearby farmhouse" you know what you're in for. All the quaint English charm and gorgeous shots of the rural English countryside in the world can't save this sadistic, wholly unnecessary captivity flick. The Maze Runner (35 words) You can virtually hear someone watching "The Hunger Games" and thinking, "There's got to be a way I can come up with a franchise that is this same thing, except I get paid for it." Meandre (Meander) (35 words) "Cube", but with less explanation behind it. A woman finds is picked up hitchhiking, then wakes up in a series of tunnels filled with traps and monsters. She escapes. That's it, that's the whole plot.Megan Is Missing (58 words) Abducted child torture porn. Two girls are girls, then they are abducted, tortured, killed. The end. Notable for 3 scarily realistic, intense, gory shots of first girl (2 alive, one dead), and what must be a laborious 10 minute scene of nothing but watching a shovel dig a shallow grave while a girl pleads offscreen. Does someone actually consider this entertainment?Melvin Goes To Dinner (122 words) First-time director Bob Odenkirk loads this calculatedly "relatable" movie with shaky, out-of-focus handheld camerawork; "artistic" effects like illutrasting a character telling an anecdote with a flashback consisting only of still photos or shot a different film stock; and, star cameos in every bit part; just with the end goal of recreating the experience of a bunch of unbearable people making overly earnest, "revealing" conversation much too loudly at the next restaurant table, in the comfort of your own living room. By the time some sort "plot twists" revealing the surprise illicit relationships between the characters came around, I had long since stopped caring. I like Bob Odenkirk, hopefully he's gotten this out of his system and will get back to something entertaining. The Menu (98 words) Well, I have found it—the least believable movie of all time. A bunch of rich people go to a chef's exclusive island for an exclusive meal, which will end in the death of all the guests and staff (as part of the"art"), and some attend even aware of this beforehand. How they got a bunch of well-known actors to participate in this silliness is beyond me. Only slight redeeming point: Ralph Fiennes, already proven great as menacing authority figures, as the chef. But B-list faces abound: Anya Taylor-Joy, John Leguizamo, Judith Light. What were they thinking??Messenger Of Wrath 🗑 (110 words) A strangely ambitious story for a movie that appears to be a zero-budget home movie starring the director's friends. A home invasion captivity flick gets longer and more complex than I can follow, as the masked home invaders apparently are then picked off by a mysterious further masked bad guy. I don't know, couldn't follow it. It did have strangely well-done background music, almost like they spent more money on that than on the rest of the movie combined. They certainly didn't spend anything on sound, lights, or special effects. Or actors. Absolute garbage, but I almost liked it just for having no clue at all when to stop. Almost. Midnighters (34 words) what neo-noir is when made by people who don't realize that neo-noir is about relationships, not just torture porn with some obligatory criminal double-crosses and complications to serve as background for the torture scenes. Mind Leech 🗑 (73 words) Two men ice fishing on a lake in the midwest pull up a huge fake rubber leech that attaches itself to bad actors' foreheads and causes them to stagger around like zombies and kill people.So consistently terrible, cheap-looking, and over-the-top, yet so obviously committed to by some of Michigan's worst actors, that I bet it could be a cult favorite among "so bad it's good" fans.I'm not one of those, though.Mirrors (183 words) Big-budget supernatural thriller. Kiefer Sutherland and essentially a glorified cameo from Amy Smart. It's hard to go wrong with a supernatural thriller (I refuse to call this a horror movie; a little too much gunfire) about mirrors. Even the worst ones (Poltergeist 3) have their moments, because, mirrors are creepy. That shot of someone walking away from a mirror but their reflection staying there and gazing at them is always going to work. So, take that, and add Kiefer Sutherland as a gorgeous disgraced-cop-turned-night-security-guard-for-an-abandoned-department-store shooting his gun at a demon in the sewer, and some obligatory scenes of his gorgeous ex-wife and cute kids at home being creepily menaced by every reflective surface in the house, and, meh. Definitely will appeal to, I don't know, the kind of people who thought "Inception" was an intellectual movie. For me, faintly entertaining, since I had a good idea what I was getting into (Kiefer Sutherland is kind of a tipoff.) Y'know, Hollywood. It's not total crap like something you'd see John Cusack in, but not somehow cool, like a movie Lance Hendriksen would appear in, either.Mom And Dad 👍 (1151 words) Somewhere in the great purgatory of "also-rans" and "very near misses", "Mom And Dad" surely occupies a place of honor. A somewhat spectacular role-reversal play on how kids become strangers to their parents as they grow up, as an unexplained epidemic of madness (biological warfare is name-dropped as a possibility, but it never gets clearer than that) drives parents to begin trying to murder their kids. One observation that speaks well of this film is that the lack of a reason for the events it depicts almost immediately ceases to matter. The explanation isn't missed, a la "Night Of The Living Dead".This, I must say, is my kind of movie: just things going *awry*, to the most perverse extreme, yet without stretching credulity so far past the point of believability that you can't empathize. Numerous passing notes provide depth, such as a briefly-seen news interview clip showing a parent who has murdered his child, apparently in full command of his faculties, explaining calmly that "I think what's happening is awful" — except, when asked directly, in the case of his child, which, he says with obvious satisfaction, "it was exactly right."Great horror draws you in with realism and plays on your own comforts and fears, and this conceit, which could so easily have been botched, fully qualifies. It's got the kind of tone and balance to make it a true visceral horror on an emotional, not physical, level, a kind of emotional gore (and, it bears mentioning as an aside, visually it's much less bloody than a movie like this could have been, and shies away from showing gore that most people would have. For instance, one scene is made more disturbing by intimating the presence of the corpse of a child, someone we have seen earlier in the film, by the sound of flies and not actually ever showing it.) This is perhaps a slight disappointment for the modern horror buff, but for me, it's a throwback to a time when horror pictures tried to be well-made movies, not just 90 minutes of visual shock and gore, and aspired to be lean/spare/economical rather than gratuitous. It's the kind of horror that works in broad daylight.That proper "emotional horror" tone and balance are something very, very few movies pull off right, and I can think of far more failures than successes...the Nicole Kidman vehicle "The Invasion" leaps to mind as an example of this common failure, in how takes one of the creepiest basic tropes in storytelling history and succeeds in somehow divesting it of any sort of gut-level unease for the viewer.Or perhaps the best opposing example is this film's failed evil twin, "The Happening", with its vaguely similar themes, equally disturbing in concept and even in some passing momentary scenes, and yet, in its entirety, a complete, laughable, abject failure in its execution.So, with this very well-done buildup, I'd say the first half of this was shaping up to be one of my favorite movies. I generally multitask while I watch movies, but about 15 minutes into this one, I had to put the laptop away so I could watch it with undivided attention, which is about the highest praise I can give the first 15 minutes of a horror movie. The dread nicely escalates, as news reports and background police activity slowly reveal society going off the hinges, finally culminating earlier in the film than expected in a very well-played scene in the delivery room in which mom's sister bears her first child — with results that were played well enough not to be disappointing even though they were entirely predictable. Cinematically, up to that point, it was well done, in the same way that I like about the 2004 remake of "Dawn Of The Dead" — especially the beginning, which it was reminiscent of, in both the early scenes of a forebodingly sterile suburbia, and in the overall "this is never going to be an 'A' horror movie, so let's make it the most solid B+ horror movie we possibly can" quality of the buildup.Unfortunately, it then sags in the middle, when it stops showing the widespread effects and background of society deteriorating, and shifts entire focus inwards to focus exclusive the main protagonist family, becoming sort of a murderous reverse "Home Alone" where the parents, rather than burglars, are after the kids, resulting in all sorts of around-the-house ingenuity (duct tape is used in two different gimmicks), and never pulls back out to show what's going on in the rest of society again.It even completely forgets about the sister and baby the movie made us invest emotionally in halfway through with a harrowing delivery room scene, never bothering to return to them — rendering that entire subplot a mere shock device instead of a plot development.But, oh, on the plus side, did I mention, the parents are Nicholas Cage and Selma Blair? These choice bits of casting really help things along, especially Blair, who is talented enough to glide smoothly from murderous to tender and back again in a heartbeat, telling the kids she's trying to kill that she and their dad love them "more than anything," and making it sound believable.The overall fun of the picture compensates for its more predictable plot developments, but unfortunately, as the narrative of mounting social unrest-cum-terror of the first half is completely abandoned in exchange for a much narrower survival tale about one pair of kids who weren't really given quite enough background or character development to make us care about them personally, it ceases to live up to its broader potential as a horror yarn. It's the very definition of a seriously flawed gem.The reviewer on RogerEbert.com got it right when he said, "[the filmmaker] gets so much right here that I can't help but strongly recommend "Mom and Dad" ... with some qualifications." Ultimately, I don't love it. But I know I will watch it again. That's definite.And, as if I needed one more thing to like about this near-perfect near-miss, it also once again reaffirms my favorite horror movie trope: the key to survival in any horror-movie scenario is outliving Lance Hendrikson. He's *always* the last to go. I think they cast him for that on purpose.[Note, 2023: Posting this online several years after writing it, I want to add I was sufficiently disturbed by the good parts of this movie that to this day I've resisted watching it again as it's popped back up online. It's not so much that it's a scary movie as it effectively communicates scary concepts that I'm not sure I want to think about: essentially, it asks, what exactly, deep down, is the difference between the instinctual drives of love and rage? Off the top of my head I can't think of a lot of movies that had that kind of effect on me.]The Monster Of Mangatiti (72 words) Hoooooo. Rough one. Thought it was a "based on a true story" horror movie, but it was closer to a documentary, with the real-life victim of a horrific 23-week captivity in 1985 on a remote farm in the Australian backcountry narrating a fairly intense dramatization of her true story. Mostly psychological torture, but also menial and sexual slavery, impregnation and subsequent termination by a physical beating, constant threats and manipulation, etc. Upsetting shit. Most Horrible Things ("Love Hurts") (57 words) Terribly edited movie in which a dead ringer for Prince invites a bunch of gorgeous 20somethings to his mansion to smugly torture them psychologically into killing each other with his investigative knowledge of their pasts and incredible insight into their character flaws, driving them to murder, interspliced with clips of Prince's ensuing interrogation by gorgeous police detectives. Moth (62 words) Absolutely dreadfully boring first person shooter. Two people spend half the movie driving around doing nothing, then they spend half the movie running through the woods and arguing. And that's really it. They talk and yell and run and nothing else happens. It's not even "found footage horror" any more. They might as well make a found footage movie of paint drying.The Mount 2 (134 words) Amateurish, pretentious outing where a bunch of kids and some unexplained adults apparently having a Halloween party in an abandoned house in Gibraltar start stabbing each other for some reason. Also apparently some of them are ghosts, because nobody else reacts to them, and they sometimes turn to the camera and brag "I'm a fucking ghost!". Also there's one part where they got bored making a movie because it turns into a badly over-acted music video or musical or something. Note to future directors: throwing one scene of an unexplained theatrical musical number into the middle of your horror movie doesn't really make it that much scarier. Nor does having a murdered, gloating over the murder scene, address the camera, "You wanted blood? Well here's fucking blood!" Am I supposed to feel bad now?Murmur (118 words) A bunch of social media influencers...You don't really need to know more about that plot than that, do you? It's another horror movie about social media influencers, which has been categorically proven to be the lamest thing ever to make a horror movie about.But, to finish.... they go into the woods and play a VR game, that, I dunno, it turns out to be real, or something? The whole thing is for people who were raised thinking watching someone play a video game is entertaining. Not for me.Starts with the apparently now de rigeur first-person shooter convention of spending like a damn hour showing them goofing around and not advancing the plot in any way.Mustang Sally's Horror House 💩 (149 words) A true aberration, the rare "so bad it's good" movie I enjoyed. This thoroughly"USA Up All Nite"-level fare about a bunch of frat boys who go to a bordello and are killed one-by-one by the ladies is, well, thoroughly"USA Up All Nite"-level fare, from start to finish. It doesn't really try too hard, and plays like something made in about 1972. These movies, you know, they remind me of my shiftless year or two right after college, working a shit admin assistant job by day and smoking weed and watching "USA Up All Nite" every weekend. Hard not to feel a little affection for a movie that evokes that this well. I'd never recommend anybody watch it, but I may again, if there's nothing else on someday. Suprisingly, this is from 2006. I would have given it no later than 1992 at the absolute latest, and probably earlier.The Mutations (53 words) Donald Pleasence is a mad scientist who eperiments on his students and then sells them to a freak show in this unapologetic '70s exploitation ripoff of "Freaks". If you're into the kind of bad movie Donald Pleasence might star in, and like the whole 1970sness of it, you might enjoy. Otherwise, avoid.Mystery Spot 💩 (256 words) What a weird movie. A motel with the ruins of a burned-down "Mystery Spot" tourist trap out back draws strange clientele: A man rents a room and spends all afternoon auditioning actors, asking them strange and probing questions. A writer, mourning her husbamd, checks into the next room. A policeman apparently lives in the parking lot, watching the filmmaker to try to figure out what he's doing. Now, make no mistake: this is a bad movie. It's poorly written. It's mostly poorly acted. It's a bad indie film. But, for that: it's pretty good. Most importantly, the leads, the filmmaker and the writer, are really good actors, far better than you usually see in this sort of thing. About halfway through the movie, they get a long scene just talking, getting to know each other—pure character development and, it seems to me the sort of thing two skilled actors might have asked the director to put in the movie and let them ad lib, just to give them some real acting to do. And, it kinda works, it elevates the film just a little bit. Plus, although it's really badly written, it's also not particularly derivative or anything I've seen before... maybe it reminds me a tiny bit of "The Lost Room", but it's not even terribly close to that. So: I kinda liked it! It's bad, for sure. But I liked it. If I had seen this on "Chiller Theater" when I was a kid, I probably would have remembered it fondly for decades. N (21 reviews)Nanoshark 🗑 (179 words) Picture this: you get together your funniest friends to make a movie with "Airplane"-style goofy humor. Now picture your funniest friends aren't available, so you get just a bunch of your not-quite-as-funny friends, plus that one weird neighbor from down the street, and they gamely try to save this intentionally ridiculous tale about shrinking a shark down to enter a kid's body to eat a disease, and mostly fail.Sample dialog:Soldier (who looks nothing like a soldier, but we're told she's a soldier): "Shark attack at 1 o'clock, sir"General: "One o'clock? That's a long time from now. Are you psychic?"Soldier: "No, I mean [pointing] thereabouts."General: "So why didn't you just say 'thereabouts'?"Soldier: "It didn't seem soldier-y."Now picture that dialog being delivered people who just have nothing like the comic timing or sensibility that might have allowed Leslie Nielsen to get away with it.Funny thing is, given how utterly silly it is, the writing isn't terrible. Leslie Nielsen probably could have pulled it off. He's nowhere within a country mile of this, though. Nathan For You [tv show] 🧡 (464 words) A huge favorite of mine. Nathan Fielder is a "business expert" who comes up with hilarious, incredibly ludicrous, far-fetched ideas to save struggling businesses in this unscripted, quasi-"reality" show.Just one example off the top of my head: a struggling appliance store is being run out of business by a nearby major chain store. When the chain store advertises that they'll match any advertised price, Fielder advises the appliance store owner to start advertising a certain TV for $1. Then, he'll send people over to buy out that TV from the chain store for $1, and when they're out of stock, his client can raise the price again and resell them in his own store for full price, a 100% profit.In the kind of complication the show specialized in, somebody noticed that if he advertised the TV for $1, someone might come in and try to buy it for $1. But Fielder has a plan. When people show up looking for the advertised special, he throws numerous obstacles in their way, including pointing to a sign that the store put up that they now have a dress code, and formalwear is required to enter.Then when one person comes back later dressed in a tuxedo and demands to buy the TV, Fielder tells him, sure, it's right in our special room in the back, and leads him to a back wall... with a tiny, one-foot door in it. He tells the man, "that's the premium TV section, they're expensive so we keep them in a special room."The man gets down and squeezes through the door......and then we see inside, as the man stands up: he's in one room, and then there's some kind of glassed-in middle room he has to walk through, and then, on the other side of the middle room, there's the room with the $1 TV.And, in the middle room, is a live alligator.So the man gives up and leaves. And as he sees him out of the store, Nathan innocently asks him, "So... you don't want to buy the TV?" And says to him, "I feel bad, too, you know. That's $1 of profit we're not getting."Meanwhile, as this is all going on, there's a second ridiculous subplot of Fielder trying to hire people to go buy TVs for $1 from the chain store.All this is pretty par for the course for this show, things regularly got that goofily complicated or occasionally much moreso. It was really funny, and consistent. Not just once, but several times during the show's run, stunts Fielder set up for episodes in production went viral on the internet or even in the news media by themselves, before the episodes aired, with nobody realizing until later on that they were staged for a comedy TV show.Necropath 👍 (590 words) WOW. Here we have something special.Ok, wait, let me qualify that.For starters, let me say: my first impression was, most people will hate this movie. Reading up on it afterwards, as is my habit when a movie really interests me, I discovered, yes, sure, enough, everybody hated it. Not just disliked it, I mean REALLY hated it.I was blown away by it, loved almost every minute of it.This is a very flawed and totally amateurish movie for sure—but, here's the rub: "Night Of The Living Dead", "Eraserhead", and most of David Cronenberg's classic films were flawed, very amateurish movies. Like them, this to me is the work of an extremely skilled amateur savant, someone with absolutely no understanding of most of the conventions of storytelling, and an absolutely brilliant intuitive feel for the camera and the editing desk.This is a movie for deep, deep horror aficianados. It is absolutely gory, grand guignol. It has very little plot and so little dialogue it could pass for a silent movie. It's almost an art film. None of the characters even have names. It looks like it was filmed on a $1.50 budget.The plot is almost nonexistent: A heroin-addicted serial killer roams the city streets while some sort of zombie apocalypse rages. And that's it. Beyond episodic scenes of people trying to survive and the title "necropath" walking around trying to fulfill whichever hunger of his is dominant in the moment, what little plot there is left open-ended. No questions are answered. Is the serial killer a zombie? Are the "zombies" alive or dead (they seem to be able to think and have an odd tendency to speak, as much as anybody in this movie does, which pretty much amounts mostly to one-word utterances.) None of it is ever explained. And if you ask me, it doesn't matter.The movie is absolutely carried by the performance of the killer, whose gibbering, bug-eyed, feral performance alone eleviates this to the level of a favorite for me. From the very first sight of him, leering eerily out-of-focus outside a car window as he prepares to attack the occupant, I was immediately gripped. The performance, the cinematography, everything... that one shot was enough to tell me something was special here.This reminded me in a way of "The Inside" (2012), another movie that forgoes pretty much all the conventions of movie making such as, say, plot—ordinarily something I prefer a movie has—very successfully, in my opinion. This, like "The Inside", is not a movie about a story, it's a movie about the conventions of the horror genre, and it tackles hallowed conventions in a fresh way. This one was even better at it than "The Inside", too, and despite the conventional (read: tired) zombie film tropes, this one is far more original in how it tackles it.I don't know if anyone in the world but me likes this movie, or even doesn't absolutely hate it. But I loved it. Absolutely should be a deep cult favorite. I am sure as years go by horror aficianados here and there will talk about this with reverence. And most (of the very few) people who've seen it will think they're nuts. But they're not. It's repellent and awful and disgusting and horribly lacking in any conventional redeeming qualities, and also, really, really something special for the kind of audience that can appreciate it.Think of it as a zombie movie "Last Exit To Brooklyn", if that helps put it in perspective.Nekrotronik (23 words) As "Buckaroo Bonzai" was to goofy sci-fi and interdimensional travel, so is Nekrotronik to the supernatural, ghosts and demons. Fun. And, it's Australian.The Neon Demon (58 words) Elle Fanning as a young model garnering resentment among other models by rising too fast when she gets to LA, so they kill her. Technically very well made, it's sort of like someone saw a Gaspar Noe movie and said, "I can do that!" because they didn't notice there's actually more to Gaspar Noe's movies than slick cinematography.Network 🧡 (638 words) This is my favorite movie, full stop.I love this movie so much, am so close to it, I don't know what to say. It's like trying to write a summary of a beloved life-long friend.This movie about the intersection of power, economics, and media, explored through a tale about the mental breakdown of a news anchor and the paradox of his resulting rise in ratings. It predicted, in 1976, so many things that we didn't see in reality until much later: the forces of economic globalization, the rise of "reality television", the commercial subversion of TV news (still, it may be hard to remember now, valued as a source of objective information at the time) from a reporting concern into a driver of profits and propaganda outlet—and takes them all to a ridiculous extreme, plus, casts a woman in the role of a cutthroat executive, something my mom reported she first began to see in the workplace in the 1980s.It says something that, while few remember this movie nowadays, many still remember the tagline from the protagonist's first major act of on-the-job defiance: "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!" If this movie wasn't when the idealism of the '60s finally breathed its last and yielded the floor to a deep and distressed cynicism, it sure was a touchstone. This movie was to today's hyper-commercial, bottom-line-driven media what "A Clockwork Orange" was to violence: it laid them bare, even exaggerated them to a cartoonish degree—remarkable because in 1976, today's hyper-commercial, bottom-line-driven media corporations didn't really exist yet. But this movie read the tea leaves and saw what was coming.Along the way it looks, courtesy some of the best-written dialogue in all of cinema by an uncredited Paddy Chayefsky, at the effects on the souls of the people ushering those changes along, represented by the May-December relationship between William Holden and Faye Dunaway's characters, presented respectively as members of the old guard and the ruthless new breed of television executives whose allegiance is to a heartless corporatism more concerned with ratings than with love, then with human life. Pretty strong stuff for 1976, and still strong today.Also deserving of mention is the stunning cameo by Ned Beatty as the network head who may be manipulating the protagonist's deteriorating mental state, or may actually believe what he's saying, as he closes the curtains to rant in a darkened boardroom with the fervor of religious fundamentalist, calling nations and ideologies obsolete, describing globalized commerce as a fundamental force of nature governing man's existence "since he crawled out of the much", and outright comparing business to God, with—and remember, he's shouting this at a deranged news anchor—television as its prophet. Again: 1976. Incredible.For a guy like me, with an appreciation for both social commentary and absurdism, a healthy dash of cynical humor, a strong love of a story that moves along on well-written dialogue, and a (in the aesthetic sense) Decadent's fascination with how things fall apart, it would be tough to imagine a movie more tailor-made for my enjoyment.My brother-in-law, generally a right-on guy but perhaps at 3 or 4 years younger just on the other side of a generational divide I'm at the very tail end of coming before*, told me he just couldn't get into this movie, because the entire style of it seemed very dated to him. I've rarely been so disappointed.(*My adolescence came at an unusual time culturally—to use that as the most obvious marker for the cultural shift of the early '80s, I think there's a big formative difference between having been in 9th grade when MTV came out, and having been in 5th or 6th grade at that time. But that's a topic for a whole other section of this website.)The Nexus (12 words) Basically, Kentucky Fried Movie, but with horror shorts instead of humor shorts.The Night Clerk (62 words) Surprisingly not terrible thriller about a gorgeous autistic kid who secretly films gorgeous guests in the hotel he works at in order to learn to mimic ordinary social cues, when he witnesses a murder. Better, and better-done, than that setup suggested to me, although somehow the entire cast looks like they've had botched plastic surgery, which bothered me from start to finish. The Night House (149 words) Talk about a disappointment. For about 85% of its running length, this jump-out-and-say-boo ghost story about a young widow mourning her husband's recent suicide in the lake house he built manages to stay better than average by mostly avoiding familiar tropes and plot twists and slowly ratcheting up the weirdness with a minimum of special effects or exposition, or even ever tipping its hand as to whether the haunting is actually happening. Then, in the very final scenes, whatever forces often conspire to take middling horror pictures and ruin them by jettisoning sense and writing in favor of overly familiar tropes, sentimentality, and special effects packs as much of all that into the last few scenes as they normally do into a whole movie, and completely undo everything that was good about it up to that point before concluding with an ending that neither satisfies nor even makes much sense. Nightmare City 2035 💩 (97 words) Activists try to defeat government-implanted chips that prevent the citizens from seeing that their gorgeous futuristic city is actually a slum. What a funny movie. A 2017 sci-fi B movie that looks for all the world like it's from about 1980 at the latest. Hammy acting, lots of practical and optical effects, sets that look big-budget and actors that look for all the world like Hollywood actors but aren't anybody you've ever heard of. Absolutely crap, derivative, but a little charming in that late-70s-bad-scifi way, and amusing that someone made something like this 10 years into the post-Matrix era.Night To Day 🗑 (58 words) Some BS about a woman from a monster dimension who crosses over and wants to be human, or something. This movie had some of the worst acting I've ever seen. Seriously, the production values aren't even that bad, but I've never seen so many people who just didn't seem to know how to act. Unwatchable, turned it off. Nightworld (65 words) Improbably hunky ex-cop guards a building in Bulgaria with a mysterious room in the basement he's not supposed to enter, while he's not hooking up with an improbably gorgeous barista from across the street who's 1/3 his age. Robert Englund chews the scenery as blind old guy who knows what's going on, but still manages to drop the keys in the dark at a critical moment. Nobody 👍 (36 words) A middling action picture elevated to high entertainment by the sheer genius of casting Bob Odenkirk and Christopher Lloyd as tough-as-nails action heroes, and, the unlikely fact that they actually pull it off. I liked it.Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Tonight (22 words) Overdubbed polish film with only its slightly odd, foreign tone and charming cast to set it apart from the usual psycho-picks-off-campers-in-the-woods flick.No Escape (105 words) Intolerable YouTube star goes to participate in an Escape Room in Russia. I enjoyed this movie way more than I had any reason to. It had so many of the hallmarks of a terrible movie: overgorgeous cast of hipsters, obsession with social media including perspective of livestream with chat comments and "likes" scrolling by, entirely predictable "twists and turns" obvious derivatives of past movies ("The Game" and pick-your-Eli-Roth-movie.) And yet, it was a way more enjoyable view than it had any right to be. I dunno, the director just knows how to build suspense or something. I actually found it entertaining despite all those flaws. No One Will Save You (164 words) Ok, I can't say this is a great movie, but it scores pretty high for originality. In a kind of "Home Alone" meets "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers", a girl living in an isolated house single-handedly fights an alien invasion that has taken over her town. More clever than awesome, and arguably just plain silly at times, it's nonetheless supported by very decent cinematography, a script that adds just enough original elements to keep it from becoming either a stale home-invasion movie or a stale fighting-space-aliens movie, and most notably, only 3 words of dialogue in the movie's over-90-minute runtime. Reading up afterwards, apparently it created quite a critical stir, and that makes sense. Even though it's got more style than substance, that style does stand out as something kind of different than I've seen before. Apparently it's the same guy who wrote and directed "The Babysitter", one I wasn't as crazy about, IIRC it leaned a little to heavy on just being silly.Nothing Really Happens (88 words) This unbearably self-consciously "quirky" movie about a nondescript mattress salesman seems to lie somewhere on the line between "Napoleon Dynamite" and "Slackers". It desperately wants to be a "cult favorite". "Quirky" characters speak in non-sequiturs, give overwrought philosophical answers to questions like "how does your day look?", and name-drop obscure celebrities in conversations that go absolutely nowhere. And that's just the first 20 minutes, because after that I assumed the title was honest and gave the rest of the movie a miss. I bet it was filmed in Austin.Nova (113 words) An android aboard a spaceship is upgraded and begins to have feelings. Funny, this is about as amateur and low-budget as it gets, with an odd assortment of clearly amateur actors, but, while I usually hate that sort of thing, the level of commitment on the part of everyone involved makes it kind of entertaining. Like, if this was presented as a fan film, and judged by that standard, it would be pretty good for a fan-made film. Which is, uh, something, I guess. I ultimately kinda liked it, which is a surprise. But be aware of what you're getting into. Prepare mentally to watch a cheapo fan-made home-movie, and you'll do fine.Nowhere Land (77 words) This is a weird movie. It's about father searching for his daughter, who got sucked into a cursed children's show, or something. Weird enough to be a little memorable, if not exactly good. The children's show scenes are suitably creepy for sure. Reminded me of "Dave Made A Maze" in how it just assumes this demented world and expects you to just suspend disbelief, if not quite as successfully as "Dave Made A Maze" pulled it off. The Number 23 (63 words) Adequate direction saves this overwrought, poorly-thought out, nonsensical attempt at a thriller from being a complete crapfest. Instead it's just mostly a crapfest. Jim Carrey is actually alright at keeping a (mostly) straight face but the movie still seems to somehow have a touch of his usual mania in the way it tries to contort and surprise but instead just ends up confusing.Nyctophobia (96 words) another dreadful first-person shooter that looks like someone had a spare weekend so they decided to make a movie on their iphone with their friends. Nothing happens for 25 minutes, and then all the lights go out, and it's like an hour and a half of people running around a darkened house shouting at each other. That's it. Monsters are heard outside and never seen. Nonstop nauseatingly shaky cellphone-shot video never sits still long enough to see what's going on. Seems like they made it up as they went along. What Hath The Blair Witch Project Wrought? O (18 reviews)The Occupant 🗑 (60 words) Another zero-budget apparent home movie someone made with their friends. Estranged children come home to inherit their deceased mother's house, some lady says the mother wanted to give the house to her, everybody emotes, meanwhile somehow it's interspersed with scenes of a cheesy dramatization of the same thing. I honestly wasn't interested enough to figure out what was going on. Off-Season (82 words) What a weird movie. A pretty run-of-the-mill bad horror movie that aims far higher than it reaches, about a gorgeous young woman returning to her mother's island home after receiving a call that her mother's grave has been vandalized shortly before the close of the season, only to be stalked and trapped by some kind of supernatural claptrap. However, it looks like it was shot by Jonathan Demme, which elevates it somehow to almost Giallo-like atmospherics. If only the story made sense. Old (124 words) Talk about a pleasant surprise. After all this time M Night Shaymalan actually kinda pulls one off again... he seemed like a guy who thought of a good twist ending or two when he was young, then spent the entire rest of his career trying to reproduce that success, mostly without coming close. This one comes close. Not great, but certainly not bad given his many failures, better than your average crap horror movie for sure. I enjoyed it. Vacationers in tropical paradise suddenly start aging at an incredible rate. A couple of neat twists and turns worthy of any horror movie, and among his better endings. Also, unlike, say "The Sixth Sense", doesn't telegraph its punches, which is a nice change for him. The Old Ones 🤔 💩 (441 words) Ok, this is truly weird. A sea captain, rescued after 100 years of being possessed by "the Old Ones", encounters magicians and monsters trying to get back to his own time, who he mostly seems to find junkyards and abandoned industrial sites around town. This is zero-budget, sub-"Creature From The Black Lagoon" rubber-mask monsters, to tell a story with as much ambition, weirdness and imagination as a Clive Barker film.Terribly miscast macho he-men who look like extras from a "Dirty Harry" police station scene (the actor playing the captain has almost 300 IMDB credits to his name, including "Donnie Brasco" and "Fast and Furious") run around spouting scenery-chewing Lovecraftian dialogue at each other, like"I have to go. Things are hunting me. Hideous things that dissolve and devour..." or "My pets. You see them? The creatures that fill what men call the pure air and the blue sky", as cheesy, obviously papier-mache bugs and creatures float and skitter around.Meanwhile, out-of-place humor pops up periodically, like bringing a magician the heart of a demon in a styrofoam takeout container, and when they tell him, "We have brought you a tribute", he says, "What, leftovers?", before opening up a demonic portal in his torso, a giant, hideous gaping maw full of very obviously fake rubber and foam fangs*; or, at another point, a female waitress character for some reason is played, completely straight and with no explanation or anything to suggest it's meant to be humorous, by a hipster-looking male actor with a goatee and mustache.This seems like a movie made by a very imaginative person who hadn't seen a movie since they were a young child and had only vague memories of what movies are supposed to be like, and a special effects budget limited to whatever they could spend in an hour at the craft store. I generally don't get into "so bad it's good", but this is so over-the-top, and they try so hard, despite having no budget and no talent, I can't help but be entertained by the effort.I might even give this an "honorable mention"... which, in this case, should not be confused with saying it's in any way good. Rather, it's so pyrotechnically, impressively bad, so ambitious without having anything even remotely resembling talent involved anywhere in the production, that I have definitely never seen quite anything like it. I can say that much for sure.(*C'mon. How cool is this, just for being so unrepentantly awful: I am really, seriously not a fan of "so bad it's good" movies, but really just so far beyond the pale the ordinary rules just don't apply.)Ominous (15 words) family goes to their house in the woods, and some fucking nonsense or other happens.The One I Love (123 words) Give it points for originality... the Duplass brothers have managed to put out another unique film. A couple heads to a rural estate for what seems like it's going to be an excruciating (for the viewer) weekend of relationship dynamics, until they discover that, each time one of them enters the backyard guesthouse, they find it occupied by an idealized doppelganger of the other, and things continue to get pleasantly weird from there. Some unfortunate fridge logic and a few predictable turns and narrative lapses don't ruin it from being somewhat entertaining, and it certainly goes a few new places. I've got a thing for clone stories, having dated a few myslf, which probably helped give this one a leg up for me.One Remains (73 words) Film crew goes out to the woods to interview a ranger who discovered the bodies of a bunch of missing hikers. And hour goes by with nothing but one gratuitous hawt lesbian sex scene, and then, they find a video tape that shows them killing each other or dying in various ways, and then they do. The end. Pointless. When generative AI starts writing horror movies, it will write movies like this. Avoid. The Open House (58 words) Paint-by-numbers suspense thriller. Mother and son movie to the mountains. There's someone in the house with them! And, that's all there is to this movie. They don't even ever tell you who the killer is. This is like one of those terrible French "thrillers" where people being terrorized is supposed to be enough to be considered a plot.Open Water 🧡 (88 words) I will always love this movie. Most people hate it. Almost no plot: Annoying yuppie couple get accidentally left behind out on the open ocean while on a scuba diving excursion, float in shark-infested waters for a few days. And that's it. That's all that happens. In my opinion, expertly made—it's about mood, not story, and the cinematography and amazing soundtrack, a compilation of indigenous folk music from cultures around the world, carry it for me. Most people probably think it's boring. I will always re-watch it.Otherlife (53 words) almost a Cronenberg film. Not bad for a fairly predictable, piece of shit sci-fi thriller. A "bioprogram" drug that causes you to experience years of virtual reality life goes haywire when the inventor agrees to spent 1 yr in a virtual solitary prison cell for the accidental death of a friend who used it. The Other Sheep (38 words) beautifully-shot move about women living in the wilderness as "wives" and "daughters" of a cult leader. Slow-moving. Didn't really follow it. Gorgeous cinematography, though, and spectacular natural locations. Can't imagine where this was shot. Alaska? (Turns out, Ireland.)Otis (71 words) Good luck finding this movie, but it's well worth seeking out. Another one I can't understand why isn't considered a cult classic. Abducted girl and family vs serial killer who hasn't got things quite as under control as he thinks... I can say no more. Twisted, hilarious, gory, and uniquely bizarre. Stars Illyanna Douglas, Daniel Stern, and Kevin Pollak, which should give you a general idea of the caliber. Love it.Ouija Clown (63 words) literally a horror movie written, and I assume mostly improvised in an evening, by an 11 year old girl. I assume this is a home movie that somehow got posted on Tubi. It even sounds like it was recorded on a phone, with a lot of the speech unintelligible. After about 15 minutes of watching them put on makeup and preen I turned it off.Our Man In LA (84 words) Kind of an interesting low-key sci-fi-adjacent thriller. A man who specializes in salvaging crashed UFO parts and selling them gets caught up in intrigue when a shadowy corporation wants one of his parts. Interesting because I noticed halfway through that he's the only actor in it... every single other character is heard over the phone, radios, even in virtual reality. It sounds silly but the actor is gritty enough to pull it off. I can't quite recommend it, but I kind of liked it. Outer Darkness (31 words) The seemingly ubiquitous-on-Tubi Cynna Rae Shurts plays a space supply ship captain slowly going stir crazy and losing her grip on reality. Mediocre sci-fi thriller with a cast of like 3 people.Out Of The Dark (30 words) Julia Stiles and husband move to South America and encounter some sort of ancient supernatural tradition claptrap surrounding their young daughter. Paced like a political thriller. Political thrillers aren't scary.Outpost 11 (51 words) A sci-fi alternate history tale about three men stationed in an Arctic outpost during a steampunk version of WWII that gas stretched into the mid-1950s. An enemy mind-control weapon drives them all mad, and has the deadly side effect of turning a really interesting concept into a really dull movie.Overtime (64 words) This post-Tarantino crime drama-to-zombie alien horror flick-to-crime drama is as amateurish and crappy as it gets, total grade-Z, but miraculously is saved by the raw charisma of pretty much *everybody* in it. It's like they got the most charismatic Z-grade actors in the entire country all together for one shitty film. Surprised Linnea Quigley isn’t in it, if that gives you any idea. P (26 reviews)Paralysis (68 words) A derivative James Wan-style supernatural/otherworldly-entity-in-a-house thriller made by someone much less talented than James Wan. A woman who suffers from sleep paralysis has her brother move in following abuse from their father. But then halfway through she calls psychic and says she's been seeing her dead brother. Then she hangs out with him again. Then the psychic shows up and clichéd sub-James-Wan antics ensue. Blech. Nope. Paranormal Activity 4 (23 words) Family that films every moment of their lives in POV for no apparent reason, when "scary" things start happening for no apparent reason. Parts per Billion (45 words) As the last of humanity dies out due to a biowarfare contagion gone wrong, three couples in various stages of life hash out their relationships. Which is great, because, you know, nothing is more interesting than spending two hours watching couples hashing out their relationships.People Of Earth (series) (37 words) Seriously funny, geeky series about an alien abduction support group in Beacon, NY disappointingly ends after 2 seasons in a cliffhanger but is nonetheless well worth watching if you're into geeky sci-fi humor. Should be a cult favorite.Perfect Skin (377 words) Hoooooooooooooooo. A european woman traveling in—not sure, Scotland?—is taken prisoner, tattooed, and subjected to extreme body modification in this captivity flick. Which, for the first half, is every bit as dull as it sounds, because: captivity, torture porn, not interesting.But, you know what? This is a pretty well-made movie. The characters are paper-thin but the acting and casting are above average and that slides the shallowness of it by better than usual. It takes its time getting where it's going, but over the second half, ratchets up the dramatic tension.Basically the whole thing is played like an extremely, EXTREMELY and somewhat gory dark suspense pic or crime thriller, not a horror movie. There are certainly no scares here, and it's more about the cops circling in on him than torture-as-entertainment, as these films usually are.Plus, as I said, it's notably well-made for this sort of movie. If captivity flicks weren't an extremely exhausted and cheap genre, and this was the first one I'd ever seen, I'd probably have liked this. I bet some people think this is great.I definitely cannot recommend it. It's still a captivity flick, more lurid than anything else. It definitely wouldn't exist without Silence Of The Lambs's "I've got a woman in my basement who I'm doing horrible things to" trope and Saw's "let's make this captivity as gratuitously twisted as possible" vibe to pave the way.But. it's definitely better than most of the movies that a lot of what could be said about it could be said about. Which is kind of like saying a particular poke in the eye is better than most pokes in the eyes. But, sometimes, maybe you admire the skill with which someone poked you in the eye, maybe? Like, you didn't like it, but, you have to admit they're really, really practiced and graceful at poking people in the eye?I dunno. I would say to anyone, don't watch it. But, if you do want to watch seriously violent, gory, gratuitously twisted crap, this is way better than most of that crap, I guess? I'd probably mark this as having something a little special about it, even, but I wouldn't want to seem like I might be recommending it.Piercing (72 words) All style, zero substance. Apparently based on a novel, but I don't see more than a very short story's worth of plot here. A psychopath hires a prostitute played by Mia Wasikowska to his hotel room with the intent of killing her, but it turns out she's crazier than he is. S&M hijinks ensue, she gets him tied up, and that's it. That's the movie. It looks great, though, excellent production. Plague (24 words) Australian woman survives intrigue and lust on abandoned farm in post-zombie-apocalyptic drama with even fewer zombies than Here Alone. Drama, not a horror film.Pledge (43 words) Surprisingly not bad for what it is. Nerdy guys are invited to pledge a frat, the hazing turns into captivity/torture porn. But, on the best end of that. I actually sort of enjoyed it, a real feat for this kind of movie. Pod (51 words) A brother and sister go to check up on their increasingly unhinged army vet brother, living up at their lakehouse, to find him having sealed himself inside, acting irrational and claiming he has a killed "pod" trapped in the basement. Increasing creepiness is negated by a sort of insensible final act. Poltergeist (257 words) I watched this for the first time in years recently. It's funny how well this movie aged. Steven Spielberg often strikes me as the film equivalent of music producer Trevor Horn: things he makes are often marked by a certain glossy artificiality and obvious studiocraft, dusted down with stardust and childlike wonder, engrossing but as inauthentic and unconvincing, in their way, as Mr. Rogers's studio set. There's always a sense of effort, usually at "spectacle" (in scare quotes, just like that) and in Spielberg's case, usually some cloying emotional content, which there are traces of here although it's manageable.So it's always been funny to me to call this a "horror" movie, which almost requires grit rather than gloss and authenticity to generate scares. But, Tobe Hooper directed, and if nothing else just about anything Tobe Hooper touches is going to have a few brilliantly scary scenes. I will say the visual effects that (mostly) seemed so dazzling at the time look much cheaper and faker today than I remember them being. It's a movie about the supernatural, but it's more a family drama/action movie of sorts (Spielberg, go figure) than a horror movie.Actually, watching it again after so long, it struck me, it's a pretty unique movie. It owes debts to movies that came before but really resynthesizes things in a manner that was novel for the time, and probably still is today. It was worth the rewatch, but probably not another one soon. Still, it hasn't totally aged out, and deserves its rep.The Poltergeist of Borley Forest (35 words) you know, for a poorly acted, no budget, poorly written, completely amateurish zero budget effort, this winds up being a halfway decent ghost story. The leads are charming and give it their all, as well.Pontypool 🧡 (75 words) Kind of a personal favorite, despite how much of a stretch it is at points. Another one of those small, unique, strangely good films Canadians seem so good at. DJs stuck inside a radio station as society goes insane en masse outside. Some novel ideas, but does require a bit of suspension of belief at points — but in this case it's forgivable. I've heard a few other people say they particularly like this one, too. The Possessed (44 words) Goofy, extremely unintentionally campy Australian film about an affable middle-aged amateur exorcist, going around doing exorcisms. Lots of good rubber demon costumes and Buffy-style production values but they play it completely straight. I dunno, somehow the Australian accents let them get away with this.The Possession Of Michael King (92 words) another very-slightly-better-than-average first person shooter. Widower bent on proving the supernatural doesn't exist invites in a demon to show that it doesn't work. Spoiler: turns out to be a mistake. Pretty intense performance by the lead actor showing his gradual decline into violent lunacy, but would have been better without the conceit. Don't we have enough of these movies already? The trick just isn't that good, especially by the time you realize a demon probably wouldn't have had such sustained interest in continuing to film himself, and from multiple angles, no less.Possessor (160 words) Assassin takes over other people's bodies to kill her targets. Another small-but-satisfying Canadian sci fi thriller, well-cast with a bunch of no-name actors. Called this one as Cronenberg-related without knowing I was right, although I wasn't sure, because this was a little better than Cronenberg Jr's last film. Still self-consciously strange, strangely retro, and with some brief unexpectedly gory scenes this time, but definitely showing some maturity and self-assurance that was missing last time. I liked it, and had one of those rare endings that I actually liked better after I thought about it for a minute... it wasn't a good enough film that a bad ending wouldn't have ruined the whole thing, but it was a good enough film that a good ending redeemed the whole thing. If Cronenberg Jr's next film is as much better than this as this was than his last, he'll be well on his way to being a notable director in his own right.Preservation (54 words) Three douchebags sneak into a closed state park to go hunting, where they are terrorized and hunted down by what turns out to be a couple of suburban kids who are in a closed state park terrorizing and hunting down people because, without them doing that, there wouldn't be any movie, now, would there. Prey (29 words) fairly mediocre woods pursuit pic. Bachelor party on a comping trip in the woods when someone starts shooting at them. They run. The shooter keeps shooting. For another 90 minutes. The Prodigy (35 words) Taylor Schilling's kid speaks Hungarian in his sleep. He's possessed by the soul of a psychopathic murderer out to claim the final victim who got away. That is all. Taylor Schilling makes it ok, actually. Project Gemini (26 words) An attempt to move a life-giving alien orb to another planet goes awry. Mostly basically "Alien" but with tougher tough guys, cooler guns, and worse acting.Project Legion (394 words) WTF is this? It was billed as a horror movie, and 13 minutes into it, we've had he-men with huge biceps and crewcuts running around shooting guns, getting into a barfight, drinking shots of whiskey, and having a sex scene with a woman who looks like a bleached, hyperinflated, airbrushed playboy centerfold, and some of the all-around worst USA-Up-All-Night-quality acting I've ever seen. In the first 13 minutes. I give this flick about 2 more minutes and then I'm done. (Ok, right after typing that some sort of apocalyptic alarms started going off and a monster appeared outside his door and now he's freaking out. Ok, I'll give it a little while.)Ok, very shortly I'm glad I stayed with it. Thi smight be one of those rare "so bad it's good" movies that really is so bad it's good. He spends the rest of the time trapped in his apartment while outside his neighbors turn into creatures, who you can tell are evil because they crabwalk instead of walking upright and talk through an octave divider, and does a very hammy job of trying to act like he's losing his mind. This thing has about half the depth of a video game. I wonder sometimes if lighting design must be easy, because a lot of these crappy movies have noticeably competent lighting, lots of good use of shadow. Also I can't figure out if we're supposed to notice that the paintings on his walls keep turning slanted or even 90 degrees sideways from how they were, or if it was just an accident. At one point he's wearing a sombrero for no clear reason, and attempts to board up his windows with duct tape. Plus, there's awesome violations of the 180 degree rule, as the door to his apartment is always to the left, but the creatures out in the hall banging on it (in between stopping to writhe and crabwalk around for no stated reason) are banging on a door on the left side of the hall. It took me about 7 times to figure out why it was so confusing. Also, I wonder how many apartment building hallways actually have huge, blade-runneresque an slow-turning exhaust fan leading to the outdoors, with a golden shaft of afternoon light shining cinematically through it. Must be a Los Angeles thing. Bonus: the dumbest, most cliche'd ending of any movie ever. Promising Young Woman (343 words) I have never seen a movie pull such a successful turnaround over its runtime as this one. I found it in with FreeVee's horror movies, but noticed the names of a bunch of comedy actors in the credits (including Max Greenberg as the douchebag he's only hinted at in every other role he's ever played.) It starts seeming like a somewhere trite revenge fantasy—woman goes out, acts drunk, gets guys to take her home and try to take advantage of her, and then confronts them and does something to them that's never actually revealed. And, it was well done enough to be enjoyable on that level, even if it seemed a little on-the-nose and unimaginative. I figured , with all the comedy actors, I was in for satire on the level of "Teeth", perhaps. Then it progresses to reveal the crime she is avenging, and she moves from general douchebags to targeting the people from her past who were specifically involved in the crime. Also shows characters with some depth, not everything is black and white... such as the parents of the friend she's avenging (without their knowledge) asking her to move on from the loss, which she's clearly unhealthily holding on t, noticed even by the other people in the film who care about her. The tension ratchets, and by the end, not only are there some profoundly disturbing scenes (which is saying a lot considering how many horror movies I've seen) but I genuinely didn't know what was going to happen next, until it finally built to a very satisfying final act that I didn't see coming.It's a tough call if I can recommend it as a watch, as a very good chunk of the movie is no better than ok, it takes a long time to build and I'm not sure the denouement is quite worth all that. But I will say it opened by setting expectations very low, and only turned up the heat extremely slowly, but by the end totally had me, I was kinda blown away.The Prototype (15 words) Basically, "Threat Level Midnight", with 10% time-travel content added to the end. Cool silver shirts, though.Proxy (185 words) Give these guys an 'A' for effort in this messy tale centering on two independently sick gorgeous women who meet through a support group for grieving parents. A strong director and good acting fail to save yet another "crime drama" that seems to present sickness, in and of itself, as entertainment, relying primarily on "plot twists" rather than "plot", including lead characters suddenly changing personality in what I assume is supposed to be a shocking "reveal" but instead just seems overly contrived. This one deserves credit for making the opposite mistake of most films like it: it spares the violence, and takes over 2 hours to tell a fairly thin wisp of a story, trying to draw it out as a drama rather than relying on shock as most movies of this sort do. And scene-by-scene, it's far better made than many films like it. It doesn't drag that much. But motivations are thin-to-nonexistent, questions aren't answered, and there isn't a single truly relatable character, either before or after apparently sane characters suddenly turn out to be murderously insane with no foreshadowing or logical reason whatsoever. The Purge (8 words) Anarchy: "Escape From New York" with less charisma.The Purge: Anarchy (7 words) "Escape From New York" with less charisma.Pyewacket 👍 (57 words) Another successful zero-budget Canadian horror outing of the kind that should, by all rights, have sucked, except that Canadians seems somehow good at making these little horror movies pretty effective. A disaffected teen living out in the woods with her mom summons a demon, chaos ensues. Decent acting from no-name cast. I liked it. Will watch again. Q (2 reviews)Quadrant (38 words) I think this might be a TV show. Seems like it was filmed on video. A girl does VR experiements where she seduces and kills women, then does it in real life. I turned it off halfway though.Queen Of The Damned (5 words) "The Lost Boys" was better. R (44 reviews)Radium Girls (30 words) Hallmark Movie Of The Week-quality telling of radium workers suing for workers' rights. A great story reduced to nothing. The '40s fashions are the only good thing about it. Ragmork (46 words) incomprehensible, ponderous, thoroughly amateurish mishmash filmed in black and white. Note to amateur film makers: if you're tempted to make an "artsy" film, find something else to do with your time. Only David Lynch has ever pulled that off as an amateur, and you're not him.The Rain (22 words) Swedish TV series, with English overdubs. The Walking Dead, but with a rain that kills you instead of zombies. Pretty good, actually. Rainbow Time (84 words) Another Duplass Brothers production of a passabloy watchable indie film that occasoinally veers into major creeponess and discomfort, imagine that. Family and brother's girlfriend deal with developmentally disabled man with a fixation on Fonzie, action movies, and female bodies, and an a little too much of a willingness to cross boundaries. Does an intresting job of occasoinally showing a realistic warts-and-all view of the ccomplexities of relaitonships, although not consistently and just as often comes across a little pat. But, still, watchable, I suppose. The Ramekin (57 words) Simply put, the worst movie ever made, and not in that spectacular way that might be worth seeing just for the awfulness. Psycho girl played by an actress who appears never to have acted before or during filming is terrorized by a ramekin (a kind of pastry cup). Seemed like somebody's high school project. Maybe middle school. Ratchet [series] (26 words) Well, I guess if they had called it "American Horror Story season 10: Ratchet" nobody would have watched it, because they would have known to expect this.Rattlesnake (99 words) TV-movie-quality throwaway flick about a woman whose daughter gets bit by a rattlesnake out in the desert, and is helped by a strange old woman in a nearby trailer which vanishes afterwards. Later, mysterious strangers tell her she must take a soul for the one that has been saved, otherwise the kid's fatal injury will revert, and she must do it before sunset, because, movie, obviously. Eventually she kills someone and her kid is safe. Who was that old woman? What strange power is behind this ordeal? It doesn't matter, and it'd better not, because we never find out. The Razing (98 words) A bunch of intense people sit around in very dimly-lit rooms and have muffled conversations in front of a wide-angle lens that never stops moving. This movie is dark, as in, the most poorly lit—or poorly un-lit—movie I can recall seeing. One of the actors could have walked into the room while I was watching it, and I wouldn't have recognized them, because you can't see their faces. Amusingly, on IMDB, a bunch of the actors' profile photos are also too dark to see their faces, because, this is the only movie they've ever been in.Ready Or Not 🤔 (275 words) This one was a pleasant surprise. A truly stupid setup: a strange wealthy family forces a bride-to-be, about to marry one of their sons, to play a game of hide-and-seek before the wedding, during which they try to kill her, because of some claptrap where a family curse says they have to. Ok, pretty stupid setup.Well: turns out, if you ca