Absolutely execrable zero-budget home movie ripoff of "Squid Games". A YouTuber decides he wants to give away his channel, so, he has a competition where people play childrens games to win it, and the losers are all shot, because, movie. If we're lucky, nobody involved with this so-called "film" will work in movies again.
I knew going into this it was going to be bad—as if a horror movie about someone putting razor blades in a waterslide at an amusement park could be anything but—but I was fully unprepared for how bad. For the first 50 minutes of this movie, teenagers at a waterpark bicker and argue and pick on each other. Then, an unknown person puts what are apparently the world's sharpest blades in an 'X' halfway down one of the slides with nobody noticing, and we get 20 minutes of so-bad-its-hilarious scenes of people being cut neatly into pie slices as they slide down the slide, and the crowd panicking at the disproportionately immense amount of gore this causes to come rushing out of the bottom. Oh, and, one guy, covered in blood, climbing all the way to the top to tell people to stop going down—because apparently the sound of dozens…
Eric Roberts leads the cast of this Felissa Rose-produced outing, which should be enough to tell you everything. A family of cannibals traps door-to-door salesmen in their basements, harvests their organs for sale, and eats whatever's left over.
Self-consciously bad and relentlessly campy, almost like if John Waters directed a "horror comedy" gore flick. Picture "Serial Mom" with more gore and much worse acting. At least it's trying to be a horror comedy, though, and not just a bad horror movie they're calling a "horror comedy" because they're embarrassed at what a bad horror movie it is. That actually makes it, well, slightly inoffensive, at least to my skewed sensibilities. (Yes: a movie about cannibals imprisoning people to harvest their organs in a basement lab is one thing; but make a bad horror movie and try to pass it off as a comedy out of embarrassment, and I am outraged!)
It's a tale as old as time: a rural family is being ordered off their land by the government and aren't taking kindly to it, and they're all pale mutants due to the water being poisoned or something, and one of them always wears a creepy smiley face mask, and they kill every random group of twentysomething who camps anywhere in the woods nearby.
Practically ripped from the headlines!
Stars Lin Shaye as the mariarch of the murderous, pale, mask-wearing clan, who does really well when this movie makes the mistake so many like it do and in the third act finally gets alright (for what it is, which is to say, something that would have been much better if it was from 1975 than 2019... something about sweet-looking little Lin Shaye cutting off a sheriff's fingers and hissing at him "That's not all I'm going to cut off"…
This southern gothic attempted tale of vampires in a small town is sub-USA-Up-All-Nite level amateur hogwash, the kind of thing you figure someone threw together with a home movie camera and a lot of ambition, and literally nothing else. Right down to the obvious papier-mache corpses and other didn't-even-have-the-budget-to-try totally unspecial effects. And of course nobody in this movie can act at all, all anyone does is stiffly recite lines... where do they find these people?
But, here's the thing, and I always like this: it just doesn't know when to stop. It's ambitious, and obviously the product of someone with a lot of passion. A lot of passion, and absolutely zero talent for filmmaking whatsoever, but a lot of passion. And it just goes on and on and on, long enough to kind of suck you into its weird world of stilted editing and stiffly-recited-from-a-cue-card lines. I ultimately…
This is insultingly bad. It's stupid and broad enough that it seems for all the world like a children's movie, with rubber costume demons, the thinnest possible plot, paper-thin overplayed characters, and basically an overall impression of having been put together by high school students—but it has explicit (if very cheap-looking) gore and heavy sexuality (if all heavy, panting lesbian frottage and not so much as a nipple), and a honest-to-god rape scene.
Girl gets bullied, and the devil, in the form of a woman in an evening gown who occasionally wears a rubber devil mask, decides she likes her, and kills them all in ways that are stupidly broad. Like, one of the popular girls picks on her in school, and a moment later, at her locker, is pushed by a rubber demon hand into a never-explained "Satan-y" place of some sort—which looks like a teenager with a…
Among the worst of the worst and apparently the glaring exception that proves the rule about Canadian horror movies.
Four friends go on a trip to a cabin where, for 80 minutes of its 100 minute runtime, they sit around and talk over each other or party with the townies with absolutely nothing of interest happening, or anything that even faintly resembles a plot. I would have thought this was literally just a video someone shot of a bunch of their friends hanging out for a weekend, except that the acting wasn't that good, and that, in the last 20 minutes, one guy starts to try to kill the others with a hammer for no reason that's ever explained, and they spend the end of the movie thwacking each other in the head with hammers and croquet mallets. I'm not exaggerating. Four friends talk for 80 minutes and then…
Cabin in the woods. Teenagers. Not particularly scary normal guy in clown makeup trying to talk in a gruff voice. The most perfunctory, paint-by-numbers pursuit/captivity flick ever.
Dreadful indie horror had potential but it's too much of an incoherent mess and worships too much at the altar of bad '80s "Sleepaway Camp"-caliber horror. A man returns to his old home in the remote Catskills to take care of his terminally ill mother, and apparently the mess that follows is him losing his mind or something.
A weird array of cameos for a crap picture: Edward Furlong, the mother is Shelley Duvall in her last role, plus bad-horror-movie avatars Felissa Rose and Dee Wallace, along with lots of the sort of, er, "acting" you see in movies you see the latter two in. Also a couple of weird scenes where the Latino leading man meets some actors very, very, VERY hamfistedly playing two-dimensional racist rednecks out in the woods, who do things like stomp his head while shoulding "RESPECT OUR FLAG!" for hearing him singing to himself in…
A bunch of people wandering in the woods have hallucinatory episodes surrounding a strange untalented actress they encounter out there. Seems like someone shot this on home video with a bunch of stiff, untalented local dinner theater actors or something and props they got at a Halloween store. You can tell someone involved really wanted to make a good movie but the production is unredeemably amateur. For the last time, people: obvious video effects are never scary.
This piece of video—I have a hard time calling it a movie—lowers the low-effort first person shooter "found footage" conceit to a lower depth than I've seen before, by not only discarding the "found" aspect that explains why we're even seeing the film, but discarding the "filmed" found-footage idea entirely.
This series of events—I have a hard time calling it a story—center around a man who has bought a "daruma", a Japanese good luck doll, and the entire movie is filmed, through an annoying fish-eye lens the entire time, from the doll's perspective. Diegetically, the doll doesn't contain a camera, nor is it possessed, nor alive in any way, but for some reason the entire movie is filmed from the doll's perspective. This results in a few annoying conceits, such as the doll always needing to be turned to face anything the filmmaker wants us to see, as well as…
Worst of the worst. This appears to be a porn movie, except, despite all the talk about boobs, and women walking around with hyperinflated boobs, and women squishing their boobs, and women taking off their shirts to show their boobs, and weird mentions of Playboy and Ron Jeremy inserted into conversations, and incredibly greasy and amateurish male actors, there's no sex.
Instead, it's an unbelievably cliched, zero-effort attempt at a slasher flick.
There's no acting or editing, either.
Like Charles Bukoswki made a horror movie. A bunch of punk rockers break into a warehouse or something to throw an underground rave. And have all kinds of sleazy sex with each other. And, weirdly, occasionally breakdance. And an unexplained guy in a welder's mask tortures and kills them all in ridiculously over-the-top ways, because, movie.
This movie is fuckin' TERRIBLE. But it doesn't try to be anything more than it is. It's not trying to be good. It's totally committed to being nothing but what it is: a terrible movie of nothing a bunch of sleazy people dancing, fucking, and being gruesomely killed for no apparent reason. Which, I kind of oddly admire... in concept.
"Hostel", but set in a sleazy sex club in China. And with more guns and gangsters. And a shitty rave soundtrack.
And somebody thought this was a good idea.
Lousy. Gorgeous couples move out to the country, decide to go ghost hunting at what's supposed to be a burned out prison but looks nothing like a prison, locals are in some sort of cult and chase them through it attack them, there's a ghostly demonic preacher who looks like Rob Zombie fading in and out, kids have crescent moon birthmarks that are never explained, the whole thing is just kind of a mess.
Tediously unoriginal and predictable captivity/pursuit flick: kids on a road trip, flat tire, remote farmhouse, psycho local family, you know the drill. Why would anybody bother to make this movie again? The production values and direction are decent, but who cares?
A bad actor from Los Angeles inherits an island in Washington, with the restriction that he must operate a horse riding camp on it. There he and the other bad actors who work there dodge an irrelevant subplot about developers conniving to sell the land, and discover a subterranean bunker infested with some sort of unseen zombie virus bullshit that causes any ostensible movie it's in to turn into a badly-lit version of the video game "Doom".
If I tell you five college students shelter from a hurricane in an abandoned junkyard and are hunted down by the most thinly-drawn villain in all of horror movie history in an incredibly slow-moving captivity flick, it would be true, but unfortunately, it makes this terribly-written mess of a movie sound much more interesting than it is.
Aside from spending an entire hour going absolutely nowhere, this schizophrenic film can't decide what it wants to be... it starts as a first-person shooter, becomes an ordinary horror movie, interspersed with a procedural as later media interviews about the crime are randomly cut in, then tries to morph into a neo-noir crime thriller of some sort, as late in the movie some sort of plot twist involving some sort of dark web media show or some fucking thing is suddenly introduced in a tedious expository scene of two new characters people…
Kids get lost in the Alaskan woods looking for a pot patch and run afoul of... a Native American psychopath? A Native American spirit? Unsure, but it's Native American, and in a way that's mildly racist, or at least orientalist... there's really nothing to the Native American element except in-scare-quotes-"exoticism".
Plus, plot holes galore. Things come and go, like a mute character that joins the movie for a few minutes, that are just never explained, people are apparently gravely injured multiple times yet keep on keeping on, and even the fate of some of the main characters isn't clear. The antagonist appears to be some sort of spirit originally, appearing to fade in and out, but later stops doing that and is apparently just a crazy guy (with a *lot* of bodies laying around his campsite.)
That's the bad. And all in all, make no mistake: I don't…
This movie starts with a man slumped at the front gate of a cabin. An older man stands in front of him, watching him impassively, as he pleads, "I didn't mean to break the rules." The older man calmly grabs his head, and, with one hand, pulls it off his shoulders.
So that's where we're at.
Sometimes you see a movie that is so low-budget, so obviously just someone had a camera and decided to try to throw a movie together, that somehow, improbably, it has enough heart to actually watch.
This movie is sub-bottom-of-the-barrel. According to the credits, it was written, directed, edited, and everything else by one guy. It stars like 4 people, has virtually no special effects, the acting is "local theater" quality at best, if these people are even actually actors.
The plot is, father and son go on a hunting retreat to a…
The lame, derivative captivity flick id Rob Zombie's debut feature, and the only things worse than a piece of garbage: a piece of garbage that tries to make up for being a piece of garbage by being highly stylized garbage. Needles video effects, split screens like it's a music video, etc. Plus "artsy" effects like weird interstitials of characters, some of whom otherwise aren't even in the movie, overacting and doing "scary" improv, preaching about the end of the world or talking about killing people for sport, all sorts of hammy horseshit designed to compensate for really not knowing how to make a movie. It's all style, no substance, and the style really isn't very good. Like, when the heroine finds the operating theater and discovers her boyfriend being lobotomized by a corpselike surgeon in an exoskeleton, a good director wouldn't really need to shift to solarized video to underscore…
Strictly sub-"USA Up All Nite"-quality garbage splatstick "horror comedy" garbage about an assortment of cardboard-cutout cliche characters stuck in a cabin while an amoeba from space infects people outside, turning them into zombies. Includes such low-lights as a zombie tearing a man's head evenly in two halves, or punching straight through a woman's head, leaving her staggering around with a giant hole that you can see all the way through where her face should be. Imagine a film that aspires to be Peter Jackson's worst early movies, and fails even at that. Avoid.
First-person shooter, "aliens chasing people" through the woods subgenera. (Woods where literally every single person who enters them is always filming, apparently.) Yawn.
An "Eating Raoul"-level intentionally bad, trashy, overbroad comedy in which a family gathering consisting entirely of a hodgepodge of overbroad, low-effort stereotypes eats a Thanksgiving turkey that was used in a Santeria ceremony, causing the devil to appear and, apparently, change everybody's personalities for no reason that's ever given. Actually it was so goofy that I found it very faintly entertaining, but nowhere near enough to recommend.
20 years after a family disappears, a masked slasher kills people at a rural camp. HOW do they come up with these ideas???
A cliched, bottom-of-the-barrel 1989 Italian sci-fi/action movie about some sort of menace killing scientists in the canals of Venice. Sub-USA-Up-All-Night quality. Garbage.
Bottom-of-the-barrel, by-the-numbers cliched possession story. Like "Paranormal Activity" with even worse acting and less filmmaking skill.
This low-budget "man in a rubber suit" creature feature is essentially "30 Days Of Night", except with a demon instead of vampires, and you never actually see the demon, and it's bad instead of good. However, they try so hard that I was a little entertained, a little.
A zero-budget feature in which a convict on the run falls into water full of mutant red tide and turns into the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
Absolutely execrable, bottom-of-the-barrel mess of a horror movie (shot on video, no less, so it looks like a bad TV show) about a couple that accidentally kills a jogger while driving drunk, buries him in the woods by their house where for never-explained reasons "things don't stay dead", and, simultaneously, are visited by a woman possessed by some sort of evil spirit. But, it's so over the top, somehow, I find it entertaining. The terrible actors really try their darnedest to commit, and somehow don't even seem embarrassed to be in this movie. I was mildly entertained by how something this bad even can exist.
Don't watch it. It's really awful.
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