Trash

This might be the most amateurish film I've ever seen. An utterly silly home-video-shot idea—I can't even call it a story, it's just an idea—about a realtor who suddenly gets transported without explanation to an empty house (in Amityville, natch) and keeps getting transported back inside it every time he tries to leave.

The remarkable thing about this is they don't seem to have even tried to find someone who could act. The man playing the realtor seems to have been instructed to wander around the house improvising his responses to the situation. He says aloud everything he would have thought, talk to nobody in particular, and emoting, while double-exposures of "creepy" things (tentacles, a man in a hood) occasionally appear in the frame for a second, without explanation, before disappearing again. Occasionally it cuts to people who can't even pretend to be newscasters trying to act like newscasters,…

This sequence of horror tropes—I can't really call it a movie—is odd in that it definitely is directed well. Individual scenes, if you saw them in isolation, seem creepy. But next to each other in a mishmash, it's just absurd. This is one of the worst-written movies I've ever seen.

The daughter of a young family of parents and kids who appear to be nearly the same age (named in the IMDB credits as "father", "mother", "daughter", and "son") gets an invite on her phone to a music festival that her same-age parents have forbidden her to go to. This invite carries some sort of inexplicable power to infect all the family's electronics, causing them to see an hear things that require a greater suspension of disbelief that I'm capable of: they see videos of each other on their phones doing things they never did, overhear each other having…

Straight-up USA Up All Nite fare, and not the best of that, although not the worst of that either, with the understanding that that's not saying much. A 1986 movie about American tourists in Spain when the local villages are taken over by aliens, with all the poor production value, acting and production quality you'd expect. That said, if the '80sness or USA-Up-All-Nite-y-ness of it are enough to ironically entertain you... well, like I said, it's not the absolute worst of that. Close, though.

This is one of those movies so bad I wrote this review before it was even halfway finished. It's kind of a foregone conclusion.

Wooden acting, over-obvious symbolism (the lead actress talks about a bee becoming the hive's new queen as "Cinderella" in the beginning; not five minutes later we see her getting mistreated by her stepmother and scrubbing bedsheets in the house while wearing a Queen t-shirt), and improbable, logic-defying behavior star in this weirdly tough-to-follow story about a bullied high school outcast and beekeeping hobbyist who is picked for an unlikely friendship by an improbable substitute teacher who seems to leap from protecting her from bullies to taking her out for dinner to inviting her along to egg houses to having her move in with her improbable family at her remote farm in the space of about 2 days.

Strangely, the cinematography is competent and looks like…

Amateur hour, starring people who just can't even act. A bunch of vapid LA kids have a party and a weird girl shows up and tells them she's going to have to take their souls to "the other side" unless they find people to take their places, because, movie.

Awful anthology film. Seems like some people sat around thinking of "scary" vingettes, mostly with no explanation, and filmed them as shorts—for example, a woman gets a mysterious rash, and then gets the idea to attack her boyfriend and it goes away when she drinks his blood, and then you see her walk out and she's fine, and that's it, that's the whole story. Or, a guy misses his dead wife, and has let his apartment fill with trash, and then the trash bags get up and talk to him and it's her ghost, and that's it, that's the whole story. It's loosely framed by a poorly-explained story in which a woman is hopping between universes trying to find one where her dead sister is alive, and apparently her hopping is causing the scary stuff, because movie.

Absolutely execrable, home-movie-quality effort at a woman who is stalked by demon that looks like a man in a cheap rubber mask, which she once made a deal with and then ran from (maybe she thought he couldn't see out of the mask.) Mostly she lives at home with her daughter and they recite lines at each other. Less than nothing to see here, if that's possible.

Perhaps the most derivative slasher/psycho film I've ever seen. So derivative of Psycho that the bad guy is named "Norman". And the similarities only begin there.

The one slightly memorable thing about this is villain Toby Wynn-Davies doing a remarkable Burgess Meredith impersonation. So if you've ever wanted to see Norman Bates played by an overacting Burgess Meredith in a much worse version of Psycho, this might be the movie for you. Otherwise, skip it.

Terrible movie. Just terrible. A family goes away to a cabin for the weekend and a mysterious stranger shows up, and an oddly threatening, leering yokel helps them when their car breaks down and never actually turns out to be threatening, just weird. Wannabe tv-movie level acting, which is just sad. Horrible editing and direction, everybody overacts, the editor left in too-long pauses before everybody delivered overacted dialogue, and the script presents the most unrealistic, random depiction of family strife I've ever seen, with everybody's mood and personality apparently changing from minute to minute or even line to line. Finally at the very end, in the last minute, it's revealed to be Christian movie (the dead are back because it's the End Times, but it's not scary, it's "heartwarming" as the family's dead son reappears) and suddenly it all makes sense how it could be so very weirdly bad. They…

Ken Jeong stars in this fictionalized version of his life, which apparently consists of a lot of overly broad characterizations, tired sitcom tropes, and middle-aged people talking in awkward, exaggerated attempts at hip-hop cliches in lieu of jokes. Even a huge surfeit of familiar faces can't save this, including a couple of people who were actually funny in "Community", and Dave Foley, who was actually funny in just about everything ever except this, but is thoroughly wasted here as a Phil Hartman wannabe, if you can imagine that that actually exists.

Does what it says on the tin.

Or, would, if the title was "A Man Goes On a Killing Spree For No Reason, In Between Much-Too-Long, Scenes Of Wooden Actors Having Interminable, Banal Conversations About Nothing Because The Director Has Apparently Never Heard Of 'Pacing' or 'Editing'".

A truly shitty excursion in which wooden actors are shown committing murders, and then appear before a man in a plaster mask who announces himself as "The God Of Pain" and sentences them to eternal pain.

I notice a lot of truly abysmal, home-movie-level crap comes from this company "ITN". This is more of that. There's an incubus, he looks like the Brawny paper towel man, and a bunch of other shit that I can't even be bothered to summarize, and no acting or filmmaking skill anywhere to be seen.