Shocking Dark
A cliched, bottom-of-the-barrel 1989 Italian sci-fi/action movie about some sort of menace killing scientists in the canals of Venice. Sub-USA-Up-All-Night quality. Garbage.
Another Soul
Bottom-of-the-barrel, by-the-numbers cliched possession story. Like "Paranormal Activity" with even worse acting and less filmmaking skill.
In Its Wake
This low-budget "man in a rubber suit" creature feature is essentially "30 Days Of Night", except with a demon instead of vampires, and you never actually see the demon, and it's bad instead of good. However, they try so hard that I was a little entertained, a little.
Terror Firma
This is a truly odd little movie. Low-budget for sure, with only 3 actors, and hard to call it a very good movie, but, it's definitely a little different in terms of story. Los Angeles is under lockdown for unspecified reasons, and a package of seeds arrives with a delivery of food for three housemates, which, planted in the backyard, turn into a hole in the ground filled with some sort of glop, which, smelling good enough to eat, our protagonists do. Soon they're addicted, one roommate injects the glop and gets caught between dimensions, another has sex with the hole, and soon he goes insane, a twisted flower that produces more seeds grows from the hole, an interdimensional portal appears in the ground below it, and things just get weirder from there. The nice thing is, for such a bizarre plot, things are actually played fairly straight. The lead…
The Red Tide Massacre
A zero-budget feature in which a convict on the run falls into water full of mutant red tide and turns into the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
Cold Blows The Wind
Absolutely execrable, bottom-of-the-barrel mess of a horror movie (shot on video, no less, so it looks like a bad TV show) about a couple that accidentally kills a jogger while driving drunk, buries him in the woods by their house where for never-explained reasons "things don't stay dead", and, simultaneously, are visited by a woman possessed by some sort of evil spirit. But, it's so over the top, somehow, I find it entertaining. The terrible actors really try their darnedest to commit, and somehow don't even seem embarrassed to be in this movie. I was mildly entertained by how something this bad even can exist.
Don't watch it. It's really awful.
Foil
Somewhere in the same universe as Repo Man, Harold & Kumar, and Buckaroo Bonzai is this quirky buddy comedy about two slacker friends on a UFO-spotting camping trip in the desert who encounter other enthusiasts out there. I found it slightly above average, although judging from the extremely low-to-mixed reviews on IMDB, not everybody appreciated the humor like I did. And it probably doesn't rise to the level of those others I mentioned. But I liked it, I found it amusing most of the way through, although it dragged on a bit at the end. It's definitely kind of its own thing, for sure.
The 3rd Guest
Absolutely incomprehensible, bottom-of-the-barrel, poorly acted, terribly written attempt at a supernatural thriller about a couple of ghost hunters who go to a murderer's house to try and see the ghost of their daughter, I think. Seems like a zero-budget except they either had a boom, a helicopter, or a drone because there's lots of gorgeous, expensive-looking overhead shots, which is just weird in a movie like this.
Hoodman
It's Hoodman, not Candyman or Bloody Mary, that a young mother believes took her son, rather than him dying in a car crash she can't remember, in this unexciting, paint-by-numbers supernatural thriller with a soundtrack full of conventionally ominous low, metallic drones and skirling violin stabs. Hoodman. Not Candyman.
I kinda would have enjoyed the soundtrack without the movie.
Excess Flesh
Captivity flick that, if that's not bad enough, goes on about twice as long as it should and tries to turn into an art flick, eventually descending into complete incomprehensibility. A slightly pudgy woman takes out her food issues on her skinny, vapid party-girl roommate. Seems like it wants to be some kind of statement on standards of beauty or the fashion industry but simply alluding to issues isn't a statement about them, no matter how many weird slow-motion shots of people stuffing their faces with cake you put in.
Bitter Feast
Slightly better-than-average captivity flick, somewhat well made, and with some character development and decent acting, almost like they were trying to make a real movie instead of just brutality as entertainment. But, still a captivity flick. Chef captures and tortures critic who gave him a bad review. Actually much better than that setup sounds, but still, a captivity flick.
Project Gemini
An attempt to move a life-giving alien orb to another planet goes awry. Mostly basically "Alien" but with tougher tough guys, cooler guns, and worse acting.
The Veil (2023)
A not-bad horror-ish, sci-fi-ish movie that plays like an ok episode of a long-form sci-fi TV show. During a solar storm that knocked out cell reception and causes auroras in the sky, a retired priest takes in an Amish girl fleeing her wedding. The whole movie is them talking or arguing in the darkened house. 70 minutes passed surprisingly quickly. Nothing to really recommend here, but, I don't regret watching it.
Paralysis
A derivative James Wan-style supernatural/otherworldly-entity-in-a-house thriller made by someone much less talented than James Wan. A woman who suffers from sleep paralysis has her brother move in following abuse from their father. But then halfway through she calls psychic and says she's been seeing her dead brother. Then she hangs out with him again. Then the psychic shows up and clichéd sub-James-Wan antics ensue. Blech. Nope.
What Happened at 625 River Road?
Bottom-of-the-barrel thriller with some of the worst acting I've ever seen, and then, one really great plot twist. They got me.
A pair of women rent a house for a few days. The owners act fishy. Someone creeps around outside the house at night. Soon it becomes apparent that the owners, who behaved like the worst actors I've ever seen, weren't really the owners, as they wait in a hotel room and try to plot a way to get the women out of the house. In the background, a newscast, read by an anchor who acts like one of the worst actors I've ever seen, reads a story that local asylums are releasing lunatics early to ease overcrowding [cue ominous music]... a police officer who behaves like one of the worst actors I've ever seen investigates a report that the owner of the house is missing.
But, then…
Violett
The cadaverously beautiful Georgia Evers in what should have been an overbearingly indie surreal thriller but actually is ok, owing to fairly skilled filmmaking. Pretty visually pretentious flick (lots of saturated colors, black and white, sudden shift to silent movie sequences, etc., much of which is actually cinematically beautiful) about a woman and her daughter and the hallucinatory strange and threatening people the meet around her town. It was ok. I wouldn't go out of my way to see it but it was better than a movie this artsy should have been.
Removed
Definitely... well... not a flawed gem, but a flawed alright thriller in which a cleaner is paid to clean house for an overbearing rich guy. Saved from mediocrity by the villain, who does a standout performance as the stereotypical possibly homicidal rich asshole—think Patrick Bateman from "American Psycho" with the histrionics toned down to realistic levels. I liked it quite a bit, almost enough to recommend it, except that the plot kind of falls apart through too many tough-to-swallow sudden twists and turns at the end, and leaves it unsatisfying. Still maybe worth watching for the simmering, arrogant bad guy, though, if nothing else. He's memorable, and the slow burn of the first two acts are watchable; the end of the movie is niether, which, you know, you really want them to stick the landing and sadly they don't.
Thine Ears Shall Bleed
An ok horror movie for about 2/3 of its runtime goes unfortunately far over the top and histrionic for the third act. A pioneer family in a covered wagon takes a wrong turn and gets lost in the woods. Soon another lost traveler stumbles out of the woods, miracles happen like the blind son regains his sight, and they hear a booming sound they assume to be God. It's not. Slightly better for a lot of it than that sounds, mostly because of pretty good acting, but again, unfortunately it doesn't hold up, as their attempts to ratchet up the tension just turn to religious hysteria and screaming and it just, paradoxically, loses all interest. Sometimes filmmakers forget the value of quiet.
Flesh City
Execrable, pretentious wanna-be "avante garde" film from a Berlin filmmaker who obviously thinks "avant garde" means lots of video effects, jumpy edits, stuttering video, and half the movie being just self-indulgent music videos for his terrible music, for no reason that's ever explained.
I assumed this was a student film but it turns out this filmmaker is middle-aged.
Couldn't even tell you what this movie was about. It was listed under horror, and from reading about it apparently in between the music videos there's some sort of story involving a mutation. I did hear a bad actress mention Satan at one point.
Turned it off halfway through.
Zo In Exile
A young woman has a disjointed bunch of random, weird, episodic encounters with weird people who do random things because it's artsy, I guess. Seems loosely to be a cheaply-produced attempt at a sort of "Alice In Wonderland"-type tale, but with no rhyme, reason, narrative interest or redeeming artistic qualities. Basically a film student's idea of an "art" film, or what a Gaspar Noe film would be like if he lost all his filmmaking talent and only hired people who didn't know how to act. It turns into a music video, then a sitcom spoof, then it's a youtube video including the logo and controls. People's wigs fly off their heads while they're talking, to which they say, "Hair, are you acting up again? Hair!" It has that failed indie film standby, absolutely needless and unexplained video and sound effects inserted at random moments. Things suddenly move in fast or…
Herd
Ok, this movie couldn't have seemed less promising: "A woman running from her past is trapped between a zombie outbreak and warring militia groups." Great. But it turns out, this is a more of a flawed gem... deeply flawed in some ways but also very well done in others.
Inside of the first few minutes it became apparent this was a little better than that. The acting and dialog seemed good, somehow. Cliche'd ominous background news reports about a viral outbreak are downplayed and handled well for something we've seen so many times before. The couple goes on a 5-day canoe trip and then quickly fall to arguing, and for a little while, this turns into one of those movies that kills time by having a couple negotiate their relationship onscreen for the viewers—my favorite thing—before the canoe capsizes, one's leg is broken, and they must take to land…
Everwinter Night
This film set low expectations and then came through kinda better than expected. The synopsis, "Lifelong best friends, Maddy and V, find themselves at a remote ski lodge where a group of mysterious wealthy men throw a celebration century in the making" certainly didn't lead me to expect anything great.
And, it's not great. But it was actually kinda good. But the acting is a slight cut above movies like this usually are, and even the particularly hammy performances are entertaining. Some of the dialog occasionally rings true at points, which is nice. The movie is a very slow burn and takes it's time, maybe longer than it should, to get where it finally goes, but I didn't mind that much. And the ending finally ratchets up the intensity nicely, after a long very gradual simmer. I think if I was 14 I'd have thought this was flat-out great.
I've…
The Devil’s Restaurant
A horror-comedy that actually works, sort of... at least well enough that I was reasonably entertained. In this case, a restauranteur strikes a deal with a demon who lives in the basement. The demon makes the restaurant successful, in exchange for occasionally being fed only the worst of the customers.
The problem with most "horror comedy" is it's really just a bad horror movie trying to be passed off as "comedy" because it's just bad. In this case, it's an actual comedy that happens to be about horror topics.
The acting is terrible, the movie is pretty goofy, but it knows what it is and isn't trying to be anything more. What's more, the cast, though pretty terrible, seem like they enjoyed making it. It's fun and, this works in its favor too, just slightly original—definitely not reminiscent of anything I've seen before. I liked it.
The Suffering
Appraiser visits wealthy old man's estate to appraise it and supernatural shit happens ("weird creepy visions and specters from the past" variety.) Meh.
Exhume
A couple of archeologists and their young daughter move to an abandoned penal camp for boys to search for a buried body, and supernatural shit happens (possession-and-talking-with-creepy-voices variety.) Pretty much slid off my brain immediately after watching it.
Life Raft
This movie opens with a card that says, "This footage was found in a camera that washed up on a beach on Long Island".
And that's all I know, because that's literally all it takes to get me to turn a movie off nowadays.
Homebound
Middling British suspense flick about a man bringing his new fiancee to meet the kids. The kids are acting strange, mom is nowhere to be seen, eventually things turn violent and although the suspenseful mood is done well not much is explained. In the end it turns out mom is in the cellar, it's implied she's dead, but why? Movie ends without saying.
I Survived A Zombie Apocalypse
Reasonably entertaining horror-comedy (a genre I usually don't like) from New Zealand, in which the set of a zombie movie is attacked by real zombies. Sort of over-the-top and hammy, but, it works, it's clear from the get-go that that's what they set out to do. I wouldn't go out of my way to see it, but, it's watchable enough.
The Lost End
This ambitious indie flick is somewhere in the David Lynch, Guillermo Del Toro, Gaspar Noe triangle of "film is art" highly-stylized productions. A man whose wife and son disappear on a trip to the beach—or is it his mother and his younger self?—leading him to search a desert community for them and become involved with some sort of cult. People turn into lizards, bugs, skeletons, and the entire thing is intentionally dreamlike (and consequently, hard to follow the plot of.)
Nowhere near as good a film as any of the above-mentioned names would have made, and probably not one I can recommend, nonetheless, I admire the ambition, no matter how far short it falls of its lofty goals.
Caught (2017)
Hmmm. Hmmmmmmmm. Hmmmm.
What starts as a dreadfully slow, very British take on a home invasion/captivity flick a la "Funny Games"—something I'm immediately put off by—turns out, very slowly, to be something a little more... but then, exactly what, is never revealed, which is frustrating.
In 1972, a journalist couple who has been poking around a mysterious military operation our on the moors receives a visit from a very oddly-mannered couple, "Mr. and Mrs. Blair", who want to ask them a few questions, and proceed to brutalize and take them captive.
Honestly, pretty bad movie, and the fact that nothing is explained or resolved makes it doubly frustrting.
But at the same time, the acting is, er, strange enough to be a little engaging. The oddball performances of Mr. & Mrs Blair, as they slowly get stranger and stranger, is somehow a little interesting, especially the actress who…