Movie Reviews » Trash

Banshee Chapter

I have no idea how they got Katia Winter and Ted Levine (who, by the way, once personally scared the shit out of me in a real life encounter) for this movie that is visually somewhat competent, at best, but feels in every other way like an absolutely amateur mess.

This story manages in the first half hour to mention MK-Ultra, psychedelics, numbers stations, the Black Rock Desert, H.P. Lovecraft, and a character who couldn't have been more closely based on Hunter S Thompson if he'd had his ashes shot out of a cannon after he blows his brains out near the end. And, nothing original at all, other than throwing everything but the kitchen sink into the first 30 minutes of one movie. It's just a hodgepodge of trite conspiracy theory shit tied together with jump scares, as the film finds reason after reason for the lights to go…

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31437  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Just, Don't

Janus (2024)

Bottom-of-the-barrel zero-budget indie sci-fi about a mad scientist who kidnaps people to clone them for some reason. Notable only for having a twist ending I saw coming about 30 minutes into the movie. (The good guy escapes, and it turns out he was cloned and the clone sets off after him.)

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31405  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Je nais se quois

Match (2025)

A pretty pleasant surprise—a thoroughly derivative captivity/pursuit movie of the "trapped in an insane psycho's house" variety, about a young woman who is tricked into meeting someone via a dating app who is not who the profile says, but which slowly picks up about a third of the way through and then, surprisingly, just gets better and better.

This is entirely derivative in terms of its themes, indebted deeply to movies like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but slowly they began to introduce elements that had me thinking, "Well, this is actually alright for what it is, I bet younger horror fans will think it's great... although I'm just not sure it's necessary when we have The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." And then, slowly, they just kind added enough novel elements, and truthfully the whole thing is well-made enough all the way through, that I actually wound up enjoying it quite…

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31344  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Trash

Alien Legacy: Terror on Luxor Ridge

I'm 40 minutes into this completely amateur pile of shit and I have no idea what it's about. It appears to be a bunch of scenes of various English people hamming up the daily lives of English people. And, geez, it's 2:07 long. There's another 90 minutes of this crap! Turned it off.

And here I thought America had a lock on movies this bad.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31338  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Je nais se quois

All The Devil’s Aliens (“Devils in the Darkness”)

Let me say first that virtually any reasonable person will hate this movie. I can't decide if I like it myself. For a good part of it, I sure didn't.

This is sort of like "outsider art" of sci-fi horror. Absolutely terrible by most conventional standards: paced like a slog through a swamp, fairly poorly acting, and a difficult-to-make sense of story.

The story, for what it's worth, is a medical student gets a night job as a caregiver for a cantankerous, agoraphobic old man, who is never seen, but rather only heard perpetually cursing over a baby monitor from his room, as the primary nurse does all the actual attending to him. Strange shadows occasionally dart about and startle him, without explanation. And that's the first half of the movie. And it's, strange, there was actually something about it I kind of liked somehow, but I couldn't…

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31335  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Just, Don't

The Scopia Effect

A disjointed, stylized "artsy" film which seems to be about a woman who is experiencing the deaths of a bunch of people from different places and points in history, but is just a bunch of scenes with no clear narrative. Well-shot but I just couldn't follow what was supposed to be happening.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31333  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Different, At Least

Theta States

Sleepless man falls under the influence of a demon posing as a doctor who runs a sleep clinic. I have never seen a movie try harder to be a supernatural epic, and fall so far short because they had no budget and no talent. But, wow, they really wanted this amateurish piece of garbage to be an epic. I kind of admire trying to punch so incredibly far above your weight.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31327  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » watchable

Moon

Decent enough sci-fi, well-made, despite the too-obvious influences of "2001: A Space Odyssey" and "Solaris". A lone worker on a moon base prepares to wrap up his 3-year stint there when he discovers unexpected company. Sam Rockwell does a decent job carrying 99% of the dialog, and all the action, in several different roles.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31324  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Bad but I liked it

Bottle Monster

Alcohol single mother and young son movie into a new house and there are... things there.

What a weird movie. Definitely an execrable, bottom-rung, amateur, poorly (really, not at all) acted, zero-budget movie. But, I dunno. The lead actress really commits, even though she can't act. And the special effects are so corny, but used so sparingly, that they're kind of charming. Plus, weirdly, there's a last-minute cameo from Bob Clendenin, who you will definitely recognize as one of those slightly funny-looking, "Hey, it's that guy" second-string character actors who's been in a million commercials and shows and things but whose names you never get.

Rated 2.5 stars on IMDB and that's about right. But, still, somehow, once it finally got going—which took a while—I liked it, for a terrible movie.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31322  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
WP Error: Empty Term.

Downhill

Mountain bikers go on a trip to Chile, and spend half the movie just being douchebags, then encounter the local criminal element and get victimized and pursued through the woods for the next 1/3 of the movie, before the last half of the third act when they finally start the action and the cool monsters and supernatural stuff. Captivity/pursuit flick, the kind of movie where a lot of the audio is just people screaming or whimpering, and would be kind of a good one if they hadn't waited until the last 15 minutes of the movie to get interesting. Had kind of "Cannibal Holocaust" exploitation-flick-in-the-jungle feel once it finally got going, but the 85% of the movie where you're waiting for that was just tedious. Filmmakers gotta learn, you can't just pile on a bunch of cool shit at the very end.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31306  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
WP Error: Empty Term.

Malignant

Just-slightly-better-than-mediocre horror thriller about a man who comes under the control of a mad scientist who tries to "help" him control his drinking by taking over his body and forcing him to kill people every time he gets drunk.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31302  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Different, At Least

Before I’m Dead

Swing and a miss. Somewhat competent extended Twilight Zone episode, basically, in which a man retreats to his apartment after his wife is killed in front of him in a mass shooting, only for time to collapse in on itself, and past and future collide and get to hang out and drink tea.

Could have been ok, but narratively not much happens, it's just kind of trippy for its own sake, and then ends without a resolution or explanation. A strong ending might have made it ok, but it just kind of stops on something that feels like a note of redemption but doesn't actually say anything.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31297  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » watchable

Mundane

Low-key but kind of charming indie sci-fi (barely), about a humanoid cyborg trying quietly to fit in in human society. Quirky without being annoyingly so. Has a wonderful avant-garde-leaning soundtrack with tropicalia music and Meredith Monk-type whoops.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31294  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
WP Error: Empty Term.

Halloween (2018)

Ok, so, the big final blowout between Jamie Lee Curtis and Michael Myers. It had to be BIG. And obviously they tried to make it good. It's a well-made movie, for sure.

But, it's Halloween. It's still a slasher flick. The world's best slasher flick is still just a slasher flick. And after The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, who needs another slasher flick?

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31292  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
WP Error: Empty Term.

Candlewood

Nicely-shot but tough-to-believe thriller about a gorgeous city family moving to rural New England, having problems with the crusty locals and maybe hallucinating a little bit. Kind of a stinker. Seemingly venomously panned in reviews, but I didn't think it was *that* bad, it just wasn't very good.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31288  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Different, At Least

616 Wilford Lane

This movie stands out for having the most ridiculous plot twist I've ever seen.

After starting out with an Amityville-inspired prelude saying that an archeological find has revealed that "the real number of the beast is 616", and showing home security camera footage of a young man rising out of bed late at night and killing his family with a rifle, the movie moves on to a paint-by-numbers, clichéd family-moves-into-a-murder-house haunted house flick of the low caliber you might expect from any movie featuring Eric Roberts, who is famous for appearing in any movie that pays his $5000/day fee. A father and his teenage daughters movie into a surprisingly affordable mansion after the death of the mother.

But, then in what had to be a scene entirely written, filmed, and tacked on after production, in just the last 5 minutes, a "plot twist" comes from further out of left field…

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31284  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
WP Error: Empty Term.

Habitat (2023)

The first 42 minutes of this ostensible sci-fi movie are a high-concept voiceover intro about aliens needing to test AI to mine gold on earth, and then people individually waking up in an abandoned futuristic medical facility and wandering around it and encountering occasional jumps scares from a cat.

That's it.

I don't know if there's any more than that because I turned it off then. There was still an hour left to the movie. I didn't want to see it.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31281  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Bad but I liked it

The Face In The Wall

Zero—possibly negative—budget flick about amateur filmmakers in NYC who discover a blank wall that reveals a face when seen through their camera, which leads them to bring in a psychic who spends the whole movie talking about hoodoo from other dimensions.

And you know what? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the New-York-City-ness of the whole thing. I enjoyed two NYC goofballs talking hoodoo to a blank wall. I enjoyed the hammy, terrible acting of the "psychic" and her unidentifiable eastern European accent. I enjoyed that their budget was so low the for the one digital effect they used, a dimensional portal in the wall, they couldn't even afford to mask out, so it just was pasted in front of everything onscreen. I enjoyed that they somehow managed to make a talky, totally plotless 83 minutes with no action, no climax, no real ending somehow pass quickly. I enjoyed the cheezy…

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31275  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » "Found Footage" crap
Posted in genresLazy Found Footage

Hangman (2015)

Pointlessly "found footage" account of a gorgeous family being harangued by intruders in their house after returning from a vacation to find it broken into.

At this point these lazy directors have given up on even having a narrative reason to use first-person-shooter perspective... this one is shown entirely through cutting between the house's security cameras and webcams, of which there appear to be an unusual number, for absolutely no explicable reason, except that they didn't want to pay a cameraman or use any cinematography.

The few outdoor scenes are shown from the stalker's cell phone camera, which he helpfully keeps running and trained on the action, even while he's stabbing someone.

I'm ready to coin a new hashtag: #FFFU. Found Footage, Fuck You.

Turned it off, except to fast-forward through it twice looking for the scene with Amy Smart.

Stars Jeremy Sisto.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31272  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Je nais se quois

The Snare (2017)

This movie is truly an odd bird. I believe the weaknesses outnumber the strengths, a flawed gem that's more flaw than gem, but I can't say it has absolutely nothing at all going for it.

Three people get trapped in a high-rise holiday flat, and as the food and water run out they begin to lose their minds. Eventually it comes to appear they may be victims of something larger than a simple mishap.

It's well-made and well-acted by indie film standards. Also, it had some nice production touches... some of the camerawork, the way they handle the apartment, was reminiscent of how the hotel sets were used in "The Shining", but not in a deliberately derivative way, just in seeming to have picked up some nice moves from it.

But the narrative is pretty weak and disjointed, and the first probably two thirds of the movie are…

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31265  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Just, Don't

Trapped Inside My Sin

The kind of movie that a church group makes when they decide to make a "horror movie".

Well, you gotta admire their commitment.

I wonder how these things get on Tubi.

Best moment: The psychiatrist hands the protagonist a bible and tells him he needs God, not medication. Protagonist: "You're a doctor, not a priest." Psychiatrist: "I'm a human being. One who knows a lot more about these kinds of things than you do."

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31260  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Bad but I liked it

Don’t Run

Nebbishy teen has a monster in his house that won't let him leave at night, forces him to be in bed by sundown, and eats anyone who comes calling.

Basically, it's a horror movie for kids, but kind of on the slightly intense side for kids. I thought it might be a "Goosebumps" movie or something. Has a weak "and then it all turned out to be a dream" type ending. I guess I should have expected that. Still, it's bad but not irritatingly so, and for what it is, kind of mildly entertaining, I guess.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31253  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » "Found Footage" crap

The Changing Of Ben Moore

All the worst first-person shooter "found footage" horror cliches, wrapped around a nonsensical story about a man who whose face digitally distorts and he starts killing people when he sleepwalks, because, movie. Shot entirely in one house. Essentially, "Paranormal Activity" with even worse actors.

I wish people who made these first-person shooters understood that just because you don't have a cameraman doesn't mean you can also dispense with pacing, acting, and having a story.

Disappointing to see such a bad movie so full of Canadian accents. I guess it's the exception that proves the rule. Maybe Canada will kick this filmmaker out.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31245  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » Different, At Least

Tall Men

A young man who has just declared bankruptcy receives a mysterious charge card and buys a car, and becomes subject to usurious terms he can't afford. Mysterious threating individuals begin stalking him. An extremely contrived, self-consciously quirky, eccentric, clearly David Lynch-inspired exercise, but unlike most movies that could be said about, it actually kind of works on that level. It has some effective cinematography, including later very obviously film noir-influenced scenes that are visually well done, and actually manages to often say just on the entertaining side of being tediously "indie" and "quirky", which is rare, and I give it credit for that much.

Unfortunately, where it falls down is the much-too-slow plotting. It's twice as long as it needs to be, and for the full first half nothing really happens except for contrived self-conscious "weirdness". And the story isn't very good, and requires a little too much suspension…

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31235  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
WP Error: Empty Term.

Night Eyes

A stressed woman goes to a coworkers secluded vacation home and her ex-boyfriend terrorizes her. Fairly by the numbers except there's a single time-loopy "twist" that doesn't even actually affect the outcome of the story, it's just there to be cool, I guess. Fairly well made but a little too predictable by the time it gets to the end, and, well, basically, it's a movie about a woman being terrorized. Doesn't rise above the pack like a movie about that trope needs to.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31228  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off
Movie Reviews » watchable

Expiry

British near-future dystopian sci-fi romance. A couple in a society where relationships are tightly regulated by electronic bracelets that control whether they can touch each other or not is informed that their relationship has expired and they must move on, and they're not happy about it. Could have been worse, sometimes the British have a way of making movies not be absolute crap. On the less interesting end of watchable, but, basically watchable, for an indie flick.

| Permanent URL: https://michaelkupietz.com?p=31225  |  Share this  |  Embed link  |  Webmentions are: off