Movie Reviews

Chained

Strangely underappreciated, moody film focusing on the human elements, rather than the violent ones, of the relationship between a child and the serial killer abductor raising him as his own in captivity in a remove farmhouse. Directed by the same woman as Jennifer's Body, another film I thought, while not great, was a cut above the usual fare.

Movie Reviews

Into The Dark “Culture Shock”

Mexicans crossing illegally into the united states are abducted and subjected to the world's cheeziest brainwashing experiment, and the only one being conducted by Creed from "The Office".

Movie Reviews

Into The Dark “Treehouse”

Not a bad one. That guy who was one of the McPoyle Brothers who's everywhere now goes to his country home and gets tormented for past crimes by a cover of witches. It's still "Into The Dark", but it's an ok one, with exceptional costume design.

Movie Reviews

Overtime

This post-Tarantino crime drama-to-zombie alien horror flick-to-crime drama is as amateurish and crappy as it gets, total grade-Z, but miraculously is saved by the raw charisma of pretty much *everybody* in it. It's like they got the most charismatic Z-grade actors in the entire country all together for one shitty film. Surprised Linnea Quigley isn’t in it, if that gives you any idea.

Movie Reviews

Long Weekend/Nature’s Grave

Here we have a rare beast: for Long Weekend, both the 1978 original and the 2008 remake starring Jim Cavaziel (distributed in America with the title "Nature's Grave") are both worth seeing. They're good in different ways. I might prefer the original but thanks to capable horror direction the remake has some memorably chilling moments.

Anyway, the story is the same in both: a crass suburban couple goes camping on a remote beach in Australia, and things just go wrong. To say more would spoil it. A big favorite of mine and a pretty one-of-a-kind film, in both versions.

I've since gotten the sense that the 1978 original of this isn't revered as a minor classic, but I'm not sure why. We live in a world where everybody has heard of "Last House On The Left" and "I Spit On Your Grave", both of which came out in the…

Movie Reviews

Women In Black

Something about english girls and UFOs. Kind of slid past my brain. Possibly the lowest production values of any movie I've seen. I think these girls were like, "What do you want to do this weekend?" "Hey, let's make a movie!" "Great idea! I'll go to the art supply store and get some stuf!" Seriously. Doesn't appear to be lit or edited, just kind of shot as-is in the house where they were.

Movie Reviews

Road Kill

Sort of typical of how Hulu has a lot of horror movies that are not necessarily that good, but nonetheless interesting. Despite the cliched title, a fairly original spin on the "things go wrong for vacationers on the road out in desolate area" thriller genre, as 4 australians kids in the outback encounter a really bad truck. What looks like it's going to be a slasher film doesn't become one, as there's no slasher. Never-quite-explained supernatural hijinx ensue.

Movie Reviews

Blood

WOW. Won film festival prizes. Tarkovsky meets Cronenberg. Very slow moving, horror without scares. Focuses on characters, 70's-ish in the same way Beyond The Black Rainbow was. Scientist finally finds 20 year old girl he genetically engineered to have narcotic blood, rescues her from junkie former scientists holding her captive for her blood.

Movie Reviews

Home Movie

you knew somebody was eventually going to make a movie that justified the use of the first person camera perspective. This is the one. Evil kids destroy their family, As seen through the family's home movies. Not exactly what I'd call a "serious" horror film, but entertaining.

Movie Reviews

Satan’s Little Helper

A personal fave. More of a horror comedy than a horror film, but twisted and bizarre enough to be real fun. A kid, a serial killer, a halloween mask, a case of mistaken identity, what more do you need?

Movie Reviews » "Found Footage" crap

They’re Watching

A pleasant surprise. One of those rare movies that starts really lame and completely redeems itself by the end, provided you can take some amusement from the totally unexpected over-the-topness of it. First-person shooter in which the "never stop filming!" film crew is crass Americans that goes to a remote rural Eastern European village, pisses off superstitious locals by accidentally filming a funeral, and engages in some incredibly heavy handed foreshadowing before getting themselves stuck out in the woods to get picked off — and yet, somehow, rather than collapsing under the weight of almost more clichés than you could possibly fit into one uninspired seeming movie, the whole thing takes off into unexpected the territory with such a beautifully over-the-top SFX blowout that I think I said "wow" more than once out loud. Special-effects so good that you'll want to see it on video see you can pause it…

Movie Reviews

The Ramekin

Simply put, the worst movie ever made, and not in that spectacular way that might be worth seeing just for the awfulness. Psycho girl played by an actress who appears never to have acted before or during filming is terrorized by a ramekin (a kind of pastry cup). Seemed like somebody's high school project. Maybe middle school.

Movie Reviews

Darling

pretentious, nonsensical, overstylized black and white crap. Hipster girl watches haunted house in Brooklyn, bring a guy home, inexplicably kills her then goes insane. Dull. (Much later note: Yes, I realize on re-read that this review doesn’t entirely make sense. Trust me, it doesn’t matter.)

Movie Reviews

Howl

Captivity werewolf flick, but sort of a cut above, a little. People trapped on a derailed train in the English countryside in a new take on the werewolf tale from the creator of The Descent.

As might be suggested by that last bit, good direction makes it overall slightly better than it might have been... Actually very decent for what it is, fairly well-done and original for a monster movie, I liked it.

Not an A, definitely a 'B' picture, but kind of a 'B+' one. Pretty grisly, but a movie like this kind of needs to be.

Movie Reviews

YellowBrickRoad

This film got under my skin.

It's an American Gothic about researchers trying to retrace the steps of a NH community that walked off en masse into the wilderness in the 1940s, and slowly losing their minds in the woods themselves. And that's really about it.

It's a flawed gem, original, and really disturbed me, despite an unsatisfyingly, almost Lynchian-cryptic (in a bad way; think "Mulholland Drive", not "Eraserhead") ending. It has a low rating but extremely polarized reviews on IMDB, a lot of people either really hated or really loved it. I'd watch it again for sure, and years after having seen it, I can still vividly recall a lot of it, because so much of it just plain really got to me. We go to horror movies to be disturbed, and somehow this odd film disturbed me viscerally, in a way that films with a much…

Movie Reviews

Girls (TV show)

All the cringeworthy, painful embarrassment* of 90210 and sheer greasy self-involved repugnance of Sex And The City. Halfway through the first episode I was gripped by a paralyzing fear that outside my life and your life, the world actually is really like this. (*until you add Chris O'Dowd. And then it actually exceeds the cringeworthy, painful embarrassment of 90210.)

Movie Reviews

Unit 13

Another strange, utterly cheap-looking film that looks like it was filmed on an iPhone and is basically utter shite, with virtually no plot, one set, or character depth. A bunch of people are chased around an underground storage facility by an unexplained monster for an hour and a half and either disappear withpout explanation, are killed, or are "possessed" and become evil without explanation. And yet, somehow, it manages to be consistently pretty tense and scary. Good date movie. I counted my blessings, though: after all, this could've been shot as a first-person found footage film. I actually might watch this again.

Movie Reviews

Acedia

strange, poorly acted, poorly made, very cheap-looking, amateurish film using only natural light and almost no special effects, yet manages to maintain a good rhythm and convey consistent enough very creepy atmosphere for me, at least, to enjoy. A bunch of priests gather for an exorcism on an estate, and as they await the annointed hour, visions from the past greet and torture them. A box made from the wood of Noah's ark grants wishes. Everybody talks with NY accents, if you happen to have a thing for or against that.

Movie Reviews

Bereavement

run-of-the-mill captivity and torture by a psycho in an abandoned slaughterhouse, pretty pedestrian, but, I dunno, something about it is kind of engaging. I enjoyed it an iota more than I'd ordinarily enjoy this sort of cliched pic. Maybe it's slightly better made than most. The bad guy is Buffalo Bill rehashed, but done well. Some sudden moments of extraordinary brutality. Apparently it's a prequel, I found out later. (Sheer coincidence... the first one came on as I was writing this. It was totally forgettable.)

Movie Reviews

Harbinger Down

Monster found in an iceberg slowly picks off crew of Bering Sea ship. Once again proves that if you find yourself in a horror movie scenario, the key to survival is outliving Lance Hendriksen.