Nicely atmospheric but pretentious and dreadfully slow film. I can't even tell you what it's about. It opens with a man saying he hasn't slept since he was 7 years old, but after that... so slow, I couldn't focus on it. I think maybe it's supposed to be artistic?
I lasted about an hour before I felt like watching a movie.
Visually gorgeous but perhaps the slowest, talkiest, least engaging nominal sci-fi I've ever seen. Something about a family whose child's AI companion breaks, so a lot of people talk and talk and talk about a lot of things.
Dick Van Dyke, Carl Reiner, Mary Tyler Moore, Gabe Kaplan, and a bunch of other people who should have known better in a stereotypically cringeworthy, unfunny '70s variety show. I lasted one episode.
100% amateur crap. Some sort of attempt at Lynchian surrealism executed with apparently no knowledge of cinematography, lighting, sound, or acting.
Imagine a movie described as "National Lampoon's Van Wilder, a frat-house comedy starring Ryan Reynolds and Tara Reid". Now picture that same movie, except more crass than you're imagining.
Stephen King adaptation directed by George Romero. Typical dull Stephen King adaption, only less happens. George Romero really should have hung it up after "Dawn Of The Dead", too.
An apparent home movie where two girls who clearly aren't actresses walk into an empty house and begin writhing and emoting. I lasted about 15 minutes.
Some sort of BS attempt at weak horror about a filmmaker. As amateurish as it gets. High-school-play-level acting, too talky, leaden pacing.
Decently lit, though, which is funny.
Several couples take an experimental drug and argue about their relationships, and argue about their relationships, and argue about their relationships, and argue about their relationships, and argue about their relationships, and argue about their relationships...
Update: I came back a few days later and I had forgotten to close my browser, this was still queued to where I'd turned the TV off. So I watched the last half-hour. Spoiler alert: They spend the rest of the movie arguing about their relationships.
Overly amateur production about a recoving alcoholic stressing out during the pandemic, which apparently consists of seeing "artsy" video montages and effects, plus way too many real-life clips of Donald Trump being a dick during the pandemic. I guess they thought we needed to be told he's an asshole.
I lasted over an hour, but with 30 minutes left to go, I gave up.
I think this is a softcore porno that somehow wound up on Tubi. Some sort of horror-themed nonsense about a ouija board summoning a 300-year-old witch is a pretext for showing a lot of unnaturally large tits and trashy people talking about screwing, in the lowest-possible home-movie production quality.
I mean, yeah, if you resurrected a busty 300-year-old witch with a ouija board, I'm sure the first thing she would do is stand in the shower caressing her own body, right? That's the level this thing operates on.
I lasted about 45 minutes before turning it off, but truthfully that was only because I was distracted for a lot of that time by looking up naked photos of one of the actresses on the internet.
As hackneyed and unfunny as a sitcom can be. Chris D'Elia, who, despite whatever else may be said about him, is at least often a funny actor, is absolutely wasted in this. Turned it off during the third episode. I'm not sitting through 9 more episodes of this.
I thought the first Saw was interesting, not great but good. I lasted maybe 20 minutes of this. It's just violence as entertainment... like, essentially gladiator games, except, it's supposed to be cool because its twisted. Great. Never done it for me.
I'm 40 minutes into this completely amateur pile of shit and I have no idea what it's about. It appears to be a bunch of scenes of various English people hamming up the daily lives of English people. And, geez, it's 2:07 long. There's another 90 minutes of this crap! Turned it off.
And here I thought America had a lock on movies this bad.
Pointlessly "found footage" account of a gorgeous family being harangued by intruders in their house after returning from a vacation to find it broken into.
At this point these lazy directors have given up on even having a narrative reason to use first-person-shooter perspective... this one is shown entirely through cutting between the house's security cameras and webcams, of which there appear to be an unusual number, for absolutely no explicable reason, except that they didn't want to pay a cameraman or use any cinematography.
The few outdoor scenes are shown from the stalker's cell phone camera, which he helpfully keeps running and trained on the action, even while he's stabbing someone.
I'm ready to coin a new hashtag: #FFFU. Found Footage, Fuck You.
Turned it off, except to fast-forward through it twice looking for the scene with Amy Smart.
Stars Jeremy Sisto.
Ten minutes of a totally uninteresting YouTuber yammering at his phone was all I could take of this "movie".
An AirBnB in San Diego is accidentally double-booked by an Irish couple and a couple from New York who are actually criminals on the run. Billed as a supernatural thriller, by an hour into this 90-minute zero-budget amateur movie it had consisted entirely of the couples hanging out around the house (apparently they booked an AirBnB all the way around the world and across the country, respectively, to sit around the house), bickering amongst themselves, plus two fleeting shots of figures in costume-shop satanic robes lurking outside the house. And that's it. I turned it off.
Painfully indie, poorly acted movie that I bet was filmed in Brooklyn. A girl... I don't know. She bleeds from the ears, she goes on blind dates with the worst men ever, she goes to the doctor, she deals with customers at the department store she works at who demand her help in choosing between perfumes that they say smell like spoiled bananas and rancid meat.
Weirdly, the visual production values are pretty professional and well-done, while the attempted acting—really, just people clearly reciting lines and trying ineptly to seem ingenuous about it—is just absolutely awful, incredibly bad. Like, porn-movie-bad. The contradiction between that and decent productions values is jarring.
And the weird pastiche of video production effects, jumpy visual montages to jazz drumming, and special-effects interludes in "artsy" styles don't help at all.
I turned it off halfway though.
Everybody ... stares ... looking ... concerned. And ... talks ... very ... slowly. What ... are ... they ... saying? I ... don't ... know ... because ... this ... movie ... has ... the ... most ... muffled ... and ... indistinct ... sound ... recording ... I've ... ever ... heard. Turned it off halfway through, which was long after it got annoying.
Scientist pandemic something something. 8 minutes of the most egregious "found footage" cliches were enough to get me to turn it off.
This "thriller" is in every way like a porn flick without any sex. These people are obviously not actors, and are as stiff as if they're reading lines off cue cards. It's shot on VHS, not even always in focus. I lasted about 20 minutes. Seriously: why would anybody watch something like this if there's no sex?
A hopelessly pretentious amateur production apparently about an actress wanting to stage a cursed one-act play—I got that by looking it up online, because I sure couldn't tell from watching the movie. One of those movies that tries to make up for lack of filmmaking talent by pretention and being 'experimental'.
First you learn the rules, THEN you can break them. Not before.
Annabella Rich is starting to seem like a harbinger of bad, pretentious amateur movies. Second one I've seen her in this week.
Turned it off after 30 minutes.
Porn-movie-level acting, writing and production values. Mother and daughter go to an Oregon lake for some bonding time and, basically, nothing happens. Mom gets headaches, daughter (played by a real life porn actress) shows her boobs so often that I actually wished she'd put some clothes on, poorly-acted cops and creepy neighbors nose around for no reason other than to create "drama". This is also the worst-paced movie I've ever seen... with overlong scenes of monologues that aren't relevant to the plot, and one seemingly never-ending montage of the mother sitting alone looking concerned for no clear reason.
Shot on often-overexposed home video, and replete with the in-camera slomo and filter effects that some people just don't realize aren't "scary". I'm surprised there wasn't a star wipe.
So low-quality that it's one of the very few movies I've ever turned off in the middle. Definitely the only movie…
Godawful sub-"USA Up All Nite" garbage that seems to have been shot by amateurs with a home video camera and a knowledge of slasher film clichés (and, amusingly, video editing software with canned effects and cheezy infomercial-style wipes.)
Acting quality, writing, and production values are on par with the worst porno film. One of the few movies I've ever just turned off after a half hour... and, if you've read through enough of these reviews, you know I've sat through the full length of some pretty bad movies.
And, it's two hours long... I can't even imagine another hour and a half of this, and I don't want to.
A guy has dreams that he kills and eats people, and I don't know anything more than that because it was so terrible I just turned it off after 20 minutes.
Don't know the plot because I turned it off less than 20 minutes into it. Porn-movie-quality acting tells me all I need to know. Not interested.
Execrable, pretentious wanna-be "avante garde" film from a Berlin filmmaker who obviously thinks "avant garde" means lots of video effects, jumpy edits, stuttering video, and half the movie being just self-indulgent music videos for his terrible music, for no reason that's ever explained.
I assumed this was a student film but it turns out this filmmaker is middle-aged.
Couldn't even tell you what this movie was about. It was listed under horror, and from reading about it apparently in between the music videos there's some sort of story involving a mutation. I did hear a bad actress mention Satan at one point.
Turned it off halfway through.
Some BS about a woman from a monster dimension who crosses over and wants to be human, or something. This movie had some of the worst acting I've ever seen. Seriously, the production values aren't even that bad, but I've never seen so many people who just didn't seem to know how to act. Unwatchable, turned it off.
One of those movies that seems like someone wrote a script in a couple of days, got a video camera and a bunch of their friends together to make a "movie". Porn-movie-level "acting", and overall the zero-budget-crappiest of zero-budget-crap that I ever turned off after less than 20 minutes. Some bullshit about alien conspiracies.
Another flippin' home movie made it onto Tubi. Kids in a house being stalked by a slasher... how did an incompetent filmmaker come up with such an original idea? Every stock "I don't know how to make a movie" trope: weird, random "artsy" jump cuts and needless video effects between scenes, abysmal acting, no lighting or sound design to speak of, and possibly no script. 100% garbage. One of the very rare times I've turned a movie off.
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