The Dead Guy
Weirdly charming zero-budget amateur "horror" in which an FBI agent with the power to talk to the dead spends the whole movie talking to the dead and literally doing nothing else. Seems like a likeable guy, though.
Latest "Bad but I liked it" files
The Dead Guy
Wait Wait Don’t Kill Me
What a weird movie. Bottom-of-the-barrel crapola, with the (lack of) acting and production values of a cheap porn film, and yet... something about it... if this had been a big budget it would have been kinda good. It's about a zombie outbreak in Philadelphia, and a group of survivors trapped in a basement. But it's a lot more about dialogue than zombies eating people. And it has a couple of fanciful animated sequences that totally work as comic relief and look better than anything else in the movie. It's kind of like... this would have been a good movie if they'd spent the kind of budget on actors and production staff that they did on the animation. The writing is, strangely, not really that bad, if you can imagine a skilled director directing skilled actors at it. But the movie looks and feels like a porno but with zombies instead…
3 Tunnels 2 Hell (aka “Serenity Farm”)
Cheapo flick about a man who acts like a bad actor who inherits a farm on an island in Washington populated by other people who act like bad actors (except one, see below), only to discover tunnels on the property with zombified creatures dwelling in them. An entirely amateur effort that manages to distinguish itself by being just a scintalla more clever than the usual bottom-of-the-barrel amateur horror movie fare, plus some oddly somewhat-adequate cinematography and orchestral score, both also just a scintilla better than these kind of awful movies usual are, plus one mid-movie soliloquy from a crusty old guy who, strikingly, can actually act, recounting the genesis of the monsters with all the gravity of Brando in Apocalypse Now.
It was funny, in the first seconds of the movie, the strings kick in on the score, and I was like, "That's kind of good background music for a…
Parasomnia
Wow. The ultimate "A+ for effort" horror/fantasy flick. Fails, but what an effort!
In terms of plot, if it matters, a temporary resident of a mental institution falls for the comatose girl up the hall, who it turns out... nah, I'm not going to spoil it. It's not exactly "different", but it steals so brazenly from films that are, that it is.
This "teen scream"-quality film shamelessly steals from Silence Of The Lambs, Saw, Mirrormask (actually stealing from that one shows impressive discernment) and I'm sure a million others on its way to a far more phantasmagoric second half than anyone could possibly see coming. It goes so far, and commits so hard to what it's trying to do, that it's actually impressive. And it's not even "so bad it's good"... it's not bad bad bad, it's just... aggressively mediocre, in so many ways, yet tries so hard…
Alice and the Vampire Queen
Hokey C-grade but fun flick that plays like a forgotten vampire TV show pilot. A gorgeous ex-con, down on her luck, gets hired as a chef for private club catering to a clan of vampires and has episodic adventures in between making steak tartare for everyone in the whole damn place every night.
I dunno, I kinda found it entertaining. Not in a way I'd recommend, though.
Lillith
This is one of the best awful movies I've ever seen. A jilted college student summons a succubus to get revenge on her ex-boyfriend, and then can't stop her from rampaging. An absolutely amateur, zero budget, probably student-run production. But—I liked it! The actors really commit, and it had odd moments of cheeky humor that worked in much the same way as your friend saying something cheeky might work.
And it stayed in its lane: tt didn't get overambitious, it seemed to know it wasn't working with much and did what it could with what little it had. The sum total was that it was kind of charming how bad it was.
Shivers
A phallic/fecal-looking parasite that causes uncontrollable, violent sexual urges spreads throughout an exclusive apartment complex. How's that for an opener?
I just can't be objective about early David Cronenberg. I've always had a lot of affection for Cronenberg as a director, and although the low production values and camp story here play like early John Waters directing a gore film, or like George Romero making a movie about horny urbanites instead of zombies... I'm not going to say anything worse than that about it. And, you know, early John Waters has its points, too.
And, I think, to me, even though this isn't the best of Cronenberg's early films (cf. "The Brood", which unfathomably isn't on Tubi), you can still see occasional signs of talent. There's some disturbing imagery to be seen here, and that's what we come to horror movies for, right?
Bottle Monster
Alcohol single mother and young son movie into a new house and there are... things there.
What a weird movie. Definitely an execrable, bottom-rung, amateur, poorly (really, not at all) acted, zero-budget movie. But, I dunno. The lead actress really commits, even though she can't act. And the special effects are so corny, but used so sparingly, that they're kind of charming. Plus, weirdly, there's a last-minute cameo from Bob Clendenin, who you will definitely recognize as one of those slightly funny-looking, "Hey, it's that guy" second-string character actors who's been in a million commercials and shows and things but whose names you never get.
Rated 2.5 stars on IMDB and that's about right. But, still, somehow, once it finally got going—which took a while—I liked it, for a terrible movie.
The Face In The Wall
Zero—possibly negative—budget flick about amateur filmmakers in NYC who discover a blank wall that reveals a face when seen through their camera, which leads them to bring in a psychic who spends the whole movie talking about hoodoo from other dimensions.
And you know what? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the New-York-City-ness of the whole thing. I enjoyed two NYC goofballs talking hoodoo to a blank wall. I enjoyed the hammy, terrible acting of the "psychic" and her unidentifiable eastern European accent. I enjoyed that their budget was so low the for the one digital effect they used, a dimensional portal in the wall, they couldn't even afford to mask out, so it just was pasted in front of everything onscreen. I enjoyed that they somehow managed to make a talky, totally plotless 83 minutes with no action, no climax, no real ending somehow pass quickly. I enjoyed the cheezy…
Don’t Run
Nebbishy teen has a monster in his house that won't let him leave at night, forces him to be in bed by sundown, and eats anyone who comes calling.
Basically, it's a horror movie for kids, but kind of on the slightly intense side for kids. I thought it might be a "Goosebumps" movie or something. Has a weak "and then it all turned out to be a dream" type ending. I guess I should have expected that. Still, it's bad but not irritatingly so, and for what it is, kind of mildly entertaining, I guess.
The Cobbler’s Wife
This feels like a pilot episode of an anthology sci-fi show that wasn't picked up, and at 1 hr 1 minute long, it probably is. A lonely shoemaker builds a robot wife, his girlfriend finds out and is creeped out. It's kinda cute, in that there's-nothing-on-and-I-bored-so-I'll-watch-one-of-these-episodes-of-the-new-run-of-The-Outer-Limits kind of way.
Obsidian (2020)
Patients at a medical clinic trial an experimental drug that cures their permanent injuries... at first.
Sub-USA-Up-All-Nite bottom-of-the-barrel zero-budget amateur-made flick turns out to be, weirdly, not a 100% terrible creature feature. There's like, one or two good actors in it, or something. They tried pretty hard, that's for sure. I mean, it's absolute garbage, for sure, and yet—I kind of liked it. I've seen way less watchable absolute garbage. Weird.
Self Quarantined
Well, this was a little different, and for the most part kind of entertaining little indie flick. A trio of women from Atlanta take a vacation in the woods during the pandemic, and spend about half the movie kibitzing around, smoking weed and keeping themselves entertained, when they start to feel like there's someone there watching them.
And from there, just when the movie seems like it's just going to be these women kibbitzing around, it gradually gets far weirder than you would ever expect. It's not all entirely well-explained, but it something along the lines of an alien invasion, and things get stranger and stranger, and what had been a down-to-earth flick about three down-to-earth women in a cabin becomes a fairly convoluted low-budget special effects sci-fi spectacle.
I pretty much enjoyed it, for a very low-budget and possible amateur production B-movie it turns pretty ambitious. And the…
Unholy Song
A weirdly sort of entertaining zero-budget flick about a bunch of low-rent people in northern California who, bear with me, play a cassette tape and accidentally free a witch who was trapped in it. Comments supernatural shit, exorcism, etc.
It was so low budget it seemed pretty useless at first, but the variety of people of the sorts you'd find hanging around a junkyard or dive bar were kind of realistic and entertaining, and they really committed to the whole thing. Kinda good for such a piece of crap.
Maggots
Kind of a fun D-grade zero-budget picture about a bunch of punk rockers camping in the woods when they get attacked by giant rubber maggots. Actually was kind of amusing for what it was, has bits of low-key almost Repo-Man-esque cynical dark humor, although the whole schtick wears thin by about halfway through. Still, one of those rare intentionally bad films that I nonetheless enjoyed a little. The characters are kind of funny. A little.
Bonehill Road
This is one of those movies that seems like someone who had never made a movie, or even ever known anything about making a movie, had a camera and just asked a bunch of their friends, "Want to be in a movie?"
And, happens to be friends with Linnea Quigley, who it's at least funny to see again like 35 years after what I hesitate to call her "heyday".
But: here's the thing. I really don't get into the "so bad it's good" thing, most of the time it's just an excuse to not really try. This is a rare case where, for me, it actually is so bad it's good, because, it seems like they *really did try*. They just didn't know how to write anything but one horror movie cliché after another, and didn't know how to act, and didn't know how to make a movie. But…
13th Child: Legend Of The Jersey Devil
What a weird movie. This movie has the fashions—and solid-state screaming guitar soundtrack—of a more recent picture but looks and feels totally like a 1976 made-for-TV monster movie. Some horseshit about the Jersey Devil, the story didn't make much sense. Bizarrely, stars an aging Robert Gillaume as a convict. It totally deserves the about 2.5 stars average it has on IMDB. It's definitely one of the worst movies out there. But... I liked the 1976ness of it? Kind of? Sort of?
Project MKHEXE
This slightly-better-than-it-should-be Lovecraftian horror mockumentary is about a filmmaker investigating his brother's suicide after months of raving about a secret government mind control project, "MKHEXE". The runtime is almost two hours and somehow it manages to hold up, and the ordinarily annoying first-person-shooter horror trope is dialed down far enough that I didn't even really notice it until about 2/3 of the way through. That, the long run time, and an egregious number of video effects (why do so many supernatural phenomena resemble VHS glitching?) are all the hallmarks of movies I dislike, and yet, it kind of held my interest all the way through.
Interesting, it's one of those movies that goes on longer than it should, blowing past several points where most movies would have, maybe unfulfillingly, ended. In this case it's a good choice. It sees the story through.
Not that I'd recommend it. I wouldn't…
Banshee!!!
This was really bad, but I liked it. It's a low-budget monster movie that appears to have spent its entire budget on the monster... and it's a good one.
The plot, if it matters, is that a shapeshifting monster prowls the woods, kills people, and makes people's heads explode with its banshee wail. Local cops and loadies get together to try to kill it and mostly get picked off.
But, I don't know. Something about this one is fun. The acting is corny but maybe a touch better than it usually is in movies this cheap, and everyone seems really committed, and the action kind of doesn't let up and isn't all bad, despite the incredibly silly scenes of people's heads exploding or being ripped off like a piece of paper being torn.
The monster, not the cheesy video clichéd video distortion effects that indicate when someone…
Bitch Ass
A goofy slasher film in the tradition of (and even name-checks) "Hood of Horror". A gang initiation goes wrong when they break into a serial killer's house, and he's got all sorts of deadly games set up, because, movie. Expect lots of sass. I enjoyed it for what it was.
The Dead Bodies In Room 223
A man calls a prostitute to a hotel, who overdoses while he's in the shower. Her madam shows up, gets to arguing with him, pulls a knife, and in a minute he's got two bodies in the hotel room. That's the setup.
The rest of the movie? Well, he's got a pimp looking for either the prostitutes or to be paid for them, and two bodies to somehow dispose of.
It's a totally amateurish movie with almost no production values, no cinematography at all, and seemingly no budget, but... no hugely obvious flaws, either. It's a little differenty than most neo-noir pics, as it doesn't really try to have any Hollywood sheen or be "cool", it's just nuts and bolts telling of the story. I liked it for that. It's paced pretty well, too, it never really sags. Probably one of the best c-grade amateur pictures I've ever seen. Not…
Beyond The Dunwich Horror
What is it about H.P. Lovecraft that inspires so many zero-budget absolutely terrible but obviously spirited 100% amateurish efforts, often starring what appear to be the director's friends or whoever happened to be standing around to ask if they wanted to be in a movie? Somehow I often have affection for these, just because the people so often seem to be having such a good time doing absolute crap emoting and woodenly reciting the script in whatever clothes they happened to be wearing that day, except for the occasional cliché "occultist robe".
A labyrinthine, rococo tale of ghosts and cult activity in the small New England town, with pretty much no acting to speak of, so much as occasional emoting and fake-sounding, put-on voices and accents.
I enjoyed it, for crap. And it is crap, as crap as crap gets. It was kind fun to watch, as a spectacle.
Shifted
Another fatally-flawed horror gem in the finest Canadian tradition, this odd horror/thriller features an ensemble cast trying to survive trapped in a house with dwindling supplies as zombie-like former humans roam the streets, when one of them begins killing off the others.
The odd attempt to merge a zombie movie and a whodunit doesn't quite pan out, as the whodunit side isn't very engaging.
However, the zombie side, such as it is—the zombies are mostly set dressing, the story is about the people inside the house—has some originality to it, which is nice to see in this overdone subgenre.
The writing and acting are not terribly impressive... in fact, it opens with a cartoonish "kill" scene, probably the very worst, USA-Up-All-Nite-iest scene of the entire movie.
But most especially, what really gets me, it has some moments of gorgeous cinematography, always the path to my heart, and…
GoodBi (2022)
A germophobe nursing student begins to be inexplicably attacked by people around her wherever she goes.
Don't watch this movie. I mean it. And especially, don't eat while watching this movie.
I have watched thousands, maybe tens of thousands, of horror movies over the years, some pretty intense.
This movie goes places most horror movies never do, and certainly no mainstream horror movie, or movie of any genre that I've seen.
This one is different, that much can be said confidently. It's memorable. For whatever "different" and "memorable" are worth.
I've seen horror movies with tons of blood. Tons of viscera. "The Exorcist" made vomit a cliche in certain subgenres. The overdone zombie genre has certainly showed people being disemboweled in virtually every graphic, disgusting way possible.
Cards on the table: someone involved with making this movie had to be a coprophile. Full stop.
This…
Devil’s Diary
Canadian-produced TV movie about a pair of outcast girls who find a diary where you can write any wish and it will come true. Being Canadian, it couldn't be as completely bad as it should have been. The cast is mostly TV movie terrible, but the lead actress is oddly really good. It's slightly above average for a TV horror movie. The whole exercise doesn't rise quite to the level of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" but if you're in the mood for that sort of thing it's not too, too, toooooo far off the mark.
The Door (2014)
What a disappointment. This starts off with an interesting enough idea and fairly creepy execution. A kid saves a wealthy businessman from a mugging, and is rewarded with a job: watch a door in a remote abandoned building from 8pm to 8am to make sure it never opens, for $100k/year. Just watch the door. "What happens if it opens?" "It won't open, because you're going to watch it."
Needless to see, things aren't quite as uneventful as that... put almost. After a decent enough setup to make me want to see what was going to happen, the kid's friends, out partying, show up to bother him, and of course one drunkenly opens the door when the others aren't looking, so they go in to find her... and then, 2/3 of the movie is just "scared teens wandering around darkened corridors". There's lots of people saying, "Did you hear that? I…
Implented
Middling-to-ok near-future sci-fi flick about an experiment to implant people with AI chips, which take over their lives and force them to kill and sit up straight, you're slouching.
I thought it was kind of ok. Unfortunately the plot doesn't explain much, and it's kind of predictable and takes a while to get to where you know it's going. But it was ok, I thought.
Postscript
Kind of a disappointment here. This anthology film showing stories of people wandering across a postapocalyptic wasteland, really just some hilly rural area, starts with a couple of incredibly cheap-looking shorts that are so artificial it's almost more like watching animation than live action: very high contrast, saturated colors, and animated beasts, mutants, and robots that literally look like they were rendered on a '90s desktop computer, or were clipped out of an old video game.
But, it's so cheap-looking, and so stylized, it almost works. It reminded me in a strange way of watching som strange French animated feature (it's foreign-language, but with so little dialogue I couldn't place the language) or even a low-rent "Yellow Submarine".
The only problem is, after the weirdly charmingly bad first couple of shorts, it goes on for way too long, and gets less interesting. Some of the shorts aren't as…
Apocalyptic 2077
As amateurish as it gets, seems like a couple of friends probably got together and made this jokey English tale about a guy who gets stuck in an underground bunker for 8 years before emerging to an outside world that has become a "Mad Max"-type savage wasteland. Obvious dime-store costumes, terrible miscasting, a complete dearth of acting ability, and a horrible Euro-disco soundtrack make this the kind of movie that couldn't even aspire to "USA Up All Nite" quality.
However, this film is somehow charming despite being absolutely terrible. It's like they know they're making a terrible and 100% derivative movie, and don't care, so they just have fun with it. I'm not saying I'd ever watch it again, but, weirdly, I enjoyed it despite it being one of the worst movies I've ever seen.
The best thing about this movie—literally—is the poster. Look at this! It looks like a…
Evil At The Door
Ok. Hmmmmmm.
The setup for this movie is dissuasive: Once a year, an ancient secret society "The Locusts" stages "Night Of The Locusts", where innocent people are set up for home invasions and bloody violence which must be finished within three hours, because, movie. Basically, sounds like a ripoff of "The Purge" crossed with the ubiquitously shitty home invasion horror exploitation subgenre, a subgenre I've hated since "Last House On The Left".
However, having watched it... you know, if only one of these movies was ever to have been made—and only one should have been, that sounds about right to me—this one would be it.
Instead of focusing on the violence, the movie spends a lot of time on tensions between the home invaders. There are long, slow sequences where nothing happens: an intended victim hides below the bed while one of the killers is in the room, and... everybody…