Ok, this is probably not fair because I only put this on two minutes ago. But this is the most visceral reaction I’ve ever had to an opening. I can feel this cologne corroding the back of my throat.

This smells like a tire fire at a carnival… overwhelmingly cloying cotton candy, caramel apples, marshmallows, and burning rubber. I’m afraid a clown is going to attack me. I honestly do not believe a human person could smell like this and their visage remain unaffected. I never imagined a cologne could make me feel afraid to look in the mirror, but, surely I have been transformed into a monster. Or… a clown…

If this turns into anything remotely not revulsive in the drydown I will be very impressed, because I feel like I just bathed in a chemical stew. I would say, if you wanted to capture the experience I am feeling right now, push your nose into a cotton candy machine and put a match out on your tongue.

I cannot imagine for the life of me what kind of masochist would want to walk around smelling like this. I would give this to someone I didn’t like as a mean joke.

–UPDATE: After writing the above I decided in the interests to fairness to wait before posting. I am now about 4 hours into this cavity-inducing blast of miasmatic, candy-striped toxicity. Any hoped-for rescue from drydown has not started yet and I’m beginning to doubt it ever will. I still have an acrid taste on my tongue and a sugary cloud tickling my throat, and any change so far to the opening assault of the olfactory equivalent of a tire screech is only one of volume, not character.

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UPDATE 2: Another hour later. The catastrophe has perhaps simmered down from a firestorm to a minor inferno, and, ok, perhaps a trace of a floral or fruity note has emerged, noticeable now that it’s not being completely blared out by an acrid conflagration suggestive of a sugar plantation being buried by volcanic lava, and evoking something more demure, something perhaps along the lines of an industrial accident at the Pez factory.

I’m still afraid there may be a clown lurking behind me… or WITHIN ME……

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UPDATE 3: Approaching 6 hours and this stuff has finally mellowed. The strange sweet, chemical causticity has mellowed to a skin scent that could best be described as “I just pulled off a bandaid.”

The whole thing just seems to me really artless. I tried this because I love the Thierry Mugler Cologne/Come Together, so I thought I’d see what else Mugler had to offer. But this isn’t even… I wouldn’t even call this the same type of thing as that. It’s not apples and oranges, it’s, like, apples and tapdancing. Apples and maritime legal code. Just totally unrelated.

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UPDATE 4: 8 hours and it’s gone. Maybe there’s a trace of fruity, marshmallowy skin scent left. Maybe I’m just naturally fruity & sweet. I dunno. That could be, actually. Or maybe I really have become the scary clown, doomed now to live out the rest of my life a slightly fruity, sweet-smelling, brightly-colored monster. I guess it’s time to screw up my nerve and go look in the mirror.

If you don’t see any more reviews from me, you’ll know what happened.

I still don’t know who would want to smell like this. Not me.

NEW UPDATE, 9/25! Several days later, I gave this a second try. I can’t pan a frag this hard and not at least give it as second chance.

BTW, thanks @paulmac1966, often I’m just trying to keep my self amused (along with hopefully contributing something) but I’m glad you enjoyed.

Anyway: same reaction. Considering that I didn’t like several of the recent samples I’ve received, for a few days I went back to some of my favorite standbys to “recalibrate” and check I wasn’t anosmic or just being misled by environmental background scents. Nope, everything was as I expected, from the Paco Rabanne up through the Green Irish Tweed, all was in good olfactory order.

Not much to say about this one on the second go round, as I blew all my good jokes about it above. Very much the same impression, it’s not something I can even imagine someone wanting to wear.

A couple of reviews here seem to have close enough impressions to mine that I don’t think I got the wrong decant, so I’ll go with my first thought: maybe there’s just something in this particular juice that reacts especially strongly to individual body chemistry. I can definitely smell that there may be something nice under there, but I can’t get a solid grip on anything past the immediate and long-lasting burnt sugar cloud.

Ah, well, gave it a shot. Your mileage may vary.