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I wonder if those little girls who played the creepy twins in "The Shining" ever dressed up for Halloween as the creepy twins from "The Shining". Because, kind of a perfect costume for them.

7:41 PM · Oct 7, 2025

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I want to form a band called "Black Shabbos" and do heavy metal covers of Jewish liturgy.

4:35 PM · Sep 10, 2025

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Sometimes I think I'm like a poet, except my poetic talent lies in perception, not expression.

I think I got the good end of the deal. I see all the beauty and have none of the work.

4:13 AM · Sep 9, 2025

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I've known a few mathematicians, and one thing I notice is, they all seem to be this idealist sort. Are there any hard-bitten mathematicians? Does the discipline of mathematics have its Hemingway, its Bukowski?

7:13 PM · Aug 25, 2025

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I think we should start calling memes 'popular images'. Why have a whole word just for them?

2:19 PM · Aug 8, 2025

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Any sufficiently advanced humor is indistinguishable from seriousness.

12:10 AM · Jul 26, 2025

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Why are rabbits sometimes called "bunny rabbits"? Is there a "bunny" anything else?

I don't know if that's a figment of reality.

2:52 PM · Jun 9, 2025

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The fucked up thing is that a codependent relationship is, in some ways, so much more wonderful than no relationship. I imagine a junkie feels the same way about every heroin shot on the way down to the gutter.

2:31 AM · Apr 7, 2025

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They should invent a food hydrator. Like, a kitchen applience where you could put in potato chips and it would give you home fries.

2:08 AM · Mar 26, 2025

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I was thinking about those bygone CRT televisions last night.

It's sad to think no child will ever again know the joy of sitting on the television and yelling, "look, Ma, I'm on TV!"

5:00 PM · Mar 16, 2025

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My next band is going to be just myself and a pair of female backup singers, so I can call it "Two Girls, One Kup".

5:22 PM · Mar 11, 2025

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Since I've been using AI to clean up the tone of my emails, I've sort of gotten into the mental habit of trying to sanitize everything into something you could put in a business email. Kind of like how in the South they say "Bless your heart" when they mean "F.U."

I think my big insult for people from now on will be to call them a "very poor communicator".

"Can you believe that a-hole?" "Yeah, that guy is a very poor communicator."

3:57 PM · Feb 19, 2025

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Last night, a riddle came to me in a dream.

Q: What did the fork say to the spoon?

A: "Utensils."

I know it doesn't make sense. It was a dream. What do you want?

10:16 AM · Dec 24, 2024

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Don't attack the monitor for the crimes of the CPU.

5:25 PM · Aug 30, 2024

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Modern remotes should have a 'what's happening' button, along with the subtitles and visual settings and stuff. Like, you're multitasking with a movie on in the background, and after zoning for a little while on your laptop, suddenly the movie turns interesting and catches your attention… you should be able to hit a 'what's happening' button, and a little paragraph will pop up to catch you up with what's happening.

1:11 AM · Aug 4, 2024

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I swear, Xeno must be the one leaving his dirty dishes piled up in my kitchen sink. No matter how long it takes me to clean half the dishes, it then takes that long again to clean just half of whatever's left.

6:35 PM · Mar 3, 2024

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Next time I form a band I want to call it "Little Stephen and The Disciples of Dormammu".

9:18 PM · Jan 27, 2024

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GOOD COMMUNICATION, LIGHTNING FAST DELIVERY. A++++++++++++++ SELLER. PERFECT TRANSACTION. WOULD DO BUSINESS AGAIN.

Good to hear on eBay. Not so good to hear in bed.

9:44 PM · Jan 6, 2024

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You know what I hate? Traffic lights. What gives the GOVERNMENT the RIGHT to tell ME when I can stop or go?!? Government shouldn't be standing in the way of American mobility, that just hurts everybody. The only way to increase American mobility is free traffic. Get government out of it, and let the traffic participants just sort it out naturally. Let free competition between drivers determine traffic, so nothing stands in the way of drivers getting where they need to go. And besides. If the best drivers can get where they're going quicker, they'll spend the time they save giving slower drivers a ride. A faster tide speeds up all boats.

11:15 PM · Sep 6, 2023

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I've got to stop working so hard on this website.

Last night I dreamed God was a programmer and the entire universe was written in PHP.

3:34 PM · Sep 17, 2023

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It is my hope that if I live a good and virtuous life, then, upon my death, I will be admitted into a place where it will finally be explained to me how it happens that I wake up to find: my air fryer, two different laptops, an external hard drive, an Apple phone, an Apple tablet, and an Amazon tablet, which are mostly not connected to each other and are spread among several building electrical circuits, and all of which were fine last night, all either now turning on and off by themselves or suddenly had all their settings erased, at the same time.

Did my apartment get hit with a tiny EMP? Did someone break in overnight and run through messing with my stuff? I'm in no particular rush to depart this plane, but I have to admit: I'm looking forward to hearing the explanation for this one.

EDIT: Wait. Literally right after I hit 'Publish' on this, my father sent me a text message... with an animated GIF in it. Perhaps it's all a case of Conservation Of ... I dunno... something.

2:11 PM · Sep 5, 2023

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All I really just want to do is play my saxophone.

3:15 PM · Sep 25, 2023

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I'm pulling a reverse Dorian Gray. Hidden away in a closet of my house is a portrait of me which sits there and never gets any older.

3:25 PM · Sep 2, 2023

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I had an idea, I want to record an album of road shanties.

2:11 PM · Aug 30, 2023

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Heard a good one. Two economists were walking down the street and one saw a $20 bill on the sidewalk and pointed it out to the second economist... the second economist says "No, there can't be a $20 bill on the sidewalk, for if it was there, it would have already been picked up by somebody."

1:18 PM · Aug 18, 2023

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Dammit! I have got to stop messing up 'psychotropic' with 'snickerdoodle'.

Well, I'd better go apologize to my guests.

9:47 PM · Aug 13, 2023

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One of the biggest challenges in keeping up with the current national coverage is having to constantly read the name 'Chesebro' without cracking up.

5:15 PM · Aug 10, 2023

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